Hello all! Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Blessed Kwanza and Festivus for the Restofus! I hope you all rang in the new year pleasantly! Since 'tis the season, I thought I'd leave you all this little tidbit of American Christmas Cheer. A Hogwarts retelling of How the Grinch Stole Christmas. If you're not familiar with the story, I highly suggest you go online and read it, or else this will make no sense to you at all! But if you're like me and know all the words already by heart, read on dear reader, and enjoy!
The Slytherin who Stole Christmas
Every witch and wizard
Liked Christmas a lot...
Who lived in the dungeon
Snape hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season!
Now please don't ask why, no one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his teeth weren't screwed in quite right.
It could be perhaps that his vest was too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
But whatever the reason
His teeth or his vest
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the fest
Staring down from the Astronomy tower with a sour Snape sneer
At the noisey Great Hall filled with Christmas cheer.
For he knew every witch and wizard in Hogwarts beneath
Was busy now hanging a mistletoe wreath.
"And they're hanging their stockings," he snarled with a sneer
"Tomorrow is Christmas! Its practically here!"
Then he growled with his long fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"
For tomorrow he knew
All the Hogwarts girls and boys
Would wake bright and early, they'd rush for their toys
And then! Oh the noise! Oh the noise noise noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE NOISE NOISE NOISE!
Then the Wizards, young and old would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast and they'd feast
And they'd FEAST FEAST FEAST FEAST!
They would start on House Elf pudding and rare Wizard Roast Beast!
(Which was something Snape couldn't stand in the least.)
They'd do something he liked least of all
Every witch and wizard in Hogwarts, the tall and the small
Would stand close together with Christmas bells ringing
They'd stand hand in hand and they would start singing!
They'd sing and they'd sing!
And they'd SING SING SING SING!
And the more Snape thought of the Hogwarts Christmas-Sing
The more Snape thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
Why for sixteen years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Christmas from coming!
Then he got an idea!
And awful idea!
Snape got a wonderful, awful idea!
"I know just what to do!" Snape laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santy Clause hat and a coat.
And he chuckled and clucked, "What a great Slytherin Trick!
With this coat and hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!
All I need is a reindeer..."
Snape looked around
But since reindeer are scarse, there was none to be found.
Did that stop old Snape?
NO! Snape simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"
So with a wave of his wand he conjured a doe
And tied a big horn to her head with a red Christmas bow.
Then he loaded some bags, and charmed some boxes to grow
On his ramshackle sleigh and he hitched up the doe
Then Snape said, "Leviosa!"
And the sleigh flew down
Toward the rooms where the students
Lay a-snooze in their night gown
All their windows were dark, quiet snow filled the air
All the students were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
When he came to the first window and looked in to stare.
"This is stop number one," the old Snapey Claus hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist
Then he slid down the chimney, a rather tight scrape
But if Santa could do it, then so could Snape
He got stuck only once for a moment or two
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little Gryffindor stockings all hung in a row
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Wizards Chess! Brooms! Sweaters! Sweets!
Posters! Trinkets! Treasure! And treats!
And he stuffed them in bags, then Snape very nimbly
Stuffed all the bags one by one up the chimney!
Then he slunk to the kitchens and took the feast!
He took the House Elf pudding, he took the Wizard Roast Beast!
He cleaned out the kitchens in a flash.
Why Snape even took the last can of Dragon-hash!
Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" Grinned Snape, "I will stuff up the tree!"
And Snape grabbed the tree and started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast and he saw a small elf
Little Winky who was no higher than the shelf.
Snape had been caught by this little house elf
Who'd got out of bed for a drink for herself.
She stared at Snape and said, "Santy Calus, why
Why are you taking the Christmas tree, why?"
But you know Snape was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie and he thought it up quick!
"Why you nosey house elf," the fake Santy Claus lied,
"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side.
So I'm taking it home to my workshop, don't fear.
I'll fix it up there and I'll bring it back here."
And his fib fooled the elf, then he patted her head
And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.
And when Winky was back in bed with her cup
He went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!
Then the last thing he took
Was the logs for the fire
Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.
On the walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.
And the one speck of food
That he left in kitchen
Was a crumb that was even too small for a rodent magician!
Then he did the same thing
To the other school houses
Leaving behind crumbs
Much too small
For the other magical mouses!
It was a quarter past dawn...
All the wiches and wizards still a-bed
All the students still a-snooze
When he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!
Three thousand feet up! Up high over the Black Lake,
He flew the sled up to drop it and watch it break.
"Boo hoo to Hogwarts!" He was Snape-ishly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
Their mouths will hang opne a minute or two
Then all the witches and wizards in Hogwarts will all cry BOO HOO!
That's a noise," grinned Snape,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused, and Snape put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low, then it started to grow...
But the sound wasn't sad!
Why this sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Hogwarts
Snape popped his eyes
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every witch and wizard in Hogwarts, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And Snape, with his bony feet ice cold from the snow
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he puzzled three hours till his puzzler was sore.
Then Snape thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more."
And what happened then?
Why in Hogwarts they say,
That Snape's heart grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight
He flew with his load through the bright morning light.
And he brought back the presents and the food for the feast
And he, HE HIMSELF, Snape, carved the Wizard Roast Beast!
So Snape grew to love the season
Though he never did tell anyone the reason
But every now and again he still made a student bawl
Because he was still Snape, after all!