A/N: I'm currently writing this on Tumblr and decided to post it here. It'll be updated regularly along with my other stories.
"Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you." ― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
November 26, 2013
"You two cannot function as partners. You couldn't do it on this case and people could have died!"
"Hetty, you were the one that told me to go for it with that note!"
"That was to get you to take an understanding of your emotions and learn how to control them."
"So you want me to walk around all day all bottled up, hiding the fact that I have feelings for Kensi?"
"This is why you cannot be partners. This is no longer up for debate. Miss Blye will leave in the morning and you will receive your temporary partner in the morning."
That was two weeks ago.
Hetty had decided to send his partner off to Afghanistan with Granger and Agent Sabatino two weeks ago for classified seven week mission. The blonde haired, once sparkly blue eyed detective believes to this day that she only sent Kensi because he and Kensi had decided to act on their 'thing.' Because of the odds and everything else in life seems to be against him, Deeks only a week and a half with Kensi.
He made mistakes on a case and it all was chalked up to their relationship. Callen and Sam had looked at him like he was the instigator and Kensi as if she was a naïve little girl. Hetty called up Granger almost immediately and handed Kensi over to him as if it were nothing. Deeks had tried everything to stop it from going through, but Kensi told him to let her go and the steps towards a relationship that they had made would be continued after she got back.
That wasn't good enough for him.
In 24 hours, Henrietta Lange had taken the one thing that had pulled him out of his PTSD funk. His sunshine and gunpowder made him breathe, live, laugh- function as a human being. Two weeks without his Fern triggered the end of the facade that he lived off of his entire life.
The facade that showed that he was fine- Marty Andrew Deeks was completely fine and emotionally stable.
In two weeks, Deeks' ability to keep up the façade had crashed. Every emotion from the Sidarov case, his shooting from two years ago, and the cyanide case from his early LAPD days that no one knew on the team knew about came rushing back to him. In two short weeks, his PTSD is eating him alive and he's not sure he has the ability to fight it anymore.
"Deeks, you look like hell."
Not in the mood for a chat, Callen. " I'm fine," Deeks mutters without looking up at the two agents standing in front of his desk. Callen crosses his arms and states, " Deeks, look at us."
Deeks stops in the middle of the sentence he's writing and slowly looks up to Sam and Callen. Both are staring down at him like he's a lost puppy with deep empathy and worry. " I'm fine."
"Kensi's been gone for two weeks. It sucks man," Sam says, "but Hetty did this for the best. You and her were getting two close."
"And seven weeks apart is going to put everything back to normal," Deeks mutters sarcastically. He crosses his arms and leans back in his chair in a challenge to the two agents. The lead agent sighs deeply before glancing over his shoulder to see Hetty watching them intently.
Sam steps in, "With Michelle and I-"
"Sam, I don't want to talk about Kensi," Deeks states. He stands up and starts to make his way around their desks.
"Deeks, she's coming back! You've been moping around here as if she died," Callen exclaims in a piss poor attempt at being 'hard on him for his own good.' "Maybe this should be a permanent thing."
Deeks stops in his tracks and turns back to Callen with his hand shaking. The only thing that stops him from an outburst at Callen is Sam shaking his head in disbelief at his partner. Leaving Sam, who's soon immediately arguing, "Why the hell would you say that?" with Callen; Deeks trudges his way towards the hallway that leads to the shooting range.
The detective passes Hetty's desk without a word or a glance. In his belief, Hetty's violated his trust- She should have known that I'm bloody mess hiding behind a mask. He hasn't spoken to Hetty unless required to in two weeks and he doesn't plan on doing it anytime soon. As he continues on his way, he passes his temporary partner, Special Agent Tara Liam, a Kensi look alike who left a lasting first impression by snorting loudly at the idea that the cop on the team is the equal to the rest of the team.
No doubt Hetty's idea.
In a few minutes, Deeks finds himself alone in the shooting range. He knows that no one's bothered to follow him as being alone has become Deeks' specialty in the past two weeks. After placing his new Smith & Wesson on the shooting bench, he closes his eyes and begins counting to three. At three, he grabs the pistol, clicks off the safety and fires six rounds into the head on the target sheet.
The effort causes him to nearly pass out.
Luckily, Deeks catches himself by grabbing onto the bench to take his weight. He has to wait for his vision to come back to him and ringing to stop bellowing in his ear. He's back into his no sleep, walk around like a zombie cycle again, this time being on his third day without sleep. New to this cycle is not eating- the last meal he can remember was…..
Damn…what WAS the last thing that I ate?
Deeks slowly slides down to the ground with his head against the bench. The logical thing would be to get psychological help, deal with his demons, and be a functioning human being when Kensi returns.
But he's nowhere near logical right now. Not even close.