98 Things You Shouldn't Do on the Early Enterprise

Author's Note: Honesty, it doesn't matter which rule story you read first. I was just incredibly bored again and had just watched the motion picture (the original motion picture) and Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier. Star Trek was created by Gene Rodenberry which is not me. I don't own Star Trek.

Do not steal Scotty's scotch.

Do not tell Chekov that not everything was invented in Russia.

Do not give Spock emotions.

Do not destroy Scotty's engines.

Do not engage in a logical battle with Spock.

Do not ask the computer to calculate pi.

Do not tell Scotty that there are countries better than Scotland.

Do not purposely agitate a Klingon.

Do not blow yourself up.

Do not get caught in a blizzard in seventy degree weather.

Do not climb a mountain just because it is there.

Do not put yourself in mortal danger whilst Dr. McCoy is watching.

Do not be one with the horse.

Do not attempt to mind meld with Spock.

Do not bring Q onto the original series.

Do not question Kirk's orders.

Do not doubt Chekov's intelligence.

Do not bitch slap Spock and then blame it on Sulu.

Do not start a best sunglasses competition whilst Spock is away.

Do not trash Sick Bay whilst Dr. McCoy watching.

Do not try to sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" with Spock.

Do not try to stop Uhara from kissing anybody.

Do not order Spock to murder somebody.

Do not paint a bunny face on Captain Kirk's face whilst he is sleeping.

Do not admit you are lost even if you are lost.

Do not cross the Great Barrier.

Do not do the chicken dance on your way up the turbolift.

Do not give Spock facial hair and then call him evil Spock.

Do not try to imitate somebody's accent.

Do not stalk a Vulcan.

Do not punch the con.

Do not start a band and play your first concert on the bridge.

Do not fall into a volcano.

Do not stare at a wall.

Do not punch yourself in the face whilst people are watching you.

Do not dress up as a banana and sing "Peanut Butter Jelly Time".

Do refuse to wear command red.

Do not destroy the planet Vulcan.

Do not run around with an American flag and scream "FREEDOM!" at the top of your lungs.

Do not kill Kirk with a bridge.

Do not allow Chekov into your vodka stash.

Do not put Kirk on a leash and then tie him to a dog pole.

Do not challenge Scotty into a drinking competition

Do not yell Khan randomly to the sky.

Do not take the red pill.

Do not press the red button.

Do not attempt to steer the Enterprise with the wheel that says, "To boldly go where no man has gone before."

Do not have closed-minded ideals.

Do not lock Uhara in a closet with a Ferengi.

Do not try to communicate using the Morse Code.

Do not piss off Sulu.

Do not pull on your head and then tell people that see you that you attempting to remove your head.

Do not discredit Scotty's transwarp theory.

Do not act insanely whilst on the planet Vulcan.

Do not dress up as a crash test dummy and then claim you will crash the ship.

Do not start a fight with Sulu or Captain Kirk.

Do not kick Kirk off the Enterprise.

Do not purposely hurt yourself whilst Dr. McCoy watching.

Do not allow McCoy to inject you randomly with medicine.

Do not allow Kirk to spy on you.

Do not create a universe ending paradox.

Do not run head on into a wall.

Do not paint Chekov's quarters pink, dye his hair purple, or bedazzle his uniform.

Do not sing "Barbie Girl" at the top of your lungs on your way to the bridge.

Do not make fun of an alien species for his/her/its looks.

Do not threaten to assimilate Kirk.

Do not step in gum.

Do not prevent Kirk from being reckless.

Do not force McCoy to go skydiving with you for fun.

Do not tell Scotty that his job can be performed by monkeys.

Do not release the kraken.

Do not fire an illegal weapon on the Enterprise.

Do not call Kirk weak.

Do not agitate Spock.

Do not challenge Sulu to a fencing competition.

Do not spit out cranberry juice all over Sulu's face and uniform in an attempt to make him believe it is blood.

Do not steal Sherlock Holmes lines. (Spock that means you!)

Do not cover all the uniforms with cheese.

Do not force Uhara to tell you her first name.

Do not light yourself on fire.

Do not get Scotty wet or feed him after midnight.

Do not tell Chekov that there are monsters under his bed.

Do not hire a mime to mimic everything Kirk does.

Do not teach your dog to bite Spock.

Do not fall into a blackhole.

Do not get into an argument with your future self.

Do not shave Spock bald.

Do not attempt to use Scotty's body as a trampoline and then claim you thought it would work.

Do not drink as much Romulan ale as you can get your hands on.

Do drive an antique car off a cliff whilst blasting classic rock music and diving out at the last possible second.

Do not throw up on McCoy.

Do not build a card tower on the Captain's chair.

Do not play chess with Spock.

Do not cheat on an impossible test.

Do not try to break the world's longest line of dominoes record.

Do not attempt to sneak behind Spock and then scare him.

Do not walk onto the bridge wearing a scary Halloween mask and/or costume.

Do not prevent a Star Trek fan from speaking the Klingon language whenever they wish.

Author's Note: Probably isn't as funny as the last one but I had to post it so please humor me and review.