First off, if anyone gets butthurt because of this story, then mission accomplished! Next, I'd like to thank the various members of the JetPack Servers' '24/7 JETPACK SERVER ReMIXED' whose names and likenesses I used, without their permission of course, for existing. This story will start out slightly humorous, and then get slightly heavy near the middle, then lightly out near the end. Finally, this story is, for all intents and purposes, a satire of the JetPack community's response to the increasing amount of 'My Little Pony' faggotry that has infected Team Fortress 2: We're sick of it. If you are a pony lover, this is not your story, so go home, grab some thick rope, tie it around your neck and hang yourself, please.
This compendium is a collection of short stories covering a single arc in the JetPack Server's fanfiction section. All of them are connected around a central motif, but can be read individually from one another. The stories used were 'The Legends of JetPack; The Knights of JetPack', 'The Legends of JetPack; Battle of the Rust Bowl', and 'Letters to Rebbecca'. I have broken these stories down into smaller sections that can, themselves, stand alone, but also to allow for a more fluid chronology. When viewing the various 'Letters to Rebbecca', please keep in mind that these are loosely based off the letters I regularly sent to my then fiance during my service in Afghanistan, and these individual segments act as breaks in the overall arc while providing a background story. They are positioned to loosely follow the story proper. On a final note, the names and people used in this story are not original characters - they represent real members of the JetPack community, and I have stayed true to their personality to the best of my ability.
So, with that out of the way, I present to the rest of you normal viewers;
The Legends of JetPack; The Rust Bowl Compendium
A Story by Gustauve Drakenhime, and a gift to the members of the JetPack Server
Ah, another glorious day on the JetPack server!
Yes, there's no place quite like it; a magical land full of mystery and wonderment! A land where the very skybox is the limit – where blood and rockets fall like rain and a cacophony of strange noises and exhilarating music fills the air. A place where both simpleton and psychopath meet and frolic/murder amongst the metaphorical poppy fields of unadulterated wonder! A magical land filled with butthurt and douche-baggery, where people explode for no other reason than that it's just funny, and rainbows fly out of Sebass' ass! Yes, there truly is no place quite like the JetPack server! But all is not well in this wondrous place of fun and mayhem. And it is here that our story truly begins.
The mighty and ostentatious Primary Law Enforcer X, or P.L.E.X, lord primogenitor and virtual paradigm overseer of JetPack, felt the tremulous portents of things to come, and in all of his artificially splendorous and digital wisdom did he thus convene the Council of the JetPack; an ancient and secretive group, whose history spans back all of six months ago! And it was at this council that the fate of the server, and indeed all of the interwebs, would be decided.
We find ourselves privy to this meeting through the glories of the fourth wall effect…
High above the tallest mountains, in the deepest part of the great skybox of JetPack lore, hovers the Great Temple From Old, (or GTFO for short) a dizzying structure of gothic spires and flying buttresses – its mighty walls are built of great crack-cocaine stones and inlayed with crystal meth windows, where fountains of heroin accentuate verdant gardens of cannabis, and its vaulted hallways are lit with the smoky incandescence of a hundred thousand opium lamps, and running through its great estates, a river of morphine, shimmering beneath the sun as if it were a field of diamonds; It is from here, on the precipice of Nirvana itself, that the great and powerful P.L.E.X doth reign!
In the throne room/ kitchen of the GTFO, the meeting was nearly ready to commence, with such titans as Gavitro of the Butthurt, Sebass the Queer Licker, LemonCake of the Sippy Cup, Flanny the Quintessential, Somedude of the Locker Room, Gustauve the Cruel and Unusual, Remi the Awkward, Kenny the Communist, Wheatley the Rat Rider, PolarStar the Unbearable and Gedab the Fudge Packer (all of whose monikers are complete bullshit… accept for maybe Sebass.) Would that only P.L.E.X were to arrive soon! In the meantime, the council kept itself occupied with those matters that were deemed vital to the survival of the server; namely, dicking around.
The refrigerator was slammed closed as Sebass announced, "Uh, guys, we're sort of out of milk." From a dark corner near the microwave, Wheatly observed in her lilting, synthetic manner, "I just saw a five liter jug of milk in there not 3 minutes ago." "Oh, yeah," he replied, "I sort of used that up already…" Turning from a conversation between himself and Remi, Flanny asked, "How on earth could you have possibly used up that much milk so quickly?" From a nearby chair, Kenny boisterously exclaimed, "He was probably pouring it all over himself again – you really need to stop doing that, man, it's not cool." A string of laughter and guffaws quickly followed, as Sebass pulled out some excuse about needing to get more Vitamin D or some such nonsense. The merriment was cut short however when P.L.E.X, riding an aluminum chariot pulled by a hundred ferrets and held together by the tears of a thousand prepubescent gamers came squeaking into the meeting place. The council could finally convene!
Quirking a brow at such an entrance, PolarStar was the first to speak, "P.L.E.X – so kind of you to finally join us." Kenny quickly interjected, "Where the hell have you been, man? We've been here for hours!" Having no true face with which to convey emotions, P.L.E.X could only shrug and reply, "Sorry guys, I had to take a major dump, it was pretty serious business." Everyone nodded in acquiescence - taking a dump was indeed a serious matter. Gedab was next to break the silence, "Why are we here, P.L.E.X?" Seemingly ignoring the question, P.L.E.X went on to say, "You're all probably wondering why you are here, so I will get to the point of the matter – the server is in grave peril." A collective gasp filled the room as the council muttered amongst one another, trying to discern what could possibly threaten their beloved server.
Many of them could scarcely conceive of anything that could possibly harm JetPack, whilst others had their suspicions. But sadly, none could have conceived how completely dire the situation truly was, as P.L.E.X elaborated further; "Yes, I'm afraid that scourge foretold of in the Great Book of Pootis has risen, and shall soon descend upon our fair server; the Great Cancer is coming, and we must prepare." Cries of horror and outrage sprang forth and an upwelling of despair nearly overcame all who were present. "No!" Gavitro cried, "Not here, not now!" LemonCake nearly choked on his own bile as he rasped, "Impossible, it can't be!" Sebass nearly broke down in hysterics as he wailed, "Please God, no, please no!" And though P.L.E.X wished he could alleviate their fears, he knew that no amount of soliloquy or supple words could gloss over the ugly truth; the Bronies were coming…
From his perch against the Lazy Susan, Gustauve growled out, "Fucking pony-loving horse-fuckers, coming into servers and ruining it for everyone else." A glassy-eyed look of reminiscence covered his face as he continued in his deep, baritone voice, "I've seen it all before, on the Pootis Server; they start out harmless enough, a few one line references here, a pony-meme joke there, but soon enough more and more of them come, bringing their horrible pony-themed names and dumb-assed clan tags, getting into long faggoty-assed discussions about the gayest things pertaining to their fandom, and soon enough, every other spray is pony-pornography!" A vicious hatred filled his voice as he went on, marked by the subtle twitching of his eye as he recalled the horrors of a time long passed to memory, locked away in a vault of nightmares that were too real.
"By the time we realized that we had a problem, it was damn near to late – they had plants in the administration, double-agents who worked to divide us and sabotage our efforts at curtailing the cancer as it spread; soon enough, anyone who spoke out against the darkness that was chocking our once verdant garden of paradise was ostracized and in the case of some of the more vocal opponents, banished from the land for all eternity." He began to tremble as he finally recalled the worst moment of the scourge, "In those final days, before those of us who were left of the original Pootisians disbanded and went our separate ways, the true horror of the Bronies was revealed; they hijacked the server and began to shape it to their wretched whims, to reflect on the outside the evil that lay within them."
"The land was changed irrevocably, turned into a hellish nightmare of bright and happy queer-ass neon colors, filled with a wretched sense of artificial cheer that made even the strongest of us want to vomit." "The atmosphere changed, too." He continued, "No longer the sounds of gun fire and shenanigans, but something wholly altogether more unpleasant: recorded My Little Pony songs set on a loop track that never, ever ended – the very air became poisonous to those who had once inhabited the Pootis server; but even then, some of us held out for a miracle, but by that time, even God himself seemed to abandon us, as the final horror was revealed!" He began to tremble as he recalled the final days of the Server he had once helped to build, a single tear trailing down his face as he cried out, "The players themselves began to change, no longer human, but some sort of sick twisted abomination – half man, half pony, leaving trails of glitter and blatant homosexuality in their wake, there was no opt out measure, no way of remaining human on the server, and it was that which finally forced us to realize that the server we knew and loved was dead, and had been dead for quite some time…"
Finally ending his story, it took all of his effort to not break down into a gibbering mess, and while Gavitro tried to console him, PolarStar turned to P.L.E.X and asked, "Is there nothing we can do to prevent this from happening to us as well?" The great enforcer took time to collect himself and replied, "That is precisely why I have called this meeting into order; the Coucil of the JetPack was created for this very reason – as a bulwark against the wretched evil that is the 'My Little Pony' fandom." Turning to look at them all, he further elaborated, "Each of you has something that can work to thwart the pony scourge; ear-splitting mic-spam, trollish wit, unyielding anger, bitch-moves, and adminz-aboose – each of you must work as one to ensure the most Brony hostile atmosphere imaginable."
"As such, I have decided that they Council of the JetPack will be no more, for in its place shall be a new order, an order of Knights who will stand together in fidelity to the defense of our glorious server of JetPack, and it shall be henceforth known as the 'Knights of… er… JetPack, I guess." While the name wasn't exactly awe-inspiring, the former council could not help but agree, and so with a rousing cheer, the council was officially disbanded and in its place the Knights of JetPack arose!
To make it official, P.L.E.X reached into the back of his ferret-drawn chariot and withdrew a plastic lightsaber, with which he began to christen the knights, starting with PolarStar. "No longer are you to be known as PolarStar the Unbearable – on this day you will be known as PolarStar Antibronius Maximus." Turning next to Gedab, he said, "And you, Gedab the Fudge Packer, you shall henceforth be known as Gedab of the Meatlocker." Turning then to Gustauve, who with the help of Gavitro managed to stop acting like such a big baby, he declared "You will no longer go by the title of 'Cruel and Unusual', but shall hereby be known as Gustauve, Destroyer of Dreams."
And so he progressed from one to the next; Sebass the Queer Licker became Sebass, Lord of Playdoh, Gavitro of the Butthurt was rechristened to Gavitro the Untrollable, Kenny the Communist then became Kenny the Revolutionary, LemonCake of the Sippy Cup became LemonCake of the Jigsaw, Wheatley the Rat Rider was reborn as Wheatley the Chode Grinder, Flanny the Quintessential became Flanny the Ecumenical, Remi the awkward would henceforth be known as Remi, Rider of Bikes, and finally, Somedude of the Locker Room was born again as Somedude from the Glue Factory.
With the final knighthood bestowed, the ceremony was complete, and with a shout, P.L.E.X declared, "You are now the Knights of JetPack, and it will be through you and by the grace of Almighty God himself that we will attempt to turn back that tide of filth that is upon us!" It was then that a light from the heavens fell down upon them, and a voice like thunder burst forth, saying, "Right on."
And so, another chapter in the legend and lore of JetPack has begun, and the trials that we all will soon face will not be met alone!