Date: 11th February 2000
Category: Frank/Rachel romance
Disclaimer: *sigh* I don't own 'em, I just work with them. Frank & Rachel belong to Hal, Southern Star and all the rest. Rat belongs to Julia, and It belongs to Cam. And both are used with permission from those two wonderful people!
Dedication: this is dedicated to my Queen of Fluff Julia. Even though she's not writing fic anymore (*sigh*), I hope you're reading this Jules. This is for you to help get over that flu.
Summary: We all love challenges, especially Rachel and Frank. But really, just who is challenging who here?
Warning: well my editors and betareaders (who will remain anonymous) were divided as to whether this needed a warning or not. But things do begin to get a little steamy in here. So be warned.
Rat sat perched on the edge of the bathtub. The tub was filled with water and floating just out of the cat's reach was a yellow rubber duck with Blues Brothers style sunnies. Rat reached out and tapped the duck with his paw but it just bobbed up and down and floated further away.
'What is that funny yellow thing, and why won't it talk to me?'
Rat liked to be friendly and he was upset that this creature was ignoring him. He reached out again to tap the duck, but it was just out of his reach, and he overbalanced
Rachel stretched her aching legs as she slipped out of her suit. As she walked towards the bathroom she heard a high-pitched miaaaooowww and an almighty splash. She ran in to find Rat struggling to swim towards the rubber duck - which was still bobbing up and down.
"Oh Rat! What are you doing?" said Rachel as she fished him out of her bathtub.
"Miaow!" the cat replied. 'I was just being friendly but that yellow thing with glasses wouldn't talk to me.'
Rachel rubbed Rat dry with a towel, and was suddenly turned off the idea of a long hot soak when she saw the cat hairs floating in the tub. Sighing, she pulled the plug and rescued David's rubber duckie.
After throwing on some bummy clothes Rachel took Rat downstairs and placed him in his basket. She told him to try and keep out of mischief.
Feeling peckish but not extremely hungry, Rachel scanned the fridge for something to eat. She eventually pulled out some salad vegetables. She got out a sharp knife and picked up a firm, ripe tomato.
At that moment Rat looked up from his toy mouse - who also wasn't being very friendly - and was stunned by the scene before him.
'What is my mummy doing? She must have gone mad - she's going to kill that poor red thing!'
Rat leaped from his basket. But still being wrapped in a fluffy bath towel he landed in a tangled heap on the floor. He struggled to free himself, and then he jumped onto the bench.
"Rat!" said Rachel, as she put down the knife and picked the cat off the bench.
As she put him down on the floor there was a knock at the front door. Rachel went to answer the door and Rat jumped back up onto the bench and pawed the innocent tomato.
'Hello, I just saved your life. My mummy must be feeling a bit sick because she doesn't usually kill things.'
Getting no response from the tomato, Rat pawed it again 'My name's Rat, what's yours?'
Rat began to feel very upset, as no one was being friendly today 'First that yellow thing which tried to drown me, then I didn't eat that mouse but he wouldn't talk to me, and now I saved this red thing's life - but he won't talk to me either.'
Just as Rat was about to start crying, his mummy walked back in with a visitor.
"Miaaaooowww!" said Rat as he saw who it was 'Daddy! I'm so glad you're here, because mummy was about to kill this poor little red thing'
And then Rat noticed that Frank was carrying some shopping bags in one hand and a cat cage in the other!
Frank opened the travel cage and out stepped a dizzy It.
'It!' screamed Rat, as he jumped down from the bench.
'Oh Rat, I just had a really bad trip in one of those big things on wheels. My daddy can't use them very well.'
'Well my mummy is really good at using them, they always do what she wants. But It, I'm so glad you're here. A mean yellow thing tried to drown me, and that mouse wouldn't talk to me, and then my mummy almost killed that red thing up there - and I saved it's life but it didn't say a thing'
As the two cats wandered off happily in conversation, Frank and Rachel were discussing food options.
"Well I was about to make a salad," said Rachel, "but I d'no what I feel like eating."
"Well I bought supplies," said Frank.
"Beer?" asked Rachel.
"'course!" replied Frank, lifting his shopping bags onto the bench.
"Let's see" said Rachel. "Bananas? Ice cream, nuts, cherries, beer, chocolate topping, whipped cream Frank what is this?"
"Well I had a craving for a banana split," Frank said sheepishly.
Rachel rolled her eyes as she opened a can of beer and went and flopped onto the couch.
Many beers later Frank stood up from the couch and walked unsteadily towards the kitchen.
"It must be time to split the bananas!" he said dramatically.
Rachel had already been tired, and the alcohol had quickly gone to her head and she was feeling very merry. She was giggling as she picked up a banana - which was never a good sign with Rachel.
"Frank, do you know what they use bananas fro at school?" she whispered.
"Don't be silly!" scoffed Rachel. "They use plastic bananas in health education."
Rachel's words were slightly slurred and Frank tilted his head and looked at her. "You're completely pissed Goldstein."
"Yep!" she replied. "And so are you Holloway. And *don't* interrupt by banana story so they have plastic bananas for health education. And when they take the banana skin off, underneath - there's not a plastic banana, but" she leaned forward to whisper in Frank's ear, " there's a plastic penis!" Rachel broke into fits of laughter with the last word. It made her giggle and blush like an innocent schoolgirl.
Frank looked intently at her, thinking hard. "Why do they need a plastic banana-penis?" he asked seriously.
"To practice!" replied Rachel.
"What," said Frank, wide-eyes, "to practice" and he made a circle with two fingers and poked another finger through the middle.
Rachel giggled. "No!" she squawked. "Don't be disgusting Francis! To practice" she lowered her voice, "to practice putting on condoms." Once again she giggled uncontrollably.
Frank sat pondering the happenings of health education classes.
Rachel picked up the chocolate topping and a mischievous look flashed across her eyes. As she pretended to make a banana split she ordered Frank - "Take off your shirt!".
"Duh! Coz everyone knows you can't eat a banana split with your clothes on."
"Ohh," said Frank, as he took off his shirt. She then sent him back to the other room and told him to wait for his dessert.
Frank could hear Rachel using the can of whipped cream - she must be putting a lot on the banana splits. "Hey Rach!" he yelled, "I don't want too much cream!"
A few minutes later he looked up and saw Rachel in the doorway. At first he wasn't sure if he was just drunk and had gone crazy, but then he realised that it was Rachel who was drunk and crazy.
She stood in the doorway holding the bottle of chocolate topping, and wearing nothing but her knickers and cream.
Yes, Rachel had stripped almost bare, and instead of a bra, her breasts were liberally covered with whipped cream.
She walked towards him with a cheeky grin on her face. "Still don't want too much cream Frank?"
He was paralysed, mesmerised. He couldn't move.
She stood over him on the couch and seductively licked her lips. She twisted open the lid on the chocolate topping, an in a slow, sultry movement, she tipped it over Frank's bare chest.
She sat down on his lap facing him, and ran her hands through the sticky, chocolaty mess.
Frank was still sitting in shock.
"Don't you want dessert?" asked Rachel.
He just looked at her.
She pushed him back into the couch and started to clean his chest with her mouth. Feeling her lips, her tongue, on his chest finally made Frank realise this was actually happening. It wasn't just another fantasy.
Rachel was working her way across Frank's chocolate-coated chest, and he leaned down and began nibbling at her neck. He moved his mouth down her body and she stopped her cleaning job to give him easier access to her newly-invented dessert.
Even through her intoxicated state, Rachel felt a strange powerful surge of passion and emotion as Frank's mouth began to cleanse the cream from her breasts.
It suddenly became more than just a silly, drunken, sexy game. Years of tension came to the surface, and the desires of both detectives merged into one.
Their mouths finally met, and the chocolate topping and cream became an un-noticed sticky mixture as the two bodies became entwined.
In the corner Rat and It sat watching their mummy and daddy.
'It, I've been meaning to ask you something why do our mummy and daddy spend hours cleaning out each other's mouths?'
- - - - -