Dumbledore: so it's time for your yearly review.
Snape: how big is my raise.
Dumbledore: actually I have some concerns we need to discuss first.
Snape: sigh. whatever.
Dumbledore: your fairness has been called into question.
Snape: i'm totally fair. i'm like the fairest professer at this crap school.
Snape: is that all, can we get to my raise now.
Dumbledore: you took 8,472 points from gryffindor this year.
Snape: every one of those was deserved.
Dumbledore: while giving slytherin 14,567 points.
Snape: not my fault slytherins are awesome.
Dumbledore: you took 10 points from ron weasley for, and i quote, "being an ugly stupid git."
Snape: is he or is he not an ugly stupid git.
Dumbledore: on four separate occasions you attempted to take "all the points" from gryffindor.
Snape: omg you're not even answering my question. what was that about fairness?
Dumbledore: let's talk about harry potter. some would say you are unfair to him.
Snape: here we go again.
Dumbledore: you tried to have him expelled on 47 separate occasions.
Snape: every one of those reasons was valid.
Dumbledore: on one occasion you claimed he had placed you under the imperius curse.
Snape: can you prove he didn't?
Dumbledore: you swore you would protect him.
Snape: and he's alive. yay me.
Dumbledore: but he hates you.
Snape: i swore to protect his life, not his feelings.
Dumbledore: you are the worst teacher ever.
Snape: plus i only promised that because i'm totally in love with his mom.
Dumbledore: even now? after all this time?
Snape: omg you ask me that every year. YES. ALWAYS.
Dumbledore: i feel like i want to punch you.
Snape: have you found anyone else willing to spy on voldemort?
Snape: i need a 30% raise. unlimited potions supplies budget. and unlimited power to expel students.
Dumbledore: 10%, 1000 galleons per month for potion supplies, and go fuck yourself.
Snape: 20%. and i get to expel one student per year.
Dumbledore: 15%, and seriously, fuck off.
Snape: fine. i guess.