A/N: Here's chapter 2! This chapter is a LOT longer than the previous ones and also contains coarse language. Please read and leave a review, even if it's just 'LOL' or 'This is shit, go kill yourself'. Anyway, enjoy!
"That has got to be the ugliest expression I've ever seen," Draco commented from the corner of the room. The other students were crowded around the unconscious form of Severus Snape, whose face was contorted with a mix of disgust, shock and horror.
"Yeah well I don't blame him," Ron grumbled. "Bloody hell Harry, did you have to mention that stupid idea to him? It's bad enough you had to say it halfway during breakfast, but again?"
"I don't see what the big deal is," Harry replied, nonplussed. "I think it's an excellent plan."
"Yeah well what you think isn't necessarily normal," Ron retorted.
"Instead of arguing over the appropriateness of Harry's plan, I think we should be focusing on reviving Professor Snape," Hermione interjected. There were blank stares.
"Why? He's actually tolerable when he's knocked out!" Ginny protested.
"Yeah, also you don't know what else he was gonna do with us!" Ron added. "I mean now that he's threatened us, what else was he gonna do anyway? I say we just leave." Draco nodded from his corner.
"I agree with Weaselbee. Besides I have some interesting news to tell my father about."
Ron walked purposefully towards the door and yanked it. It didn't budge.
"Nothing a little 'Alohomora' won't fix," he said confidently, before pointing his wand at the handle and saying the incantation. Nothing happened.
"You're so stupid Ron," Ginny complained. "Of course Snape isn't gonna leave his chambers unguarded. There's probably a whole lot of wards you have to get through to unlock the bloody thing. It's so Snape!"
Ron frowned as he trudged back to the group, pointedly ignoring the look of satisfaction on Hermione's face.
"Well can we leave him unconscious for just a bit longer?" Ron pleaded with Hermione.
"I thought you wanted to get out of here?"
"I do, but I'd rather stay in here with an unconscious Snape than out there with a furious Snape trying to hex our heads off for revealing his secret," he replied, shrugging. Hermione sighed. She couldn't argue with that logic.
Meanwhile, Harry had crouched over Severus' face and was fishing around his pockets.
"I've always wanted to do this," he said gleefully and pulled a black marker out of his robe pockets.
"Ohhhh ho ho ho," Ron chortled. "Are they…?"
"Magic Permanent Unerasable Marker Pens for Mischievous Purposes!" Harry crowed. "Fred gave it to me, but this is a prototype, you know before they invented the Erasable feature to go with the pen!"
"Harry!" Hermione admonished.
"Shut up, Granger," Draco interrupted. "Potter you better destroy his face with that or you're no longer my friend."
"I was never your friend and nor will I ever be," Harry scoffed. "I'll do whatever the damn hell I like."
"So what are you going to draw?" Ginny asked.
"I dunno. Something horrible."
"Well if you need, you could always practice on me…" Ginny said suggestively. "I'm always available to you," she said, unbuttoning her cardigan. Harry ignored her and opened the pen. He coloured in Severus' lips black then sat back and paused.
"That's it? Your pranking game is weak, Potter," Draco sneered.
"I'm not finished yet, Blondie," Harry muttered before leaning over and colouring in Severus' eyelids. The man didn't stir.
"Harry, I really don't approve - "
"No one cares, Hermione!" Ginny snapped. Hermione stared back at Ginny, her mouth open in astonishment.
"Ooh I know!" Harry exclaimed. He walked over to the bedside table where a vase with dead, shriveled flowers was. He chucked the flowers out and smashed the vase until it was just a pile of glass sand. Muttering a spell, he Transfigured the glass sand into a pile of white powder. "Ron, want to help me?"
Ron walked over, grinning. He scooped up some of the powder and dusted it all over the Potion Master's face.
"MORE!" Ginny screeched to which Ron gladly obliged. Soon Severus' face was deathly white with black lips and eyelids.
"What else?" Harry asked Draco.
"Something dreadfully embarrassing. Like a monobrow!" he said, shuddering. Harry nodded and filled in the white skin between the Professor's overgrown eyebrows.
"I know! I know! I know!" Ginny yelled, jumping up and down. "LET'S DO HIS HAIR!" she cackled. She pounced off the bed and dragged Severus into a sitting position against his bed. She weaved her hands into his hair and then stopped. "Oh my..." she breathed.
"His hair...it's so greasy! Like unbelievably greasy," Ginny explained. Ron looked sick. "And you can smell the potion fumes off it!"
"Well if it's so disgusting why don't you wash it?" Hermione snapped.
"Never said it was disgusting," Ginny giggled, "but ooh yes a wash wouldn't do him any harm. I wonder if he's ever washed his hair," she mused before running off into the Professor's bathroom.
"OH MY GOSH!" she shrieked. The other students ran into the bathroom and gaped. If Severus' sleeping chambers were to be described as drab and gloomy, it had nothing on his bathroom.
"How...?" Draco whimpered. "How can he even wash himself in here?"
"I don't think he does..." Ron whispered, equally as pale. Draco looked at him, horrified.
Harry tentatively stepped into the mouldy shower cubicle and turned one of the taps. A great shudder accompanied the creaking noises and suddenly a stream of murky water and dead flies shot out of the shower head, drenching Harry.
"His hot water pipes haven't been used in centuries!" Harry exclaimed. "This man has no concept of personal hygiene! Seriously, Hermione, how can you fancy him?"
Hermione turned bright red. "I do not fancy him!" she snapped.
"Granger fancies Snape? Who would have thought..." Draco smirked.
"Yes you do Hermione, don't deny it," Harry grinned. "First it was all 'his nose is not a greasy beak, it's Roman' and then you wanted to revive him, I mean who in their right mind would want to revive Snape, anyway and then you got highly offended when I drew on his face...admit it. You. Fancy. Him!"
"I do not!"
"Believe whatever you want, Potter," she spat before storming out of the bathroom, no doubt to go and sit beside Severus Snape.
"Wow Potter, and here I was thinking you couldn't possibly do anything worse to piss people off and bam! Granger calls you 'Potter'," Draco drawled. "But if I was your friend, I would never have called you 'Potter', Potter!"
"Shut up, Malfoy," Harry yelled before stalking out to find Hermione. "Hey," he greeted.
She ignored him.
"Look I'm really sorry Hermione. What I said was out of line and I apologise. Will you forgive me?" he pleaded. Hermione turned to look at him and was fighting to keep a smile off her face.
"Oh whatever. I forgive you," she finally said. "And I'm sorry for calling you 'Potter'."
"No you're not." She paused.
"Yeah you're right. You were a jerk, you deserved it," she grinned.
"I don't fancy him, I just admire his intelligence and sarcastic wit."
"Well tell Ron that, he's currently in major sulk mode."
Half an hour later, the students were back in the chambers surrounding Severus who now had clean and fluffy hair, as opposed to the greasy, clumpy mess it had been. Ginny was sectioning off bits of hair, braiding them and casting a Setting Spell so that when she undid the braid, he had nice, beachy waves.
"It's all the rage in Teen Witch Weekly," Ginny explained to Harry, Ron and Draco. Hermione wisely kept quiet, having realised that her disapproval meant nothing to them.
"And now for the finishing touches," Harry muttered, scrawling something with the Magic Pen on the Professor's forehead and jaw.
"I...am...a...fat... - move your hand, Harry - ...virgin. I am a fat virgin," Ron declared.
"We all know you are, Weasley, no need to advertise it," Draco drawled.
"Harry, he's going to murder you! It's bloody brilliant!"
"Harry!" Hermione exclaimed, unable to keep silent at this offence.
"Sorry, was that taking it a bit too far?" Harry asked, not looking the least bit sorry. "Oh well it's Unerasable so not much we can do now."
"Are you finally done now?" she demanded. Harry stared at the hot mess lying in front of him.
"Yep," he replied, popping the 'p'.
"Is anyone else hungry?" Ron complained.
"No!" everyone else yelled back simultaneously. Ron muttered something unintelligible under his breath and walked over to Severus' desk, transfiguring a pile of ancient Potions books into a plate of blueberry muffins. He started to chomp down on one, when Hermione realised the disaster that would come.
"RON! NO!" Ron either didn't hear her or ignored her and finished the muffin in one mouthful.
"Wha?" he asked. Hermione shook her head.
"Ron, don't you EVER listen in Transfiguration?" she yelled. "Transfigurations aren't permanent! They almost always revert back to their original state!"
"So that means..." Ron said hoarsely, "that muffin is going to turn back into a 1500 page volume IN MY STOMACH?"
"That is gonna be one painful shit," Draco sniggered, but was silenced by a slap from Ginny.
"Painful is the least of your worries," Hermione said, agitated. "That book is going to be destroyed by all your stomach acids! Oh and it was an ancient classic as well," she wailed. Harry nudged Hermione.
"But it's a book!"
"Yes, but Ron is also your friend."
"I humbly apologise for interrupting your riveting conversation, BUT I HAVE A FUCKING BOOK IN MY STOMACH AND I'M GOING TO DIE!" Ron shrieked.
"Oh stop overreacting, Ronald," Hermione snapped.
"You should've been there when Charlie pretended to have poisoned Ron's soup with dragon venom. He's always been a bit of a drama queen," Ginny remarked.
"But there's no such thing as dragon venom," Hermione said, confused.
"I was small, how was I supposed to know?" Ron yelled at Ginny.
"This was last fucking summer!" she yelled back.
"Guys, guys, guys calm down. Arguing isn't going to solve this problem," Hermione intervened.
"Why don't you puke it out?" Harry suggested.
"No," Ron replied, bluntly.
"Ron has a phobia of vomiting," Ginny explained to a confused Harry.
"Ah, emetophobia," Hermione said, thoughtfully, "I've read all about it, it's always fascinated me and - "
"Again, priorities," Harry reminded her.
"For Merlin's sake Weasley, you either shit it out, painfully might I add, or you puke it out while it's still in muffin mode," Draco said. Ron turned green at the mention of his options.
"C'mon Ron, wouldn't you rather have it out of you than in?" Harry asked, gently.
"Only if it doesn't involve me pooping or puking it out," he mumbled.
"Well it's not like we can just transport it out of you," Hermione snapped, becoming increasingly pissed off at her friend.
Suddenly the unconscious figure of Severus Snape began to stir. Three groans and a 'bloody Potter' later, his eyes snapped open.
"Uh..hi Professor, back with us then?" Harry said hesitantly with a fake smile plastered on his face. Severus looked around at the scene in front of him and let out a string of swears.
"This wasn't a horrible nightmare then?" he grumbled. "You actually proposed that moronic, ridiculous idea to me?"
"Yes, but before we dwell on the details of my, if I may say, brilliant plan, we have a slight problem, Professor," Harry said, pointing to Ron.
"He swallowed your book, Sir," Draco smirked.
"What?" Severus hissed. He looked at his desk where a plate of muffins were sitting in place of the pile of ancient Potion's journals. He scrunched up his face in an expression of anger, horror and loathing and just as he was about to scream at the poor boy,
"Bathroom," Ron managed to squeak out, before running straight to the bathroom.
"It's starting to smell a bit," Ginny said, looking squeamish.
"I think I'm gonna be sick as well," Draco whimpered.
A few minutes later, Ron emerged from the bathroom looking noticeably better. Hermione had cast a Deodorising Charm and looked at Ron expectantly.
"Well, better out than in, as I always like to say," Ron announced, grinning.
"You flushed it down the toilet," Hermione said, deadpanned.
"Yeah of cou- oh. Oops," he said, sheepishly. Severus shook his head, deciding to deal with this abhorrent crime later. He turned to Harry.
"How exactly did you imagine I'd react when you proposed this ludicrous idea, Potter?" he sneered.
"Please, call me Harry. And I'd imagined that your eyes would've lit up in wonder as you realised just how smart and brilliant my plan was. You'd have said 'Wow Harry, that is clever! How on earth did you come up with something so amazing that I couldn't have?'" Harry finished.
"Well you imagined wrong, Potter," he spat. "Merlin this is giving me a killer headache. I'm going to get a Pepper-Up Potion and I'll be back so do not even think to destroy my chambers," Severus snarled before walking to another room.
"So how did you end up puking?" Harry asked Ron, after Severus left.
"Oh believe me, it was not intentional. Just when Snape had that horrific expression on his face along with that hideous makeup and hair, he looked gruesome! Gross enough to make me sick," Ron replied. They all shuddered.
"Should we point out - " Draco began to ask.
"No. If any one of you mention it to Snape, I will personally strangle you, okay?" Harry warned. They all nodded just as Severus came back. Harry grinned, excited to start planning what he reckoned was the best solution to the Voldemort problem.
A/N: Yeah...not really happy with the ending, but I had to end it somewhere . Next chapter should be out by next week! Please leave a review!