Madara Uchiha stood towering over the shinobi alliance and the 7 bjuu's, it was the moment of his glory, his recent attack had rendered most of them off their feet, one more blow and all of those petty hindrances would be swept away. His plan was almost at success, almost. It would have been if it weren't for...
"I know what's wrong with you!" That insufferable, loudmouthed 9-tails jinchuriki- our Naruto Uzumaki- yelled on top of his voice. "You've been friendzoned!"
"What?!" His flabbergasted voice resounded across the battlefield.
"Come on! Uchiha's tend to have poor coping skills (no offense Sasuke), you wanted to erase all reality because you were abandoned by your lover," Naruto was proud of the connection he managed to make.
"I'm not sure I understand you..."
"Isn't Hashirama's face on your chest obvious enough! You were angry at him because he married Mito Uzumaki instead! Bereaved, you decided that reality no longer had a meaning- you practically aspired to create a world where you and Hashirama could become lovers. In the meantime, you decided to implant his chest on your face so you can snuggle yourself to sleep while-"
"Enough of this nonsense!"
"Mmmm Naruto's actually right," Obito Uchiha, who had somehow managed to fend off Black Zetsu's attempts at possessing him, joined the conversation, "I do recall how you kept on muttering Hashirama's name in your sleep..."
"Pity," Minato and Kakashi agreed with them.
"Obito, what- how did you break free from Black Zetsu's control-"
"We managed to convince him that no way in hell could we you complete your Moon's Eye plan just so you can cast a genjutsu on yourself of you and Hashirama having sex," Kakashi explained, "somehow, that spurred a strong tendency in him to break free of control."
Meanwhile, Hashirama had just gotten up, flummoxed, he bellowed, "wait, Madara, you started all of this because you were gay with me?"
"I'M NOT GAY!" Madara facepalmed.
The entire shinobi alliance stared at the two 'lovers' in awe.
"Grandpa, you never told me you guys were lovers!" Tsunade shouted.
"So the rumors were two back then, my brother and Madara really did try to 'do that'" Tobirama mused.
"Wow! I never knew the two legendary rival shinobi's were actually gay," a random, fodder ninja said.
"It's a pity..."
"Yeah... Those two were never fated to be together..."
"I AM NOT GAY WITH HASHIRAMA, FOR THE LAST TIME, I NEVER POSED ANY LUSTFUL TENDENCIES TOWARDS HIM!" Madara, frustrated and utterly despaired by the bombarding statements, took out a kunai and slit his own throat.
And thus, the war was won.