The sticky disgusting green slime on my plate is all I can see as I aimlessly tug at the spoon that it refuses to relinquish. Normally I would curse the substance and disintigrate it with some ray or another, but I can't bring myself to contemplate such violence today.

I don't understand the change that's come over me lately. It's completely illogical. I am Zim, ZIM! Zim bows to none but the Tallests, and no measly creature could ever make me hesitate, or falter in my destruction.

But it is no creature…

Visions of it fill my brainmeats like wriggling worms, but it is unstoppable. Its coarse brown lumpy form is all I can see. I have left it safe within the base. I am only here because if I do not show up to Skool, the Dib will suspect. I know the Dib. He will find it, and he will destroy it. Destroy the one thing Zim would see saved.

I am jarred from my thoughts by a blow to the head. I jerk my face up.

"What? Who?" I shout, even as my eye falls on that which struck me, and my blood runs cold.

No.

It could not be.

There it lies, the only thing that Zim would see saved.

It could not have hurled itself, it does not have the capabilities. Some horrible, terrible monster has abducted it from the base of Zim, and used it against me. I snatch it from the surface of the cafeteria table, bellowing "Who did this?"

All eyes are on me now. I leap to the tabletop, holding it high, crying a challenge. "Who dares to soil my normal boy head with this…" I look at it in my hand.

So small. So vulnerable. So trusting.

But if I reveal that I know the name of it… they will know it is my weakness. That I would do anything to keep it safe. They will find me out and kill me, and I will have lost it for nothing. So I reach for the foulest name I can conjure for it.

"…PORK-COW?!"

I shake at the twisting pain of betrayal in my spooch. Why does it hurt so?

"That's a stinking muffin!" Shouts some filth child in the crowd.

They know. It is already too late. They know its name, they know of its importance to Zim. "Silence!" I scream in agony. "Whatever this is, I will find the beast who threw it."

I cannot bring myself to look at it. I have committed the second-worst betrayal. I have said I do not even know what it is. And now, I must commit the worst. I must save myself by destroying it. I must harden myself, become the cold, cruel, merciless destroyer that it almost saved me from becoming. And one will pay for it.

"I will find you!" I shriek, crumbling its fragile body in my hand, feeling the pieces fall to the tabletop I still stand on. Rage courses through me as I vow, "Sleep peacefully now, for it is the last peaceful sleep you will know from this moment on!"

"But we're not asleep right now!" Another dirt monkey taunts me.

All eyes stare at Zim, ruthlessly judging my carefully constructed normalcy.

But I no longer care.

With a wild shriek of loss, I flee the cafeteria, the place where I murdered in cold flour the one thing I truly cared about.

The monster who drove me to this will pay dearly. Oh how dearly they shall pay.

….

Note: I apologize for nothing… except for the fact that it's been FAR too long since I wrote a crackfic. Or a funny story. Inspired by a conversation about ridiculous IZ crack pairings. I claim first dibs on ZimXPorkCow, or ZAPCR.