Summary – combine an overtly sexual female university student looking to explore her kinks, but having no real experience with violence or primitive conditions, and a sexually naive fellowship looking to destroy a ring. Shake and destroy everyone's innocence.

This is going to be Mary Sue in style, just 'cause I love the contrast between our cultures.

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings, any of J.R.R. Tolkien's recognizable universe, or characters. Speech will be movie verse, which again, I don't own.

Slap me with a wet noodle in a review if I miss spelling errors, have wrong word choices or grammatical errors (Characters will make them in speech); the trinity of horrific writing errors, far worse than a Mary Sue. ;-) Unbeta'd Harsh criticism welcome. Effusive praise too. ;-)

...

Tabatha cursed under her breath as her feet splayed in the snow covered ice. She was trying to catch the bus which was frustrating on the best of days. At minus 30 plus wind chill, today was agonizing. She was a uni student; what choice did she have? She had no funds for a car. She glared down the road.

The last time there was a storm, they cancelled her bus home. They never announced the cancellation to anyone waiting in the inadequate shelters by the outdoor bus platforms; she doubted it occurred to the toasty warm attendants inside. After the second bus failed to show, she ended up walking home. She had to stop and warm up in a gas station to prevent her hyperthermia from going critical. She hated buses.

She was glad she splurged on a proper Canadian parka after the last cancellation. Looks like today would be another no-show. She groaned, then turned to trudge through the shortcut in the woods. Hopefully she could hitch a ride on the main road like during the bus strike.

The wind was biting in the tunnel hood of her coat. She formed it to only expose her eyes, fogging her sunglasses to sightlessness. She peered over the tops of the frames at the treacherous slope as she picked her way downhill, clinging to trees. Her foot slipped, she landed on her ass, sliding down the hill. Her boots failed to break through the thick layer of last week's freezing rain, as she accelerated. 'Ah shit' was her last conscious thought.

...

Tabatha groaned. She was boiling, her head hurt and muscles ached. She fumbled onto all fours as her mental fog began to clear. Leaves crackled under her hands. Water rushing in the distance. Animal snorting sounds behind her. She shook her head.

Two feet appeared in her vision. "Who are you?" a voice asked.

Tabatha sat on her heels, and slid the hood off her head. She pulled off her gloves, putting them in her pockets as she glanced around to find herself surrounded by three gorgeous male blondes, two with wicked looking knives held in either hand. She held her hands up in surrender, forcing her voice to hold a false bravo. "Tabatha Baker."

"For what purpose are you near Imladris?" he demanded.

"Never heard of it." she responded.

"Rivendell then."

"Still never heard of it. Who are you?"

"We don't have time for to delay further. Take her to Lord Elrond. She may be a spy." Came the hard voice from the blond in front of her.

She was forced to her feet, her backpack removed and her hands bound behind her. A blindfold was tied over her eyes. "What are you talking about? Hey, what are you doing? I have rights. You can't do this to me. Help! Somebody help me!" she exclaimed, trying to free her hands. She was tossed over the front of a horse.

Legolas covered her mouth. "If you cannot remain silent, I'll add a gag." She looked toward him in disbelief. The small party quickly moved out.

...

Tabatha was pissed. She was sweltering in her coat. Her stomach ached from where she spent the last hour, head rushing from her inverted position. She had never been on a horse before; she was emphatically against repeating the experience. The bouncing movements made her want to throw up last night's Pad Thai noodles.

Lord Elrond was waiting to greet the party. "Welcome Legolas. What have we here?" he asked.

"We found this one outside your gates. We brought her in for questioning." He pulled the blindfold off her eyes. She blinked in the bright sunlight, trying to focus.

"And what were you doing out there?" Lord Elrond turned to her.

"Doing where? Where the hell am I? What happened to the snow?" She peered around, shaking her head, her overheated cheeks flushed bright red.

"There hasn't been snow in this valley for centuries. Where were you going?" he asked.

"I cut across the woods to hitch a ride then slipped on the ice. Next thing I know blondie is getting kinky and bringing me to you."

Lord Elrond's eyebrow rose. "It seems we have a mystery." He turned to a sentry "Please ask Gandalf to come to my study. Legolas, would you care to join us?" He motioned two sentries to follow with Tabatha. "Arwen will take care of the rest of your party." His daughter nodded and smiled at Legolas.

'This is so not my day.' Tabatha thought.

...

"You may release her Legolas." The first blonde elf approached, carefully untying the knots made earlier.

She rubbed her wrists for a moment, before grabbing off her touque, removing her scarf, and shoving them into a pocket, stripping off her coat and dropping it to the floor. She continued, removing and dropping her pullover. She fanned her tank top to create a cooling breeze, her coloring slowly returning to normal.

She glared at Legolas. "Thanks. Just so you know, I'm so not into BDSM, especially on a first date." she told him sarcastically.

"BDSM? I don't understand."

She paused, startled, before deliberately checking him out, dragging her eyes slowly top to bottom and back again, eyes narrowing as she examined his assets. He really was a hot dish; slender and clean shaven, long hair pulled back from his face, sleek muscles hinted at beneath his clothing. He looked disconcerted under her gaze, so she smirked at him. "Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism, and the hidden DS - Dominance and Submission… in other words… kinky sex games." She winked at him.

Legolas flushed, his ears turning cherry red. He glanced over at Lord Elrond's raised eyebrow and faintly pink ears. Gandalf just chuckled. She burst out laughing at their reactions.

Lord Elrond cleared his throat. "Perhaps if we return to the matter at hand?"

Two hours later, after one cell phone demo (including the display of a sex positions application. She couldn't resist. Their reactions mirrored earlier.) both parties were ready for a break. At least they now agreed she was from someplace other than Middle Earth.

...

Dinner was served in a wide open hall. Tabatha was led to a seat beside Arwen. During a conversation lull she leaned over to whisper "Damn girl, you really don't lack for a view do you? It's model central here. How's the action?"

Arwen asked "Action? I don't understand?"

"You know, relationships, dating, sex and all that."

Arwen went beet red. Every elf in the hall appeared to have frozen, before snapping their head around to watch the two of them.

Lord Elrond coughed. "Tabatha, I think we need to continue our earlier discussion, and include elvish hearing capabilities and customs in this area."

Across the hall, Pippin asked "What'd she say?"

"I don't know Pippin." Merry responded.

Tabatha looked at Lord Elrond confusedly. "Elvish hearing? I don't understand."

Arwen turned to her. "You're in Imladris, home of the elves."

She laughed. "Ya right." She rolled her eyes.

Arwen's face remained serious. "Did you not know?" Arwen asked.

Tabatha shifted to look around the room again. "I really have fallen down the rabbit hole, haven't I?" She shook her head. "This is so not my day."

...

Two days later, Tabatha cornered Arwen in a garden for girl talk.

"Let me get this straight. You guys live for centuries, and only ever have sex with your bonded?"

"Yes, that's right." she replied.

Tabatha paused, before asking "So no taking someone for a test ride before the big day either?"

Arwen shook her head no, looking at her hands, face flushed. "Elves bond during the mating process." she answered.

"What happens if you don't meet 'the one' for centuries?" Tabatha questioned, eyes widened in horror.

"We wait. It's not something we concern ourselves with until it happens." Arwen responded primly, hands folded over her lap, not meeting Tabatha's eyes.

Tabatha flinched. "No sex for centuries? You guys must have one hell of a toy collection. I wouldn't last a month otherwise."

"We don't..." Arwen voice trailed off in embarrassment. She just shifted under Tabatha's gaze, redness gradually fading from her cheeks.

Tabatha watched her for a minute "What happens if someone dies? Would you bond again?"

"We fade without our bonded. We only bond once during our lifetime."

"But you're like immortal! You go centuries without sex, then can lose it early? Damn girl, that's rough. You have my sympathies." Tabatha retreated into thought, before exclaiming. "Hey, wait a minute. That means every unbound elf is a virgin! No wonder the guys were going red when I asked about sex. Are all the other races here also sexually repressed?"

"Most races would only discuss such things between partners, or give advice to their children when courting. I have not heard of any customs otherwise."

"So everyone's a prude? Bloody hell, this could be fun." Tabatha grinned evilly.

Arwen's eyes widened. She pictured the chaos that would shortly follow Tabatha's wake. She was too innocent to imagine the half of it.