AN: Hey! Sorry this wasn't up for Christmas – I wrote it on Christmas Eve however when I tried to upload it on Christmas Day I couldn't get onto my page never mind my doc manager. Anyway, this is just a little dabble inspired by Dan's video "The truth about December" I will hopefully continue this throughout the year including every major event (operative word being 'hopefully') It's rated T however I do want to point out that it may contain bad language etc therefore being more appropriate for older teenagers rather than younger but I don't think it's quite mature rated. For this specific chapter I would also just like to say that I am a very strong Christian so therefore I am not making fun of the scriptural or religious side of Christmas but the traditional side and aspects that have evolved from it (such as present giving) so please don't be offended by anything written here that was not my intention. Without further ado enjoy!
The Truth About Christmas Day...!
You wake up either with a hangover or the thought "I can't start drinking too early otherwise I'll be asleep right after lunch and will miss Christmas...then when can I start drinking? It is Christmas"
You need to get dressed up in your new clothes and jewels etc for the day even though it's 7am and you're just going to Church before spending the day with your close family who - let's face it - have seen you as a naked baby so they're not going to be bothered if you look hot or not but you feel obliged to anyway, once you're all sorted and you feel great you realize that you've been given a set of Christmas false nails...you HAVE to put them on otherwise someone will get upset that you didn't and you'll have to wait a whole year to wear them. So, you go through all the difficulty of getting them straight on your nail with your wrong hand then realise they're different lengths. After you've trimmed them down and made them look pretty it's time to go so you get in the car and realize there's no way you can even open the door with them on. Actually, there's no way you'll be able to do anything with them on.
Your ex-boyfriend sends you an email: all you can think "shit! Really? You couldn't let me have one day off? Right, should I email back or not?"
You stuff your face with chocolate and then realize you've got an entire Christmas dinner to eat
Your mum buys you a nice new outfit two sizes smaller than you are "well, it might be a little snug but I can always go for a bigger size" you instantly suck in "no, no it's fine! Actually a little big for me but I like it, thanks mum" now you can't breathe for the rest of the day for fear of splitting it and her being right.
Your boyfriend gets you some sexy underwear and your grandma asks you what he got you "um er um..." you have to think fast: chocolates? no she'll want some, a onesy? no she'll want to see it, Condoms? NO! Why can't I just think of something normal to say? "He got me some socks" right...I guess I'm going with socks..."oh, that's nice dear...did he also get you that nice lace bra and thong set?" Crap! Run! run while you can!
You play a game with your family and it results in everyone yelling, fighting and probably no talking until new year's day when it all has to repeat again.
One of your gifts is a button up onesy and you want to stay in it all day because what other day can you do that apart from Christmas? Then you realize that you need the toilet "this is not going to go well"
Someone passes you a present and tell you its fragile, then you drop it by accident. "Yup I love it thanks"
Every time someone takes a photo of you you're always doing one of three things 1) about to eat with your mouth wide open, 2) looking like you've been through a bush backwards as your hair is so messy from trying on so many new clothes deciding what to wear or finally 3) asleep on the sofa drooling with your butt in the air.
You've just finished your massive Christmas dinner and your entire family is sitting around the table laughing and having a great time when you realize you need to biggest poo ever! It can't possibly go well with everyone outside the door of the toilet can it? What can you do? Hold it in until they go or go and produce what's sure to be the smelliest and most gruesome Christmas dinner enduced crap ever? All the time while your thinking this it's brewing up to be even bigger and bigger until you can't hold it any longer you excuse yourself from the table and make your way to the bathroom only to realize that there's a huge que. Once you're through and into the bathroom itself you remember that you're in your button up onsey! Then, to top it all off after you've managed to overcome the massive wait and the massive crap and the button up onsey and the massive smell produced you see that there's no toilet roll left!
The food has been demolished and the crackers are being cracked. First the sparky thing inside your cracker doesn't go and you feel obliged to pull it so you try to pull it on your own only to snap the paper but not produce the spark - all you've done is brought your finger closer to the fire, then because you're so stupid and determined you do it again only to the same result, now you're left with hardly anything to pull and the spark still hasn't occurred so what do you do? Get the pliers out and pull it with that!
Now that the whole cracker situation is over and all the bad jokes unraveled that nobody enjoys as everyone either knows the answer or simply doesn't get them it's time for the dreaded paper hats! 'Dum dum dum' I don't think I'd mind them if I only had to wear them for the meal but you just can't get rid of them! You've done your hair up so nicely that every time it slips off your head your hair gets messed up and you have no choice to wear it for the rest of the night.
MARY DIDN'T EVEN RIDE ON A DONKEY! IT NEVER ONCE SAYS IN THE BIBLE THAT SHE DID SO WHY IS IT SUCH A BIG THING EVERY YEAR? The song "little donkey" has now been forever ruined for me and my childhood seems like a lie...
From the second you wake up to the second you go to sleep all you can hear is off key singing everywhere you go and to make it worse, as the night goes on and people get slightly drunker the music gets worse and worse until it reaches the point where there's just one person singing "We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas..." over and over again until they eventually fall asleep themselves.
Your Uncle buys you a Barbie doll every year and you're forced to say "aw thanks very much I love it" when in reality all you're thinking is "really? ANOTHER Barbie doll? I haven't liked Barbie since I was - oh wait I have NEVER liked Barbie!"
You wake up in the morning so excited and with so many plans but by 10 O'clock there's nothing left to do but watch TV in a sea of mess even though you spent the past three weeks tidying and wrapping presents.
AN: Ok, so if any of you have read any of my other stories then you'll know that this isn't like what I usually write but I just thought of this stuff and needed to write it bluntly in order not to explode with negative thoughts on one of my favorite days of the year. I think this is my place to rant about stuff so I hope you enjoyed my pointless rantings and please let me know if I'm the only one who thinks like this or not.
HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!
Love you guys :D x