AN: Hi everybody. Here is a little something by me for you all that I wrote for What's in Santa's Sack. I hope it make you smile. My Beta is the wonderful mauigirl60.
Summary: Bella Swan hates Christmas. Can she find some Christmas joy thanks to the spirited Edward Cullen?
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyers owns Twilight. I just make the characters crazy.
ExB, HEA Rated M
The Day after Christmas 2012.
"Bella, open the door!"
Rocks were pelting my window sounding like a hard rain. I knew it could only be one person.
Sometimes all you want is to get lost in your imagination and pretend that the last year didn't happen. This was the course of action I decided to take. Christmas time was for chumps and that's why this girl was reading about zombies.
The rocks kept coming. That idiot was going to break my window.
I slammed my comic book down on the bed and shivered all the way over to the window where Garrett was caterwauling on the sidewalk. Didn't he know it was blasphemy to make a girl get out of her warm bed after having her heart broken? The fact that he was the one who did the breaking made it even more of a heinous crime.
If I was a zombie, I'd bite off his damned ear.
"Bella! Come on!" Garrett yelled louder.
I pulled the window up quickly and was pelted in the forehead with what felt like a boulder. Blood dripped down my nose. "Son of a bi—"
"Let me in! We need to talk!" He was looking up at me, his eyes bloodshot and his dark hair a mess. Pieces of hair were everywhere as if he'd stuck his finger in a wall socket.
"That will be a negative, Bubba." I glared at him. Though even in his drunken state, the falling snow made him look handsome. Of course, my vision was blurry from the blood dripping in my eyes. "Go talk to your fiancée. As you can see, I have a gaping wound and this girl needs to stick a Toy Story Band-Aid on it."
"I made a mistake! I do love you!" he continued to shout. I felt horrible for the neighbors. "My parents have been planning a wedding for Katie and me since—"
I gripped the windowsill tightly. It was supposed to have been me with the diamond ring on my finger, not some surfer girl from Cali.
It would have been nice to have been given a heads up that Garrett already had a girlfriend during the two years we were dating. It would have been even nicer if he hadn't asked the girl to marry him in front of me and all our friends at Jasper's Annual Christmas Drink Fest.
"Go away and get married right now." I glared down at him. "I have no more time to waste on you!"
It was just another reason to hate Christmas. I wonder what horrific act I'd performed in my youth to have fate put me on a permanent naughty list.
"No!" I screamed at him. "To that girl you've been engaged to since you were in the womb. I hate you! You're a no-good piece of shit who should be castrated!"
He looked relieved, until the hate part of my rant. "I don't want you to hate me. I need to hold you at least one more time and feel the warm heat of your body on my—"
He had to be kidding me.
"You want to have sex?" I grabbed a glass of water that sat on a nearby table. "You want a sweet goodbye to remember me by?"
"Well, yes," he said with absolutely no remorse. "It will be closure."
I poured the glass of water out the window and onto his head.
Garret screamed, "What the hell!"
"That's my idea of closure, asshole!" I slammed my window shut.
Men were worthless. Christmas was only a holiday for greedy consumers. All I needed were my trusty books and a tumbler of gin and tonic—light on the tonic. This Grinch was going to read more about zombies.
December 2, 2013
"Bella, come with us!" Alice leaned against my cubicle at the Seattle Times, as she chewed on her nail. I thought my habit was bad, but a stressed Alice was a nail biter and cuticle chewer. It was a disgusting spectacle to watch. "I cannot deal with my brother on my own!"
"Tell him to go home to New York because Christmas has been cancelled in Washington State—elf shortage or some shit like that." I pushed my glasses up my nose, trying to decipher Jessica Stanley's helpful holiday home cleaning remedies for her daily column. The girl could barely keep her desk tidy; no wonder print media was going extinct like the dinosaurs. I muttered to the screen, "Damn it, Stanley! Lay off the bleach."
Alice disregarded my attempt to ignore her. "Edward is moving here for good."
"Who the what-zit? Why? No!" I pushed my glasses up on my head and glared at her. This was not happening and absolutely not allowed.
She slumped in the chair next to me and pulled her dark hair over her face like Cousin It from The Addams Family. "Don't shoot the messenger! It's bad enough to have him terrorize me on holidays, but now everyday will be Operation Crush Alice's Spirit!"
"He treats me like dirt too!" I complained vehemently.
Alice pulled her hair away from her face, so I could see her overdramatic eye roll. "Bullshit, Swan! You hide from him every time he comes home."
"Not last Christmas, Al. He saw my heart break because of Garrett. Your jackass brother will never let me live it down!"
I'd been doing a great job of avoiding the bane of my childhood existence, Edward Cullen. He was handsome, but had the personality of a yapping Chihuahua. He annoyed `and embarrassed a person until they wanted to bludgeon his gorgeous face. My earliest memories were of Edward teasing me about my hair until I cried.
The fact that Edward was a witness to Garrett's betrayal last Yule meant only one thing: I'd given him a whole new arsenal to mock me with.
Alice looked at me, pouting, but it didn't deter me. I stated resolutely, "Al, please give your parents my regrets. I shall not be—"
"Of course you'll be there! How're you doing, Swan?" Edward, with his good looks and questionable charm, came up to my desk. "Get lost, sis. I need to talk to Swan. Call that hippie boyfriend of yours—maybe he can serenade you with a ten-hour Grateful Dead song."
"You're a dick, Edward! This is my job! Besides, Jasper's a poet, so you need to shut—" Alice argued, as Edward hauled her out of her chair.
"Whatever, jerk-face!" She hissed and stormed off. Edward plopped right down into the now-vacant seat, a shit-eating grin on his face.
I rolled my eyes and continued correcting Jessica's poor excuse for journalism. "Why is it that whenever you come home, my best friend regresses to a cranky eight-year-old?"
He laughed, his green eyes sparkling. I hated myself for deeming them as being sparkling; I must be overtired from watching late night old movies where the woman twirled around in chiffon and the men were debonair.
"Beautiful Belly Swan, you will be coming to my parent's soirée. I need a date," he announced. I saluted him with my answer using my middle finger. "I like your sass, Miss Swan. Umm . . . why do you have Christmas skulls on your desk? They can't be your decorations."
I glanced over to Huck and Finn. I found them quite festive for this dark holiday of my malcontent. "Originally, those boys were filled with vodka until I drained them both. In true Martha Stewart holiday fashion, I filled them with a concoction of water and food coloring."
I shot him a small smile and he returned it with a frown. "Bella girl, how are we going to get your holiday spirit back?"
"I'm sure my President's Day cheer will be full-blown merry." I grabbed a pile of papers and waved them in his face. "I need to bury myself in work now. You can find the exit by yourself."
December 5, 2013
The sounds of Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree assaulted my ears as I sat on a plastic chair, waiting for my take-out Chinese order. The fiber optic pink Christmas tree spun around the counter, making me feel dizzy. I couldn't even purchase lo mein and crunchy noodles without having the sights and sounds of the season being shoved into my face.
"It looks like we have the same idea, Beautiful Bella!"
No. No. No. No. No.
"Edward," I spat in greeting. I was praying internally that they'd quickly finish my order but, for the first time ever, the restaurant was running behind. "You're stalking me now?"
He sat down beside me. Of course he did, because I had no luck.
Edward said cheekily, "It's just a twist of fate or a case of extreme good fortune. We should dine together."
I pretended to read a menu. "I have work to do."
"Alice tells me that all you do is work."
"Alice has a big mouth," I retorted. This was the truth, because my friend couldn't keep quiet about anything. Luckily, she also sung like a canary about her big brother asking about me. "Why can't you ignore me?"
Edward took my hand, measured it with his, then took his fingers and twisted them up with mine. "Look how nicely they fit with mine."
We were both staring at our intertwined hands for just a moment. As I raised my head, I saw him staring at me. Bedroom eyes looked into my surprised face. What the hell?
"Oh, my God! You want to have sex with me, you cheese ball!"
"Edward, stop imagining me naked!" I couldn't help adding, "I bet you see me lying in the buff on a table covered in sushi. Don't you?"
"That's Japanese," Edward protested, as he tried in vain to readjust his pants.
I shrugged. "They sell it here, too."
"Can't you believe in a romantic moment?" he asked.
"Romance is for silly fools. I learned my lesson." I stood to move farther away from him. I didn't like the way my heart was going pitter-patter in my chest.
A man in an apron came out with a large bag of food. "Swan, order up!"
"That's all for you?" Edward asked in surprise.
"Yes, it's time to strap my feedbag on!" I said quickly, almost running to the door. "See ya, Ed!"
"I'm not giving up on you!" he shouted.
I waved without looking back. I was saved by a giant bag of Chinese.
December 15, 2013
There was a knock at the door and I stumbled out of my bedroom, a blanket around my shoulders. My apartment was freezing and it was way too early to be out of my comfy bed. The cold, wood floors made my bare feet feel like blocks of ice as I awkwardly made my way to the door.
I opened it only to be attacked by a giant pine tree. It made me fall backward, landing me on my ass, as I let out a scream.
"Damn! Sorry, Bella!" Edward's giant friend, Emmett McCarty bellowed. "Where should we set up the decorations?"
I was going to kill Edward. He'd been following me around since the Chinese food run-in, and now he was interrupting my life once more. I tried to tame my hair while attempting to look for Edward. I cringed; why did I care how I looked in front of him?
Of course, Edward came up while I was in mid-primp and held out his hand. "Up you go, Christmas Bell."
"No, sir! Stop that! No nicknames!" I was going to kill him, as he helped me up. Of course, I was pulled upward into his arms instead. Our mouths were so very close, and I felt his hot breath on my face. I wanted to kiss him.
He stroked my cheek. "You've always been my Christmas Bell. I've been calling you that since you were the angel in the church nativity when we were young."
I felt weak-kneed; as he released me, all I could do was stare at him.
Alice grabbed my arm. "I'm so sorry, Bella! He's a beast!"
"What are all of you doing here?" I turned to find Rosalie, my old friend, and Jasper coming through the door, carrying bags of decorations.
Rosalie dropped her bags on the floor and rushed to my kitchen. "We're making you festive, my dear. I'll make the coffee!"
"I have my guitar in the car! I can sing carols!" Jasper offered.
That man sounded like a dying cat bellowing. I hated Christmas, but the thought of Jasper desecrating holiday classics made me cringe.
Alice rubbed his head and said soothingly, "No, baby, remember you need to do that when you're alone."
"Listen guys, I don't think caroling, a tree or any other holiday gobbledy gook is necessary," I pleaded. The last thing I needed was the very season I detested taunting me in my own home.
Rosalie poked her head out from the kitchen. "We brought donuts."
"I'll let you put a wreath on my front door in exchange for donuts, you bullies," I announced, as I watched Edward and Emmett struggling to get the tree in the stand, while Alice handed me a cup of coffee.
It was pretty funny.
Emmett bellowed, "Oh, shit!"
The tree crashed on top of both Emmett and Edward. A string of curse words could be heard coming from underneath the tree.
Now, that was a hilarious Christmas miracle.
December 22, 2013
"I think my brother wants to be your boyfriend," Alice admitted, as she dragged me through the overcrowded mall.
I refused to agree with that statement, even though Edward did bring coffee and pastries to me every morning at work. He constantly sent me texts all day long with bad jokes. Evenings were spent sitting on my couch in failed attempts to watch Christmas classics. He'd put them on and I'd immediately change the channel to watch reruns of Seinfeld. I was thinking it was his attempt to pretend to be a nice person, not to kiss me. He hadn't even tried to, though a small part of me wished that he would.
"No, he doesn't." A random woman pushed me away from a display of sparkly earrings. "Hey! What's your problem? I was standing here! Everybody has the right to buy cheap earrings from a kiosk, lady!"
The uncouth witch tried to grab my fleece, as she yelled, "You bitc—"
Alice pulled me away from her and dragged me toward Santa's Village. "I swear I can't take you anywhere, Swan!"
"Why are we at the mall anyway? You hate the mall! I thought you were going to do all your shopping online?" I noticed Alice glance at her watch and continue to pull me toward the monstrosity that was the Winter Wonderland before us.
It was a fake castle covered in glitter and rhinestones that loudly played Santa Claus is Coming to Town from large speakers. There were big-breasted elves wearing costumes that would fit more appropriately on the small children waiting in line then on the women wearing them. It was quite tactless.
"I need to buy—" Alice's face wrinkled up in thought. "Fuck this! You need to sit on Santa's lap."
"You have to!" She kept pulling me.
I dug in my heels to no avail. "Why? Did I punish you in some fashion?"
"Bella Swan, you will do this for me so I can marry Jasper!" She tugged me harder.
"What?" That made no sense!
We stood behind a little boy screaming at his mother.
"Quiet, or Santa isn't coming. He hates brats," Alice admonished the kid. She turned to me. "Bella, I need Edward's support with Dad and this is how I'm going to get it."
She smirked. "Damned straight."
I glared at her, barely paying attention to the sounds of begging the kid before me was making to whatever elderly dude they were paying to have the young'uns sit on his pillow-padded lap. Internally, I was plotting on ways to destroy the Cullen siblings.
"Come sit in my lap, little girl." I knew that voice. Slowly, I turned.
Sitting on a gold throne that was decorated with plastic holly, sat Edward, his face covered in a hideous white beard that I believed was created by massacring a bag full of cotton balls.
"You've got to be fucking kidding me," I hissed. "You're a mall Santa?"
"Language, little girl! There are little children all around us!" He patted his lap and gave me a wink. "Sit right down, honey."
I stared at him, dumbfounded for a just moment, unable to ignore the mischievous twinkle in his eye. Then I sighed and addressed his request. "You must be dreaming. I refuse to participate in your creepy fantasies, St. Nick."
"Bella, please!" Alice pleaded. "I won't make you a bridesmaid! I won't have any if it pleases you!"
"You're so lucky I'm a kind and generous woman, Al." I plopped down on Edward's lap and felt something hard. I looked at him incredulously. "Seriously? That's inappropriate!"
It was also slightly seductive. Of course, I was a tad sexually frustrated, and not a good judge of my warring emotions.
Edward blushed. "That might be the candy canes in my pockets. Give me a minute and I can promise a cane that's quite a bit bigger."
"You got something in your eye, Cullen?" I questioned with a smirk. "If this is about me telling you what I want for Christmas, then it's easy. I'd enjoy burying my head under blankets until it's all over."
"If this is about Garrett—"
"No, Edward. That was my final stand of horrible yuletide bliss. My mom had left on a Christmas Eve with her new boyfriend. My puppy had gotten run over on a Christmas morning. I'd broken my arm tripping over a new bike under the tree another year. I could come up with a dozen more. I'm done with it!"
I started to get up, when Edward pulled me back. "It's time to break your December bad luck. I have a proposition for you."
"Does it have anything to do with me sucking on your massive candy cane? I can promise you that it doesn't taste sweet, and I really don't want to gag on anything at the moment," I stated, as Alice snorted. "I'd have to be really drunk and eating a breath mint at the same time. It would have to be extreme multitasking to do that kind of pole sucking."
"Really? It isn't pleasurable?" Edward asked skeptically and then his eyes grew dark. He quickly shook his head to rid himself of dirty thoughts. "We can work with that, but it wasn't what I was talking about. I want to take you to the Christmas Eve Carnival and have you spend Christmas Day at my parents' with me."
"I hibernate those two days! I'm like an angry bear and, trust me, you don't want to mess with that!" I looked behind me at the horde of children about to revolt at their errant Santa. "Those kids are going to attack your kingdom, Santa."
Edward took hold of my chin. "It's fine. Bella, we're starting a new tradition this year. Tanya, I need the mistletoe."
A scantily-clad blonde stumbled over. "What, Eddie?"
"The plant, Tanya!" He rolled his eyes. "Hold it over Bella's head!"
"Weird," she stated and held it over my head.
"What are you doing?" I asked loudly.
Edward kissed me soundly on the mouth. The man had skills.
"So romantic!" Tanya trilled.
"Gross!" Alice complained.
A small girl screamed, "That's not Mrs. Claus!"
We ignored them all.
"Please say yes," Edward murmured into my lips.
"Yes," I agreed before getting a mouthful of fake beard.
December 24, 2013
We held hands as we walked down the streets decorated in millions of twinkling lights. Edward's glove combined with mine made my hands sweat, but I wasn't going to pull away.
". . . classes after New Year's," Edward was explaining about his teaching position at the local elementary school that would start in the New Year.
This wasn't the same boy who would tease me about my ponytail and tug on it between classes. He was no longer the guy who escaped from town in the middle of the night once he finished college to play guitar in smoky bars. Edward was now a third-grade teacher, whom I was falling for.
"Why did you come back, Edward?" I asked, "you're such a talented musician." We stopped in front of the large Christmas tree which stood in the middle of the town square, a dizzying array of rainbow lights.
He handed me a hot chocolate from a nearby vendor. "For you."
"Ed—" Pressure, much?
"It's for job security, too—living cheaply between gigs, when I could be back here making money and ogling you, didn't make sense anymore."
Edward pulled me closer with his free hand and kissed my nose. "It's chilly out here."
"It is. Good thing we have the chocolate." I pressed myself even closer to him.
"I was hoping I could warm you up." Our foreheads were pressed up against each other.
I kissed him first. It warmed me up quickly and was better than chocolate.
I slowly pulled away to see Garrett staring at us. Last I'd heard, he was in California with Kate, the secret fiancée.
"Edward, thanks for calling me," my ex stated.
I moved away from Edward quickly. "What the hell, Edward?"
"I thought if you had some closure, that—" I gave him the finger for that remark.
"Don't be mad, Bell!" Garrett came closer. "I've been thinking about regrets. I made a mistake when things ended between us."
I caught the glint of glistening gold on his ring finger. Garrett was trying to sell me the Brooklyn Bridge and I wasn't biting.
"Hey! You didn't say that to me on the phone!" Edward yelled. "You were going to be a man, apologize and leave, so Bella can enjoy Christmas again."
Garrett gave that snarky grin that I couldn't ever forget. "She will—as my girl."
"No, thanks. I like being alone. Alone is cool." I started walking away to my home, my solace, when Garrett spun me around, planting a kiss on my mouth. It tasted like desperation and onions.
I returned the favor by kneeing him in the groin, and he went down in a heap.
"Jesus, Bella!" he groaned.
"Go home to your wife, Garrett," I demanded. "This girl isn't interested."
I stomped away, as flakes of fluffy snow started to fall around me. Bah, humbug!
"Bella! Wait!" Edward ran to catch up. "I was only trying to help!"
I twirled around in the snow. "No! You screwed up, Cullen. I chose you after you crammed Christmas down my throat. Finally, I wanted to be able to enjoy this whole commercialized holiday with you. Instead, you bring dipshit here, and now I'm stuck with the taste of fried onions in my mouth! I'm heading home, alone, to brush my teeth and watch my annual zombie movie marathon!"
"Let me come with you!"
"No, Edward! No!" I stumbled away, fueled by my anger.
That anger led me to the local liquor store to get my fill of cheap white wine and a bag of food from Jim, at the Lucky Dragon Chinese restaurant.
Two hours later, I was gorging on egg rolls and watching a zombie eating a man's skull. Merry fucking Christmas, Bella Swan.
"Bella! Bella!" It was another Christmas Eve and more yelling at my window, this time without the rocks. If it was Garrett, I was dropping my television onto his head. "Bella!"
"Damn it, this isn't A Streetcar Named Desire," I muttered.
I violently pulled open the window, my mouth opening in shock. It was Edward—completely decked out in white lights. I yelled at him, "What are you doing?"
"Wooing you. Apologizing to you. Wanting you to love me the way I love you!" he called back at me.
He was a very pretty—albeit very stupid—human Christmas tree. I knew he meant well in his cheesy way.
"It's too soon for love, Edward. It's been less than a month."
"I've loved you since I tugged your pigtails, girl. I tried so hard to get you notice me, but you wouldn't budge," he admitted.
I had my own truths to admit. "I noticed all right. I just thought someone as good looking as you would never go for your little sister's friend."
"You did love me!" His smile was as bright as his lights.
I returned his smile. "In the way that young girls love, Cullen."
"It's a start."
"A pretty good one," I agreed.
Mrs. Cope stuck out her grizzled gray-haired head from her window and admonished, "Take it inside! Some of us are trying to watch Family Feud!"
"Get in here Edward, before you get lead poisoning from the lights." I waved at him to come in.
"Lead poisoning?" Edward looked panicked.
I just motioned at him again and, minutes later, an unlit Edward was inside my apartment.
"Do you think it's soaking into my sk—" he began asking, before I silenced him with a kiss. Edward smiled as I started to unravel him. I pulled off his shirt along with the strands of lights. I kissed the bare skin of his chest. Edward whispered, "You forgive me."
"I'm a generous soul, Cullen." I pulled my shirt off as well. Edward's fingers traced my skin. "More, Edward."
"Your wish is my command, Bella."
We stumbled to my bedroom as we kissed. The screaming of poor citizens being terrorized by the undead was our unlikely mood music. Fallen clothing left a trail on my floor.
I fell backward onto the bed, as we continued kissing and caressing. Our fingers explored each other's bodies, making us both tremble. I looked deeply into his eyes and said, "Impale me with your candy cane, Santa Ed."
"You're a strange girl, Bella Swan," he said. "I love that about you."
He pushed into me and we moved together perfectly. It was intense and amazing, until I accidentally poked him in the eye trying to grip his hair. Orgasms made me slightly clumsy.
Luckily, he was distracted by his own release. "Oh, Bella!"
Oh, Bella indeed. I still had it!
Christmas Day 2013
"Merry Christmas, Pretty Bella," Edward said, as he nuzzled my neck.
My nude body was sprawled out on top of his. I lifted my head slowly, my blurry eyes trying to focus on the handsome man I was using as a body pillow. "You're breaking up with me?"
I knew my usual Christmas luck. It was best to confirm things.
"Good," I said with a smile. I placed my head on his chest; I liked the sound of his heart next to my ear. "Love that."
"Love you." He kissed my head. "We need to be at my parents' house soon."
"You should be at your parents' now," I stated. They were going to get a surprise when he walked in with me today.
Edward let out a hearty laugh. "Poor Alice has to wait for her presents! My mom will be overjoyed with the present I'll be walking in with."
"What did you get her?"
"You." He chuckled again. "She's been dreaming of us getting together since we were toddlers."
I sat up. "How did I miss that?"
"Girl, you were oblivious to everything!" He pulled me back down to snuggle. "That's better. I can't wait for next Christmas."
"Why? Can't we get through this one first?" I asked. He flipped me over and kissed me hard.
"Next year you'll be my bride."
I giggled. "Whatever, dude, why don't you ravage me for now."
Edward Cullen aimed to please and performed spectacularly.
December 24, 2014
"I take Isabella Swan—" Edward said, standing in his tux.
I was the one wearing the white dress.
I guess Christmas wasn't so bad after all.