A.N. So despite not being a Christmas-loving, caroling, candy-cane licking person, I thought I'd be nice to those who actually are that. So here's my Broadchurch Christmas story. No I'm not allowing it to be angsty, it shall be a parody and under the assumption that Hardy got a pacemaker installed, and is now a DI once again, though in a larger city… like Cardiff (but not Cardiff) or something, as the last one was scary incompetent (see chapters for hilarious stories as the re-hiring is recent).
On that note, there will be ATTEMPTS at sex, but they'll all fail for some reason, so even still I'll make this Rated M for swearing, softcore violence, and suggestive themes including naughty Santa/Elf play… yeah… you'll see.
Disclaimer: I'm only saying this once you blood-sucking lawyers. I don't own nor claim to own Broadchurch or any of the characters therein. I am not making any money while borrowing these lovely characters, nor am I suggesting anyone should do anything mentioned in this story. So kiddies, don't try this at home as this is all happening in a semi-sanctioned environment… my head!
With Broadchurch behind them, and a new life together ahead of them, Faye and Alec had been hoping they could settle down and take more time for the each other. This had worked for a couple months, and they'd christened every room in the house, and every piece of furniture in it in the process. Then the call came in, it was the local police department begging Hardy to become the DI.
With a pacemaker installed, and thus making him a cyborg, Alec Hardy felt that he was invincible and agreed. While Faye was not overly impressed with the decision, she did have to admit that it was nice having the house to herself for a wee bit… and being able to walk properly for a period of time longer than a day.
And so Alec's new career began – though it didn't start as planned.
"Oh sweet merciful Christmas! Thank the sugar plum fairy you're here!" Hardy blinked and stared at his new Chief Super – a Santa Claus – as he entered, sullen and grumpy as ever.
"What in the name of- Chief Super Smith, it's December the 1st, may I ask why you're wearing a Santa Suit so soon?" Hardy did his best not to gawk, and to be respectful, but given the circumstances, it was increasingly difficult.
"Ho ho ho! Because it's the month of Christmas my dear boy! Ho ho ho! I'm Chief Super Claus, and you are all my elves! Don't worry Alec! We've even got you the ears! Ho ho ho!" Alec stared at the elf-ear head band in the Chief Super's hands, his face dark.
"With all due respect sir… no." Everyone in the room stopped typing, talking, and drinking coffee to stare at this strange new comer, watching every move.
"I'm sorry, Alec?"
"Please call me Hardy, and with all due respect, no. Sir I'd rather not wear those ridiculous ears."
"DI Hardy… you want to work here, yes?"
"Err… yes Chief Super."
"You want to keep me happy, yes?"
"Err… Yes? But Chief Super-."
` "Then you'll wear the peppermint damned ears and spread the Christmas spirit while bringing justice down on the criminal's heads! HO HO HO!" And on went the ears, almost rather forcibly. Glum and more than a tad embarrassed, Hardy slunk into his office, only to stare at it, horrified. Candy canes and glitter were scattered across his desk, floor and walls. A tree – at least he assumed it was a tree – stood in the corner, looking as though a tinsel monster had vomited on it and a elf had run around it, stringing it with lights while high one something Alec didn't want to know the name of.
"Sweet Mother of God…"
Meanwhile Faye was back at Broadchurch, examining one of her patients. The city Alec worked in wasn't too far from home, and they'd bought a house in between the two places, so everything had worked out grandly. Not that that really mattered, not when this screaming toddler had a toy soldier crammed up his nose while his teenage babysitter attempted to hold the squalling child in her lap.
"I just looked away for a second – not even, I swear to God – and 'e just started screamin' and wailin' so I thought I'd bring 'im to you, Doctor Marcy." Their accents got thicker when they were upset, Faye noted as she peered up the wailing child's nose, flashlight in hand.
"It just looks like he was just trying to send some troops to clear out his nostrils. Mind holding his head still?" Faye asked before reaching up with her tweezers and pulling out the small plastic toy. The nose cleared of the blockage, the toddler sneezed right in Faye's face, snot covering her.
"Oh my God… Doctor Marcy, I-!" The babysitter scrambled for an answer before falling into helpless giggles from Faye's shocked face. Giggling weakly in response, Faye moved to clean herself up and got the kid a sucker for his troubles. Babysitter warned against taking her eyes off the toddler again, and toddler pacified by a cherry sucker, Faye sent them out the door, just in time for another wailing child to enter her doors, this time carried by a pale father.
"My wife's gonna kill me." He whimpered as Faye ushered him into her examination room. "I just looked away for a second, I swear, then the next thing I know, he's screaming and clutching his nose." Faye stared at him a moment before peering up the second child's nose and fought back a laugh when she saw yet another toy shoved up the kids nose.
"It's all good, Mr. Taylor. This seems to be going around…" Mr. Taylor's confused face was priceless.
Faye ended up getting home after Hardy, something she wasn't used to, and so was startled when she saw his car in the lane way. Climbing out of the vehicle and peering down at her keys, she didn't notice her boyfriend struggling by their bedroom window. She slid inside and locked the door behind her, kicking off her shoes as she called for him. Receiving no response she figured he'd taken a nap – something he was prone to doing lately, and something she always encouraged. It wasn't until something crashed upstairs that she became worried.
Dashing up the stairs, taking two at a time and calling for him, she ran to the bathroom door and opened it to see Hardy on the floor, groaning, with rubbing alcohol spilling onto the ground from the counter.
"What the- Alec Hardy, what the hell are you doing!?" Faye yelped before helping him up and checking him over for any signs of injury. It was then that she noticed the ears. She blinked and tugged them, causing Hardy to yelp.
"Stop pulling! They're bloody super glued on!" Faye's eyes widened considerably as she stared at them, a bubble of laughter threatening to overwhelm her.
"Alec, honey, I love you… but why did you super glue elf ears to your head?"
"I didn't do it!" He yelped, frustrated, before sighing and leaning against her.
"Can you get them off?" He asked, his voice small. Faye gently examined them and clicked her tongue.
"Probably, but it'd take me a couple days." He sputtered.
"A couple- a couple days!?" She smiled wryly before kissing him.
"They're well sealed and tight against your ears love, it's that or I remove them surgically and I'm not that good with a knife." She bit back a smile as he cursed blackly, and moved to grab a towel to clean the mess up. He quickly stooped to help and soon they were headed to bed, though Faye was burning with curiosity.
"So… if you didn't super glue elf ears onto your head… how did this whole thing happen?" She asked him gently as he slid into bed behind her. He sighed into her shoulder, his legs entwining with hers.
A.N. Short chapter, I know, but I'm getting started on the second chapter as you're reading this. Anyways, it won't be nearly as long as my last Broadchurch fic.
**Note** I'm sure there ARE ways to remove super-glued ears off of fleshy ears, but for the purpose of the oncoming hilarity, there isn't, kay?