A/N: Just a little idea that popped into my mind after reading several parody fics on this site xD Please review and tell me what you think (i.e. if I should bother continuing with this)!
"I've got it!" Harry suddenly yelled out in the middle of the Great Hall during breakfast one morning. The entire Gryffindor table swiveled around at this outburst.
"Whavoogot?" Ron asked, his mouth full of egg, bacon, toast, beans and sausage. Hermione scrunched up her nose in disgust.
"What have you got?" Ron repeated, once he'd swallowed his mouthful. Harry beamed.
"I've finally figured out what's wrong with Voldemort!" he replied excitedly. The other Gryffindors were silent, hanging onto Harry's every word.
"Yes…?" Hermione asked uncertainly. Harry clapped his hands.
"He needs a good shag!"
Silence greeted this statement.
"I'm sorry, what?" Ginny spluttered.
"Shagged! Get laid, do the nasty, whatever you prefer! Why do you think he's so bloody moody all the time?"
Hermione just stared at Harry. "Where, in Merlin's name, did you get that idea from?"
Harry shrugged. "Dunno. I had a vision last night," he said, pointing to his scar, "and yeah he was being a dick to Lucius and Bellatrix and it seemed like he just needed a good shag."
Meanwhile, Severus Snape was glaring at the Gryffindor table, his usual breakfast routine, when he noticed Harry announcing something to the entire Gryffindor table.
"Minerva," he drawled, "you might want to go down and see what's happening. After all, it is your house…"
Minerva took one look at her House and tsked. "Good heavens Severus, they're just talking amongst themselves. You really need to stop being so uptight this early in the morning!" But Severus was having none of that. He saw the gasps of the Gryffindor table and was convinced that that good-for-nothing Potter spawn was spreading false rumours about him. Rising from his seat, he stalked down to confront the boy.
"So Potter, you're so pathetic that you have to resort to spreading false rumours about me just to hold the attention of your…peers?" he hissed. Harry opened his mouth to refute that outrageous claim, when an idea popped into his head.
"Sir, you're in with Voldemort, right?"
Severus gaped, not expecting that sentence at all.
"What?" he hissed back. It wasn't exactly common knowledge that he was a former Death Eater and he bloody well didn't want everyone finding out about it now.
"You know, you're friendly with him right? So far as to say that he implicitly trusts you? Trusts your judgement, maybe…listens to your advice?" Harry asked hopefully. Hermione just sighed and covered her face with her hands.
"No I am not 'friendly' with the Dark Lord, nor does he take advice from anyone! I don't know what gave you the idea that we are remotely in contact or - "
"Oh come off it Professor," Harry interrupted, "we know that you're spying on him for Dumbledore, I just wanted to know how close that relationship was," he said, looking up at the shocked Professor innocently.
"Shut up!" Severus hissed. It took all of his self-control and more to not hex that stupid boy for revealing his secret.
"What?" Harry asked confused. "Oh right, don't worry, Dumbledore only told us three," he said gesturing to himself, Ron and Hermione, "about your secret but I guess now everyone knows…" he finished, looking around at the Great Hall where everyone was frozen, watching the heated exchange between Harry and Severus with rapturous attention.
Over in the Slytherin table, Draco was the first to react.
"You mean you're a traitor?" he asked Severus incredulously. "Wait until my father hears - "
"No no no no no no," Severus yelled as he raced to the Slytherin table, before clamping his hand over Draco's mouth before he could finish that sentence.
"HMPRRHPHHH!" Draco protested loudly.
"You're coming with me, boy," Severus ordered, dragging Draco out of the chair and towards the Entrance Hall. They passed the Gryffindor table when Severus jabbed a finger in Harry's direction yelling, "And you three with me as well!"
Harry, Ron and Hermione got up from their seats and began to follow the Potions Master when a shrill voice called out.
"I'm coming too!" Ginny yelled.
"NO! You're too young!" Ron yelled back before realizing how weird that response was.
"What the hell, mate?" Harry asked. Ron shrugged.
"NO! Wherever Harry goes, I go too!" Ginny said, with a dangerous glint in her eye. Without waiting for a response, she climbed out of the bench and began to follow them.
"W-wait, hang on!" Neville stuttered, "I'll come too!"
Hermione did a quick probability calculation in her head.
"I'm sorry Neville, but I did a quick probability calculation in my head and if you tag along there is a 63.251% more chance that you'll screw up whatever Professor Snape is going to do to us, so with your best interest at heart, I suggest you just stay back," she concluded sweetly. Neville, not having understood any of what Hermione had just said to him, nodded dumbly and sat back down.
As Severus, Draco, Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny exited the Hall, the rest of the school turned to face Dumbledore, as if looking for an explanation for what the hell had just happened. Dumbledore just smiled back at the students.
"Now, now I advise you all finish your porridge before it gets too cold," he said with that infuriating twinkle in his eye.
To be continued...hopefully...