DISCLAIMER: I Do not own Harry Potter or making any money off this...it all belongs to JK Rowling
PAIRINGS: Harry/Severus, mentions Harry/Sirius
AUTHOR NOTES: This story is not beta'd at all my apologies for spelling and grammar errors. My other stories that I have I am working on but I have lost my muse for them so hopefully i'll be back to them soon.
My heart is broken.
I don't know why but you broke my heart.
Throughout my life I never had anyone I could really depend on thus is why I am sitting here, fire whisky in one hand, quill in the other; its kind of my way of dealing with things and perhaps one day when I'm long gone that you will read this and realize how much I love you and how much you hurt me.
When I was little all I wanted was someone to love me, to hold me and take my fears away from me and for a while I had that with you.
My relatives hated me, they called me worthless, unlovable….a freak and I believed them as no one ever told me any different.
Anything that went wrong in their life, I would suffer for it, they would beat me, starve me or lock me away so they didn't have to deal me….in essence I was burden to them and apparently you as well.
I came into the wizarding world hoping to escape my prison but only to end up in another one. I was their hero for something I don't even remember.
When I came to Hogwarts you hated me and I didn't know why. I was a child, I had hopes and dreams but the wizarding world had hopes and dreams for me also, ironically no one wanted to see me, to see Harry. No all they saw was my scare, not the broken boy I was.
I had friends, the first I ever had as my cousin would make sure no one would ever be friends with me but here I made my first friends ever.
At times I was reckless, always out pass curfew but you would be to if you spent most of your life locked in a cupboard….I enjoyed my freedom while I could.
Voldemort tried to kill me almost every year I was here and every year somehow, I don't know but you knew where I was and was able to save me.
Things for me changed around my third year, I found my godfather and I was starting to see people differently. I could see Ron and Hermione falling in love but not realizing it and I saw and discovered how wonderful the male body was.
That was the year I realized I was gay plus it didn't help that I had a crush on my DADA professor at the time even though he was straight, it was that year I lost my virginity to a muggle boy that lived not to far away from me.
Over the next couple of years I explored my sexuality, I tried kissing a girl but it did nothing for me, it was men I wanted.
Did you know that Sirius and I had sex? Probably not it was something I never told you since I knew how much you hated him.
It was around my fourth year that I started developing feelings for you but I knew that I had no hope with you then so I told Sirius how I felt about you and he told me that someone like you could never love someone like me; not like he could. At the time I thought he was wrong that you could love me and I wanted to prove that and I almost did but Sirius was right, wasn't he? You didn't love me.
It was around then him and I started having sex, I loved him but not like I loved you…you had my heart and even now you still have it even though you ripped it from me and trampled all over it.
During my seventh year it was when things started to turn around for us. You started seeing me for me, we trained together, we argued, we became friends and together you and I brought down Voldemort.
It was then you kissed me and I thought I had died and gone to heaven the moments your lips touched mine.
It was also then you told me it was a mistake and that you shouldn't have kissed me, I nodded trying to hide my tears as my heart was breaking.
It was roughly a year later we saw each again. It had been a rough year for me, every wanted me because of who I was, so I left and went travelling in hopes I could find somewhere and settle down but alas my heart still belong to you and I missed you so much.
I did try getting with a few guys but it just ended up as meaningless sex…a quick fuck as my heart belong to you.
I returned to Hogwarts at the request of the Headmistress to teach DADA and I jumped at the chance as I got to see you again.
Things hadn't change much between us for the first month until one night we got into a huge argument but ended up in bed instead.
Do you remember that? You were so gentle and so loving.
You worshipped me as I worshipped you and for the first time ever I felt safe in your arms that night as we fell asleep.
Over the next couple of months our tryst continued until you stopped it saying that I should be with someone my own age. I told you I wanted you and you said to me the sex was good Potter but that's all it ever be…just sex nothing else.
I was miserable and I turned to drinking to down my sorrows and would often show up to classes with a hang over but I didn't care I wasn't happy; you took that away from me.
It wasn't until I stumble into the great hall blind drunk that you grabbed me, took me to your quarters and sobered me up.
We talked and once again we ended up in bed.
For the next six months I was so happy again, I had the man I loved more then anything in the world, you were everything I could have ever wanted plus more. I should have known it would've last…the fates were always against me.
I was so happy and I wanted you by my side always so I went out and brought some rings, I was planning on asking you to bond with me, to become my husband….I loved you that much you were everything to me that was until a couple of days ago.
I went into your rooms like I had done countless of times before. I made you dinner, ran you a bath and have everything ready for when you finished for the day.
I was nervous as all hell, I made sure I had the rings in my pocket about a million times, I went over and over what I was going to say and do for when I proposed to you but when you came through the door you were livid.
I tried finding out what was wrong but you just started yelling at me. You called me everything that my family called me. You told me I was a waste of time, that I was a freak for loving you and that I was nothing but a burden to you and you literally threw me out of your quarters.
I had no idea why you did that and I still don't, my only crime that I knew I was guilty of was that I loved you.
I walked around like a zombie all night, at breakfast you ignored me the same with lunch and dinner and any other attempt I made to talk to you.
Last night I got drunk, hell I think I still am.
I went to see you but this time you did acknowledge me and a bit of hope filled me but it came crashing down when you told me to get my worthless ass away from you and if I ever to come near you again you would chop me up for potion ingredients. I ran. You actually frighten me so much with the way you spoke to me and the way you stood over me as though I was a piece of filth.
I came back here and cried my eyes out, drunk my self silly and all I can hear was Uncle Vernon laughing at me and saying that nobody could ever love me and he is right. Nobody will ever love me!
I got my affairs in order, I have had them in order since before the final battle thinking that I may not survive it, I wish I didn't, then I wouldn't be suffering the pain that I was feeling right now.
To who ever finds me, not that anyone will come looking for me. I am a worthless freak. I don't deserve love. I don't deserve to be happy and I am a gay man who loves a man that thinks I am a waste a space. I am a burden to the world so therefore I am going to say goodbye to this world.
Anyway to whoever the unlucky person to find me I am sorry it had to be you.
Lastly I am going to say that I love Severus Snape with all my heart and soul and hope that he finds the happiness he deserves since I couldn't give it to him but please tell him that I do love him.
Harry Potter placed his quill next to his note, went to the mantle piece and picked up a photo of him and Severus and sat back down in his chair.
Picking up his wand and starring at the picture now resting on his lap he said the two words that would end his life.
"Avada Kedevra" and with a flash of green light Harry Potter was no more, Dead at the age of nineteen.
A day later Severus Snape discovered Harry's body and for the first time in his life, he cried and held his loved one.
He wished he never said those things to Harry but his temper got the better of him when the Malfoy heir told him that Harry was cheating on him with another man.
Only to discover it was Malfoy's way I getting Harry out of the picture to make his move on him. He was furious at the Malfoy hier and cursed him into next week and was coming to make amends with his one true love only to find him dead by his own wand.
The funeral came and hundreds of people mourned the loss of their hero but none more so then Severus Snape.
He kept the letter Harry wrote, no one ever saw it and no one ever will. Placing it with his most valuable belongings Severus sealed them and banished them.
Holding the picture of Harry he turned his wand on himself and uttered the curse that would take him to his beloved.