Dumbledore: so it's time for your yearly review.

Snape: how big is my raise.

Dumbledore: actually I have some concerns we need to discuss first.

Snape: sigh. whatever.

Dumbledore: your fairness has been called into question.

Snape: i'm totally fair. i'm like the fairest professer at this crap school.


Snape: is that all, can we get to my raise now.

Dumbledore: you took 8,472 points from gryffindor this year.

Snape: every one of those was deserved.

Dumbledore: while giving slytherin 14,567 points.

Snape: not my fault slytherins are awesome.

Dumbledore: you took 10 points from ron weasley for, and i quote, "being an ugly stupid git."

Snape: is he or is he not an ugly stupid git.

Dumbledore: on four separate occasions you attempted to take "all the points" from gryffindor.

Snape: omg you're not even answering my question. what was that about fairness?

Dumbledore: let's talk about harry potter. some would say you are unfair to him.

Snape: here we go again.

Dumbledore: you tried to have him expelled on 47 separate occasions.

Snape: every one of those reasons was valid.

Dumbledore: on one occasion you claimed he had placed you under the imperius curse.

Snape: can you prove he didn't?


Snape: exactly.

Dumbledore: you swore you would protect him.

Snape: and he's alive. yay me.

Dumbledore: but he hates you.

Snape: i swore to protect his life, not his feelings.

Dumbledore: you are the worst teacher ever.

Snape: plus i only promised that because i'm totally in love with his mom.

Dumbledore: even now? after all this time?

Snape: omg you ask me that every year. YES. ALWAYS.

Dumbledore: i feel like i want to punch you.

Snape: have you found anyone else willing to spy on voldemort?


Snape: i need a 30% raise. unlimited potions supplies budget. and unlimited power to expel students.

Dumbledore: 10%, 1000 galleons per month for potion supplies, and go fuck yourself.

Snape: 20%. and i get to expel one student per year.

Dumbledore: 15%, and seriously, fuck off.

Snape: fine. i guess.