Jokers Wild

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Harry Potter. Truthfully, I don't own a whole carload of anime or series from popular media. Man, am I depressed now!

Chapter 1

Naruto carefully set his alarm before lying down. Tomorrow was the big day when they assigned teams and he didn't want to be late. It was a shame he never took the same care with actually setting the time on it are he wouldn't have had nearly as many problems with being late to class.

Naruto waved to the cheering crowd from the balcony of the Hokage's Tower. He was the youngest Hokage ever, having been promoted straight out of the academy just for being too awesome for words. Turning to the pink haired girl at his side he froze for a second. She looked… older than he expected. He opened his mouth to say something but an air horn went off.

Sakura looked in her compact and frowned before reaching up and pulling her hairline forward to make her forehead smaller.

Again he opened his mouth to say something and that air horn went off again.


Naruto's alarm blared, waking him up.

"Huh?" he said, slowing looking around before noticing how high the sun was and leaping out of bed, screaming, "I'm late!"

Naruto rushed for the bathroom while a pair of clones got his clothes together and started the Ramen. After a few seconds of thought they got out a couple more cups of instant ramen. Minutes later, Naruto burst out of the bathroom, dressed himself while eating his Ramen with one hand, nodded thanks to the clone buckling on his pouches for him and vanished with a crack.

The two clones looked curiously at the spot Naruto had been standing a moment before. "Well that was different," one finally said before dismissing it as unimportant.

"Wanna go make some cash so we can score some Ichiraku's Ramen?"

"Let's roll," the other clone said, not bothering to answer.

Everyone jumped as Naruto arrived with a loud pop, still eating his Ramen. It'd take a lot more that discovering he had a bloodline to make him stop eating his Ramen before he finished.

"Naruto?" Shikamaru asked irritably, annoyed at having Ino on his team and if you want to get down to it, annoyed at being on a team himself. "Don't you have to graduate to be on a team?"

"Yeah, big mess, long story, classified but the end result is I passed. Good thing for you they don't bar assholes though."

"Hey!" Chouji exclaimed, coming to the defense of his best friend.

"Point," Shikamaru conceded. "I'm a bit irritated at the way the team selections were done."

"Ohh, took a peak, huh? I'm guessing you either got Sasuke or a fan girl to be that irritated, unless it was both Sasuke and a fan girl." Naruto shuddered. "I think I'd slit my throat if that happened."

Unseen by Naruto, Shikamaru's eyes shot open and he watched as Naruto took his usual seat.

"What's wrong?" Chouji asked.

"Naruto's probably going to off himself when he hears the team announcements," Shikamaru warned.

Whatever Chouji's reply would have been was drowned out by Ino and Sakura arguing and wedging themselves in the door. Somehow, Sakura managed to squeeze herself in before Ino and rush for the coveted seat-next-to-Sasuke, which she found Naruto sitting in. "Move, Naruto! I want to sit next to Sasuke!" she all but screamed.

Naruto turned to face her and his ready smile faded into a contemplative look as he met her eyes. Inner Sakura had been gloating about getting the coveted seat as soon as the flattened the pest that occupied it now, memories of the satisfaction she felt smacking Naruto down for getting in her way or dissing Sasuke bubbling up around her. "This kinda puts things in perspective," a familiar voice said from behind her.

Inner Sakura whirled around and found herself facing Naruto, a Naruto without his trademark grin as he stared at her impassively, as if he was judging her. Sakura stumbled back shaking her head. "If you wanted the seat you should have gotten here earlier or at least asked nicely," Naruto said, and annoyed look on his face.

"I-I," Sakura stuttered, unsure of how to deal with this drastic change in the status quo.

"Whatever, find a seat," Naruto said turning around.

Sakura tried to find a seat nearby, but the two empty spots she saw on her way down to the front were now occupied by Shikamaru and Chouji. Sighing she headed for the back of the room as Iruka burst into the room and started assigning teams.

Five minutes later…

"Shadow possession complete!" Shikamaru called out, surprising Iruka who turned and found Shikamaru was preventing Naruto from cutting his own throat.


"What?" Naruto stopped trying to kill himself. "You stuck me with an Emo and his fangirl! It's either this or become a pirate."

"What?" Iruka asked confused.

"The dead last is always paired with the Rookie of the Year," Sasuke said. "Though I could really do without you or the fangirl dragging me down."

"Oh please," Naruto said, rolling his eyes. "My grades and training were screwed with, Shikamaru did just enough to keep above last place so no one would expect much from him, Yachiru has an uncle she plans on training with so she kept her scores low to avoid attention, same with Ichi over there. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised to find out that most of the students in the lower half of the grading curve did some decent work on getting the spot they chose. Me and the lazy bones already knew we were picked for the teams because of chakra reserves and bloodlines, so our grades didn't matter. Still annoys the piss out of me that mine were screwed with though."

Sasuke blinked and took a closer look at the class. Most of the genin who were going to join the common ranks were snickering or sharing easy grins with their classmates, clearly satisfied with what they'd gotten. They'd probably never get beyond chunin, but their life would be a lot safer that those picked for the teams who were all expected to make chunin in a couple of years and jounin in five on average.

"Yep, mostly dealing with village duties and paperwork. Barring the occasional caravan escort or grunt work for a major Leaf project outside the village, they'll even sleep in their own beds every night. Some morons call them part time nin, or other insulting names, but they are the ones who do something like eighty percent of the work needed to keep the village running and when we get infiltrations they are the ones who usually find and report them."

Before anything more could be said the Jounin instructors came and claimed their teams, leaving Naruto's team waiting for theirs with the common nin, who were waiting for their section assignments.

"Can I please have your seat?" Sakura asked Naruto.

"The one on his other side is open," Naruto pointed out, the class having shifted around as teams were announced.

"Thanks!" Sakura said, quickly claiming her prize.

"So where's our sensei anyway?" Naruto asked Iruka, who was finishing up some paperwork.

"Kakashi is notoriously late," Iruka replied. "I wouldn't expect him to show up till sometime after lunch, way after."

Naruto made a single handsign, producing a dozen clones. "see what you guys can dig up. I'll be at Ichiraku's."

"Naruto you idiot, Illusory clones can't-" Sakura began having recovered from her earlier shock, but Naruto vanished with a crack and his clones ignored her to argue about who would do what.

"How did he do that?" Iruka asked curiously.

"I don't know," Sasuke replied. "His clones should have dissipated and they shouldn't be able to move things like they are."

"No, I know about that," Iruka said. "I mean how did he vanish like that?"

"No one's asked him yet," Sasuke offered, while silently wondering why the 'Not-Dead-Last' was suddenly spouting secrets and how he'd missed them before.

The clones all vanished, sounding like popcorn popping and leaving Iruka cursing, "Damnit, I should have asked one of his clones. Oh well, I'll see if I can catch him at lunch."

Naruto dropped his fork in the sink and put his empty cup of Ramen in the trash. He'd always known that when he made Genin things would turn around for him, but not even he had expected things to go this well! It was like everything had fallen into place. He understood things that had confused him before and he had even gained a bloodline! He'd known how to teleport from one place to another like it was the most natural think in the world and he'd been able to look inside Sakura… Haruno's mind. It had been so easy, like he'd done it before and was just remembering how!

Entering Ichiraku's ramen, Naruto was surprised to find he was already there, several times over. "Didn't I send you guys out to gather info on Kakashi?"

"We played Rock, Paper, Scissors for the right to ask Teuchi, I won," one of the clones said. "The other two are from this morning."

Naruto looked at the three clones eating Ramen and the pile of bowls next to them. "You guys didn't drain Gama-chan, did you?"

"Nah, hit the red light district and acted as tour guides for a couple of people," one of the clones said. "And he was with me."

"I'm sponging off of these two," the third clone said.

"Cool, any info?" Naruto asked, signaling for Ayame to bring him a couple of bowls.

"Sure, take a look." The clone handed him a notebook.

Naruto read through what the clone had written. "Huh, he sure knows a lot."

"Comes from being so old," Ayame giggled as she handed Naruto a couple of bowls of Ramen. "Not that I mind having more of you around, but how are there four of you?"

"Shadow clones," Naruto replied with a proud grin.

"How can I tell the original from the clones?" she asked curiously.

"Clones don't have bellybuttons," Naruto joked with a straight face.

"Let me see?" Ayame asked reaching for his waist.

"Ayame!" Teuchi called out from behind the counter in shock, since he'd only caught their actions, not their words.

Realizing what it looked like, she turned bright red.

"Do you have a bellybutton?" a dark haired man in his mid-thirties, who looked like he worked in an office, asked.

"Yeah, why?" Naruto replied.

"Because if you have a bellybutton… then you didn't just appear from nowhere, it means you had parents," the man said seriously, like he was imparting a secret of the universe.

"Oh?" Naruto said, his eyes opening wide as he got the hidden subtext. If Naruto had a bellybutton, he couldn't be the fox sealed in human form, because that being wasn't born of a woman. Naruto lifted his shirt and Ayame reached forward and pulled a small ball of lint out of his bellybutton.

The only person too young to know about the fox was Ayame, so the rest of the crowd was suitably awed by the demonstration of Naruto being an actual human being. "Can you show us the…" the man's voice trailed off as he remembered Ayame was there.

"Ayame," Naruto said as the girl looked around and wondered why everyone was so shocked. "I'm about to let you in on an S-ranked Secret that only me and the old man are allowed to talk about, okay?"

She nodded, sensing the seriousness of the moment even as the crowd gathered around.

"The nine tailed fox couldn't be killed, but it could be contained… in a newborn baby. The reason people treat me the way that they do is because half think I am the fox sealed in human form, and the other half thinks I'm being controlled by it, or could be at any moment." Naruto channeled a bit of chakra and the seal appeared.

"Hard to believe that a human sealed something like that," one of the civilians said, shaking his head.

"He didn't," Naruto replied. "The Yondaime used his seal to summon the Shinigami and in exchange for his soul the Shinigami sealed it."

"That actually makes me feel better about it," the civilian said agreeably. "'Cause I can see the Shinigami pulling it off."

It was a reassured and respectful crowd that departed the store with one of them calling back, "Best put it away, some kids are coming in."

"Naruto?! What are you doing!" Iruka screamed as he looked over the crowd and saw what looked like Naruto buckling his pants.

"Hey!" one of the women who had been in in the crowded restaurant admonished Iruka. "He is a man! Do not speak to Uzumaki-sama that way!"

Iruka stood there twitching with a confused look on his face and two puzzled genin behind him.

Ayame pulled Naruto into a hug. "I'll always be there to keep it lint free," she promised.

"One bowl of Miso," Sasuke ordered, hungry and not wanting to deal with whatever Naruto was mixed up in. There was also a trace of jealousy seeing Naruto and the Ramen waitress holding each other so closely, but he quickly buried it. He needed no one and attachments would just get people killed.

Sakura motioned to the three clones sitting and eating Ramen. "You can eat?"

"We can do anything but bleed," one of the clones said in between bites as the other two clones gave him approving looks for making such a badass statement.

"Yeah, but won't all of the ramen you ate just drop to the ground when you pop?"

The three clones' eyes shot wide open at the horrifying thought of losing Ramen they had already eaten! The two clones from the morning turned to the third. "You've eaten less than we have, pop," they chorused. With a sigh, the third moved to the middle of the floor and vanished into smoke, leaving not a trace behind.

"Where the hell does the ramen go when you pop?" Sakura demanded.

"Normally it'd make a mess on the floor," Iruka admitted confused.

"Not even the icy grip of the Shinigami itself shall deprive me of my Ramen," Naruto swore as the memories hit him and he realized what had happened.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't notice that, as it creates a lot of disturbing questions," Iruka decided.

"Suit yourself," Naruto said as Ayame released him to continue with his meal.

"I will ask about that vanishing technique you did though," Iruka said, getting back to his reason for hunting Naruto down.

"Bloodline… I woke up and realized I could do it and it was easy," Naruto replied. "I'm in one place, and suddenly I'm in another, miles away, instantly."

"I see. Well you better inform the Hokage, because I believe he'd be interested in it."

"Okay," Naruto said and vanished with a crack.

"I actually meant after lunch," Iruka said with a sigh.

One of the two remaining clones summoned and dismissed a clone, who ignored his attempt to get him to pop and vanished with a crack.

The Hokage stared in shock.

"New bloodline, cool huh?" Naruto said.

With a crack, another Naruto appeared. "Iruka said after lunch."

"Oh," Naruto replied. "Later old man." With a loud crack, Naruto vanished. The clone waved and vanished likewise.

The Hokage lit his pipe and leaned back in his chair. "I knew that seal was too complex to track everything it did, but I always thought your idea of using seals to create a new bloodline was nothing but a pipe dream. I wonder how many other surprises it holds."

Iruka groaned. "Never mind," he said, knowing explaining things to Naruto would just result in him teleporting back and forth from here to the Hokage's office again.

The latest clone groaned as well. "Forgot, I need cash. See you in an hour." He left with a sigh.

Iruka and Naruto's teammates waited for Naruto to explain. Naruto ordered another bowl of Ramen, completely missing the fact that they were waiting for him to answer a question they hadn't asked.

"Fine, I'll ask," Sasuke said. "Where is your clone going for cash?"

"Probably going to hunt down a nervous or easily embarrassed tourist and lead them to what they're looking for," Naruto replied. "They usually tip pretty well."

"Oh," Sakura replied thinking Naruto was taking them around to different shops. Sasuke thought much the same thing as Sakura while Iruka had a much more realistic idea of what's going on and decided he didn't want it confirmed.

"So what's the limit of your new bloodline?" Iruka asked.


"How far can you teleport, and how much can you carry?" Iruka explained.

"The farther it is the more draining it is," Naruto said thoughtfully. "I could carry Sasuke to Suna for instance, but it'd wipe me out for a couple of hours and I need to know the place before I can go there."

"And it's instantaneous?" Iruka asked.

"Yeah, or close enough that I can't tell."

"Suna?" one clone asked the others with him.

"Suna," they agreed before they vanished.

"What's with that?" Sasuke asked, not willing to wait for one for the others to remember that Naruto generally ignored or didn't notice unasked questions.

"We've never seen Suna before, so they're going there."

"I thought you had to know the place?" Iruka asked.

"Or see it," Naruto said. "It'll take a lot longer, but they can just port as far as they can see and then do it again and again and again until they get where they're going."

A couple of female Naruto's looking like mother and daughter came in and handed Naruto a folder before ordering Ramen, which Naruto paid for.

"Strengths, weaknesses, implanted bloodline, you guys got it all," Naruto said as he read through the file.

The older looking clone smirked. "Played barmaid for an hour. ANBU have really loose lips where alcohol and women are involved."

"I played eager academy student," the younger looking clone said. "A bright and cheerful smile and some impressed expressions and on-duty nin were eating out of the palm of my hand."

"Great job, both of you," Naruto said with a grin.

"Man, I'm full," she said after inhaling a bowl. "Body's a bit too small to hold more than one bowl. Oh well, I gotta let the old man know about the four infiltrators that the Ranks caught, so he knows they were us at work."

"Infiltrators?" Iruka asked.

"Yeah, I had a group try and get his records but they caught us as usual. The old man will have me filling out reports so he knows of any weaknesses we found and who to give recognition to for catching them," Naruto said.

"Let me see everything we've got, and I'll con the old man into connecting it so we have fewer mistakes," she offered.

"You think you can trick the Hokage?" Iruka asked doubtfully and received a lot of laughter in response.

"Nah, the old man will probably know what we're doing before we do, but as long as we're reasonably sneaky about it and it's in his interest, like say finding what info is available as well as what lies are, he'll let it slide," she said before vanishing.

"Being Hokage isn't just about kicking ass, you also gotta know what's going on," Naruto said, proving he actually did listen when Sarutobi explained things. "Like right now, we gotta get back to the classroom because Kakashi is on his way."

"I thought he'd take longer," Iruka said.

"He had someone check the classroom to see if we were still there," Naruto replied. "Probably wanted to see how long we'd wait."

"Can we get back before he arrives?" Sasuke asked.

Naruto summoned a dozen clones. "Delay him," he ordered just before they vanished. "Easily. I'll port us."

Sasuke stood up and Naruto put an arm around him as the other female clone did the same to Sakura before all four vanished.

Iruka shook his head. "That boy never ceases to surprise me."

Typing by: Last Primarch!