This is my revenge on my angsty muse for making me write Diamonds. This is also the result of brainstorming over our favorite campus drinks, Freshens smoothies. God bless Freshens. And God bless the power of the AU wackyfic.
And by the way, no, I don't know what kind of money they use in the 70th century. That's why it's AU, eh?
It also seems I couldn't let the fic go without throwing in quotes from Beavis & Butt-head and Family Guy. As your standard disclaimer goes, I don't own nor write for either of these, but if I did, I would die a happy woman.
--Neekachu

Night of the 50 Smoothies

Ru Baraba Dom set down his ornate goblet with a clatter. "Shia Has, what is the Soyokaze up to?" he demanded.

His barely-clad subordinate studied the monitor as their sworn enemy Tylor's ship sailed towards a random United Planet, definitely breaking off from the front lines of battle. "They're retreating, sir!" she answered. "If our enemy is weak, then we are weak! Captain Dom, we must correct this!"

"Can the flair, Shia Has," Dom said. "They must be taking a shore leave. But Tylor's such a genius.. he'll probably come up with some plot while they're supposed to be on vacation. Yes, I have underestimated this man too many times, and I must watch him closely and everything..." He trailed off, talking to himself.

"Now who's lost in flair?" Shia mumbled, taking the commands, as usual.

Meanwhile, the crew of the Soyokaze landed and exited their decrepit but beloved ship. They squabbled for several minutes on where to go, and Tylor announced that he knew of the perfect place to go. Being that, for some reason, they always blindly followed the 20-year-old hermit, they all walked down the street until Justy Ueki Tylor paused and smiled up at a huge building.

"Captain?" Lieutenant Yamamoto questioned. "Why have you stopped?"

"Because we're here," Tylor answered. "This is the mall I wanted to visit."

"The mall!?" repeated the studly lieutenant. "Captain, isn't this a waste of time?"

"Eeeee!" Kyung-Hwa Kim pushed past everyone and glomped Tylor. "You know just how to please your crew!"

Emi and Yumi jumped up and down, clapping. "Let's buy Kojiro something pretty!"

"Oh no, you don't!" the shoot-down king raced inside, leaving a dust trail behind him. Cryburn and the rest of the marines laughed heartily.

"What should we do first?" Tylor asked, looking around inside.

"I've never seen such a thing," Harumi remarked. "Maybe I should take some notes for.. er.. um, I'm not a spy!" She looked around furtively, distracting everyone with a toss of her hair, so they forgot she was speaking at all.

"You can come with me." Kim grabbed her hand. "You'll love some of these stores." They took off together.

"Yeah, good idea." Tylor grinned and started to follow, but Yuriko grabbed his ear. "I don't think so, Captain," she said.

"Oh, Yuriko doesn't want me to follow those two." Tylor slithered up to her.

"Don't be ridiculous!" Yuriko said. "You know what? Never mind. It's shore leave. I'm just going to... go this way." She left hurriedly, faster even than Yamamoto could offer to go with her.

They all split up, and soon enough, defying all laws of space travel, Dom and Shia Has were standing in the very spot they had been. "What is this horrible place?" Shia asked. "It smells like humans. And it's loud and gaudy."

"Just like you," Dom mumbled under his breath. "Let's split up and find Tylor. Then we'll kill him."

"Don't you mean capture him as a prisoner for her Highness?" Shia corrected.

"Whatever comes first," Dom said. "Don't let yourself get distracted. Remember the mission."

"Yes, of course." Shia saluted, and a Raalgon salute only accentuated her ample chest. She walked off, boots clicking and front bouncing. Dom looked around, wondering where to start.

Yamamoto's crewmembers had all wandered off before he could calculate where everyone was going, and he was most confused. Now he had to wander this mall place alone. He found himself in a bookstore, and he saw the marines each reading something.

"What are you guys reading?" he asked them.

"I found this!" Cryburn held up a book called Your Pink Mech and You. Yamamoto raised an eyebrow, but then noticed what some of the others were reading. Andressen had The Official Hello Kitty Episode Guide, and Charly was flipping through Explosives in Your Very Own Kitchen. The others were all sitting around the coffee tables.

"Want a cappuchino, Mr. Yamamoto?" Bunta asked suavely, sipping his drink.

"It's good with cinnamon on top." Yamada shook some spice on top his frothy drink with a meaty hand.

"Ah.. no, that's okay," Yamamoto said, backing away from the scene. He bumped into Jason. "Oh, excuse me.." the lieutenant said.

"You.. you almost made me spill my latte," Jason mumbled from behind his hockey mask.

"Oh... terribly sorry." Yamamoto left the bookstore quickly, not wanting to arouse Jason's wrath. Today was Friday, after all.

Meanwhile, Dom had wandered into the food court. Tylor was a slovenly sort of man; surely he was growing fat with third-rate food offered at this.. this place. Dom could smell it, and it repulsed him. He looked around from stand to stand, and he gasped. There was Tylor, working at one of the places! What a cover! Trying to earn money on the side while on shore leave. Only Tylor. Dom stood in line, waiting his turn to approach the counter and capture the young captain. He ignored the teenagers who snickered at his cape.

"What can I get you?" the brown-haired boy asked when the intimidating Raalgon approached the counter.

"You.. you're not Tylor!" Dom exclaimed.

"Afraid not. Would you like to try a pineapple paradise smoothie?"

"A what?"

"Here, try your first free," said the kid. Dom watched with interest as he poured some juice into a blender, followed by ladles of fruit, topped with ice. He blended it all and poured it into a cup, which he handed to Dom. "Enjoy," he said, and went to see to the next customer.

Dom walked away a little perplexed, not to mention annoyed that he failed to recognize Tylor from a distance. He glanced at the cold drink in his hand. "Well, it was free," he told himself. He took a cautious sip from the clear straw. It was sweet, fruity, and delightfully chilly. Not a total waste of time after all. Dom continued strolling through the mall.

If Shia Has noticed legions of men leering and women sneering at her, she didn't say anything. She was too busy studying this mall structure, wondering which of the shops would hold Tylor's attention the most. An idle gaze led her to a large room at the end of a corridor, where loud noises and music accompanied by flashing lights of many colors originated. Yes, this chaos would certainly lure Tylor. Shia smirked with satisfaction and approached.

There were small stations with flickering screens, and children transfixed by them. Most of the miniature humans were screaming in excitement. One ran past Shia, waving a string of paper tickets. Some were removing gold-colored coins from a machine, which, Shia noticed, despensed them in exchange for paper currency.

And, most awesome and terrifying of them all, Shia's pointed ears picked up a steady rhythm, a melodic voice, and the sound of tromping feet. She followed the sound to a game in the center of the arcade. To her utmost surprise, she recognized one of the crewmembers of Tylor's Soyokaze jumping around on the platform, which lit up alternately in pink and blue. The short-haired woman cursed, and the handsome blond man watching her laughed.

"That's not funny, Katori!" protested the woman. "This is harder than it looks! You try!"

"I don't think so, Kim," he said. "I'd much rather watch you."

"You there!" Shia called out to them. They gasped as she came towards them. No doubt she would want to know where to find Captain Tylor.

Dr. Kitaguchi was humming as he window-shopped. "Everyone thinks I must be at the liquor store by now," he said. "Joke's on them! I'm going to get a giant cookie and head to the Christmas shop." He laughed proudly and hiccuped. Luckily he'd had a big bottle of sake before they landed.

Yamamoto continued his stroll down the mall, looking for any one of his crewmembers by now so he wouldn't have to be left alone in this chaos. "This is ridiculous," he mumbled, pausing for a moment. "Now, think. If I were anyone, where would I go?" But this left him more perplexed than normal.

"Lieutenant! I'm glad you're here!" someone called. Bounding around from behind him was Harumi. "You can help me!" she said. "Lieutenant Kim just kind of left me here... she found something she wanted to do. But I need some imput, because.. I've.. um, never done this sort of thing before."

Yamamoto just stared at her as if she weren't human. Harumi blushed. "Just come into the store with me, okay?" she asked, pulling on his hand. He agreed, out of duty to assist a crewmember. Unfortunately, he failed to notice that she was leading him through racks stocked with women's undergarments.

Harumi stopped. "Stay here," she instructed. "I'll be right back." She bounded into a curtained-off room. Yamamoto waited diligently. "Well, then," he said to himself. He glanced around. Something was different about this shop.. something... very feminine.

Harumi pulled back the curtain and stood at the room's entrance. "What do you think?" she asked. She was wearing nothing but undergarments.

Yamamoto's eyes bulged out of his head. "H-H-H-Harumi!" he gasped. "What are you doing?"

"Does this seem to fit okay? Is the color right? Lieutenant Kim left me, and I'm a poor judge of these things on my own." The shapely nurse pouted.

"I.. I don't think I'm the one you should be asking!" Yamamoto clapped a hand over his eyes immediately.

"But.. how will I know if it looks right?"

"I don't know! Please excuse me, Harumi!" Yamamoto turned and bolted, but as his eyes were still covered, he ran into a rack of bras. One was attached to his head still as he left the store.

"Hey," the brown-haired teenager at the smoothie stand said to the tall, pale, darkly-clad customer. "Weren't you just here? I gave you a free smoothie?"

Dom glanced about innocently. "Perhaps. I've come to, ah, try another flavor. Investigation."

The kid raised an eyebrow. "Might I recommend a strawberry sunrise?"

"Yes, you may." Dom watched rather eagerly as he made the drink. It was a fascinating process, really. The teenager held it out, but before Dom could grab it, he said, "That'll be $3.25."

"Three twenty-five what?" Dom asked.

"Three dollars and twenty-five cents? This one's not free, sir."

Dom blinked. He had to have it.. it was already made and everything.. not buying it would mean it would be thrown away. "I... here, I'll give you this." He handed him a Raalgon coin.

"What's this?" He bit it. "Is it gold?"

"Uh.. yeah," said Dom. He leaned over the counter and claimed his smoothie.

"Do you know how many smoothies you could get for this?" the kid asked.

Dom raised an eyebrow, intrigued.

After removing all bits of visible underwear from himself, Yamamoto resolved to look for his shipmates somewhere more crowded and clothed. He wandered into an area at the end of a hall.. loud, colorful, lively... surely the captain would be here, and Yamamoto could finally begin to round up the rest of the Soyokaze crew and leave this awful place.

Children shrieked and darted past Yamamoto. He looked around frantically for Tylor, but saw Kim and Katori first, and approached them. "Have either of you seen anyone else?" he asked. "I think shore leave should end.. end..." He picked the wrong time to trail off. He'd also failed to notice the game beside his the two lieutenants. Music came from it, a tantric beat. Lights mounted around the screen flashed. And dancing upon the platform before it was a barely-clad and rhythm-inclined Shia Has. Her tongue protruded just slightly from her lips as she squinted at the screen, deep in concentration.

Yamamoto had stopped forming words entirely. "She's good, huh?" Katori commented. "A real natural."

"Yeah," Kim followed up. "I sure wish I was as talented as she is."

Shia bounced, but the weight of her chest didn't seem to slow her down. Rather, it gave her a little more bounce, propelling her into the beat. When the song ended, she sighed with relief, wiping the sweat from her bright red brow. "That was fun," she said, turning around. "Thanks for letting me play."

"I have to go!" Yamamoto blurted out, saluting awkwardly and shuffling away from the arcade stiffly. Shia just then noticed him, wondering why he didn't want to stay for an encore performance.

Kojiro, with the high score at a shooting game in a far corner of the arcade, saw the lieutenant leaving and shook his head. Staring at that Raalgon woman. He thought Yamamoto was better than that.

"That game looks like fun!" Yumi exclaimed, distracted finally from Kojiro's scores.

"I wanna play too!" Emi declared. They each grabbed one of Kojiro's elbows. "Come play with us, Mr. Kojiro!" they chanted.

Dom should have been feeling sick. But his perfect Raalgon physique was built for the healthy, fruity drinks. As he stood in line for another helping, he couldn't help but to bounce in place. He also noticed that he wasn't blinking. And everything seemed to be funny.

Yamamoto was holding a napkin to his nose. A nosebleed. He had a nosebleed. He felt disgraced, and was grateful for the fact that it was shore leave time. He wouldn't have to report this. He walked along idly, trying to forget the attractive enemy woman, that dancing game, the amused looks from Katori and Kim. In his concentration, he didn't really notice where he was going. He just knew he was walking into a store to escape the general crowd, to clear his head. The thrashy electronica music went in one ear and out the other without a thought. He didn't see any of the heavily made-up teenagers in their dark vinyl clothing staring at him curiously.

"Lieutenant Yamamoto!" he heard from behind him. Commander Star! At last, a shread of sanity, and a voice of reason! He had never been happier to know she was near.

"I'm glad you're here," she said. "You can give me some input."

Yamamoto turned around gratefully. "Of course, Commander," he said. "Anything for--" He lost all sense of speech, however, when he saw Yuriko in a tight, shiny, black corset.

"I'm thinking of getting it," she said. "I don't get that many things for myself, you know. Do you think it will keep the captain in line?" She picked up a whip hanging on the wall beside her and slapped it against her vinyl-gloved hand. Yamamoto's napkin became considerably soaked in blood.

"I wonder why I haven't seen anyone yet," Tylor said to himself as he strolled at a leisurely pace, his hands in the pockets of his long, brown coat. "They must be having fun all over the place. Exactly what this trip was for." He smiled at himself, glad his plan worked.

"Oh," he said as he recognized someone approaching him. The dark cape, the curly maroon hair.. what was he doing here? "Captain Dom!" Tylor greeted cheerfully. "What a surprise running into you here! Do Raalgon vacation on enemy planets? I didn't know that!"

Dom stopped a couple of feet in front of him. He looked strange, possessed somehow. His eyes widened, and he pointed at Tylor. "You!" he cried. "Are you threatening me!?" His voice was high-pitched and strange.

"Captain Dom, are you feeling all right?" Tylor asked. "What's that you're drinking?"

"You won't take it from me, Tylor!" Dom hid the cup under his cape. "Ha, try and find it!"

"Um.." Tylor said. "Maybe I'd better not..."

"RAAAHAHAHAHAAHAA!" Dom started turning around in little circles. Tylor backed away slowly.

"Mr. Tylor!" The Hanner twins ran to the captain, followed by Kojiro, Kim, Katori, and Dom's second-in-command, the ever-impressive Shia Has. "Have you had a good time, Mr. Tylor?" Emi asked.

"Oh, I can't complain," Tylor said. "Except that I haven't had anyone to hang around with.. unless you count Captain Dom here." He thumbed the Raalgon man, who had unclasped his cape and lifted it over his head, so that only his face showed. "All your smoothies are belong to me!" he shouted.

"Captain?" Shia asked. "You've been poisoned!" She grabbed Tylor's collar. "You! What did you give him?" The members of Tylor's crew gasped.

"I didn't do anything, I swear!" Tylor pleaded.

"Shia Has!" Dom shrieked. "I order you to try an Earthling smoothie! Now!" He laughed maniacally.

The red-haired woman released Tylor. "What is this smoothie? Captain Dom, what have they done to you?"

"Mwahahahaha! Do not underestimate the power of the almighty smoothie!" Dom continued dancing in circles.

Shia's eyebrow twitched. "I should've guessed. Smoothies are alcoholic, aren't they?" She shrugged. "Ah well, maybe it'll give me more time to practice that dancing game."

"You can teach us to dance like you!" Yumi piped up.

"Maybe if we dressed like you!" Emi added. "Right, Mr. Kojiro?"

"I think I need a few of those smoothie things," Kojiro muttered.

Just then Yamamoto tromped by, looking pale and walking awkwardly. "Hey, Mr. Yamamoto!" Tylor greeted him. "What's the matter?"

"Harumi.." he was mumbling to himself. "Commander Star.. Raalgon woman... must.. save.. dignity..."

"Hmm?" Shia Has wondered. She stood in his path. "What are you talking about me for? What was wrong with my dancing?"

He stared down at her, gulped loudly, and hurried off.

Tylor smirked. "I bet I know what's on his mind. Hey, I wonder where Yuriko is? I should go look for her."

Dom's cape was still pulled over his head. "I am Captain Smoothie! Fear the awesome power of herbal suppliments!" He waved his arms around and went "a-zip-zop-zubbity-bop!"

"You know, I thought this was a simple trip to the mall," Katori commented. "Not hot Raalgon captains never shut the hell up!"

"Ooooo." Kim giggled and poked him.

Dom bounced up and down. "Blah rah papa Paco-Pacoholio!"