Hi! I'm sorry it took me so long to update! It seems I don't have the time! The next one is a short chapter... I know there's not so much happening in it, but I wanted to give you something, after such a long time without updating. I promise the pace will be speeding up in the next chapters.
There's only one song in this chapter. I'm sure a lot of you will think it is a strange song to put in that determined scene, but for me it is simply a song that makes me think. It's A design for life, from Manic Street Preaches. I hope you like it.
Finally, thanks to Ladybellatrix and to all of you who show me your support.
"Fucking shit!" Christian growled, pacing back and forth through the room. "This can't be happening…" He covered his eyes with his hands, pressing hard. "I'm sure I have some kind of disability. A normal person could manage this situation, but not me. I cant. I'm not normal. Maybe it's something to do with my genes. Is it possible?" Christian looked at Flynn with pleading eyes. Flynn was staring at him open-mouthed, speechless for once in his life. He shrugged and a strange sound came from his mouth, which pretended to be a word but it was more like a grunt. He cleared his throat in an attempt to begin talking, but Christian resumed his speech again.
"And now I'm here, having left her all alone at Escala. I couldn't face her and left a note telling her I had an early appointment at work. I'm a loser. I'm a coward. I don't deserve her." Christian finally sat down, looking completely dismayed and lost, with his elbows propped on his thighs and his head between his hands.
Flynn sighed heavily. Christian finally had ended his rambling. He looked exhausted and lost. But at least it was the time he had spoken the most non-stop, even taking into account the times he had talked about that girl of the radio.
"Ok, Christian. First of all, try to calm yourself, otherwise you'll have a panic attack. And second… I don't have any idea who you are talking about. Who is she?" Flynn's words were firm but calm.
"She is Ana." Christian mumbled still looking at his knees.
"Ok. Who is Ana, then?"
"You would know if you had not buggered off to that never ending convention in London!" Christian yelled like a sulking teenager, lifting his stare and gesturing dramatically with both hands.
"Look, Christian. It's seven in the morning on a lovely Saturday. I could be sleeping with my beautiful wife and sharing breakfast with her and my children, but I'm here with you."
"I pay you well enough!" Christian straightened in his seat.
"Ok, here it is the Christian Grey that I know." Flynn said with a smirk.
Christian smiled and leaned his back on the chair, sighing heavily. "I'm sorry, John." He finally said.
"You don't have to apologize; you seem very stressed. But I need some more information to help you in any way. So… this Ana, is she the girl from that photo at the club?" Christian lifted a questioning brow. "I saw it on television." Flynn explained.
"Yes." Christian leaned his right elbow on the armrest and took his chin between his thumb and index finger.
"How did you meet?" Flynn asked.
"She is Midnight Sun. And she is also Annie." Christian answered with a lost look in his eyes.
"What?" Flynn couldn't believe Christian's words.
"Yes; I felt it from the very beginning, but it was too good to be real, right?" Christian said standing up again. "She felt it too. She has been thinking about me all these years too. Can you believe it?" Christian turned on his heels to face his psychiatrist. "I couldn't, but it is true. She is perfect: beautiful, kind, intelligent, sexy, passionate… Perfect. And I can't cope with it. I'm going to fuck it all up, I know it."
"Christian, slow down and take a seat, please." Christian sat down again and Flynn sighed heavily, rubbing his face. "Let's start from the beginning. How did you two meet? I have been away only for a month."
"Ok… We decided to finally meet and know each other after the WSU Graduation ceremony. I was giving the diplomas and she was graduating, so… it was a perfect timing." Christian explained.
"How did you feel? I suppose it was a great step for you."
"Yes, it was. But I needed to do it. I was feeling it was the right thing to do; otherwise I could possibly miss the opportunity of my life. And she also was really eager to meet me."
"Well done, Christian. It was a really big step. And how did you envision your relationship?"
"I was not sure, but I didn't feel her as a possible submissive." Christian said shrugging.
"Ok. Continue, please." Flynn wrote something in his notebook.
"In the end, we didn't meet that day. I waited for her for hours, but she didn't come. My heart shattered into a million pieces." Flynn narrowed his eyes at Christian. "Yes, the heart I have told you a million times that I don't have." He smiled sadly. "I felt betrayed, even physically sick. I was extremely sad."
"And what did you do?"
"I wrote her a letter telling her it was over." Christian kept silent for a moment. "It was a very harsh letter. Then, I gloated over my own sadness. I barked at everyone at work, I drank too much. I promised myself that it won't happen again."
"What?" Flynn asked.
"Opening up and letting anyone into my life again. I was devastated."
"I asked Elena to find me another submissive. I had to regain control in some way."
There was a moment of silence before Flynn resumed their conversation.
"Do you know why did she didn't come that day?"
"Yes, of course. His father was involved in a terrible car accident that day. He had to go surgery. She missed her graduation."
"Is he well now?" Flynn asked concerned.
"Yes, he is doing well. He is a strong man. Ex-military." Christian looked at Flynn with a raised brow and the doctor answered with a knowing smirk.
"Ok. Tell me more. How did she react?" Flynn asked while writing more on his notebook.
"Well, she was devastated too. Besides, reading that letter I wrote to her, she found out I was the man she had met in the piano shop six years ago. She told me she was that girl, and that she had not forgotten me."
"And then, did you two finally meet?"
"I didn't listen to that program." Christian said sighing. "I was really mad at her; I didn't want to hear from her, it was so painful."
"So… what happened then?" Flynn was furiously writing.
"Some days after, I heard her singing on a local radio show with her usual pen name. It was a really thoughtful song."
"Here, in Seattle?" Christian nodded. "Well, she was trying to reach to you." Flynn told.
"Yes, she was. She is an incredible woman, John. She never gives up."
"Good quality in a person."
"After this, I decided to listen to her last program. She apologized over and over again. She was so sad... And then I found out." Christian gulped heavily. "It had been her, all the time. I had felt it, but it couldn't be real, could it?" He looked at Flynn with glistening eyes, smiling. "It was a shock for my system. I was terrified I was losing her again. My mind went blank trying to find a way to reach her. I fell to the floor and I stood up hours after, when my brother came to check on me."
"Yes. I told him everything, and he said he would help me."
"Wow, Christian, I'm in awe of you. You are making a lot of progress with your trust issues!"
"It is thanks to Ana."
"Well, what happened then?"
"That night, I went to the Coping Together ball. I was talking to Elena, trying to tell her that it had been a mistake to ask her for another submissive, when Elliot came and urged me to go to the canopy. He didn't tell me what was going on, but I didn't hesitate to follow him." Christian sighed. "And then I listened to her beautiful voice." He closed his eyes, remembering that moment.
"Did Elliot know Ana?" Flynn asked intrigued.
"It's a small world." Christian chuckled. "The fact is that Elliot is in a relationship with the student that interviewed me for the WSU newspaper, and Ana was her roommate and her best friend. She and Elliot knew each other some weeks ago and got along very well… well, it is impossible not to get along with Ana. She is the sweetest thing."
"Well, yes. It's a small world indeed." Flynn asserted. "So, did you two meet, then?"
"I walked towards her as if hypnotized, and when she locked eyes with me I felt it."
"You… felt it?" Flynn asked, already knowing what the answer was.
"Yes." Christian breathed. "She is an angel, John. She has that creamy porcelain skin, so soft and flawless. And that silky hair. Those bottomless eyes, the bluest I have never seen. I got lost in her eyes, and she got lost in mine." Christian gulped. "She was a girl when we first met, but now… she definitely is a real woman."
"I imagine that…" Flynn said smiling.
"Well, it was as if we were alone in the room until we realized everyone in the canopy was staring at us. It was then when we realized who really was the other one, I mean, me the Christian Grey," Christian air-quoted the words "and she Anastasia Steele, roommate of Katherine Kavanagh."
"Oh, Christian, I would have loved being there!" Flynn joked. "What happened then? It was a week ago."
"We had a brief talk, but there was so much to say. She had to go back to the stage as she was one of the musicians. When the party ended, I had to give some explanations to my family. Then, I went to her apartment. We talked long… and we haven't separated since then."
"Did you only 'talk' that night?" Flynn asked.
"No, John. The fact is that we have a very strong sexual attraction. She is the most beautiful and sexiest woman I have ever seen. And she makes me feel… more. It is almost overwhelming." Christian answered running both hands through his hair.
"More?" Flynn interjected.
"More. More of everything." Christian answered noticing his heart pounding in his chest.
"More." Flynn repeated. "Can I ask you how you have managed your haphephobia?"
"She can touch me." Flynn couldn't hide his surprise. "I know, it's crazy, but she can touch me. She guessed before telling her I had some touching issues; I think she can read me like an open book. But I let her touch me. I craved her touch; it's healing." Christian sighed heavily. "I told her everything that night; about my birth mother, about Elena, about my submissive's. And she chose me anyway. She is an amazing woman."
"Well, I can tell, having listened to the radio programs as you asked me, that she seems to know you really well." Flynn said crossing his hands on his lap. "So, are you in a relationship?"
"Yes, we definitely are. She met my parents, and I'm going to meet her father today. My father was rude with her, but she didn't mind at all. She always sees the right side of every situation. She is incredible." Christian smiled. "She has been in Escala with me all week, because Kate is in Barbados with Elliot and I didn't want her to be all alone by herself. It has been the best week of my entire life. I feel alive. It's a very strange feeling, because I feel vulnerable but strong with her, all at the same time. And now…" Christian pulled at his hair with both hands, "now maybe it's all fucked up. I know I don't deserve her, but I can't live without her now. She's like a drug."
"What's happened?" Flynn asked writing some notes.
"Yesterday she told me… she loved me." Christian looked at Flynn with a pained look. "It can't be possible, can it? I'm not worthy of her love."
"Christian, this is something she has the right to choose. She has chosen to love you. You can accept it, or not. What are your feelings about her?"
Christian closed his eyes and tried to steady his erratic breathing. He gulped and licked his dry lips.
"Christian, are you ok?" Flynn asked concerned.
"I… love her." He opened his eyes, his expression showing a mixture of fear and resolution. "I love her with all my strength. I love her with every fiber of my being. I love her so much that it hurts." He let out the breath he was holding. "It's so scary… something is wrong with me. Ana says there isn't, but she is too kind to see the bad in me."
"How did you felt when she told you?"
"I was scared to the bone, but at the same time it felt so good."
"So, she told you the L word and you…" Flynn asked.
"I was petrified. We had had a fight yesterday evening and I kind of lost control in our making up…" Christian glanced at Flynn and he answered with a knowing look. "I woke up in the middle of the night and she was not in bed. Although she told me she had enjoyed it and we already had told about some issues, I freaked out and ran to find her in the kitchen with her guitar. I was relieved because the first thing that I thought was that she had left me." Flynn sighed, moving his head in denial. "And then she said this. And I couldn't answer." He took his head between his hands.
"And what did she do?"
"Typical Ana; she told me not to worry, that I didn't have to say anything. 'I know how you feel' she told me."
"This Ana of yours, Christian, is a very brave woman." Flynn answered with a smile. "Why don't you do what she told you? You do love her, and she knows it. You need time, and she knows it. I think she will wait for you to tell her when you are ready."
"Do you think so?" Christian asked with pleading eyes.
"I'm positively sure." They stood up for leaving when Flynn said something more. "Oh, and Christian, I'm dying to know this lovely lady."
_§ § 0 § §_
Ana stirred her tea mindlessly while leaning in the stool bar of the kitchen. She looked at the clock hung on one of the walls and sighed. It was eight o'clock in the morning. Christian had left without a word, without a good-bye kiss. Nothing. She had woken up feeling the cold sheets beside her instead of his warm and strong body, usually wrapped around her like a shield. She loved that sensation of protection; she felt cherished and loved.
Love… what a word. She loved him. She surely loved him since the day he looked at her with those stormy eyes, so sad and so beautiful. Nevertheless, telling him had probably been a huge mistake. She and her smart and big mouth… again. She couldn't forget his face when she told him, showing a myriad of feelings at once; fear, uncertainty, loss, hope, gratitude. She could feel his love. She didn't need him to tell, but now she regretted that with her words she might scare him or somehow force him to do something he was not prepared to.
Taylor entered in the kitchen announcing Dr Greene's arrival. Ana groaned inwardly and thanked Taylor. Christian had informed her in the neat note left on his pillow that morning of his early morning impromptu work appointment and also of a programmed visit with some Dr Greene, the best Gynaecologist in town. She took a heavy breath and went to the main room.
Dr Greene was an elegant woman in her early forties, with a perfect coiffed blond bob, smart eyes and a warm smile. Ana could feel the woman's strength and determination in the firm shake of her hand. She liked her immediately.
The doctor questioned Ana exhaustively about her medical, gynaecological and sexual history. After this, Ana explained to her the 'accident' of the evening before and questioned the doctor about the need of taking an emergency contraceptive pill. Dr Greene explained her it was not necessary because she was in the fourth day of her menstrual cycle and the ovulation won't occur until ten days after, as her cycles were very regular. That with the fact that the ejaculation took place outside her vagina, made the probability of getting pregnant very low. Then, she explained her different contraceptive options. They consensually decided that a progestogen-only injectable contraceptive was the best choice and Dr. Greene administered it on the spot.
"You know you are not protected from sexually transmitted diseases like HIV, herpes virus or syphilis, don't you?" Dr Greene asked Ana just after administering the shot on her left gluteus.
"Ummmm, yes, I'm aware of that." Ana muttered while buttoning her jeans.
"Ana, you have told me about your sexual history, but do you know about your partner's? It's not a matter of distrust, it's only about your health; both of you. You might think about doing some analysis." The doctor said, matter-of-factly.
"I'll think about it and I'll talk with him, Dr Greene." Ana answered with a look of disbelief.
"Ok, this will be all. The shot will be effective today because you are still in the first stage of the follicular phase of your menstrual cycle, so you don't need to use any complimentary barrier contraception. Anyway, think about what I've told you." Dr Greene raised her brows. "If you don't need me before, we will meet again in twelve weeks for the next shot."
"Thank you for your help, Dr Greene." Ana said shaking her hand again.
Taylor appeared from nowhere and saw Dr Greene to the door. Ana sat on the couch of the main room and kept silent thinking about how to deal with the tricky situation she had gotten herself into. She didn't want to lose Christian; she could not afford it. Sighing heavily, with a heavy load in her chest, she stood up and went to the bedroom. Once there, she switched on her iPod and put on the headphones, inhaling Christian's scent from the sheets next to her. The notes of a very familiar song echoed in her head. It was a song she used to listen to think things over, to see problems with another perspective. Was that the right moment for Christian to really open up to her, or had she simply rushed things taking them to a point of no return? Was he ready to really change his strictly structured life?
Libraries gave us power
Then work came and made us free
What price now for a shallow piece of dignity
I wish I had a bottle
Right here in my dirty face to wear the scars
To show from where I came
We don't talk about love we only want to get drunk
And we are not allowed to spend
As we are told that this is the end
A design for life (x4)
_§ § 0 § §_
When Christian arrived at Escala, he was feeling a bit calmer, but he needed to see Ana, to hold her, to feel her. He entered in the foyer and went directly to the main room, then to the kitchen, but she was not there. He called her named repeatedly, but she didn't answer. Terrified, he rushed to the bedroom to find her clung to one of his t-shirts, sleeping soundly with the headphones of her iPod on her ears. He whimpered leaning against the wall, relief washing over him at the sight of Anastasia. His heart was beating forcefully as if it were about to break through his chest. He sat beside her taking away the headphones and caressing her face with his fingertips. Ana's eyelids fluttered open and she stared at him while changing into a sitting position. He felt those powder blue eyes reaching his soul again, piercing through his mind, and he let her in. Then, he noticed her tear stained cheeks. He had made her cry. He could never forgive himself.
"Ana… I'm sorry I wasn't there when you woke up." He said against her lips.
"I was a little bit worried about…" Ana began to say, lowering her gaze.
"About what, baby? Tell me…please." Christian interrupted her lifting her chin with his index finger and looking her in the eye.
"Everything's fine, baby. I was only wondering if you were all right." Ana said shrugging. Christian didn't say a word, but furrowed. "You know… after what I told you yesterday." She lowered her gaze again.
Christian closed his eyes and embraced her in a tight hug against his chest, kissing her hair and inhaling her scent.
"It's the most comforting thing anybody has told me, ever. You have made me the happiest man alive, Ana." Christian sighed. "I'm not worthy of your love, and nevertheless you give it to me, without conditions." He fixed his grey eyes on hers, trying to make her understand what he couldn't put into words.
"Hush, baby." Ana said caressing his jaw. "I'm sorry I've put you in this position; I didn't mean to force you. It's ok. I'm here, you're here… we are together now, that's all that matters, isn't it?" Ana whispered while holding his face.
"Yes, it is." Christian said with a lump in his throat.
"Come with me." Ana said taking his hand. He followed her without asking, letting her guide him to the bathroom. "Let's take a shower. I need to hold you." Ana said with a sweet smile playing on her lips. She knew Christian needed their physical connection, and she needed it too.
Christian nodded, out of words. Ana turned on the water and then he watched mesmerized as the woman in front of him took off his clothes slowly, feeling shivers every time her delicate fingers grazed his skin. She began undressing and Christian went out of his trance when her t-shirt was on the floor, helping her then to get naked too.
They stayed in each other's arms, joined in a tight embrace, under the hot water for several minutes. Ana slowly ran her hands up and down his wide back, but Christian kept still, with his face in the crook of her neck, one arm across her shoulders and the other one wrapped on her waist.
"Say it again." Christian whispered in her ear.
Ana put both her hands on his cheeks and looked him in the eye, slightly frowning while trying to make sense to his words.
"Please… Say it again." He said fixing his bottomless eyes on hers.
Realization hit her as the air got trapped in her lungs. His stare kept burning into her and she felt her chest filled with an infinite emotion.
"I love you, Christian Grey." Ana fixed her stare on his face. His lips were parted as his breathing was turning harsher, and his stormy eyes were unreadable, focusing his dilated pupils on her eyes and her mouth in turn. "I love you body and soul. I love your kind heart and your immense generosity, your incredibly brilliant mind and your terribly damaged soul. Don't ever doubt it."
Christian crashed his mouth to hers, covering it completely with his lips, twisting his tongue with hers, sucking, biting and licking.
"I'm yours, Ana. Yours. Yours. I don't deserve you, but please, don't leave me. I'm nothing without you." Christian pleaded against her lips. He wasn't aware, but salty tears were running freely down his face.
"Christian, I love you with all my being; I'm not going to leave. Don't you believe me?" Ana said kissing his tears.
"Yes, I do." Christian's eyes shone with determination. His lips pressed hard against hers once again and he pinned her to the tiled wall while caressing every inch of her body with his hands. Ana responded avidly, trying to emulate him while rubbing herself against him.
"Fuck, Ana, I love the way your nipples graze my chest." He said lowering his head to suck on her nipples in turn." Ana moaned loudly. "I want you right here, right now." He whispered huskily in her ear.
"We can do it right here, right now." Ana said huskily in his ear while grabbing his throbbing erection. He groaned at the sweet caress and looked her in the eye with a questioning look. "Dr Greene gave me a contraceptive shot and told me it would be effective immediately." She clarified.
Without saying a word, he lifted her right leg wrapping it on his waist and caressed her folds with his fingertips, lingering a bit more on her entrance. Ana felt her abdomen clench and her limbs go weak.
"Are you telling me we don't need more barriers between us anymore?" He said pressing his shaft against her while circling his hips. Ana nodded and bit her lip with lust. "Hold on to me, baby." Christian said. She wrapped her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist at the same time he grabbed her bottom cheeks and entered into her very slowly. Ana moaned at the sweet intrusion and Christian hissed between his teeth, pressing hard at the end of the way, rocking his hips while pinning her to the wall.
"God, Ana. Being surrounded by you is pure bliss." He said moving slowly kneading her cheeks.
"Christian, I need you. I will never get enough of you." She said before assaulting his mouth hungrily.
He thrust harder, bringing them to the brink of ecstasy and then lingered there for a while; their panting alternated with soft moans filling the space.
"I don't want it to end." He whispered harshly in her ear, nibbling in her earlobe.
"Oh my God, Christian." Ana moaned when he began thrusting again. She positioned her arms around his shoulders and moved even closer to him, letting him go a bit deeper this way. Christian kept alternating those hard and deep thrusts with the subtle ones for a while, almost reaching the limit every time, lengthening the sweet agony of the previous moments before the orgasm, until Ana couldn't take it anymore and exploded around him, clenching all over him, digging her nails on his back, screaming in ecstasy. Christian followed her almost immediately, reaching his point of no return with the intensity of Ana's climax surrounding him and the hotness that flowed from her and spilled through his thighs. He felt a powerful jolt of electricity running over him and with a final deep thrust that raised Ana on the wall, poured himself out into a hot, savage and desperate flow. All the strength left his muscular body and he slowly fell on his knees, leaving Ana's similarly powerless body on his lap.
They still were panting heavily and moaning softly when he could raise his stare to hers. His pupils were so dilated that they were only surrounded by the tiny grey frames that were his irises. There was determination written all over his face. Ana grabbed his biceps, so tense from the recent effort, to balance herself. He raised both his hands and cupped her face.
"You are my world, Ana." He lowered his stare for a second and then looked at her again. He licked his lips and gulped heavily. After one last deep breath he resumed his words. "I love you, Ana. With all my being. Body and soul. Forever."
With that, he closed his eyes and emptied his lungs in a satisfying long breath. When he opened his eyes, he saw Ana's beaming smile shining on her beautiful face, which made him smile too. Ana put her hands on his head, tugging slightly of his hair, and leaned her front to his. His smile turned into a soft giggle when she kissed his nose.
_§ § 0 § §_
They lay in bed for a while, holding each other, without saying too much. There were still some things to say, some unsolved issues to discuss. They had to drive to Montesano to meet with Ray in the early afternoon, but in that moment, some sort of peace flooded them and transported them into a dreaming oblivion where nobody but them could reach.