The Mirror Lied
He knew from the beginning. He was Onodera Ritsu and nothing or nobody was going to tell him otherwise.
No matter how hard his parents tried, his father much more understanding than his own mother. Whom kept him buckled up under lock and key in his bedroom during his years at middle school. It was always hard when the school sent him home for wearing trousers instead of a skirt that showed his slender soft thighs. The grimacing he used to make when the teachers found it a bother to call him under the name he wanted and the suffix "-kun" was all too much but a bother to them.
God and what a nightmare it was when he started his period which was rather early in-fact. He screamed in terror and his mother had to come in to help him clean up then explain what was happening to his body, she seemed so proud. Ritsu the opposite he despised it, the smell and the pain in his lower body it caused him to want to hurl. His mother branded him a tom boy but when Ritsu hit his teens cutting off his once long brown hair and bound his breasts that was when it started to become worrying. It became worse when his breasts got bigger and hips bloomed. But when he broke down his father managed to pull a few strings with the school thanks to his position. The term it's not what you know but who you know really did turn out to be very realistic in Onodera's case. Thankfully he was allowed to turn up in a male school uniform at his new high school and enrolled as a male student.
Of course Ritsu's mother wasn't happy her child was taking hormones. It had been a year and Ritsu wasn't passing that well, his voice dropped more and increase of hair was taking place. This pleased him, it really did but his body didn't. Nobody knew of his situation only the head master and a couple of the other higher-ups. He didn't need the bullying, the cruel name calling and threats like he'd previously received. For once Ritsu would just like one friend, only one. Why was that too much to ask for. He was so lonely apart from the various online forums he participated in he had no one.
Even down to the boys in his class Ritsu couldn't muster up a proper conversation with them. It was as if they didn't allow him in their circle he was still an outside to their male ring. P.E was a task but somehow he managed to get through it. Girls in his class were nicer to him he caught a couple of them staring at him from time to time. He remembered about a month ago a cute pig tailed girl privately asked him out but kindly let her down. Ritsu barely even knew her but when she didn't take no as an answer the girl tried lunging on to him and roughly pushing her away to the floor. He couldn't forgive himself but at the same time he didn't need the drama who knows what she may have done if she found out or felt something. Ritsu couldn't risk that.
The library was his release. Away from the chatter and squealing girls in the hallways. School work and his family, from a young age Ritsu had an interest in books. Not just because his father ran a publishing company in his name but Ritsu enjoyed reading them, cherished them and all the hard work that had gone into them. He liked stories he could recall his mother reading to him when he was very small it didn't matter what it was about he just loved to imagine and play the scenes out in his head.
But one day something was different. He couldn't reach for a particular novel, Ritsu cursed mentally about his short legs. He never seemed to grow that much he'd always been pretty small.
Making noises of strain under his breath Ritsu panicked when he stumbled back into something. Slightly glancing around he caught sight that he had bashed into someone. He turned bowing an apology and didn't even see the student reach to hand him the book.
"Here you go," A calm but mellow deep voice said.
He looked up to find a rather beautiful dark-haired young man before him. Standing quite close, he was tall and broad something Ritsu wished he could be. His eyes a glimmering hazel, seemingly gorgeous. A strange feeling stirred inside Ritsu something he never usually felt often or hadn't at all. He felt his cheeks burn and didn't understand all he did was pass him a book which he still hasn't taken yet.
Shakily Ritsu took it noticing their fingers brushed. Slowly taking his eyes from the novel and looking up at the taller tall he whispered a faint thank you then darted his gaze back to the ground.
It happened like that. Before Ritsu knew it he was absolutely besotted with the boy who was apparently called Saga Masamune. Ritsu followed up on all the previous books he'd been reading not to mention watched him from a far every on visit he made in the library. Never a day went by when he couldn't stop thinking about him. He changed his name to "Oda" in the end to prevent him finding out his real name and to stop it looking as creepy so he hoped.
Then there was one day when Ritsu had accidentally confessed to him. It happened when they went to grab the same book, their eyes locked and Ritsu jumped away instantly calling his name. Catching the taller teen's attention he wanted to know why he knew his name and all Ritsu could tell him was that he loved him. It felt incredible to confess but at the same time nerve wrecking. Surprisingly he didn't reject him and asked if he wanted to date.
They were dating but it didn't really feel as if they were. Saga-senpai barely said anything about their relationship; he made little conversation since he wasn't exactly a social butterfly. Ritsu was shy but did most of the talking anyway he was so glad he got to speak to him like this. They had small dates usually during break at school. They only went to Subway or the book store in town on their way home.
Ritsu knew Saga was keeping secrets. He wasn't happy and he could see that. He was suffering with depression and when Ritsu had tried giving his hand to help him he bit it and told him his love was disgusting.
It hurt like hell, Ritsu blamed himself but fought back for him when it rained that day he passed him a spare umbrella and freaked out when he tried holding his hand.
However one day come to Ritsu's belief his boyfriend invited him over to his house for the first time. Anxious Ritsu was doing well until he recognized his cat he rescued that was abandoned and sniffed at his bed. Saga didn't seem to mind so much though but when he went in to kiss Ritsu everything shattered.
"Is something wrong?" His voice was really gentle almost as soft as wool.
Ritsu bowed his head in defeat wanting to cry. He couldn't, he didn't want to go this far. But he loved Saga and if they were going to be together at some point or later he was going to have to show himself. All he could think of is that he wouldn't like what he saw though and if he rejects him.
"S-Senpai what.. What.. Are you doing?" He whispered.
Saga shifted his feet now a bit uncomfortable. "I thought you wanted to do this sort of stuff with me I mean why else would you be on my bed right now?"
Ritsu wanted to curl up and die. "I-I'm sorry.. I'm just.. I just really love you,"
The kiss was only light and soft but when he lectured him about wanting to kiss with tongue Ritsu could have cried and stupidly gaped when Saga's tongue came crashing through his lips. Their tongues churned around like a washing machine and wet moans filled the air.
It was nice all at the same time. Then once large slender hands dropped to his shirt Ritsu pushed him away.
"W-We can't" He uttered looking away with rosy cheeks.
Saga tilted his head like a puppy. "Why?"
Ritsu's response lacked and Masamune spoke once more. "If you're not ready, it's okay. We don't have to do anything so don't worry."
That wasn't the issue Ritsu actually did want to as embarrassing as the thought of sex was but it was revealing what he was. He loved him, he couldn't judge him and nodded instead.
"There.. There is something you need to know about me.. I-I don't want it to strain what we have.. U-Umm.." Ritsu could feel his gaze burning on to him as he began unbuttoning his baggy shirt. He dropped his shirt but didn't dare look at his boyfriend.
"T-This is what and who I am.. I hope you understand," He whispered.
Sheepishly Ritsu nodded feeling alarmed as his heart raced.
He expected snorts and cruel comebacks but instead all Ritsu got was a soft pat on his head. Looking up his senpai had what looked like a faint smile on his lips and they met his shoulder which rode up to his neck leaving a small imprint of his love there. He allowed Ritsu to touch him too once he was shirtless, hands trailed up and down his strong muscular frame. He had everything he wanted other than his heart and soul. Ritsu enjoyed rubbing his hands up and down his flat chest and pancake stomach very much.
It was until he asked permission if it was okay to slip off his binder. Weakly Ritsu nodded and he slowly took it off while Saga helped him he put it aside then kissed Ritsu once more sweetly on the lips. Looking down at his breasts which were saggy and full of stretch marks from all the years of binding Ritsu met his eyes.
"Is it okay if-" Ritsu made a bold move and placed Saga's hand on one of them.
He was pleased when he got the nipple to harden. Ritsu had never actually masturbated or touched himself properly. He feared he would feel less of a man for doing so and it was as if he were touching someone else. He didn't like that. But with a little confidence and Saga here with him things felt okay.
"I feel safe with you," He said. "I-I'm letting you"
Course Ritsu was allowed to touch him too especially in various areas such as his throbbing member in his briefs. They kissed and felt each other there in his bed peacefully in bliss. Saga didn't frown or show much emotion whatsoever when Ritsu told him he wasn't allowed to penetrate him. Though he did let him slip a finger inside neither or them came and it was okay just to explore each other without sex taking place.
The younger teen cried there that night he was certain he misheard it when his boyfriend said he loved him. But he definitely heard him say his name, that was all he wanted. Someone who was there and accepted him. He held Saga back pressing a tender kiss upon his lips and drifted off into a deep sleep.
But that happiness didn't last for too long.
There was one day after school where Ritsu had happily cuddled up with his boyfriend Saga. He scooted away for a second to look down on him with such joy washing over his face. His bright eyes greener than grass. So beautiful as if he had swollen the sun and had the light shining through them directly at the older boy.
He swept a loose strand behind Saga's head and removed his bangs from his forehead that hid his dark brows. Ritsu preferred seeing his full face he hid it well beneath the hair and couldn't understand why. He relished the feel of it which related somewhere between silk and wool yet so perfectly thick.
He jumped lightly upon his lap both his small legs straddling Saga's lap and kissed the side of his neck gently. Ritsu lay crunched up there for sometime his boyfriend's response was usual silence but he wasn't that impassive as he would rustle the back of Ritsu's head.
Pulling away Ritsu clasped his shirt which was open revealing his breasts although he was still nervous he felt somewhat free around his senpai.
"Saga-senpai" He breathed biting his button lip. "I really, really love you."
Ritsu flustered at his own words but that didn't stop him, he was so happy.
"Do you love me? Senpai.. I-It's because you never say anything and I just wondered if you loved me back?"
Saga sighed looking away and removing his hand from Ritsu who's smiled worn off.
Ritsu never forgot the way his boyfriend turned away and brushed him off. He questioned further and further; never stopped pressing him until he got his answer which was a groan of anger.
"Stop being such a fucking girl about this!"
That was the last straw.
Jumping off the bed Ritsu ignored all the soft apologies and pleas from Saga. He even tried stopping Ritsu by grabbing his arm but was met with a shockingly fierce slap across the face. He cried all the way home in the rain his heart-broken by the one person he thought would never judge him. His heart snapped in two and coated with iron steel over it.
Ritsu moved away to England for studying the rest of that year. Distant, miserable and promised himself one thing.
He would never fall in love ever again.