How You Remind Me
~Standard Disclaimers Apply~

//Never made it as a wise man,
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing.
Tired of living like a blind man
I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling.
...and this is how you remind me...//

Yuki was having a singularly very bad day. He had just come from an interview, in which the interviewer, a middle aged plump lady, had ended up crawling into his lap and trying to seduce him. This of course after she had asked why he had changed his name. ::How the hell did she find that out?:: He angrily thought, for what seemed to be the hundredth time. Needless to say, that was one interview that was never being aired.

As he got into the elevator that would take him up to his apartment, he could hear the faint telltale booms that signified Shuichi playing his music too loud. Rolling his eyes, he jammed his finger into the up arrow button and leaned back against the side of the elevator as he felt it begin its ascent. Reaching for a cigarette, he felt a certain amount of dread about going up and dealing with Shuichi. From the way his day had gone, Yuki knew that he would end up yelling at his pink-haired lover. The music most definitely not helping.

A small ding alerted him and he stepped out as the elevator doors opened. The music was even louder up here, and he could already feel a headache forming. Pausing outside of the door for a moment, his hand resting on the door handle as he readied himself. He was going to try and make it through this without losing his temper too horribly. Things had been nice between him and Shuichi for the past week and he was going to try and keep it that way. ::Baka:: Gritting his teeth, he turned the handle and stepped into hell.

//...This is how you remind me of what I really am...
This is how you remind me of what I really am...//

Yuki stared. There was Shuichi in the middle of the living room, dancing along blissfully to the music, unaware that Yuki had gotten home. Yuki stood there staring at his lover, his ears being bombarded by loud music. American music. ::Where the hell did that baka get American music?:: Yuki wondered idly, feeling as though his ears were about to start bleeding. Steeling himself, he walked over to the stereo and twisted the volume wheel down to the point where it was bearable, resisting the urge to simply yank it off of the stereo.

Shuichi stopped abruptly in his dancing and turned to face Yuki, his eyes wide. A giant smile spread across his face as he leaped at his lover.

"Yuki! You're home!" He shouted happily, as Yuki deftly side stepped the attack, moving into the kitchen. ::I need a beer:: Opening up the refrigerator, he growled as he noticed that there were none left. Moving over to the coffeepot, he was thankful to see that Shuichi had recently made a fresh pot. Grabbing a coffee mug out of the cabinets, he poured himself a cup, only half listening to Shuichi's endless stream of chatter.

"...and then Ryuichi came over and he brought this CD that he got when he was over in America, and it had this song on it, and isn't it just the coolest song in the world? I don't know what the guy is saying though, but it just sounds really cool. I've been listening to it on repeat even since 2..." Yuki glanced up at the clock. It was now 6pm. ::Hn, figures:: "I'm trying to memorize the words that way I can sing along with it, even though I don't have any idea about what he's saying... but its better than just humming along with it! I only have these two verses down's hard! They have the oddest sounds..." Yuki repressed a smile at that one. Of course Shuichi wouldn't know what the singer was saying. His grasp on English was not what one would call good. Or even decent.

He walked out into the living room, one hand clutching his coffee cup, as he ran his other through his blonde locks. The music continued to play in the background, still loud enough to grate on his nerves. Shuichi gave a small cry of delight when he recognized this part in the music and he stopped chattering at Yuki's unresponsive back, to sing along. Yuki sat down on the couch, and gazed at his lover, wondering what could be so 'cool' about this song.

// "Its not like you to say sorry,
I was waiting on a different story.
This time I'm mistaken,
For handing you a heart worth breaking..."//

Yuki's head snapped up, his eyes narrowing as the lyrics to the song invaded his ears. Shuichi continued singing, not realizing his lover's reaction. Yuki shifted slightly; uncomfortable with how it seemed like Shuichi was singing to him, reminding him of his shortcomings. Images of all the times he had yelled at the pink haired boy, had lashed out uncalled for sprung to mind and his jaw tightened.

Shaking his head, he cleared his mind of the memories, annoyed at himself for having let a song get to him. He glared at Shuichi, his eyes blaming him, even though he knew that Shuichi didn't know what he was singing. ::Stupid baka. Stupid song.:: His glare intensified as he looked at the boy in the middle of the room. He was getting into the song, his lips moving along with the foreign words, his hands gesturing with the stops and starts of the music.

// "And I've been wrong. I've been down.
Been to the bottom of every bottle..."//

Looking down at the mug cradled in his hands, Yuki wished that he had his beer. He could do with being drunk right now. To get his mind off of how the song kept reminding him of his life. His left eye twitched slightly as Shuichi bounced over to where he was sitting and sung directly into his face.

// "These 5 words in my head scream
'Are we having fun yet?'"//

Yuki's eyes widened at the words, his mouth opening slightly. Flashes of that room in New York and his Sensei's heavy alcohol breath, raced through his head. His grip on the coffee mug tightened and his hands were beginning to ache from the pressure. Yuki didn't notice. He didn't notice anything.

~ Rough hands on his neck. Hot breath on his stomach. Can't move. Can't see. Can't breathe. Cruel laughter in the background. Searing pain. Darkness. Pain. Sensei's face in the darkness. Mocking words, slurred by consumption.

"Well well, little Eiri... don't fight so much. You'll only make it harder on yourself." Punch in the stomach. Eyes wide. Cruel smile. "Are you having fun yet?"~

::...yet...yet....:: The words echoed in his head fading back into the lyrics of the song as he came back into focus. Shuichi's worried eyes peered at him and he realized that he was staring back with a frightened expression. His face twisted into a snarl and he stood up, pushing past Shuichi. He strode over to the stereo and with a viscous twist, turned it off. The silence was deafening as the music dissipated.

"Yuki...? What...?" Shuichi sounded confused.

"Baka! What makes you think I want to listen to this shit? It's annoying, as are you. I don't want to hear this anymore!" He snapped, his eyes dark with anger. Shuichi stared at him, mouth agape. Yuki calmed down a bit at the confusion and slight fear in those wide violet eyes and let out a long-suffering sigh. "If you must listen to it then use your damn headphones." He said grudgingly.

//Its not like you didn't know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do
And it must have been so bad
'Cause living with me must have damn near killed you.//

Shuichi's face lit up with a smile, though his eyes still seemed wary. He immediately scrambled for the headphones that lay discarded on the table next to the stereo. Plugging them in, he jabbed at the on switch, his grin more genuine as he lay back on the couch to listen.

Yuki stared into his coffee, trying to push back memories of Kitazawa and New York. He sat desperately still, his lips pursed into a tight line. He looked over to where Shuichi lay, his eyes closed as he blissfully listened to his song. He could tell that the boy had it on repeat. He kept turning the volume up one notch higher at a time when he thought Yuki wasn't paying attention. Yuki could almost clearly make out the words to it by now. ::How can he listen to that and not be deaf?:: Yuki couldn't help but ponder. Shuichi was softly humming along to the music, and Yuki found that incredibly cute, if slightly annoying.

//And this is how you remind me of what I really am...
This is how you remind me of what I really am....//

Yuki continued to stare at the boy for a minute longer, drinking in the utter cuteness of him before he couldn't take it any longer. Standing up, coffee still held in one hand, he made his way silently to where the boy lay, gazing down at his face. ::So innocent looking:: He thought absently to himself. He reached out to brush a stray lock of hair off the boy's forehead when he heard Shuichi singing along again. He took a step back, then steeled himself. Leaning in again, he watched as Shuichi grabbed the remote and turned the volume up higher without ever opening his eyes. Yuki could most definitely hear the words clearly this time.

// "Its not like you to say sorry,
I was waiting on a different story.
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breaking." //

Shuichi was singing along with more force than last time, getting into the singer's attitude. Yuki stared at him, feeling slightly faint as memories flooded his mind, unbidden. His mouth opened soundlessly as it seemed Shuichi's voice blended into the lead singer's, sounding exactly like Kitazawa.

// "And I've been wrong, I've been down
Been to the bottom of every bottle.
These 5 words in my head scream
'are we having fun yet?'"//

~Hard kisses. Biting. Licking. Blood. Pain. Dark. Laugh.

"Well, are you?"

"Sensei....why?" Shuddered gasps.

"Ah... I see. Not yet. We'll just have to try harder now won't we. Boys. Dear Eiri isn't have fun yet..."~

::fun yet....yet.... yet...No:: Yuki clutched his head, squeezing his eyes shut against the images that flashed through his mind.

"No..." he whispered, his voice thick with pain. ::..yet...:: He stared down at the coffee cup still held in his hand. "No!" Turning he flung the mug as hard as he could against the far wall. "URUSAI!" His shout echoed off the wall, seeming to linger in the air as Shuichi snatched off his headphones and looked at the heaving figure above him.

"Y...Yuki...?" His voice was nothing more than a mere whisper, barely audible over the music still blaring out of his headphones. Yuki turned his head towards his lover, not really seeing him.

"Urusai." Shuichi shivered. He didn't think he had ever heard Yuki sound that cold before.


"Shut up! You are annoying! An eye sore! Get out of my house RIGHT NOW!" His voice rose in tempo till he was shouting the last two words. Taking a deep breath as he noticed Shuichi wasn't going anywhere, he grabbed the boy's arm in a tight grip and hauled him off the couch. Bringing his face down so that he was almost nose to nose with Shuichi, Yuki glared into frightened eyes. "I said get out. I do not want you here. Do you understand." His voice was once more the calm, cold that it was before, his eyes hard, and Shuichi preferred the shouting, raging Yuki over this emotion-less one. He nodded meekly, not wishing to anger him further and turned to leave.

Yuki let go of his arm when Shuichi made a move to leave, and watched impassively as the pop idol walked with dejected steps to the door. Turning his back on his lover, Yuki took one step towards the bedroom before Shuichi's voice stopped him.

"Yuki..." Not bothering to turn around, Yuki stood there with his back tense, making no sound to show that he acknowledged Shuichi. "Yuki...I love you." The soft words hung in the still air, and Yuki had to stop himself from flinching. Keeping his back straight, he continued on his way into the bedroom without even so much as glancing back at his lover.

Shuichi let one tear slip down his cheek as he let himself out of the apartment. Yuki didn't want him there, so he wouldn't stay and bother him. He leaned his back against the door and slid down, tears pouring down his cheeks.

//Never made it as a wise man
Couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing...//

(Psycho gurl)

Slamming the door to his bedroom shut Yuki leaned back against it, arms crossing over his chest to clutch at his arms, willing the pain to stop. So many memories...too many. Slowly since Shuichi had arrived they had begun to surface. One by one, slowly. But memories were racing at him, threatening to tear him from what he had then, bringing him back to the scared teenager on the bloodstained wood of an already broken apartment.

He hadn't needed the memories, not then. Not when things were finally looking up. Shuichi didn't help, being there. Wide violet eyes, innocent, trusting. They portrayed too much of what he used to be, what he'd lost so long ago. He didn't need a mirror to show him that he'd become exactly what he feared, and Shuichi was himself, begging to be broken. He remembered the shattered hopes, the fear, the utter and completely loneliness he'd felt those few dreadful moments, and all the years afterwards.

// And this how you remind me
This is how you remind me...//

It had hurt ever since Yuki had paid the two men, but...nothing hurt more than when Yuki himself took his turn. He didn't know if anything could ever hurt him more than that. To be abused personally by someone you care about, hurt so much more than he'd ever imagined.

~"Are you two quite finished yet? Ten dollars isn't worth all that much." Eiri almost sobbed with relief as he felt the two bodies above him leave, as the air rushed back into his lungs. If he did, they only mixed with the tears shed earlier in pain and the blood and dirt smeared over his right cheek from where he'd had been slammed and pressed against the floor harshly.

"Sensei..." It hurt. It hurt. It really really... "Hurts." A sharp smack resonated in his ears and wide gold eyes flew open from where they had remained clenched shut. Sensei. He could see Sensei sitting in front of him, face contorted with anger, hand held in the air from where he'd smacked the other two across their cheeks sharply. Tears ceased as Eiri allowed himself the lingering hope that Sensei was going to save him.

"The boy specializes in looks, stupids! I've waited a long time for him!" Rough hands clenched at his face and he felt spit-moistened cloth running over his wounds, cleaning away the dirt and blood. Sensei's face was right there, a few short inches away, eyes sparkling in a scary fashion. Eiri ignored it however, at the fact that Sensei was there, cleaning the blood off and taking care of him. Yuki had always taken care of him. Always would take care of him.~

Yuki shivered as he remembered what had happened. Never had it been so clear to him since the day it had happened. He was glad for the slight comfort he'd received from not being able to remember such betraying thoughts for so long, but frustrated that they'd wormed their way back into his mind again. Clenching his eyes shut he slammed his head back against the door, trying to stop the constant torture, frustrated with the whole mess.

//This is how you remind me
Of what I really am //

Short fingernails scratched over the tiled floor as Shuichi clenched his hands tightly, breathing in gasps between sobs. What had he done so wrong this time? He hadn't been doing anything out of the ordinary, nothing. Fingernails continued to scratch over the floor as he felt more and more helpless, needed comfort more and more. However, that comfort wasn't going to come to him. Hiro was out of town with Ayaka, and Yuki didn't want him back in there. He was going to have to face this by himself.

"Shindo-san?" Tear-filled violet eyes opened slowly, adjusting to the light above them. Slowly Shuichi moved his gaze down to focus on a very confused-looking Seguchi Tohma. He jumped a bit when Shuichi first looked at him, but was now completely still, merely staring back at Shuichi as the tears continued to slide down his cheeks in streams. He was still breathing deeply, occasional sobs and pathetic whimpers surfacing every now and then, eyes sliding shut again after a while. He was slowly wearing himself out, and keeping his eyes open against what tears had dried was becoming a task.

It seemed like and eternity later when he heard soft sounds in front of him and felt himself held gently. Nothing like how Yuki held him when he was upset, but somewhat comforting in itself. Violet eyes opened again, looking up to see the face of Seguchi Tohma. He didn't look particularly interested or concerned, but the fact that he'd actually bothered comforting him was shocking and yet strangely calming for Shuichi. He rested his head against the red vest Tohma was wearing and allowed himself the comfort that Tohma was offering him. Whether he cared or not, the gesture was comforting in itself.

"What happened this time?" Tohma asked when he sensed that Shuichi had calmed down to a reasonable level. He was sure that the pink-haired idiot had done something stupid to upset Yuki again, whether he was aware of it or not. Either way, it must have really been something. Shuichi normally didn't let it get to him so much.

"I don't know. I was just sitting there and Yuki screamed at me and kicked me out. He was really mad..." he managed between sobs, his crying kicking back into full force again. Obviously it wasn't such a good idea to remind Shuichi of what had happened. Sighing Tohma pried Shuichi's hands off of him and stood up, patting the top of Shuichi's head sympathetically. He knew that Yuki wasn't one to inform his lover of every little pet peeve and problem of his, so Shuichi couldn't be held fully responsible.

"I'll talk to him about it," he offered and Shuichi nodded, whipping the tears from his eyes and scooting over so Tohma could open the door to the apartment. He tried to stop himself from crying, but he was having a hard time. Yuki really had seemed to detest him in those moments before he'd left the apartment.

Tohma's eyes widened as he took in the shape of the room. On the wall near the door a deep brown coffee stain was marking the wall quickly, running in streams down the smooth surface to do the same to the small rug over by that area. Shards of glass were spread all around the area, ranging from large pieces to pieces Tohma was sure he was going to have to vacuum up.

// This is how you remind me
Of what I really am //

Sighing he closed the door behind him and walked past Yuki's room towards the mess. He could hear something softly, but dismissed it as Yuki being his normal self and set to his task at hand, collecting the bigger pieces of the mug in the middle of the largest piece. It had always been his job to take care of Yuki, since before New York, even. It had become like a second nature to him, and it hurt when Yuki shoved off his help as nothing but pestering him.

After a long while carefully picking up whatever pieces of glass he could Tohma finally decided to take a small listen to what it was he was hearing. Leaning his ear against Yuki's door he listened carefully, not hearing much of anything from inside. Puzzled he walked around the room, leaving the shards he had collected where they were, as a sort of reminder that there was still broken glass there to be taken care of.

Sitting down on the couch he grabbed Shuichi's headphones, sliding them on over his own ears and immediately turning the volume down to where it wasn't threatening to make his ears bleed anymore. After only twenty seconds Tohma's eyes grew wide and he knew what was going on. Worse thing being, Shuichi had absolutely NO CLUE how hurtful the song could be to Yuki, and it was only Yuki's place to tell him such things, not his.

Shutting the door behind him Tohma turned to send a level stare at a very confused, very injured Shindo Shuichi.

"Yours?" he inquired as he held up the CD, keeping his tone and face neutral even though there was nothing he wanted to do more than smack some sense into Shuichi and berate him for listening to something he obviously didn't understand.

Shuichi shook his head slowly, tears threatening to fall from his eyes again. "It's Ryuichi's," he stated in his defense and Tohma sighed. He should have known. Only the idiot would give Shuichi such music knowing he barely knew how to introduce himself in English.

"Well...THIS is the source of your problems," he stated as he dropped the CD into Shuichi's lap, sitting on his knees in front of Shuichi so they were near eye-level. If Shuichi would have been anyone else he would have been screaming and scaring the shit out of them so they never did it again, but Shuichi didn't have a clue as to what he HAD been doing in the first place. Besides, those wounded violet eyes, the scared look on his face. It just reminded him too much of that night when Yuki...when just couldn't scream at someone who already looked like their life was over without a clue as to why.

// It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story//

Yuki swore at himself as his head throbbed in protest, holding it between his hands and shutting his eyes tightly against the pain. He could have sworn he'd heard something not too long ago, but he dismissed it easily as Shuichi grabbing his things or whatnot. He wouldn't be surprised if Shuichi left him now. Who wanted a broken, temperamental lover like himself? He sure as hell wouldn't have wanted to stay around.

/Eiri-chan, what's wrong? Don't try and tell me you're sad about that boy leaving./ Yuki shook his head sharply, cursing as it brought another wave of pain over his already throbbing head. He didn't want Shuichi to leave him, he really didn't, but he wouldn't stop him if he wanted to. He didn't want to hurt him anymore than he already had.

"Get out of my head, damnit. You're dead," he demanded at the voice that was currently torturing him. The voice of his teacher, the voice that had tormented his nightmares for who knew how long. The voice that always berated him on his shortcomings and problems. He'd always fought with himself like this, and every time a half of him fought as Yuki. He was SURE that half of him was the reasonable one, teaching him the correct way to do things.

/So are you. You're not the person you used to be. What would your darling little Shuichi do if he saw how messed up you really were? What do you think?/ Yuki clutched at his head tighter and curled his knees up to his chest pathetically. He had really hardly changed since that night in New York, it seemed. He was still a scared little child who didn't want anyone to leave him or forget about him.

"SHUT UP!" He hurt his head a great deal screaming like that, but he didn't care. This was the LAST thing he needed. Why had Shuichi had to listen to THAT song? On a full CD, why that ONE? His nerves had already been somewhat frayed that morning, and he obviously wasn't on a stable emotional level anymore.

/Eiri's all alone again. Eiri's all alone again/ the voice in his head chanted in a singsong little voice, torturing him slowly and painfully. Yuki didn't do anything to stop it this time, just let the little demons sing their song and held onto his head, not paying any mind to the tears that marked his face. /Aww. Come on Eiri, this isn't any fun if you give in like this. Or am I right?/

"You're right..." he managed in a soft whisper, hoping that he'd be satisfied and leave him alone. He was afraid of Shuichi leaving him, and Shuichi was going to leave him now. He was all alone, and he was scared. He wondered if Tohma would come this time and try to help him, or if even he'd give up on him. Everyone else had, why shouldn't he and Shuichi?

/Then do something about it./ Yuki blinked a couple times and let his hands drop from his head while he tried to understand what his teacher was trying to tell him. /If you're so afraid that Shuichi will leave you because of how you treat him, then do something about it. If you don't, then you're just sitting back waiting for him to leave you./ He smiled slightly at that. The soft, caring words, Sensei was trying to help him.

//This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breakin' //

It was a couple minutes after Tohma had explained that he left Shuichi to himself in front of their apartment. Shuichi had almost cried hard enough to kill himself afterwards, and Tohma had been somewhat worried about that fact. When you only hear someone stop crying every half-minute to breathe in deep gasps, you know you'd better calm them down quickly before they pass out from lack of oxygen or something.

Running fingers through tangled pink hair Shuichi stood up. He'd stopped crying a little before Tohma had left, and had been pondering how to fix things ever since. He still had no idea how he was going to go about things, but he knew he had to do SOMETHING before Yuki tossed him out for good for being so insensitive.

Opening the door slowly Shuichi blinked as he came face to face with a very exhausted, very depressed looking Yuki.


Yuki stared down at the distraught boy, his eyes unreadable. A rush of emotions flooded him and he struggled to push them down. He knew what he had to do, but his instincts had been honed so that it was more than natural to fight the overflow of feeling. Shuichi's wide eyes bore into his, uncertainty clouding in the depths of them. Yuki fought back a wince. It hurt him to see Shuichi like this, hurt even worse to know that he had been the one to make him look that way.

"...Yu...Yuki..." Shuichi's hesitant voice drifted to his ears, sounding hoarse and worn out. Yuki opened his mouth to say something, his mind racing furiously as it thought of what he could say to fix this wrong he had committed. He knew that it wasn't Shuichi's fault that he had reacted so badly, but he couldn't help but feel just a little betrayed. As if in some way, Shuichi should have known what he was listening to, should have known better than to play that particular song for him.

Regardless, he couldn't just leave his pink-haired boy on his doorstep, couldn't just keep the heart he had so viciously ripped out. He made to speak, not knowing what he would say, managing only a small guttural sound in the back of his throat before his voice died completely.

// I've been wrong, I've been down
Been to the bottom of every bottle //

Shuichi stared up at Yuki, his eyes wide with fright. It had seemed as if Yuki was about to say something but had stopped abruptly, staring intently at something in Shuichi's hands. Shuichi looked down and felt his heart drop. His hands were still holding on tightly to the CD Tohma had given back to him and he knew the last thing he needed was to remind Yuki of what had set him off in the first place. He took one trembling step forward, his eyes searching Yuki's frantically for some trace of forgiveness. Yuki's cold eyes stared back at him, eyes hard and devoid of emotion as he gazed at his little lover.

Yuki couldn't think, couldn't act. He knew what he had to do, but seeing that CD again just brought back everything. He knew what he wanted to do, but he would have had a hard time doing it on a normal day, much less after the events that had just occurred. But no matter what, he couldn't, he wouldn't let Shuichi slip away from him.

His mind was reeling as he turned to go back into the apartment, too confused to do anything, too scared of what he would do if he could.

Without another word, Yuki turned his back on Shuichi and retreated back into
the safety of his apartment, before pausing once more, his hand resting lightly on the edge of the door as if he meant to slam it closed. Shuichi's mouth went suddenly dry as he realized that this was good bye. That once that door was closed, he would never be allowed back into Yuki's life again. He could feel the tears welling up once more, his breath coming in short gasps as if to try and fill the sudden gaping hole in his chest.

Time seemed to stand still, in that moment, for Shuichi. His entire attention was focused on where Yuki's hand rested, deciding his fate. He was so entranced that it took him a few seconds to realize Yuki's movements. And stared.

// These five words in my head
Scream "Are we having fun yet?" //

The door was an open invitation to Shuichi; the retreating form of Yuki's back lulling him inside without resistance. He kept his eyes trained on the back of Yuki's head, as if afraid that if he looked away for one second Yuki would disappear. He no longer felt afraid or worried for himself, Yuki's reluctance to shut the door on him told Shuichi more than words could right now. His main concern was for Yuki.

Yuki made his way to the couch, head pounding, trying his hardest to be oblivious to the hesitant figure following behind him. He wanted desperately to turn around and take Shuichi into his arms, to apologize for the way he treated him, but found that even though his heart and mind urged him to do it, his body was too well trained. If he tried anything like it, he would most likely just end up shoving the boy away again. ::I'm sorry Sensei...I tried...:: He thought bitterly to himself, filled with the knowledge that he had let down the two people he had needed the most.

// Yet?, Yet?, Yet?, no no ...//

Shuichi stared mournfully as Yuki seemed to slump on the couch, cradling his head in his arms. He wished infinitely that he could go to him and make everything all right. He would gladly take all of the hurts and the pain onto himself if it would release Yuki from this torment. But even if he had the ability to do so, Yuki wouldn't let him. Yuki wouldn't let him that close.

Taking a step forward, mouth opening in anticipation of the words that would surely come to mind Shuichi stopped. Looking down he realized that he still held in his hand the CD that had caused this rift between them, and felt a bitter taste in his mouth. So much had occurred because of one simple song, one song he had been stupid enough to sing, one song that threatened to tear down the bridge he had built between himself and Yuki. He stopped; biting his lip as his eyes remained trained on his lover. He wanted to rage at the CD, to throw it across the room as Yuki had done his coffee. He wanted to hurt it like it had hurt him. Shuichi tightened his fingers on the CD, feeling the plastic biting into his palm as he came to a decision.

Yuki flinched as Shuichi's hand settled on his shoulder, wincing as the boy's weight settled down next to him. He didn't need this right now. Not when he couldn't even deal with himself. Sensei would be so disappointed at how he was acting, so very much like a young child throwing a fit. He didn't need Shuichi being so forgiving when he couldn't even forgive himself. Everyone had it wrong, even Sensei. He didn't deserve Shuichi. He deserved to be laughed at, shunned, forgotten. He couldn't deal right now.

Shuichi's eyes betrayed how hurt he was when Yuki winced away from his gentle touch, but his hands did not. Without hesitation he slid his arm around Yuki's waist, ignoring how tense and unforgiving his lover seemed. He had to make Yuki understand, he had to make him realize exactly how little of this was actually his fault.

// Yet?, Yet?, Yet?, no no...//

He stared over his shoulder at the CD he had left sitting beside the stereo. He would have to do something about that later, but for right now, it was fine where it was. Shuichi was startled when Yuki suddenly raised his arms and rested them lightly on the pink haired man's waist. He opened his mouth to say something, anything that would break the silence and tension between them. Closing it, he decided not to say anything after all. There wasn't anything for him to say. Everything was up to Yuki now.

Yuki didn't know what he was doing anymore. He had given up rationalizing, hell he carried on conversations with his dead teacher who he had shot. All that he cared about at this moment was how good it felt to be held by Shuichi. To think he had almost lost this, this warmth, this security because he was too stubborn to admit his feelings. It happened to frequently for Yuki to forgive himself of anything. He would lose his temper over ...something and afterwards vow to never do it again. But he had lived this way for too long to turn back now. He could only hope that Shuichi would stay that he could see through the false fa├žade that Yuki presented him.

Glancing to the side, his eyes fell on the CD lying discarded on the stereo stand. He felt his body begin to tense but after a moment relaxed once more into Shuichi's comforting embrace. The threat was no longer there, it was simply a plastic disk, not worth the emotional depth he attached to it.

Remembering a lyric from the song, he allowed himself a small smile as he tightened his hold on his lover.

//Are we having fun yet?//



Author's notes: have no idea how long this took to write...I got eternally sick of this fic after I started writing it and it was only because Pyscho-chan offered to write it in rounds with me that it ever got finished...I'm so sorry to everyone that my parts sucked...I was forcing it at the end (as is shown) and I sorry... they pale in comparison to Psycho Girl's... But anyways...thanks for reading it! (Even if it did suck...) and this is my first Gravi I ...well, I suck at them ^_^

Pyscho Girl's Author's notes: um...NICKLEBACK RULES!!! Don't blame me if my half sucks, I wrote most of it at school and on caffeine, so I had to force myself to be angsty (I can normally get into it within the first couple of sentences, but not on three Mountain Dews). Also, don't kill me. Anyone who knows me knows I have a slight addiction to screwing people's lives over in fanfics, I couldn't pass up such a golden opportunity when I got it. HER WHINING MADE ME DO IT!