Just For A little While
It's winter nights that get his heart aching all over again. It's nights in a cold bed, in another random motel room beside another woman that make him feel like his life has no direction anymore. So, he sits and writes, pours his heart out against paper and watches his pen run across the pages as if it's on fire.
He writes to her, scribbling some of the words out because things like "I love you and I miss you." Will never reach her anymore. She's gone, he knows. He's known for a long time, that she hasn't been the one for him and he hasn't been the one she used to love and dream about. Yet, he tries to convince himself that maybe just a few words tonight will help sooth the aching feeling of being lonely and the hurt he feels because deep down, in his own heart- he's missed her ever since he had left.
He pauses, looking back at the woman who's bunching up the sheets that they had slept together on in her hands, fisting them in between her fingers as she dreams, probably about another man- someone who will never be him...Someone like his brother.
"Do you think she knows?" He hears her ask, when he turns around to face her- that same shade of dark brown hair flashes in front of his eyes, her dark brown eyes meet his and Stefan curses himself for thinking about his lost love, Elena in the moment when he's looking at the woman who looks just like her.
"I don't know. It's been months since we've been back home, I hope she would know..But, I'm pretty sure that none of my letters have reached her." He tells her, hearing Katherine laugh as she gets up and drags the mocha colored sheets with her when she gets up off the bed, covering her naked body and heading into the bathroom.
"Letters? You're so old fashioned. Why couldn't you have sent her a text or called her?" It's strange, she thinks to talk about the doppleganger that has his heart, because she had always thought that she'd be the one in her place. But, they're in this together now and since they left Mystic Falls a few months ago. Both of them had found a solace in each other- an understanding. So, to Katherine- it had all come full circle, the fine line between love and hate that they share for each other, in the last few months that they had spent together, had been dissolved and within that time, they had formed a friendship of sorts.
"We left because we had too, Stefan. Elena knows that..So, does Damon. Silas was going to kill us all, he was going to kill me and probably torture you until you went crazy. You needed to be set free and regain who you were and I...I needed to be as far away from him as I could- even if it meant leaving, Damon. So, our relationship isn't so odd...You and I have an understanding, we always have..." Her voice trailed off as Stefan got up from the chair he was sitting in. They had found each other once again, in a motel room that was on a dirt path, in the middle of nowhere- both suffering from being homesick and from having their hearts broken, they spent their sleepless nights, talking about the two people that had claimed their hearts, long ago. And talking about all the things that Katherine had regretted. Hurting him and his brother being one of the major things.
"When I look at you, I see her." Stefan told her, shamefully. There was something about saying the words out loud to Katherine after sleeping with her and using her in the way that he had- that didn't feel right. However, it was part of their agreement. They'd use each other, just to relieve the pain that had been eating away at them for so long. They'd use each other because it was better than being completely and utterly, alone.
"I know." Katherine said in a soft tone. She wasn't one for being sentimental or showing her feelings around anyone. But, there was something about Stefan that allowed her to break down a few walls, to feel even more human than she had been feeling in the last few months.
"It isn't fair to you, Katherine. I love her and I'm sleeping with you. How is that even fair? How is that okay!" Stefan nearly shouted, stepping towards her as she lifted up her hand, he watched the sheets fall from her body- exposing her olive colored skin when she lifted her hand and placed it on to his cheek.
"Because, I'm going to die soon. So be with me, like you would with her..Stefan...Please...Just this once." Katherine suddenly said, seeing the torment in his eyes at the fact that the newly human Katherine was pleading with him, to just love her in any way that he could- just for a little while, even if it meant pretending to be Elena.
"I can't do that, you and I both know that it's not right... I love her and you love him. I'm never going to love you or look at you like I love or look at her." Stefan said, swallowing the lump in his throat as his hand stroked her collar bone and she closed her eyes gently.
"You need to be freed from being a prisoner of your own mind, Stefan and I'm here. Let me help you." She begged him as he inhale sharply and took a step back, placing his hands over his chest and looking down as Katherine picked up one of his t-shirts from last night that was scattered on the floor, pulling it over her body.
"I can't do this with you right now, Katherine. I can't be-." He began to say as Katherine glanced up at him and exhaled out a heavy sigh.
"Stop avoiding me. You don't think that I know what you're doing? You stay up late at night, writing to her. You write letters to her as if she'll ever read them, as if she will ever even see them. Stop avoiding me because I look like her, Stefan. Elena's never coming back and I'm dying. I have a few more months to live in this world and all I want is for you to stop looking at me, like I'm her! Elena left you, Stefan and I'm sorry that she did. But, you need to move on, you need to love again and realize that she choose him...The love of my life, choose the love of yours. Leaving us, with nothing." Katherine screamed at him, tears streaming down her face as she began to cry and Stefan spun around. He hated it, watching her heart hurt for his brother and was hurting for him when he loved another woman- even if that other woman, didn't love him any longer.
"I'm sorry." He told her in a sympathetic tone, stepping in front of her and pulling her against his chest as he kissed her temple, feeling her arms wrap around him when she whispered into his ear. "Love me, Stefan. Just...this one time, pick me...Is it really that much to ask for?"
Her question rang through his ears as he stepped away from her and placed his hands on to each side of her face, his thumbs caressing her soft and dampened cheeks. "I'm sorry, for everything I did to you. I'm sorry for loving him first and for stringing you both along. I just, I didn't know it back then..But, you were the better choice. Although, my heart had already belonged to him...If I could do it all over again, I would have picked you."
Stefan nodded. It was the first time that Katherine had ever uttered any form of sympathy for what she had put him and Damon through in 1864, what she had been putting them through for centuries. And, it was the first time in Katherine's existence that she had admitted to him that she truly would have choose him.
"I am too. I'm sorry that your dying." He told her, his green eyes locked on to her tearful brown gaze as she nodded.
"I guess that's it. I'm making my amends, or attempting to. And,you've made up your mind. I'm an idiot for thinking that for once in my long existence that you'd pick me over her, even if I do have a few more months to live. I get it, your soul mates and-." Katherine began to say as she took a step back and shrugged her shoulders back, turning away from him for a brief moment, picking up her scattered clothing- preparing to leave.
"I don't want you to go, Katherine. I want you to stay." Stefan confessed as he watched her eyes lock on to his face and her mouth curled into a slight smile.
"But, you just said.." Her voice trailed off as Stefan placed his hands on to her arms and glanced at her, their faces just inches apart when he said. "I know what I said and I know that you and I have hurt each other over and over again. But, right now. You and I only have each other now and as much as you need and want me at the moment as someone who can heal your pain and suffering. I need you and want you even more as a friend. I want you to help me overcome the traumatic things I went through, I need you to help me, because you're the only one who can. Oddly enough, you are the only person that I trust."
"So, what is that you really want Katherine Pierce?" Stefan asked her, watching as she tilted her head to the side, tears streaming down her face as she inhaled deeply and softly replied. "I want you to love me, like you love Elena, even if it is just for a little while. I want you to look at me, like you look at her...Please, Stefan..It's my dying wish. Because, we're two broken souls, looking for that piece of ourselves that is missing and, I think that we can find that part of us, within each other, before it's too late for us and for me."
A/N: I really have no idea what this even is.. I wrote it out just completely randomly. But, hopefully it wasn't that bad of a read and that some of you found it interesting! :)
Thanks so much for reading.