I decided to go to Hogwarts on my twelfth birthday!

I wrote to the Headmaster of my current school, but a letter came for me from another headmaster. He was called Dumbledore.

Prince William is the name of my owl. He flew all the way in one night!

When he returned, he held a bundle of notes gripped in his tiny claws, and he had a dead mouse dangling from its beak. When he ate his mouse, he slurped the tail down like it was spaghetti.

The pages were written by Professor McGonagall. They read as followed:

Dear Harry Potter,

Welcome to Hogwarts. Because your birthday is in September, you are twelve years old, but not a year older than who we require to help fight the Dark Lord Voldemort.

Please leave via Platform Three and Three-Quarters immediately to come to Hogwarts and be sorted with your friends.

Enclosed is a list of supplies you need to buy near the Gringotts bank, which is on the map. It's in the City of London.

Signed by

Professor McGonagall.

I was thrilled and delighted! They hadn't even checked to see if I was a girl or a boy. I am a girl, but I was born into a boy's body that Aunt and Uncle named Harry Potter when they adopted me.

My secret name is "Harry" not Harriet, as that sounds too old. My best friend is a snake that lives under the stairs with me. She is made from a red feather duster.

My Aunt and Uncle are paranoid about witches and demons. They are devout Satanists and help poor people into Hell and want rich people to populate Earth all over. I was brought up as a true Satanist.

I told my Aunt and Uncle that I would rid Hogwarts of all its demons and former angels. They patted me on the head.

"Well done, Harry," they said. "Satan will love you when you die and go to Hell forever."

I'm so pleased. It's also my twelfth birthday. Aunt and Uncle got me many presents, like a wooden stake called Mrs Pointy, and garlic bulbs and a large Satanic cross that I can hang above my bed, and a silver sacrificial knife with an oak handle.

When I go to Hogwarts, I can take everything with me in an IKEA wardrobe made of white satin and aluminium poles, and I can push it around on its little white wheels. It contains my whole wardrobe, like my black pointy hooded robe and my white pointy hooded robe and my red hooded robe. I like the colour red best.

I do hope I get into Gryffindor!

*/*/*

It was my turn to drive. Uncle Vernon taught me at the age of seven in case we had to escape our neighbourhood due to the Gates of Hell opening early.

All our rituals are completed in private in case they go wrong.

We had to go to Gringotts which is behind a pub on an expensive London High Street. Uncle Vernon swore when we had to fill in my Gringotts Cash Card.

We all arrived at the pub. Aunt and Uncle got out and had a Ploughman's for lunch. My special needs cousin Dudley had crisps. He cries all the time. He's special needs as my mother Lily once set fire to his hair and face. She also went to a special needs school as she was a pyromaniac. She married my father, a pilot. She was working on his helicopter as an air hostess when they crashed due to lots of fog in Scotland. They both died, but I was in her tummy so I survived the crash when hospital workers cut me out in a caesarean.

I have to live with the fact that I survived, but my parents didn't. My Aunt and Uncle devoted themselves to Satan after I had to come and stay with them. I am thankful to them as they told me the truth, rather than claim I'm adopted from an orphanage.

I was very excited about Gringotts, but I asked the barmaid too soon. My Aunt and Uncle weren't through with their Ploughman's yet, and were a bit annoyed when we all had to head towards the back immediately. My cousin Dudley stole many bags of crisps and gave them to Aunt Petunia so she could keep them in her handbag.

We walked through a strange hole in a brick wall.

I'm not sure, but I think I hallucinated the rest.

Gringotts bank was full of strange green men, all very short. We went on a roller-coaster ride to a large room filled with gold coins and posh treasures. Dudley stuffed lots of it into a goblin's open sack.

Next Aunt and Uncle complained about the smell. We had to buy many strange herbs and spices and plant roots for my potion course. I'm not sure I want to go now. I hate cooking.

By the way, I do all the housework at home because I'm really a girl. Dudley and Uncle don't do anything because only I deserve Aunt's attention. She's taught me lots about cleaning and scrubbing and mending clothes. I can now do DIY and gardening, but I burn things in pans. Aunt orders lots of takeaways, because it was my Mum Lily that was taught to cook by Gran. Aunt Petunia preferred making lots of vegetables in the garden. She loves flower arranging, and knitting.

The goblins took my cash card and didn't scan it. They waved twigs around, lights shot out of the ends, and my cash card spun in mid-air. They gave it back to Uncle, who pocketed it.

Next we went so that I could get a twig. Mr Ollivander had loads and loads stacked upon all his shelves. He called me The Boy Who Had Lived. I corrected him and told him:

"I'm the Girl, Mr Ollivander. My name is Harry, which is a shortened form of Harriet."

Uncle said, "She always says that. We had to adopt her as a boy due to her strange deformed sex organs."

Ollivander said, "Harry is supposed to be a boy!"

Uncle said, "No. All her sex organs were mangled when she was given to us. The local hospital crowned her a girl. We were relieved. We already had a boy."

"Yes," said Aunt. "My sister and my brother-in-law had to disguise her as a boy to protect her from a magic spell."

I gasped. We weren't supposed to mention me nor magic, and to keep its wicked existence secret and to keep the public safe from harm.

Ollivander gave me a wand. It is twelve inches by quarter-of-an-inch, rose-coloured and swishy. It's suitably girly enough for me. We went through loads before I could have a girly one. It's a cylinder that tapers to a point.

I swished my wand and sparks shot out of the end.

Dudley waved. He was still here. So was Aunt and Uncle and Ollivander.

Dudley ate some crisps. That was the last thing he did as he disappeared after I swished my wand. Aunt screamed and Uncle shouted.

Ollivander swung his wand. Dudley came back wearing a jacket that was too small for him, and too girly. As he took it off, Ollivander explained it was made from magic.

It was perfect! It was made of leather and rose-coloured. I wore it immediately. It smelled like nice sweat, and had a silver zip, and an inside pocket. I put my wand in the inside pocket which was inside the left sleeve.

"Thank you, Mr Ollivander!" I cried and rushed to hug him.

We paid for my wand with my cash card and we left for a book store.

We paid for all my books and other things like robes.

I have five new robes to last me each week.

Because Aunt and Uncle are tight with money, each robe is slightly bigger than the last, so at least one could all fit me all year round in case I grew.

I have new magical boxer shorts! I have eight pairs, seven are black and the eighth is pink and lacy. I've got new socks and shoes and fluffy slippers.

I've got a new coat. It looks like a robe, but I prefer my new rose-coloured leather jacket with the silver zip. I desperately wanted to get into Gryffindor, so I bought some gold nail polish and painted over the zip. Now I can't get my jacket off as the nail polish stuck stiff.

I released my wand from its secret pocket. People laughed at me as I don't know a single spell to unstick my zip. I can't get it off and I'll have to smell instead of having a shower every day for a year. It'll be too small and I'll have to ask Ollivander to make me a new one next time.

We were in Knockturn Alley as Uncle needed a pee against a wall and we couldn't find a toilet in time.

I met a silver-haired teenager called Draco Malfoy. He was pretty.

"Hello, Mr Draco's dad," I said. "My name is Harry. It's short for Harriet."

"She always says that," said Uncle, zipping up his jeans.

Mr Malfoy shook his wand at Uncle. Uncle disappeared. Aunt screamed and Dudley ate a crisp in shock.

I shook my wand and sparks shot out. "Mr Malfoy's dad," I cried. "Bring him back. He's my Uncle and I love him dearly."

Mr Malfoy said bad words to me. I know from his tone of voice. He called us Muggles and mudbloods and other horrible things, like Muggle-born worms.

Draco sneered, but prettily. I wanted to kiss him, but I was too scared in front of his dad, who was swearing violently.

Luckily, Mrs Malfoy showed up. Draco called her Mum.

"I haven't got a mum," I said. "I have an Uncle and an Aunt and a cousin who eats crisps."

"I've got a mum and a dad and an aunt," said Draco. "They're all purebloods."

I swished my wand, hoping that Uncle would return.

Dudley was better and ran back to Diagon Alley. I knew he'd told someone like Ollivander as my rose-coloured leather jacket shrunk on me and suddenly restored to size.

I could breathe again. Draco was very pretty and so was his mummy. I wanted to kiss them both.

Mr Malfoy was very ugly. He had a screwed-up face due to rage and anger. He shouted at us, that we didn't belong here.

"It's a very smelly alleyway," I shouted. "You may belong here, Mr Malfoy, but I belong in posher avenues. So there!"

He wilted under my insult. "I live in a mansion!" he retorted. "But my family bought this alley centuries ago! You do not belong here!"

"Bring back my uncle," I demanded. "You have no rights! I'm placing you under citizen arrest. Aunt, grabs his arms and push him to the floor."

Aunt charged at him, but Mr Malfoy dodged. Aunt fell over Draco, and they ended up in a heap on the floor.

Mrs Malfoy helped them up. "What are you thinking of, Harry's Aunt?" she asked.

Dudley ran over, dragging Mr Ollivander by the arm. "There they are!" he said.

Mr Ollivander looked shocked, but drew back his wand. Mr Malfoy went flying. Whoosh! He flew through the air. Out of a portal, Uncle appeared, and went splat onto the ground.

Me and Dudley ran over and hugged him. "Are you all right, Uncle?" we asked, kissing him better.

"I'm okay," said Uncle Vernon. "Where's my wife?"

"Mum is with Mrs Malfoy," said Dudley. "Why can't I go to Hogwarts too? Why does it have to be only Harriet?"

"Harriet is a girl," explained Aunt. "She has to learn to not become a witch like her mother. She has to purge the school of magic. It's a big task, but she wants to do it. She wants to join the fight against dark magic and stop raising demons to do our bidding."

"Magic's okay," said Draco. "I'm born with it."

*/*/*

We left Knockturn Alley after making friends with Draco and Narcissa Malfoy and Dudley and Ollivander and Uncle, who is all right.

Me and Aunt hung back, fighting our terrible domestication instincts. They were sexist and wanted us to clean up the fight's mess and Uncle's pee.

I swished my wand and we were set free!

"See, Aunt," I said. "My magic helped us today."

"Magic never helps," advised my Aunt. "It doesn't exist."