Hello all! Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Blessed Kwanza and Festivus for the Restofus! I hope you all rang in the new year pleasantly! Since 'tis the season, I thought I'd leave you all this little tidbit of American Christmas Cheer. A Hogwarts retelling of How the Grinch Stole Christmas. If you're not familiar with the story, I highly suggest you go online and read it, or else this will make no sense to you at all! But if you're like me and know all the words already by heart, read on dear reader, and enjoy!

The Slytherin who Stole Christmas

Every witch and wizard

in Hogwarts

Liked Christmas a lot...

But Snape

Who lived in the dungeon

Did NOT!

Snape hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season!

Now please don't ask why, no one quite knows the reason.

It could be that his teeth weren't screwed in quite right.

It could be perhaps that his vest was too tight.

But I think that the most likely reason of all

May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But whatever the reason

His teeth or his vest

He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the fest

Staring down from the Astronomy tower with a sour Snape sneer

At the noisey Great Hall filled with Christmas cheer.

For he knew every witch and wizard in Hogwarts beneath

Was busy now hanging a mistletoe wreath.

"And they're hanging their stockings," he snarled with a sneer

"Tomorrow is Christmas! Its practically here!"

Then he growled with his long fingers nervously drumming,

"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"

For tomorrow he knew

All the Hogwarts girls and boys

Would wake bright and early, they'd rush for their toys

And then! Oh the noise! Oh the noise noise noise!

That's one thing he hated! The NOISE NOISE NOISE NOISE!

Then the Wizards, young and old would sit down to a feast.

And they'd feast and they'd feast


They would start on House Elf pudding and rare Wizard Roast Beast!

(Which was something Snape couldn't stand in the least.)


They'd do something he liked least of all

Every witch and wizard in Hogwarts, the tall and the small

Would stand close together with Christmas bells ringing

They'd stand hand in hand and they would start singing!

They'd sing and they'd sing!


And the more Snape thought of the Hogwarts Christmas-Sing

The more Snape thought, "I must stop this whole thing!

Why for sixteen years I've put up with it now!

I MUST stop Christmas from coming!

But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!

And awful idea!

Snape got a wonderful, awful idea!

"I know just what to do!" Snape laughed in his throat.

And he made a quick Santy Clause hat and a coat.

And he chuckled and clucked, "What a great Slytherin Trick!

With this coat and hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!

All I need is a reindeer..."

Snape looked around

But since reindeer are scarse, there was none to be found.

Did that stop old Snape?

NO! Snape simply said,

"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"

So with a wave of his wand he conjured a doe

And tied a big horn to her head with a red Christmas bow.

Then he loaded some bags, and charmed some boxes to grow

On his ramshackle sleigh and he hitched up the doe

Then Snape said, "Leviosa!"

And the sleigh flew down

Toward the rooms where the students

Lay a-snooze in their night gown

All their windows were dark, quiet snow filled the air

All the students were all dreaming sweet dreams without care

When he came to the first window and looked in to stare.

"This is stop number one," the old Snapey Claus hissed

And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist

Then he slid down the chimney, a rather tight scrape

But if Santa could do it, then so could Snape

He got stuck only once for a moment or two

Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue

Where the little Gryffindor stockings all hung in a row

"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,

Around the whole room, and he took every present!

Wizards Chess! Brooms! Sweaters! Sweets!

Posters! Trinkets! Treasure! And treats!

And he stuffed them in bags, then Snape very nimbly

Stuffed all the bags one by one up the chimney!

Then he slunk to the kitchens and took the feast!

He took the House Elf pudding, he took the Wizard Roast Beast!

He cleaned out the kitchens in a flash.

Why Snape even took the last can of Dragon-hash!

Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.

"And NOW!" Grinned Snape, "I will stuff up the tree!"

And Snape grabbed the tree and started to shove

When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.

He turned around fast and he saw a small elf

Little Winky who was no higher than the shelf.

Snape had been caught by this little house elf

Who'd got out of bed for a drink for herself.

She stared at Snape and said, "Santy Calus, why

Why are you taking the Christmas tree, why?"

But you know Snape was so smart and so slick

He thought up a lie and he thought it up quick!

"Why you nosey house elf," the fake Santy Claus lied,

"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side.

So I'm taking it home to my workshop, don't fear.

I'll fix it up there and I'll bring it back here."

And his fib fooled the elf, then he patted her head

And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.

And when Winky was back in bed with her cup

He went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!

Then the last thing he took

Was the logs for the fire

Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.

On the walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.

And the one speck of food

That he left in kitchen

Was a crumb that was even too small for a rodent magician!

Then he did the same thing

To the other school houses

Leaving behind crumbs

Much too small

For the other magical mouses!

It was a quarter past dawn...

All the wiches and wizards still a-bed

All the students still a-snooze

When he packed up his sled,

Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!

The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!

Three thousand feet up! Up high over the Black Lake,

He flew the sled up to drop it and watch it break.

"Boo hoo to Hogwarts!" He was Snape-ishly humming.

"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!

They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!

Their mouths will hang opne a minute or two

Then all the witches and wizards in Hogwarts will all cry BOO HOO!

That's a noise," grinned Snape,

"That I simply must hear!"

So he paused, and Snape put a hand to his ear.

And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.

It started in low, then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!

Why this sounded merry!

It couldn't be so!

But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at Hogwarts

Snape popped his eyes

Then he shook!

What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every witch and wizard in Hogwarts, the tall and the small,

Was singing! Without any presents at all!

He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!


Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And Snape, with his bony feet ice cold from the snow

Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?

It came without ribbons! It came without tags!

It came without packages, boxes or bags!"

And he puzzled three hours till his puzzler was sore.

Then Snape thought of something he hadn't before!

"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.

Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more."

And what happened then?

Why in Hogwarts they say,

That Snape's heart grew three sizes that day!

And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight

He flew with his load through the bright morning light.

And he brought back the presents and the food for the feast

And he, HE HIMSELF, Snape, carved the Wizard Roast Beast!

So Snape grew to love the season

Though he never did tell anyone the reason

But every now and again he still made a student bawl

Because he was still Snape, after all!