Star Wars

Episode III

Revenge of The Klowns

Long, Long ago in that galaxy over yonder, the one to the left, yeah, that one . . .

Chancellor Ignacius Marion Palpatine, secretly the Sith Lord Darth Sidious, (don't tell anyone, it's a secret!), has embroiled the galaxy in a devastating civil war through the use of various pawns, king and queens. While Palpatine plays chess, some of his pawn are beginning to realize that their usefulness will end with the war.

And they're not happy about it.

Palpatine has made a secret, (shhh . . .) alliance with the evil, monstrous race known as Klowns to foment, (that means stir up), fear, terror and suffering amongst the good people of the galaxy. But these diabolical Bozos are no fools. They realize that their power will be a threat to him once he attains his goals.

Thus, they have decided to strike first. . .

Supreme Chancellor Iggy Palpatine sat quietly in his office, looking over his daily planner. There was little left to do before he executed Order 66, which he intended as a birthday present to himself, (he was turning 666). Young Skywalker was growing ever closer to The Dark Side of The Force, and he was certain the boy would be well under his control by his birthday/Order 66. He smiled at the thought that he would be the one to bring an end to The Jedi Order after two thousand years of Sith sissies skulking in the shadows.

Emperor Ignacius . . . No, that didn't sound right. Better just stick with 'Palpatine'. He suddenly dropped the book and lept to his feet. He sensed evil, not just evil but Evil. It was an evil that made his own black heart palpitate with terror. This was not part of his Master Plan. His pawns had betrayed him.

The Circus had come to town.

The Klowns poured into The Senate building, Darth Sillious at their head. Hundreds of Klowns of all shapes and sizes and several Klown Kars spread out in search of prey. Darth Sillious knew that Supreme Chancellor Palpatine was actually Darth Sidious, he'd known for some time. It was obvious, they shared the same unmistakable nose. After seeing what had happened to Darth Maul, Darth Bobo and several other 'Darths' in his Master's employ, he had decided to kill Sidious before Sidious could kill him. As his troops took control of the building, he led his elite guards to Palpatine's office.

Morbidly obese Twi'lek senator/pimp Orn Free Taa hid beneath a very, very big desk with two scantily clad 'aides'. He had no idea what these creatures were, but he had no desire to face them. He turned toward his aides/hos, "Ladies, while we're stuck here, why don't we just cuddle . . ."

Palpatine stood with his lightsaber at the ready as he felt his guards die. The door was locked, of course, but that meant nothing to Klowns. Normally, a blaster was a better weapon to use against a Klown, to just shoot their red noses, but he was facing a Klown trained in lightsaber combat. As the door began to crack he gripped his lightsaber tightly and prepared to fight.

Darth Sillious smiled and ran his finger across his neck, then pointed at Palpatine. "So, you intend to destroy me, Sillious? I am a Sith Master, you merely an apprentice. I am The Dark Side!" The Klown giggled, drew his ice cream sabre and the two entered combat.

The Senate was in chaos. Okay, the Senate was in more chaos than usual. They were being overrun by Klowns. Terrified representatives locked themselves in their chambers, fled or started shooting personal insults and filibusters at the invaders.

Back in The Supreme Chancellor's office . . .

Darth Sillious pulled a pie out of thin air and flung it at his master.

Palpatine fell as the pie struck his face, the acid burning away his mask and warping his features. The Klowns grunted in disgust at the prune-faced, rotten-toothed abomination before them.

"Great! Do you bozos realize how much that face-lift cost?!" He hissed furiously.

Darth Sillious offered him a balloon.

The Jedi Temple -

A breathless clone rushed into The Jedi Council's Chamber, "The Senate is full of Klowns!"

"So, what's new?" Replied Master Pimp Kit Fisto.

"Not those clowns! Klowns!"

Yoda practically jumped from his chair, "Go we must now! Klowns evil imagining beyond!"

His lightsaber knocked from his hand, Palpatine had no choice but to unleash Sith Lightning upon the Klowns, who merely mimed up an invisible wall to protect them. His rotten, yellow teeth cracked as he ground them in his rage and frustration. Darth Sillious merely laughed.

"There are too many motherfracking Klowns in the motherfracking Senate!" Mace Windu cursed loudly. He had quickly determined that blasters were better suited against Klowns than lightsabers, and the Jedi were shooting off noses left and right. Yoda was in a blood frenzy, slashing and leaping and performing unnecessary acrobatics as he fought the vile creatures. Windu wondered if, perhaps, Yoda was being affected by The Darkness around them. For every Klown they killed, two took his place. The carnage was unspeakable, it was almost as bad as Black Friday at a video game store. Almost. The Jedi reached the Supreme Chancellor's office just in time to see him using evil Sith Lightning in a futile attempt at self defense.

Windu's jaw dropped, "What the . . ."

Darth Sillious Force Pushed Darth Sidious out the office window, sending him falling helplessly into the Council Chamber. Palpatine exploded in a spectacular release of Dark Side energy that knocked everyone in the building back several feet and made a big, ugly splotch on the Senate carpet.

"Our Sith Lord found we have now fracking Klowns we kill!" Yoda shouted, and launched himself at Klown Sith. Blue and pink lightsabers flashed as the two battled across the room and into the Senate Chamber itself, leaping from pod to pod with unrestrained fury.

Master Yoda had fallen to The Dark Side of The Force.

Master Windu turned just in time to see the shadow puppet velociraptor coming down on top of him.

"Oh Sith . . ."

The Senate Chamber -

Darth Sillious slammed two pods together in an attempt to squash the tiny, annoying Jedi master. Yoda flew from the wreckage and impaled Sillious through the nose as Sillious' lightsaber pierced his dark heart. The two fell together, making an even bigger splotch on the carpet.

Only Masters Adi Gallia, Agen Kolar and a Baragwin Padawan named Google Dotcom remained to battle the Klowns in the Chancellor's office. But reinforcements were on the way. Jedi Master Kit Fisto walked calmly into the room, smiled broadly and made a sweeping motion with his pimp cane/lightsaber, pointing toward the door. The Klowns shrank back in horror. In all the universe, only one species could inspire fear in the dark heart of a Klown. Their only natural enemy.

The Xenomorph.

Xenomorph ambassador Giger curled his mouth in the rough approximation of a smile as his retinue began pushing their way into the room. The terrified Klowns ran about in blind panic as the aliens began slashing them to pieces. Within moments every Klown in the Chancellor's office was dead. With their leader dead and Xenomorphs loose in the building, the Klowns fled en masse to their vessel and blasted off so quickly they dragged part of the Senate Rotunda wall with them into hyperspace.

Supreme Chancellor Palpatine, Vice-Chancellor Mas Amedda, Senior Administrative Aide Sly Moore, Masters Windu and Yoda, dozens of senators and Jedi, hundreds of clones and senate guards, all dead. Both The Senate and The Jedi Order were thrown into chaos. Orn Free Taa, having been the closest of the surviving senators to Palpatine and having enough money to buy the position, became transitional Supreme Chancellor until a new Chancellor could be elected. It was even money on senator Taa or Xenomorph senator Giger.

Master Pimp Kit Fisto now led The Jedi High Council, and he quickly appointed new councilors to replace the deceased Master Pimps and Hos, including his secret, (so don't tell anybody!), girlfriend, Twi'lek Jedi Knight/Ho Aayla Secura.

Once the carpet was cleaned, the Senate reconvened to remember the late Supreme Chancellor. Orn Free Taa managed to squeeze out a few tears as he spoke to his fellow senators about Palpatine's honesty, nobility, compassion and their close personal friendship. He had died a hero, saving The Senate from the Klown invasion. Of course, Taa had no idea that Palpatine had actually been a Sith Lord who hated his bloated guts. The Jedi had decided to keep that information from the public, for obvious reasons. So, the universe would remember Palpatine as a great hero.

That is, until Darth Maul's autobiography came out.

To be continued . . . ?

Seriously, why do almost all Twi'lek women dress like sluts? Even Aayla dresses trashy. Yes, Orn Free Taa is a pimp with his furry pimp robes and fawning hos. And, in case you're wondering, Anakin was making out with Padme in a sleazy motel during the whole incident. I present this story as proof of my deteriorating sanity . . .