With many sighs, shouts, and evil laughs, I introduce myself to the LotR fandom ... to parody the shit out of the FotR!
Thank you to Catching Fireflies for Beta-ing this chapter!
It's a book/movie parody, because I have a bit of a bad memory with some of the things in the book, so occasionally I'll just use the movie stuff. With that in mind, read away!
Frodo Baggins was in a splendid mood. He hummed to himself and smiled and whistled merrily. He ran out of the Bagginses' hobbit-hole. Frodo was in such a delightful mood that he ran around in a wide, loopy circle, shouting, "I'm going to be of age! I'm going to be of age! I'm! Going! To be! Of age!"
In case you have not gathered... Frodo was going to be of age, and he was rather excited about it.
Suddenly, a face poked out of the round door. "Frodo Marie Baggins!" yelled Frodo's elderly uncle, Bilbo. "You get inside this instant!" Frodo's happy features sagged into a frown that was very disgusting-looking on his face.
"Aw, Bilbo," Frodo said, close to tears. "Why'd you have to say my middle name? Now Sam will know it! And he'll never stop teasing me!" As if to prove his point, one of the rosebushes started cackling evilly in a voice that sounded oddly like Samwise Gamgee's. Frodo burst into hysterical tears and ran inside, pushing over Bilbo as he went.
"Marie?" asked Sam, giggling, who was hiding in the rosebush.
"Aye! Like you can say better for yourself, Samwise Lucette Gamgee!" growled Bilbo. He slammed the door. The rosebush burst into hysterical sobbing that rivaled even Frodo's.
There was the sound of a man carrying a burden as Gandalf and his horse trotted to the Baggins house. The wizard was crawling on all fours, his horse seated on top of him. For you see, Gandalf's horse was no ordinary horse! Not by a long shot. His horse could talk... but he was the only one that could hear it, which made everyone think Gandalf was simply going senile.
"How do you like it?" the horse challenged Gandalf. "Having someone sit on you all day long!" The horse, midway through Gandalf's journey to the Shire, had decided that he wanted revenge for his hours of trotting. Gandalf, being a rather kindhearted person, had decided to carry the horse, instead of the horse carrying him.
"It is a rather awful thing," said Gandalf, huffing and puffing as he crawled to the Bilbo's door. The hobbits he saw were giving him odd looks. They were whispering among themselves, and Gandalf could not imagine why. "Bless my soul!" said Gandalf the Grey. "I'm here! You can get off me, now, faithful steed."
"That I shall," said the horse snappily, and got off Gandalf's back. The poor wizard let out a groan that sounded like a dying Ringwraith.
"Alas! My limbs creak like that of a skeleton that has strings attached to its bones!" he howled into the clear, pleasant day. Every hobbit in earshot raised their eyebrows, shrugged, and continued on with whatever they were doing. No one really knew what Gandalf was saying anymore. He had gone slightly crazy with old age, according to them.
Gandalf knelt by Bilbo's door. For old time's sake, he began to write, 'fuck my hobbit ass' on Bilbo's door (in the tongue of the High Elves, so Bilbo couldn't read it!) with his staff. When he was finished, he stood up, proud of his work, and knocked on the door.
"Samwise Lucette, if that is you, I shall kick you and the rosebush to-" Bilbo threatened as he opened the door. "Gandalf!" he said in surprise. "My goodness, my old friend!"
"Old being the operative word," Gandalf said. "See this hair?" He pointed at his long gray hair and beard. "It used to be as black as a raven, before you and those infernal dwarves needed your asses saved 24/7."
"No, it was not!" Bilbo said, but he realized Gandalf was joking. "My dear friend, you have the humor of an elf!" he said, throwing himself into Gandalf's arms. He realized Bilbo's words were not a compliment. The humor of an elf? Elves had terrible senses of humor!
"As ever, you have the charm of a constipated orc, my dear Bilbo," said Gandalf, happily returning Bilbo's insult. Bilbo, fortunately, was used to this, and did not take offense.
"I have come to set up the tables," Gandalf said, sighing. For that was the sole reason he had come to the Shire- because he had to set up the party for Bilbo and Frodo's birthday.
"And the tents! And the mugs overflowing with good ale!" Bilbo reminded him. Gandalf let out another sigh and walked off to set up for the party.
The party was a lovely thing- every hobbit that attended had lovely presents and the best food sitting in front of him or her. There had been much dancing and drinking and overall partying.
A red-faced, drunken Samwise Gamgee sat next to Frodo Baggins. "Mister Frodo," he said. "I have a proposition to make." Frodo paused in stuffing his face with creamed corn. Sam tried not to wince at the sight of the half-chewed food in his master's mouth.
"Wha' ya sayin'?" Frodo said, trying to swallow.
"I want to go into Rosie's hole. Is that okay with you, Mister Frodo?" Sam asked, shame in his very bones. Frodo spewed creamed corn across the table and into Lobelia Sackville-Baggins's face. She gave him a rather offended look and promised to steal all of Bilbo's spoons.
"Go- what the hell, Sam? Rosie's hole? Is that okay?" Sam nodded, wondering why Frodo looked so upset, and Frodo's eyes bulged in astonishment. "Sam, I never knew you could be so dirty!"
"Oh, Mister Frodo, don't even suggest it!" Sam said. "I meant her home! Her hobbit-hole! To borrow her mother's gardening shears!" Frodo's mouth was wide open, ready to say something else, but Sam's words sunk in.
"Oh," Frodo said. "Uh, yeah, Sam. Sure you can go." As soon as Sam left, he cracked up laughing and muttered something about Sam wanting to screw Rosie.
"Attention!" called Bilbo's voice. Frodo looked up to find Bilbo standing on a table. "I have a very serious announcement to make, friends! And non-friends, that I just invited so I could have the right number of guests." There was quite a bit of grumbling about that. Each person felt as if they were merely there to fill a quota.
"Anyways! I'm leaving the Shire! Goodbye, cruel world!" Bilbo said. "But a few words before my departure..." All the hobbits waited for Bilbo to say his words and get on with it so they could drink to his riddance, but he didn't say anything. Instead, he pulled out something resembling a ring from his pocket and yelled, "My precious!" He put the ring on his finger and promptly disappeared.
"Bilbo!" said Frodo. "Bilbo, come back! I forgot to tell you that I started shaving today!" But Bilbo did not return. Frodo felt tears forming in his eyes, and so he ran off, wailing all the way.
"I most certainly will not give up my precious/ It is so very beautiful and speshiss. It shines and shines and it's pretty and round/ The most lovely thing to ever be found!" Bilbo's eyes were misting over at his lovely song (even though he had made up the word 'speshiss', solely for the purpose of rhyming with 'precious'). Gandalf, however, was not so moved.
"You must give up the Ring, Bilbo! It is influencing your thoughts!" Gandalf said. He wildly waved his arms around in a windmill-like gesture, knocking a portrait off the wall.
"Not happening, Gandalf the Rainbow!" Bilbo said, suddenly getting rather immature and sticking his tongue out at the wizard.
Gandalf, not one to be made fun of, grew in alarming height and loomed over Bilbo. Suddenly, he turned pitch-black! Poor Bilbo let out a yelp of surprise and dropped his ring.
"Fine! Take it! I didn't mean to call you a rainbow!" Bilbo said. Gandalf shrunk down to his normal height and patted Bilbo on the head.
"Good boy, Bilbo. Good boy. I'll tell Elrond to give you lots of treats when you get to Rivendell," he said. Bilbo glared. Gandalf must be going crazy! Bilbo muttered something about not being a dog, and stomped out of the door.
"Well, that takes care of him!" said Gandalf.
Many years later, Frodo owned the Baggins house. He was fifty years old, but oddly still looked as if he had just come of age. For he was the bearer of the Ring, and... bearers of the Ring always look young, all right?
All of a sudden, Gandalf appeared. "Gandalf!" Frodo cried. "Oh, how I've missed you, Gandalf! My life has been so dull and-"
"That's all well and good, but where's the damn ring?" Gandalf said.
"Don't take it!" Frodo yelped. "It's my precious!"
Gandalf let out a weary sigh. "Not you, too!" he said, and sat down on Bilbo's vacant armchair. Frodo started rummaging around the hobbit-hole, screaming, "I'm sure it's around here somewhere!" Finally, Frodo came to a halt.
"Oh," Frodo said. "It's around my neck, on a chain, Gandalf." The wizard let out one of his famous sighs.
"Well, it's high time I tell you what the damn thing is," Gandalf said. "It's Sauron's One Ring of Power. The men have nine that are controlled by it, the elves have three, and the dwarves have seven. I may have messed up my calculations, you see, I've just graduated basic math class. That's where I've been for seventeen years." Frodo rolled his eyes.
"So, if this Ring can control the others, can I just, like, control everyone?" asked Frodo, an evil glint in his eyes.
"No! You must destroy it!" Gandalf said. "Go to Bree. I like Bree, and it's a fun word to say. Plus, I'm going to send my friend Aragorn stalking after you. He likes Bree, too."
"But- but I don't like Bree," Frodo said, trembling in fright. "Or stalkers, for that matter..." But Gandalf was already shoving a traveling cloak on him, and handing him a bag full of clothes and food that he had conjured out of thin air.
There was a loud cackling sound coming from outside. It seemed to be coming from the rosebush by Bilbo's door. Gandalf froze mid-motion. "Did you hear that?" he asked. "It was a rosebush, laughing!"
"Nah," Frodo said. "You're going crazy, Gandalf. Rosebushes don't laugh." Then he remembered the day of Bilbo's party. "Unless they have Sam Gamgee hiding in them!" Gandalf proceeded to lean out the window and pull Sam into the room.
"Heh...heh...heh," Sam chuckled weakly.
"That's it, Sam! You are now Frodo's pack mule! Now get your asses to Bree! Don't mind the random ranger stalking you!" Gandalf said.
To be continued, as Sam and Frodo set off to Bree, possibly being stalked by a ranger...