Title: Rapunzel: From the witch's point of view
By: Tirya King
Rating: G…Soooo G
Feedback: Definitely! Flames will be used to roast marshmallows!
Archive: Just tell me where it's going.
Summary: An assignment for English-12. This is a fairy tale from someone else's POV. A real riot!
Disclaimer: Rapunzel is not mine. However, the goat and stupid contractor is.
A/N: It's short. It's pointless. And it happens to be pretty funny if I say so myself. Just read it please! It's only 2 pages long!
You all know the story of the wicked witch who stole a child away and locked her in a tower, never to be seen by anyone until the handsome prince came to save her. Well, you have been deceived. That's not what happened at all. I know, because I am that witch. And this is my story.
It all started when I moved in next door to a pair of candlemakers. Nosiest people I've ever known! And that smell…let's just say that candle wax fumes is not what you want to wake up to in the morning.
I was the local witch and I did my part by brewing up whatever people needed. Love potions, nose hair remover, unicorn-be-gone spray…you name it! Anyway, I had this big garden out in my backyard where I grew all my ingredients. And there was this giant patch of rampion by my back wall that I was especially fond of. Excellent for dragon infestations.
So I had this big order to fill for some king with a major issue over some dragon and his daughter. And then when I go to pick my rampion, I find half of it missing! I thought I know who had taken it, because my neighbor's wife craves rampion like I crave chocolate. I decided to let it slide just this once. I still had enough to fill my order. But the next morning I checked my rampion patch and wouldn't you know that half of my half a patch was gone! Well, that was it! I stayed up that night to wait for the thief. I was a very busy woman and didn't have time to deal with missing ingredients.
I caught that miserable candlemaker just as he hopped over my wall. I told him quite calmly that I didn't want him eating my rampion anymore and that he had to pay for taking them. So he freaked out on me like I had threatened to turn him into a goat or something (which I didn't by the way.) He said his wife would go nuts if he didn't bring back the rampion and that I could have anything I wanted if I let him have it. Of course I said no; I just wanted my rampion!
I gave him a week to compensate me for my rampion before I alerted the authorities. (Note: goat spells ere not mentioned once.) So what you think happened by the end of the week? That miserable candlemaker dumped me with his kid! So now I was short a crop of rampion and plus a baby. And last I checked, babies weren't much help against dragons.
To make a long story short, the king's daughter got eaten, I face death if I ever step into France, and the kid drove me nuts! I named the little monster Rapunzel for the occasion and by the end of the month, she had taken 5 years off my life.
It finally got so bad, I decided to move into the woods where I wouldn't have to deal with cranky neighbors whining about her destroying their flowerbeds. The contractor I hired for the job was new at house building and instead of a 7 room salt box with a patio and in-ground pool, I got a tower. A tower lacking a little something I like to call a door. Needless to say, the contractor had a sudden dragon infestation in his backyard the next day...
Than an idea struck me. While I was at work, I could keep her up at the tower where I wouldn't have to worry about her starting an early Armageddon. It was perfect! The only problem was thinking up a way to get in and out of the tower without her being able to as well. Using my reverse spell for hair remover, I made her hair grow so long I could climb up it with no extra risks outside severe split ends.
The years went by and I was the happiest a witch could be. Rapunzel was out of the way and there were plenty of dragons to be exterminated. That is, until one day…
I was up feeding Rapunzel and she suddenly let it slip that I was heavier than a certain young prince who was apparently visiting her every morning. I just lost it then. Not only was she disobeying me by seeing a boy I had not yet approved of, he was a prince of all people! Princes are right up there on my list with lawyers and door-to-door salesmen. They are my number one competition in the dragon infestation business and also the number one cause of death among witches ages 30-300. I could not take this insult lying down.
I sent her to one of my cousins in Scotland after giving her a much-needed hair cut. She wouldn't need it where she was going and I still needed a way in and out of my multi-million dollar tower.
I waited until the next morning when that pesky prince came over. I let him get up to the top of the tower before ranting at him. Why couldn't he just leave me alone?! First he steals all of my clients and then he had to go after Rapunzel!
Let me tell you, an angry witch is not a pretty sight and he was a prince of very timid nerves. Coupled with my fried temper, he was pretty scared 2 minutes into my tirade. During said rant, he jumped back and fell out the window. I tried to save him, I really did, but my magic failed me just then so I couldn't. But I knew that I'd probably get blamed just the same, so I sent his body to the farthest reaches of the world.
Last I heard, the prince was merely unconscious and Rapunzel ran away from my cousin's. By some strange and random twist of fate, they met up in some faraway land and are blissfully married. My dragon business has completely failed, my neighbor is craving turnips now, and if you dare tell me there's a happy ever after to this, I'll turn you into a goat.