Nightmares And Dreams
By Nadja Lee 17/12/00
English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.
Disclaimer: "X-men" and all the characters here belong to Marvel , 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.
Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.
Timeline: Set a little after the movie
Universe: Set in the movie universe. Only the movie NOT the book that goes with it!
Summary: Scott has a talk with Logan about his nightmares…and dreams.
Archiving: Want, ASK, take, have.
Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is firstname.lastname@example.org
Series/sequel: Sequel to "Marked By Darkness"
Warning: Mention of self-mutilation, depression, attempted suicide
Author's note: This one is for Jemisard who asked for this.
Note: I wrote this ages ago (as can be seen by the date) so please forgive the writing. However though I had forgotten about this one several others had not and wrote me as much; thank you all for that. This is for you and I hope you like it.
Thanks so much to Estelle for the Beta and kind suggestions to how I could improve this story. Thanks, lov. As always you were right *smiles*
*mmmm * is telepathically thoughts spoken in the mind. " mmmmm " is spoken out loud. // mmm// indicate flashback.
Logan awoke by the sound of a human voice. Without his supernatural hearing he would never have heard it. He lay still in bed, waiting to hear it again.
" Nooo……Don't…………Stop," the voice was weak and filled with suffering. It cut Logan's heart, especially as he recognized it as Scott's voice. Without thinking he ran out into the corridor dressed only in his boxers. His thoughts were simple; he needed to ease Scott's suffering. No one should hurt HIS Scott. No one. Not even in dreams. Scott was a part of his family, his pack, and if anyone wanted to hurt him they would have to go through Logan first.
Logan quickly reached Scott's room as it was right next to his, something that had given Logan great comfort as he would then be more able to watch over his family especially now when Rogue had her own room just on the other side of his. As Logan entered Scott's room he saw Scott lying curled up in a ball on the bed, mumbling small unintelligent words of suffering. Logan was torn between wanting to kill the man who had dared hurting HIS Scott, his mate, and taking Scott in his arms, comforting him. His love won over his anger and Logan carefully went to the bed and sat by Scott's bedside. Scott didn't seem to notice him even though his head was turned in his direction but Logan couldn't see if his eyes were closed or not because of Scott's red night goggles. He was still curled up in a ball, whispering words as if in great pain. Logan reached out a hand to touch Scott but he jerked back, caught in his own world of misery and pain. Logan was painfully reminded of how wrapped up in his own nightmarish dreams he could become; so caught in his own mind that he one time not long after he had met Rogue had almost killed her when she had tried to wake him from his dream.
" I'm not gonna hurt you," Logan said in as gentle a voice as he could. Very slowly Logan reached out his hand but lay it next to Scott's head. For a long while nothing happened and Logan felt himself losing hope. Scott seemed to fear him, something that Logan had thought could never happen.
Scott was caught in a world that existed only in his mind and memories. It was a world filled with hope and only withdrawal from the outside could protect him. If he curled up and tried to look as small as possible, maybe he wouldn't get noticed and there would be no pain. Suddenly a hand reached for him and Scott drew back in fear. He had been found. His heart pumped faster in fear as Scott waited for the pain that would surely follow. But there was no pain, only a gentle voice saying calming words. In his confused, half asleep and nightmare trapped mind nothing had come into focus but that voice did. He knew that voice. The owner of the voice had never hurt him and somehow Scott was sure he never would. Slowly, Scott reached out for him.
So slowly that it took a while for Logan to notice it, Scott moved his right hand towards Logan's and when he finally reached it Logan opened his palm. Hesitantly Scott lay his hand inside Logan's larger one. When Logan didn't close his hand around Scott's, he looked confused up at Logan. Didn't he want him? Had he done something wrong? Had he ruined everything?
" I'll never do anything you wouldn't want me to," Logan vowed sincerely. A very small smile curved Scott's lips and Logan felt warmth spread all over his body just because of that one smile. He did care and he did want him, Scott thought happily about Logan. Carefully he let his left hand close Logan's over his right one. Logan smiled softly and looked at their closed hands. There was no longer any doubt in Scott's mind; this was Logan beside him; the only man he knew who would never hurt him....ever. The only one he could trust completely and just maybe he was the only one who could help him escape the agonizing half memories that sometimes captured his mind at night and held his prisoner within its agony.
" Stay," Scott asked softly and the one word held a pleading edge that Logan had never heard before and never wished to hear again.
" Sure," Logan growled and he kept his promise. He sat by Scott's bedside the whole night, holding his hand. When the sun rose and Scott awoke from his first peaceful sleep in years, Logan had already left. Scott let a hand caress the linen where he had sat and felt the warmth in it from Logan's body. Remembering the security, warmth and love he had felt the night before being without Logan now made him feel more alone and cold than he ever had before.
"….then Remy said that we could go together and…" Rogue joyfully told of her latest meeting with the Cajun to Logan who sat next to her at the morning table. Rogue's green eyes noticed the circles around Logan's eyes that meant he hadn't gotten any sleep the earlier night. She wondered why. Maybe he had had another bad dream. She knew he sometimes had terrible painful dreams where he remembered and relived his operation where he was given his skeleton. Those nights his mind would get so wrapped up and caught up in another world and time; a world filled only with pain, that she had from personal experience learned that it was hard for him to separate dream from reality.
She followed Logan's gaze and saw that he was staring into his coffee mug as if it was the most interesting invention since that bobble gum Jubilee loved so much. Something was really troubling him, Rogue was sure of it.
" And then we went to the moon and made love," Rogue ended her tale, watching Logan's reaction.
" Oh, that's nice, kid," Logan just said as he kept staring at the mug. It wasn't even a nice mug. Just a plain green one without any logos. She didn't know that his thoughts were far away, on Scott, his own feelings, memories and nightmares.
" You aren't even listening to me," Rogue said accusingly and her sharp voice forced Logan's attention back upon her.
" I'm sorry, kid. I just have a lot on my mind," Logan admitted. Like a certain young mutant with red glasses.
" It's alright but are you okay?" Rogue asked concerned.
" Yeah, I'm fine."
" Rogue! Class started ten minutes ago," Ororo's voice sounded through the corridor and reached the kitchen.
" Ups." Rogue smiled sheepishly. " Got to go." She gave Logan a quick hug and left for class.
" Have fun," Logan yelled after her as she left. As he looked down upon the green mug his thoughts returned to Scott. He was worried for him. He wanted to protect him. If it wasn't because his presence seemed to distract Scott from his teachings he would have attended his class today, just to make sure nothing happened. Just to be with him. He looked at the mug again and a small smile spread over his lips. This was the mug Scott had mistaken for his. A softness lit up in his eyes and he placed both hands around the mug as if to protect it even if it only represented a memory of Scott. Scott. HIS Scott.
They hadn't talked about the night before and Logan didn't want to make Scott uncomfortable by bringing it up. No, he would let Scott come to him and explain when he was ready to do so; as he had said to Scott he didn't want to pressure him.
It was 4 in the afternoon and Scott's last class was over. As always Logan went to his class to walk with him as he used to. Scott would tell him of his day and Logan would tell of his. Sometimes they would eat out with or without Marie and sometimes they would eat with the other X- men. Logan hoped Scott would eat out with him alone and then tell him of his nightmares. He wanted to help but if he didn't know what was wrong how could he help? More than anything he wanted to know if Jack was still alive and if he was….Just the thought made his blood boil in rage. No one hurt his Scott. No one. He had just turned a corner and saw Scott and Jean talking. Scott said something and backed a little away from her. Jean said something with great gestures. Scott shook his head. Jean went to him, lay her arms around him and kissed him! She kissed Scott. HIS Scott. Without thinking, Logan growled warningly and ran to them. In seconds Logan had Jean pinched to the wall, one hand around her throat and the other hand with claws from it close to it.
" Mine. Stay away," Logan growled while Jean desperately tried to breathe and break his hold on her.
Scott looked surprised and taken back at Logan. He hadn't seen him since last night. He had been worried about meeting Logan again after what he had seen the night before, not because he had seen it but because he knew Logan would want to know what was the cause of his nightmares and Scott wasn't ready to tell him, not yet anyway. He wasn't afraid that Logan wouldn't understand; Logan was probably the only one who could understand what it was like to be trapped in a cross between a nightmare and a memory. He remembered that night where Logan had stabbed Rogue in the chest. Logan would never consciously hurt her but in his nightmarish state she had been an enemy. Yes, Logan would understand how it was to be trapped in a world of painful memories that seemed so real they were hard to break free from. When the nightmares came to him Scott wasn't even consciously aware of what he did, as Logan hadn't been consciously aware he was hurting Rogue until it was too late. Thinking back that night where he had realized Logan was also plagued by nightmares so painfully vivid they overtook ones mind...that night he had first realized that in Logan he had found someone who would understand him better than anyone else.
" Logan, release her," Scott demanded as his thoughts returned to reality and his attention to the scene before him. Sometimes Logan's temper got the better of him and this seemed like one of those times. To try and calm him down Scott lay a calming hand on his shoulder.
" No! No one touches what is mine," Logan said hotly, rage boiling within him. Mine?! Scott thought and frowned in annoyance. He was happy to hear Logan so obviously cared for him but he wasn't sure he liked the possessive edge in his voice.
" Let her go. It doesn't change anything," Scott said calmly and tried to reason with him. Jean meant a lot to him and Scott didn't want to see her hurt.
" Didn't….ah," Jean got out and tears formed in her eyes. She hadn't known Logan had become so close with Scott....hadn't even imagined it would happen.
" Mine!" Logan growled again at her and squeezed tighter around her throat. Without thinking much about the consequences of his actions Scott did the only thing he could think of to save Jean here and now. He caught Logan's lips and kissed him. In surprise Logan lost his hold on Jean who dropped to the floor and hurried away, knowing she would never again try and get Scott back.
Scott tried to draw back a little but Logan deepened the kiss and put his arms around the other man. The demanding and possessive edge to the kiss brought annoyance and an old fear fought in Scott's mind and he tried to pull free.
" Logan," Scott got out and his voice held a final edge. Logan drew back and Scott saw the rage disappear from his eyes. Scott would never fear him but he needed to learn that others would eventually touch him.
" I'm not gonna apologize," Logan growled and dragged Scott with him towards the kitchen. Scott knew everything had changed between them yet he also knew that this was not the time to discuss it. He wasn't sure if Logan was all right with him kissing him or if he even thought about him that way. He thought about what happened and came to the conclusion that Logan hadn't been mean to Jean on purpose but simply because he cared for him but did he loved him and love him as a....well, as a lover would? He didn't know but he knew Logan DID care so therefore he would let the incident pass but he'll see to it that it didn't happen again.
" You don't have to," something in Scott's voice made Logan cast him a quick glaze but it disappeared so quickly that Logan wasn't sure he had even heard it. Logan couldn't understand Scott's feelings towards their kiss. Logan had smelled that the other man was nervous and unsure and had let the incident pass but for Logan the kiss had made perfect sense. Scott was of his family, of his pack. He was his mate. Why shouldn't he claim him as his in every way?
Logan awoke by Scott's faint sounds of suffering and his heart began to pump wildly in his chest in fear. Not again, he thought sadly as he again ran to his room. As he opened the door to his room he saw Scott standing in the middle of the room, holding a knife in his left hand and looking utterly lost. He wore only boxers like Logan himself but his face seemed....closed, as if he was trapped in a world only he could see.
" Oh, no" Logan gashed as he saw blood running down Scott's arms from small cuts. The cuts were made with the veins and not across them so there was no danger of him bleeding to death. As he looked closer he saw that there were a lot of old scars running the same way on his arms. The scars didn't make any pattern but they seemed to have been craved with the utmost care and precision. Logan quickly went closer to Scott but stopped before he reached him, but quite sure how he would react to him being there. It was damn frustrating that he couldn't see Scott's eyes due to the red shades, it made reading the other man very hard.
" Give me the knife," Logan asked softly, pain in his voice over the agony he knew Scott must be in. Not from the cuts because they weren't that deep but the pain he felt within. He knew from himself that if the pain within got too much to bear and it was too hard to explain then having a visible pain on the outside kind of helped. It was easier to explain you hurt if you could point at it for all to see.
Scott looked at the knife and then at Logan. The thoughts that ran through his mind were confused and pain filled. He couldn't explain this, he couldn't say in words how he hurt inside. Suddenly earlier that night everything had seemed to fall apart and he had fallen into deep depression. No one cared, he was a nobody, would never among to anything....just like he had been told as a child. Memories had floated his brain, memories of pain and humiliation. He had tried to find a flicker of light to hold on to, something anything but found none. When Xavier had first found him he had told him to flight the darkness within, to find an anchor. Earlier that anchor had been Jean but what was his anchor now? Logan had come to mind but fear and uncertainty had clouded his thoughts. Logan was just being kind, he didn't really care.....he didn't love him. All the pain, confusion and uncertainty had made him do something he hadn't done for some time now; he had cut himself. He had needed somewhere to hurt, something real. It eased the pain within and made him thinking of something else while he carefully craved the cuts like his arms. Every time he drew blood he always stared at it with morbid fascination and wondered how it would be to let all his blood run out of him. Just....let go. It seemed so easy, so peaceful.
Slowly he raised the blade, pointing it at Logan's stomach. Logan didn't even flinch. He trusts me, Scott thought in wonderment. He trusts I won't hurt him. Feeling like he had broken a precious jewel by even thinking of raising the weapon at Logan Scott took the knife with his other hand and gave it to Logan, shaft first. Logan took it and placed it at the table near by.
" I wouldn't have hurt you," Scott mumbled, not looking into Logan's eyes though he knew Logan wouldn't be able to see his eyes anyway. He felt foolish now, stupid...lost and confused. Logan would surely think him weak and insane now.....he would leave. The thought almost broke him.
Logan went back to Scott and gently guided him to the bathroom.
" I know but you wanted me to hurt you," Logan said softly as he placed Scott by the sink and turned on the water. He reached for Scott's hands and Scott lay his hands in Logan's who put them under the water. The silence that settled between them pained Scott.
" I….I needed…," Scott tried to explain but then stopped as he didn't know what to say or how to explain. What he had done couldn't be explained....it was a feeling, something....within.
Logan carefully and gently washed Scott's arms and dried them. He was relieved as he saw that it was indeed only tiny scars. He had known it would be but he had feared for him anyway.
" You needed your body to express the pain you felt inside," Logan whispered softly and the way he said it made Scott turn his shaded eyes at him. How did he know? How could he possibly understand?
" Yeah," he admitted softly.
" It never works," Logan said darkly, pushing unpleasant thoughts and memories aside. He guided Scott to the bed and Scott got in under the covers. So young and valuable he looked right now, Logan thought with a mix of love and pain.
" You…tried?" Scott asked surprised. He had always thought Logan to be a strong man. Nothing could bring him down. Or so he had thought. Logan sat down on the bed beside Scott.
"Right after I woke up after the operation. I was alone, naked, cold and in a forest. I was very confused, I didn't understand anything. I couldn't remember anything. I had no memories. Then the nightmares began....." Logan had to stop as he felt those same memories try and overtake him. Gods, how they had plagued his every minute; day and night. So intense, so filled with pain. In the end he hadn't known what was nightmare and what was real.
" ...and I wanted to die. It was all too confusing. Too….painful," his voice was low as he remembered the worst years of his life. It was that way he had discovered that no matter what he had done, he couldn't seriously hurt or kill himself. As time had passed the nightmares had finally lost some of its intensity and Logan had been able to begin what just resembled a normal life instead of running around in the forest; lost, naked, alone.....more beast than man.
" I'm so sorry," Scott said softly, tears in his eyes for the other man's pain. Logan took hold of Scott's hand and said warmly,
" It's alright. We are together now." When he was with Scott his own pain dimmed and the nightmares lost some of their intensity. Together....that sounded good. Never alone again.
Together? Scott thought puzzled. Did Logan....was there a chance? Could it be....that he cared, really cared for him? Scott looked at Logan sitting by the bed for a long time before asking softly into the stillness;
" Stay with me?" And moved away from Logan and patted the bedside next to him. Logan smiled and got under the covers beside him. Maybe Scott wanted more than what they had? Just maybe...
" Of course," he whispered and had to restrain himself from taking the other man in his arms. To his joy Scott nestled up to him and lay his head on Logan's chest. Logan felt a sense of peace for the first time in a long while. He tightened his left arm around Scott and stroked his hair with his other hand. This was his Scott, his mate and no one would ever take him away from him again.
Scott awoke the following night by a scream of suffering. To his fear and surprise it wasn't his own. Logan's presence the other night had granted him a peaceful sleep this night but he had missed Logan's warmth and protective arms. Scott stiffened as he recognized the scream as Logan's. He ran from his room and into Logan's. Logan was twisting and turning in bed, mumbling words of nonsense but with a pained edge that cut Scott's heart. He feared that his actions the other night had brought Logan's nightmares back. He went to Logan's bedside.
" Logan, wake up. It's Scott. There is nothing to fear. I'll be here for you," Scott's gentle voice brought Logan back. He opened his eyes and saw a man standing over him. Without thinking he popped his claws and with a yell pointed them at Scott.
" Logan…" Scott said but his voice didn't hold fear. Logan would never hurt him, he had complete faith in that. Even in his nightmare clouded mind that voice cut through. This was his mate. The man he would rather die than hurt. Logan's claws stopped millimetres from Scott's chest. Scott looked with his red night goggles first at the claws and then at Logan.
" I knew you wouldn't hurt me." He hadn't moved an inch. Logan drew his claws back, sorrow and pain in heart. He had almost hurt him. He had almost hurt his mate.
" Sorry," he whispered and drew a hand through his messy hair. Scott sat on his bedside.
" Want to talk about it?" Scott asked gently.
" Not really."
The voice was so pain filled it cut Scott's heart. He needed to talk about it, they both needed to talk. If ever they should have anything together, something stronger...they needed not only faith but also trust. Maybe this time it was him who should take that first step. He had seen last night how Logan cared for him.....he could also trust him. He wanted to trust him....he needed to.
" I…..I have nightmares. About Jack. About what he did….About the darkness," Scott's voice was soft and low as he desperately tried to explain without remembering which was hard. Logan reached out his hand and Scott took it. Holding on to it as if Logan was the only secure thing in an insane world. Logan's touch brought him the courage to continue explaining.
" I'll see him coming for me in the dark as he used to. I…didn't get my glasses till much later. While I lived with Jack I was blind. The darkness was the worst. I didn't know from where he would come, where the next blow would strike….I don't even know what he looked like because I only saw him when I was four but in my nightmares….I see someone but I can't make out his face," Scott took a deep breath and a tear rolled down his cheek. Damn, he didn't want Logan to see him break down, to be weak. He should be here for Logan, not the other way around.
" It's alright," Logan whispered and gently whipped the tear away. He wished he had someone to take his fury over the mistreatment of his mate out on but there was none. If Scott couldn't remember Jack's face….Damn, how he would have loved to kill the man, seeing the life leave his eyes forever. Scott seemed to sense Logan's distress because he got under the covers and when Logan opened his arms in invitation, not pushing but hoping, Scott went into Logan's embrace and laid his head on his chest. To calm himself Logan stroked Scott's thick brown hair. Scott had shown him trust...complete trust. He needed to do the same.
" I…I see men, standing over me. They are experimenting on me. It's all very confusing. There is pain and needles and…..I…I see faces but I can't remember who they are," Logan said softly as he continued to stroke Scott's hair.
Scott lifted his head from Logan's shoulder and smiled through tears at him;
" Stay with me tonight?" He asked softly. Logan wiped the tears from his cheeks.
" Tonight and for the rest of my life," Logan mumbled, hoping he hadn't driven Scott away with his bluntness. Maybe he didn't feel the same, maybe he still loved Jean. As if knowing his thoughts, Scott placed a hand on Logan's cheek.
" Look at me," he asked and Logan turned to met his shaded eyes.
" I don't love Jean. What you saw was Jean who kissed me not the other way around. I was trying to say we were through as she kissed me. She isn't the one for me, you are," Scott said sincerely, knowing now what he wanted, what he needed.
" Mine. My mate," Logan said, his voice holding a protective and possessive edge as he drew the other man nearer. Scott smiled warmly at him. His possessiveness didn't bother him anymore because he now knew it was filled with love but also a deep uncertainty. He knew Logan would never hurt him and in time.....he would see that he would never lose his love.
" I am yours," Scott reassured him, knowing he would probably have to say it many times still until Logan believed him but it was worth it. "I love you," Scott said softly, meaning it with all his heart and leaned closer for a kiss.
" Love you too," Logan answered and claimed his lips with his own. Logan pulled Scott down on the bed with him and deepened the kiss.
Scott awoke later that night to find Logan looking at him. He smiled warmly. Logan was still with him.......everything seemed so much brighter and better. He had never known lovemaking could be so soft, gentle and perfect as earlier that night. He hadn't thought Logan could be so gentle....nor that sex could be about love and only love; not desire or need.
As Logan's eyes continued to stay on him he wondered why. His eyes were warm and weren't uncomfortable to Scott, on the contrary the warmth and heat in them made him blush.
" What are you looking at?"
" The most beautiful man I have ever seen and he is all mine," Logan said as he looked at Scott's naked form lying beside him. Self-conscious and embarrassed Scott pulled the covers closer up around him to cover his scared chest.
" No, don't," Logan asked and stopped Scott's hand. The look of love and desire in Logan's eyes made Scott drop the sheet. Logan reached over and followed a scar on Scott's arm. With amazing gentleness he bent down and kissed it.
" You…You are not repulsed by it?" Scott asked surprised, joy and warmth in his voice.
" 'Cause not. It is a part of you," Logan answered, not understanding why he should be repulsed by it. It was a part of Scott, a part of what made his mate the man he was and so he loved it.
" I love you. You have done so much for me," Scott whispered and leaned in for a kiss. " You have helped me and in time I know…you'll heal me."
Logan understood his meaning and knew the reverse was also true.
" Having you near makes me whole. Love you," with that he sealed their pact of love with a kiss.
Ororo had heard voices and had knocked on the door to Logan's room for minutes without an answer and opened the door to see if everything was all right. What she saw was Scott and Logan bathed in moonlight in a passionate embrace so she softly closed the door again. She smiled for herself. Things had turned out just right. Tonight a bond of love had been forged that nothing could break. A pact had been sealed that no man could come between. Logan and Scott owned more than a piece of each other hearts; they owned a piece of each other souls. Ororo smiled warmly and the stars shone brightly to reflect her feelings as they let a silverlight bathe lovers in their light.