Disclaimer: Prick-torious, the spin-off of Victorious featuring members of Congress, is not brought to you by nedthejanitor.

Another week, another assignment from Mr. Jacobson. Tori let out an audible groan as she read it over. The paper told her she and a group of up to three people must create a five-minute found-footage short film. It must be shot dark to both heighten narrative tension and force students to use shooting techniques discussed in class.

Tori did a bout of characteristic whining in her inner monologue. "Ooooh," she moaned like the Pillsbury Doughboy being accidentally anally penetrated during a seedy porn shoot, "How does Mr. Jacobson expect us to have all this free time?! There's no way I can fit a rousing musical number in this!"

The teen's pissing and moaning soon erupted from her mouth like a stepped-on firehose that hasn't gotten laid in weeks. Andre was the unfortunate first victim of this spray. Poor, beleaguered son of a bitch has been trying to bed this girl since before he cares to remember. What, you thought he was just hanging out with her because of her personality? Sounds like you're in the wrong ficking fanfuc. Er, fucking fanfic. Say that five times really fast.

"Andreeeeee, accent mark," Tori said in pleading falsetto. "Am I really the only one who has to do this dumb assignment?"

"Well, yeah," Andre said with a smarmy shrug. "You are the only one who decided to take Mr. Jackoffson's short film class."

Tori smiled at Andre's somewhat clumsy nickname for the notorious teacher. "He didn't even put us together in groups! All of the kids in my class are creepy AV kids, like Robbie!"

The eponymous boy, having heard his name called, rappelled from the ceiling right in front of Tori. "Hey! What's wrong with being in AV club?!"

"Oh my God, Robbie, not now!" Tori whined. "I'm busy talking to- hey, where'd he go?"

Andre, seeing an out, left so fast he left a trail of dreadlock dust in his wake. Tori and Robbie stood awkwardly together. You know that old meme about being so awkward that spaghetti starts to fall out of your pockets? Cthulhu was starting to come out of Robbie's pockets. That motherfucker could make a nudist colony feel awkward. Fuck, people, he's nearly voting age and his right hand still spends most of its time in a puppet's ass. I'm pretty sure the only reason he's got any money is because even muggers have a sense of sportsmanship.

Anyway, Robbie and his puppet ogled Tori and she began to flick through her mental rolodex of excuses to leave. Before she could hit upon one that Robbie would understand (I have to buy a pair of tweezers for my dick pimples) he spoke up, "Tori, mind if I see that assignment sheet?"

Tori handed it over without question. Who knows, maybe he'd blow his nose on it and she could have an excuse. He scanned it with his eyes for a second. His puppet also looked at it, but that didn't matter because puppet. "Tori, check this out, I think I may have just found a loophole: the sheet doesn't say you have to group up with people from your class!"

"What? Let me see that!" Tori took the paper back and checked for herself. "'You and your group must record a five-minute…' I mean, I don't know if Mr. Jacobson would let me-"

"Just fucking do it!" Robbie's puppet, Rex, jumped in. Tori stood there and looked at the thing and acted as though it were really a thing that could talk. "Yo ass ain't getting in anyone's group in the class, anyway! Remember the time you tried to make a musical out of your Schindler's List assignment?"

Tori did remember that. She was supposed to get together with two kids from her class and do a scene from Schindler's list. The teacher was so shocked by her result, he put a strict embargo on her. If anyone in the class even looked at her for the following week, they would get flagellated. Mr. Jacobson owned a cat of nine tails, and that ain't nothing to fuck with.

"Okay, I'll do it," Tori finally gave in.

Robbie did a little fist pump. This meant he was totally going to get laid! I mean, she said "do it" and everything!

"Whoa, I didn't say I was taking you along," she then explained. Robbie was positively dashed. He tried to use his cavalcade of charms. "Come on! I know a perfect place where we can film and it'll be dark!"

"What, your bedroom?'

"Uh, no," Robbie said with a sarcastic face. "My basement! Duh! We can even get a creepy effect with the water drip and- hey, where are you going?"

Tori walked off. She knew her group needed to consist of at least three others, and the perfect ones in her mind were…


Cat, Jade and Tori's sister, Trina, stood by themselves at midnight in the middle of a nearby park called Rosewood. At the time, they had no idea they were being watched. No, not by Robbie. Well, actually, yes, by Robbie, but there was someone else too.

"Okay," Tori said, "let's go over the script one more time."

"Fuck," Jade made no attempt to mask her displeasure. "We all know what to do!"

Tori crossed her arms, making that sassy, bitchy face that made Jade get all wet- angry, not wet! Angry! "Well, then why have we been spending the last half hour filming the same thing over and over?"

"Because Trina won't stop putting her face in front of the camera! She's the worst camera girl ever!"

"Yes, and?"

"Because Cat keeps leaving to play on the swing set!"


Jade sighed. "And because I keep looking at your ass."

"I know you're really jealous of my pants, but if you keep getting distracted we'll never finish this!" Tori bought Jade's ridiculous excuse hook, line and sinker. "Now let's start again, from the top!"

But before they could make yet another futile attempt, a tall man in a suit appeared right behind Tori…