It's Just Not Funny Anymore, Seth
By Andrew J. Talon
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. Family Guy and The Simpsons are the property of FOX, Matt Groening, Seth MacFarlane, and other large faceless corporations. Meaning this parody is okay, but please support the official release.
"Oh, that harlot thinks she's so cool! I'll show her cool! Yes, yes, I'll show her power," Stewie muttered to himself as he rummaged around in his armory. "I can't believe that... That... Oooh!" He pulled out a particularly nasty looking ray gun and smirked. "Yes, this will do nicely..."
"Shut up Meg," Stewie muttered. His eyes then widened as he looked back over his head. There stood Meg, smiling, in the middle of his laboratory. "MEG?!"
"Yes?" Meg asked. Stewie gaped in disbelief.
"H-How'd you... How did you get in here?! What is this place? I'm scared! I have no idea what all this is! Wah!" Stewie quickly attempted to cover. Meg sighed and rolled her eyes.
"Stewie, I know you're doing the Dexter's Lab and/or Pinkie and the Brain thing. I've known for a while."
"But I neuralyze anyone who gets a glimpse of this-I did it to you before!" Stewie cried. "In France! Oh damn, shouldn't have told you that-"
"Polarized glasses," Meg said, pointing to her eyewear. "You know, the kind with darkening lenses?"
"Oh... Damn," Stewie muttered. "Well, we can fix that...!" He pulled out his neuralyzer, but Meg snatched it away. "HEY!"
"Stewie, I have a favor to ask," Meg said. "And since I'm already in here, I think you owe me."
"What? You're going to blackmail me?" Stewie asked incredulously. Meg shrugged.
"Think of it as extortion-The 'x' makes it sound cool."
"You stole that from Futurama," Stewie said flatly.
"It wouldn't be the first joke we've stolen from a better show, nor the last," Meg replied in an annoyed tone. "Now my favor. I want to know why the universe makes me the whipping girl."
"What?!" Stewie asked in disbelief. "Are you kidding?! I can't just wave a magic wand and analyze the very narrative fabric of the universe!"
Meg scowled at him and crossed her arms over her chest. Stewie glared back. Meg continued to scowl. Stewie sighed.
"All right, fine, I can but honestly, this is pretty heavy stuff. Like Tom Cruise staring into his soul."
Tom Cruise stared in the mirror for a long time. He then shuddered, and turned away.
"Not gay not gay not gay not gay..."
Meg kept a handle on Stewie's neuralyzer as he sat her down in an examination chair. He went to a nearby computer terminal and booted up a series of scanners, which traced their beams all over Meg's body. He had to admit, she was far more cunning than he'd given her credit for. Perhaps that anyone had given her... But no! She was a disgusting, evil, wretched...
Wait a second... He narrowed his eyes at readings on the quantum scale, and referred to his multiverse guide.
"Well? What is it? You find something?" Meg asked.
"Actually, yes," Stewie said, leaning back in his chair and rubbing his smooth chin. "Apparently your quantum wavefunction has been adjusted to cause a negative reaction to everyone around you."
"Wait, what?!" Meg gasped. "How could someone do that?! I-I mean, that's like-"
"God-Tier? Yes, quite," Stewie mused. "Perhaps some higher dimensional being did so for some unfathomable purpose..." He shrugged. "Or perhaps said higher being is a passive aggressive douchebag. Who knows?"
"Can you fix it?" Meg asked. Stewie hummed.
"Well, in theory yes," Stewie said. "But I'm going to want something in return."
"Yes?" Meg asked. Stewie hit the controls, and a beam lashed out at Meg. Her eyes widened, before she slipped into unconsciousness. Stewie smirked as he retrieved his neuralyzer from her limp hand.
"I'd say that will do it. Ha! Now I'm on the other end of the taking things from infants equation!"
Stewie is sitting in a sandbox, minding his own business with a lollipop. A man comes by, stares at him a while, and takes it. He runs off. Stewie scowls and pulls out his laser gun. He vaporizes the man, and goes over to retrieve his candy. He sniffs it, and then drops it.
"Ugh! Smells like burning terror. That was a waste..."
Meg slowly opened her eyes, waking up from a deep sleep. She shook her head and mumbled a bit. "Wha... Where...?"
She could see a bright, cheerful ceiling overhead painted blue with puffy white clouds lining it. And then a football shaped head filled her vision.
"Meg? You all right?" Stewie asked, actually looking concerned. That seemed odd. Meg blinked a few times, and sat up. She looked around the room. Wasn't there something about this room that was important...? Something she wanted to... Needed to...?
"Say Meg, mind taking me downstairs?" Stewie asked with a pleading expression. He held out his arms and his lower lip wobbled. Meg slowly stood up and smiled down at her youngest brother.
"Aw, sure sweetie," she said, reaching down and picking him up. He nuzzled against her breasts.
"Mmm... I have to say, these are attractive now," Stewie said with a smirk. Meg blinked.
"Oh, never you mind, let's go!" Stewie said. Meg carried Stewie out the door into the hallway. Stewie looked over at the nearby bathroom, seeing a white tail wagging just before it silently shut. He then got an evil idea.
"Nom!" He cried, biting down on Meg's nipple. The teenaged girl yelped, and pulled Stewie away.
"Ow! Stewie, what the hell? Bad baby!" Meg cried. She hissed as she rubbed her sore nipple, and set Stewie down. "You wait here!" She ordered, before she headed to the bathroom. She opened the door and turned to the mirror. She stopped short, her breath frozen in her lungs. She reached up and touched her cheek, and then touched the mirror.
Before her was no longer some dumpy, unattractive troglodyte. She looked... Beautiful.
"I... It... Wha... Is that me?" Meg asked softly. She turned this way and that. No matter how much she exercised she never seemed to get any better and yet... Here she was!
"That's... I..." Meg frowned at some pain. She lifted up her shirt and bra and examined herself. "No skin breakage... And..." She smiled. "My God... I... They look... Normal!" She turned around and pulled her jeans down. Her smile grew. "It looks even better from this end! What the hell happened?!"
She heard a cough nearby, and looked over at the toilet. Brian sat there, staring with wide eyes. Meg blushed bright red, and quickly pulled her jeans up and her shirt and bra down.
"Ah... S-Sorry Brian."
"Don't be," the dog muttered. Meg frowned.
"I mean, I think I saw something," Brian said with forced calm.
"Oh. Stewie bit my nipple," Meg said, self consciously rubbing her breast. Brian's eyes seemed to follow her hand. "I was just checking for... Ya know... Skin breakage."
"Well... I have done the same for... Your mom, when Stewie bit on her breasts," Brian said, again in that same forced calm tone. "Perhaps I can be of assistance."
"Um... Okay?" Meg said uncertainly. She lifted her shirt and bra, blushing at the fact she was essentially flashing Brian. Then again he'd never shown any interest in her before, aside from that drunken moment... And that other drunken moment... And... And...
His tail was wagging. Meg, cheeks burning red, checked in the mirror.
"They look fine to me," Meg said. Brian slowly nodded.
"Yes... Yes they do," Brian said. "Oh wait, what's that?"
"What's what-?" Meg asked. She swore she heard a click, and looked to Brian. He was sitting on the toilet, still staring. She let her shirt and bra drop. "What was that?"
"Nothing," Brian said quickly. "Now uh... I have some business to attend to... But if you ever need an examination-"
"Uh, sure Brian," Meg said, feeling a bit creeped out. She walked out the door. Stewie watched her go, and smirked. He looked in on the bathroom.
"My God, it worked! I freaking edited reality!" Stewie pumped his fists. "Woohoo! Suck it, Hawking!"
"Wait... You mean, you made Meg hot?" Brian asked in disbelief.
"Well, it was more a matter of altering the perception of the universe towards her," Stewie bragging, buffing his fingernails against his shirt. "In a manner of speaking she's always been hot, but we were unable to perceive that due to-"
"I kind of... Need some time alone," Brian said, his phone out. He raised his furry eyebrows. "Like... For a while?"
"Oh... Ohhh... Ewwww!" Stewie cried. "I mean, hypothesis confirmed but still!"
Yeah, I don't know why.