Fanfic Challenge Rules:
In an odd attempt at fostering warmer Muggle/Wizarding relations, Albus Dumbledore has invited Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles to Hogwarts to film a special episode of "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" Albus is going to be the guest host of the show and the staff and students of the school are the audience. A draw was held to find the 2 wizarding participants, and the *lucky* winners were Severus Snape and Hermione Granger.
The skits that have to be included are Film Styles (suggestions courtesy of the audience and the scene that has to be acted out is up to you). Also the game of Questions Only (premise of the scene is entirely up to you). A musical number, such as the Hoe Down or the Irish Drinking song, and the Dating Game with Hermione as the Bachelorette and the men as her strange bachelor prospects. You can include any other skits that you'd like to round the story out.
Standard disclaimers apply. Only the plot is my property.
Whose Line is it Hermione?
The tables had been cleared from the Great Hall and hundreds of chairs were set out in long rows facing the dais that usually held the staff table. The staff table had been removed to make room for the television set that had been sent from London on the Hogwarts Express. Albus Dumbledore was overseeing the setup with a wide grin on his face and an amazing amount of sparkle in his bright blue eyes. He couldn't wait for the show to begin taping this evening. Professor Flitwick had worked for weeks perfecting the charms that would enable the huge studio cameras to work here so the show would be captured for posterity.
Voldemort had finally been defeated and in an effort to repair the damage done to the Muggle community by the magical megalomaniac, Dumbledore had asked the two most popular members of the Whose Line Is It Anyway? team to come and film a special edition of the show at Hogwarts. Colin Mochrie, a squib who had been born in Kilmarnock, but lived in Canada had persuaded his friend that it was for a good cause and so they had agreed. The duo and their crew had spent the last few days at Hogwarts, as Colin helped them get familiar with the wizarding world. A draw had been held to find the two wizarding participants in the show and Professor Snape and the Head Girl, Hermione Granger had been the winners. Snape, whose name had been entered in the draw by the Headmaster, was still complaining vociferously about the whole thing as the audience began to fill the hall but Dumbledore, as usual, was turning a deaf ear.
"Severus, my dear boy, relax. I know you'll enjoy yourself." He gave Snape a fatherly pat on the shoulder. The potions master stared daggers at the headmaster as the old wizard turned his attention to the Head Girl who was nervously twirling a strand of her hair through her fingers. "Ah, Miss Granger, are you ready for this?" Hermione managed a smile for the old man.
"As ready as I'll ever be, Sir."
"Good, good! That's the spirit. Now if everyone will take their places, it's just about time to begin."
The lighting charms were in place and the cameramen swept their lenses around the great hall, capturing footage of the audience and coming into focus on Professor Dumbledore as he walked up the central aisle towards the stage. He pointed his wand at his throat and cast Sonorus on himself before launching cheerfully into the introduction.
"Good evening everyone and welcome to a very special Hogwarts edition of Whose Line is it Anyway?, the show where everything is made up and the points don't matter. That's right, unlike here at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry where the points mean the difference between winning or losing the House Cup, the points I award to our participants as tonight's host don't mean a thing." He smiled and sparkled at the camera as the lights went up on the stage and then launched into an introduction of the quartet sitting there. Hermione was looking around at the audience and Hall a little nervously and Professor Snape was muttering to himself. Only Colin and Ryan seemed at ease, treating the audience to their usual pre-skit mugging.
"Our lucky guest performers in this special edition are Miss Hermione Granger, our very own Head Girl this year at Hogwarts," he paused for a second as a smattering of applause erupted from the audience, "and Professor Severus Snape, our resident Potion Master and Head of Slytherin." This time, only the members of Slytherin House applauded, and Snape scowled out into the audience, prompting a few easily cowed students to join in and add their own clapping to the mix. "Joining Professor Snape and Miss Granger tonight are show regulars Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles. Let's have a big hand of applause for everyone." The sound of clapping grew and filled the hall as Dumbledore made his way up on to the stage to take a seat behind a desk with a buzzer built into it, picking up a small stack of cue cards sitting on the desktop as he sat down and studying what was written on the first one.
"And now, straight into our first skit of the evening. It's called the dating game, and for those of you out there not familiar with it, here's how it works. Miss Granger is our Bachelorette and each of the gentlemen play her mystery bachelors. Her job is to identify each of the bachelors by how they answer the questions she asks them. Places please!" Hermione sat down first and crossed her legs primly, resting her interlaced fingers on her knee as she waited for the others. Colin sat down next, rolling his eyes and sighing as he read the name on the card. Ryan snickered at the name on his card and sat down with a wide grin on his face. Lastly, Snape sat down and ripped open the envelope that had been sitting on his stool. As he discovered who he was to play he stood up and glared murderously at the headmaster. "You have got to be bloody joking!" he complained.
"No, sorry. You agreed to do this." Dumbledore answered. Snape sat back down and commenced sulking as a ripple of laughter swept through the audience. "Okay everyone, take it away."
"Bachelor Number One," Hermione began, leaning forward and vamping it up at the same time. She took a second to run her fingers through her hair seductively, before continuing, "It's a well-kept secret that I'm a witch who likes to be pampered. Tell me, what would you do to pamper me?" Colin sits up straight at her question and one of Professor Flitwick's automated charms reveals who he is to the audience.
Colin begins speaking in a strange voice, " Have you ever stargazed, Miss Granger?" Hermione nodded "It's wonderful, isn't it? I never make a move without consulting the heavens. Before I could pamper you, I'd have to check the stars. And I'll tell you now, if Mars was bright, you'd be out of luck." He stamped a foot on the ground in front of his stool and made a nickering sound.
"Well…" Hermione cut in, looking askance at Colin, "thanks Bachelor Number One… you seem very odd." Colin nodded at her, a strange faraway look in his eyes. "Okay, Bachelor Number Two, same question. What would you do to pamper me?"
The audience absolutely cracks up as Flitwick's charm reveals Ryan's identity in this game. Ryan sits up straight, folds his hands tightly across his chest and stares down his nose at Hermione. "I don't pamper anyone, you stupid girl! I never have and I never will," he answers in a dangerous and seductive whisper, "however, I might be persuaded to only deduct five points from you for your impertinent question." Hermione raises an eyebrow at his response.
"Yes, well thanks, Bachelor Number Two, your generosity is underwhelming." Hermione tosses her hair again and turns to Professor Snape, who is scowling blackly at Ryan and the fact it's now his turn. "Bachelor Number Three, what would you do to pamper me?" The audience roars as the charm reveals who Snape is.
"Pamper you? Why would I pamper you when it's you who should be pampering me?" Hermione was creeped out by the strange toothy smile Snape was giving her and the pompous yet fruity tone of his voice. The students in the audience were howling at his impression. Apparently it was spot on. "I would regale you with fantastic tales of my adventures all over Europe, maybe even go as far as to present you with a signed copy of my latest book and bestow you daily with the smile that won 'Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award' five years in a row. You should feel extremely lucky to spend any time with me at all given how popular I am…"
"Thank you, Bachelor Number Three, I think I've heard enough." Hermione cut him off just as Dumbledore pushed on the buzzer a few times.
"Any guesses as to who your mystery bachelors are, Miss Granger?" the Headmaster asked. Hermione nodded.
"I think that Colin is… oh, I don't know…" she thinks hard for a second before asking, "a centaur maybe?" Colin nods and returns to his seat with a smile as Hermione continues, "Bachelor Number Two, you're Professor Snape, aren't you?" Ryan smiles.
"Who else?" he replies with a shrug, earning a glare from the real Professor Snape sitting on the stool beside him.
"And Bachelor Number Three, you were priceless, oh God… I never thought you had it in you." Hermione couldn't contain her laughter and wiped a tear from her eye as she slapped her leg. "Great impression of Gilderoy Lockheart, Professor." Snape hung his head in shame as she identified who he'd been playing. While he was glad she'd known who he was, he couldn't help but be embarrassed by his display.
"Great job, one thousand points each." Dumbledore pronounced as Miss Granger and Professor Snape cleared their stools off to the side of the stage with a flick of their wands. The audience broke into applause. "Our next skit is called film styles. What I need from the audience are a few suggestions of popular genres we can adapt our scene to."
"Space Opera!" Draco Malfoy shouted out. The other Slytherins looked at him, wondering how he knew what Dumbledore was talking about.
"Hong Kong action style!" Ron yelled, adding his own request. Hermione figured that Arthur had been smuggling Jackie Chan movies home again.
"Regency romance!" Lavender Brown hollered.
"Film Noir." Harry called, throwing his voice into the mix.
"Porno!" yelled Justin Finch-Fletchley and everyone around him erupted into giggles. The Headmaster held a hand up to signal a stop.
"Alright. I think we have enough here to get things started." Dumbledore pronounced. "Okay, listen up! Here's the premise. Miss Granger is bringing home her boyfriend to meet her parents. In all the weeks she's been writing home about him she hasn't once mentioned he's twice her age. Professor Snape will play the boyfriend and Ryan and Colin will play the parents."
"Let me guess, I'm the mother, right?" Colin asked, rolling his eyes.
"Of course." Dumbledore answered with a grin. "You'll start the scene of normally and then change to act in the style I call out." The hall was silent for a moment before the skit began.
Ding Dong! Hermione used a cantrip to make the sound of a doorbell ringing. Colin pantomimed peeking outside through a curtained window.
"They're here dear! Oh, I'm so excited." He opened the door and held his arms open wide. "Hermione, dear, I'm so happy to see you!" Hermione stepped into the embrace.
"Thanks, mum, it's nice to be home."
"Come in, come in!" Colin was bustling about the stage like a manic Molly Weasley. Hermione turned to Professor Snape and took his hand. If looks could kill she'd have been dead. "It's called role-playing, Professor," she whispered to him, "come on!" She was amazed that he actually moved.
"Mum, Dad, I'd like you both to meet Severus." She let go of Snape's hand and pushed him forward so Colin and Ryan could get a better look.
"Film Noir!" Dumbledore instructed and Ryan turned away from the scene the others were still playing out to face the camera.
"We've heard so much about this man. Hermione's written about nothing else for weeks. It's like we know him personally. But one thing she never mentioned was his age. She never told us he was an old man." He turned back to the scene and it was Professor Snape who turned around to face the camera this time.
"This is an odd skit. I'm not sure why Ryan turned around and spoke to the camera. Were we supposed to hear his monologue? I'm not an old man! Am I supposed to be speaking to the camera?" Hermione and Colin looked at each other and shrugged. Ryan just shook his head and tried not to laugh. The Muggleborn students in the audience were clutching their sides from laughing so hard.
"Hong Kong action movie!" Dumbledore called, changing the direction of the scene.
"What are your intentions towards my daughter?" Colin asked Snape, his lip movements not matching the question he had asked. He began to circle slowly around the Potions teacher, his hands raised in a defensive position.
"I assure you they're completely honourable." Snape placated.
"You lie!" It was Ryan's turn. His lips were still moving even though he'd only said two words and he pretended he was whirling nunchuks. "Hiiii-yaa!!!" He lunged forward, faking an attack against Snape. "I won't forgive you!"
"Locomotor Mortis!" Before anyone could stop him, Snape had whipped out his wand and cast a spell at Ryan. Suddenly unable to move his legs, Ryan toppled face down onto the stage.
"Ouch…" he whimpered.
"Crocodile Hunter!" Dumbledore called out, taking advantage of the turn of events.
"Crikey! What have we here?" Colin exclaimed in a bad Australian accent. "It seems like my trusty guide Snape has trapped something." He knelt down beside Ryan and rolled him over onto his back. "Well, here's something you don't see every day. They can be recognized by their large feet shod in outlandish footwear." Ryan snapped at Colin's hand with his teeth. "And they're very dangerous. Don't think of approaching one of these yourself, you might get hurt."
"Um, Professor, you should end the spell." Hermione prompted.
"Finite Incantatem." Ryan looked very relieved to be able to move his legs again and Colin helped him to his feet.
"Spaghetti Western." Dumbledore called another change and Ryan launched into his famous John Wayne impersonation.
"Well, I reckon if you want my daughter, you're going to have to come through me first."
"Daddy," Hermione inserted herself in between the two tall men and pushed against Ryan's chest with both her hands, "I love you both, I don't want to see you hurt and I don't want to lose him." Her attempt at an American accent was horrendous and everyone grimaced.
"He's got a price on his head, 'Mione." Ryan drawled. "What kind of sheriff would I be if I let him get away?"
"Oh!" Hermione lifted a hand to her forehead and crumpled to the floor.
"Oh dear, she's fainted!" Colin proclaimed. "She must have been out wandering the moors in the rain again."
"I'll go fetch the physician." Ryan declared and spun on his heel.
"Can you help me get her into bed?" Colin asked, hiding a grin. Snape glared at the squib, scooped Hermione up as if she weighed nothing and laid her down on the desk that Dumbledore was sitting behind. The Headmaster was laughing so hard at the look on Snape's face that tears were running down his cheeks. Ryan could still be seen galloping back and forth between the chairs on his long ride across the countryside to fetch the physician. Colin pretended to mop Hermione's brow and Professor Snape started pacing as Ryan galloped back and forth across the stage.
"Set me a task or I shall run mad!" Snape demanded from Colin just as Ryan stepped off his imaginary horse and came over to them.
Dumbledore sounded the buzzer signaling the end of the skit and Hermione sat up and slid off the end of the desk, her face red. All four returned to their seats and the Headmaster twinkled for the camera as the audience applauded and hooted.
"Seventy points to Professor Snape for the worst Film Noir monologue in history."
"Yeh, that was pretty bad." Ryan chuckled.
"Our next skit tonight is called Questions Only. You'll all act out a scene, but you can only speak in questions. If you don't speak in questions, I'll buzz you out and the next person will step into the scene. Understood?" Everyone nodded and took their places on either side of the stage. "Hermione and Ryan, you'll start. Hermione, you're a librarian who doesn't like to lend out her books and Ryan really wants to find some good books. Take it away."
"Is this the library?" Ryan asked the first question.
"Why do you want to know?"
"Can I borrow some books?"
"Can you read?"
"Would you like me to show you?"
"Sure… oops." Hermione smacked herself in the forehead as the buzzer sounded. Hermione stepped back and Snape strode across the stage to take her place.
"Hey, where'd that girl go?"
"The girl…. Doh!" The buzzer sounded and Ryan shook his head. Colin stepped forward to replace him.
"Have you got a copy of Moste Potente Potions?" he asked.
"Are you mad?"
"Why would you ask a question like that?"
"Would anyone but a madman ask that question in a library?"
"Why are you so snarky?"
"Why are you so nosy?"
"Why are you so annoying?"
"Why are you so bloody rude?"
"Isn't this a lending library?"
"Doesn't it look like one to you?"
"Aren't librarians supposed to be helpful?"
"Wherever did you hear that?"
"I read it somewhere…." Colin broke off and held his hand up in defeat. Dumbledore leaned heavily on the buzzer.
Back in their seats, the quartet sipped water and waited for the applause to die down. "Aahh, that was very entertaining. One hundred points to everyone in the audience." Cheers and whistles greeted his comment. "These points don't count, remember?" The cheering stopped.
"Our last skit of the evening is the Hoe Down. Let's everyone give a big round of applause to Laura Hall, who'll be providing the music." The lights and cameras focussed in on a small brunette with short hair and a wide smile sitting in front of a grand piano and the audience clapped again. "Okay what I need from you in the audience is a suggestion. Name something you wouldn't expect to hear a hoe down sung about."
"Hogwarts!" Two students cried out at the same time.
"Good enough." Dumbledore turned to the group on stage. "Okay, let's hear the Hogwarts Hoe Down." Laura Hall launched into the familiar strains of the song. Hermione was the first one up and she stepped forward, breathed in deeply and launched into her verse.
"When I was just eleven a letter came to me,
The envelope said Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry,
I had no idea at all that such a place existed,
And my parents think my life since then is rather twisted."
"Go Hermione!" Ron and Harry called out as their relieved friend stepped back onto the step and Colin moved forward to sing in that monotone way of his.
"Hogwarts School is a very neat old place,
You never know where you'll end up if you ride a staircase,
In the forbidden forest you'll get quite a chase,
From the many different monsters who all want to eat your face."
The students laughed at his morbid verse and he stepped back. Snape strode forward and you could tell he wasn't at all happy with what he was about to do. He started to sing in a surprisingly pleasant voice.
"At Hogwarts I teach Potions and this is my story,
I can show you all how to brew and bottle glory,
At night I sweep like a large bat along the corridors,
And I absolutely love taking points from Gryffindors."
At his words, the Slytherin students roared with laughter and the Gryffindors booed. Snape stepped back into place with a self-satisfied grin on his face. Now it was Ryan's turn.
"Professor Snape's a greasy git, I'm sure you'll all agree,
And he is so unpleasant, as nasty as can be,
I'm not sorry, not at all, I could have called you worse,
It's the only way to get you back for that leg locker curse."
Everyone stepped forward and joined him in singing the last line over again "…that leg locker curse."
"That's it for our show everyone. I hope you enjoyed it. Tonight's winner is Professor Snape and seeing as he's showed us how good he is at it, he can read the credits as Gilderoy Lockheart."
"I'm going to kill you, Albus!" Snape mouthed to the Headmaster as he launched into his best Lockheart impression.