Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
Summary: Parody. Madara made a fatal mistake and unleashed an ancient evil. Or something like that. Will the shinobi survive?
Uchiha Madara was back, alive and even more powerful than ever. The legendary warrior was standing above the wrecked battlefield, surveying imperiously the forces of once proud army, now brought to its knees by his might. Although he lost his sight, he wasn't impeded by such a handicap in the slightest, his attacks just as devastating and accurate as before, if not more. Visible to all from the vantage point, Madara cut a majestic figure, the luxuriously long mane of fine black hair waving behind him like a banner of victory, one of his feet nonchalantly propped on some hapless shinobi like an omen of the Alliance's swift demise.
But the most foreboding, though no one at that moment could put their finger on the exact reason why, was the jaw-dropping sight of Madara's naked upper body. Muscular, yet not bulky, his chest was adorned with the face of his greatest enemy, Hashirama, like a grotesque trophy which melded perfectly with the rest of the harmonic visage of manliness the Uchiha unashamedly presented for the world to see.
It was well-known fact for all the shinobi that when a fighter loses a shirt and shows his nipples, he's about to be at least five times more stronger than his default mode. And Madara had already soundly defeated the Five Kages without such a power-up. The Alliance collectively shuddered in horror, as this time their doom was looming above them, imminent and certain.
The echo of a distant rumble woke the ninjas from the pit of despair, everyone looking around in puzzlement. Madara also craned his head to the side, listening as the noise got louder and louder, the thumping sound making the ground tremble as something akin to roaring could be heard more clearly.
"Hashirama, have you done something?" the Uchiha asked the impaled Hokage.
"No, but this sounds familiar," he replied, frowning in thought as the roaring got even louder. His eyes widened in realization. "Oh, no! Madara, this is all your fault! Everyone, run! Run for your lives!" he shouted in panic.
But the warning cry remained unheard as it was drowned by the now earth-shaking noise. And then, it was already too late.
The cause of the commotion was revealed – a stampede of a seemingly never ending army of vaguely human beings, emitting howls, shrieks and screams from their wide open mouths, the tongues lolling out crazedly and drooling long strings of thick saliva to the ground.
They weren't zombies – in fact, they were even worse. They were Deranged Fangirls.
"KYAA! MAADAARAA-SAAMAA!" came a shriek of a thousand banshees.
Madara, for the first time in his egotistical memory, stood speechless as the creatures homed in on his position and hurtled straight for his shirtless, vulnerable form, his own sexiness working against him as it shone brighter than a beacon on the built-in sexy man radar every fangirl possessed. A moment before the wave reached him, it dawned on Madara that for all his genius, he forgot to include this second Uchiha curse in any of his contingency plans.
"Curse you, Hashiramaaa!" he yelled, defiant to the last second.
Then the swarm crashed into him and he disappeared beneath its living surface. The screeching rose and fell in a terrifying crescendo as clawed hands grabbed and pulled, scratched and ripped until nothing recognizable was left behind besides the bloody, minuscule shreds of once the most powerful man in the world.
But Madara's second death was just the beginning of the real chaos. All hell broke lose as the hordes of unappeased fangirls took on new targets to satisfy their perverse cravings. Their first boytoy was ruined in their haste but now they were planning to be more careful with their prey.
"Oh, hell, no," the incapacitated First Hokage's eyes bulged out in fear before he was also swamped by the bloodsucking leeches. Sadly, there was no rescue for him...
Now it was every man for himself, fighting for survival. Many climbed the steep rocks, where the fangirls couldn't reach without chakra, and mercilessly booted out the fellow ninjas seeking shelter in the same places, leaving them to the unsavory fate at the hands of the crazed captors.
There were a few small islands of resistance on the stormy sea of fangirlism. Some ninjas still fought a desperate battle against the tide of invading species. Sakura and Hinata decimated hundreds to protect their precious, still vestal men from violation by the tainted touch of a fangirl. Tenten skewered and razed through battalions who tried to reach and defile Neji's dead body, while Ino and Temari guarded weakened Shikamaru.
Kakashi and Fourth Hokage were back to back, shielding also Obito's prone body. Even though there were hills of enemy carcasses strewn around them, the new attackers came undeterred. Team Minato was on their last leg much sooner than they would have liked..
"Sensei, Obito," Kakashi rasped. "It was good to see you both again."
"Likewise," Minato smiled warmly at his students. It was a goodbye.
"Rin..." Obito mumbled weakly as they were all taken down by the next wave of attackers.
The pockets of resistance were falling under the constant onslaught, while the shinobi hiding in high places were dragged down by fangirls who had climbed one on another like acrobats to reach them.
There was only one group that still fought on.
"Sasuke-kuuun! You will be miiine!" shouted Karin, who had unexpectedly (or not) joined the fangirl ranks, and leaped at the Uchiha, however instead of tackling him, she landed her face into Sakura's heavy punch, which thankfully knocked the redhead out.
"Leave Sasuke-kun alone!" the medic yelled, standing protectively in front of her old teammate, fists at the ready. She was panting hard, exhausted by the prolonging battle with no end in sight, but willing to fight for her love to the bitter end. The same could be said about Hinata, who had never looked as fierce and aggressive as now, when she was facing the crazies trying to hurt her man.
"You two bitches should die and burn in HELL! Give us our Naru-poo and Sasu-cakes!" the demented fangirls demanded, not stopping their assault even for a second.
"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Sakura thundered, throwing hooks and jabs and occasional kicks right and left. However, the tiredness finally got to her too and she slipped up, not fast enough to raise a guard against a powerful gut punch that smashed at her insides. Gasping for breath, she fell to her knees.
"Sasuke-kun! No!" she cried out as the fangirls got through her line of defense.
"Sakura!" Sasuke called her name. The creatures were carrying him away, but his eyes remained locked with hers, expressing his regret and barely realized love as he extended his hand to her in a futile gesture that she couldn't help but reciprocate.
Tears blurring her vision, Sakura's body thumped to the ground lifelessly.
With her downfall, it was just a matter of time before the same fate came upon Hinata and Naruto, who was dragged away kicking and screaming as the downed Hyuuga watched his capture helplessly, her mind surrendering to despair and self-recrimination. She blamed herself for not being stronger, the blood loss soon making her slight frame pitch forward in a dead faint.
What happened throughout the rest of this cursed night, under the red light of the full moon, is best to be forgotten and never mentioned again.
When the sun rose again, it witnessed the devastation wrought by the shinobi war and the subsequent invasion. Survivors wandered around numbly, dazed and confused due to the trauma they had undergone. The post-apocalyptic scenery of upturned, cheese-like ground and troughs of decaying cadavers was however free of the fangirl plague, which vanished in fear of the sunlight, retreating to the safety of its lair to lay in wait until it would be summoned by a shirtless sex god once again.
And from there on, there was peace in the shinobi world.
AN: I wrote it in the middle of a night. Pardon my insanity and the fangirl cliché taken to the extreme. Lol.