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hkk

Just curious, what exactly is an 'element' and why is it called that? It looks like a weapon. I'll have to come back tomorrow to read this though.

Uh, let's see.

For the most part, it's just some sort of weapon that can be materialized on the fly. Each magical girl ('HiME') in this fandom has their own particular one, ranging from swords to naginatas. There's a couple that have other/secondary purposes as well, (one girl has a flute that she can control a monster [called a CHILD, each girl had one of those too] with, one has bracelets that can put up shields and shoot flames, etc).

I guess that the name could refer to the fact that each of the girls is supposed to have certain 'element' (fire, ice, etc), though this is kind of suspect with some of the girls.

9/29/2009 #61
Wildcard999

The word 'element' just means 'basic material'. This can be applied to a lot of things: wood, metal, water, electricity/lightning, spirit, etc. Everyone has their own idea of what the 'elements' are.

Something that can be materialized on the fly definitely sounds like it could fit the bill.

With all the thoughts there, I won't bother italicizing.

-----

“Well, no one can blame you for that.” The man pulled a chair over from an unbroken table, turned it with the seat facing towards him, and lowered himself into it. “A scythe, hm? That's kind of an impractical weapon, isn't it?”

Shion eyed her blade, and shrugged. “Not really.”

“You don't think so?” [Her opinion was a negative, the affirmation needs to also be negative.] He shook his head. “There were war scythes developed from the traditional farming scythes. Cut shorter, with the blade smaller and upright to the staff. Very similar to a halberd.” The man pointed at Shion's weapon, as if mocking it. “However, the effectiveness of yours is quite suspect. It looks like you could put quite a lot of force behind it, enough to cleave through most anything you'd come across, but it seems unwieldly in any practical situation.”

Shion showed no response to Sergei's words at first, until she yelled, “What does that have to do with anything?!

Sergei grinned. “Distraction.”

Erstin smacked the flat of her Element against the back of Shion's head, then grabbed her wrist with one hand. Slinging the girl into her chest, Erstin pushed the blade level to Shion's neck.

Arika and Nina charged Mana, both expecting her to break away and run, but the girl did not budge. Mana attempted a thrust at Nina, grazing her ear. The mistake gave Nina a chance to pierce her stomach with the left sai. “Arika, go after the doctor!” Nina said, driving the point in with a kick as Mana reeled back. “She can't be too far!”

Youko had cut her way through the fence right outside the lab. Arika let the Sapphire dissolve, and then ran off after her. [That was an unfinished thought, you need a noun of some kind there.]

Arika knew that she was running blind into the night, but she was faster than both Nina and Erstin, and could outlast them too. [Didn't really need 'she' in there, and longer sentences aren't good for action scenes.] As long as there was a trail, she'd be able to follow her. [It's not good to leave off the ends of sentences like that. I know people like to do that, but it isn't right and it'll bug readers who know that.] Sergei had taught her the basics of tracking; searching for footprints, broken twigs, or as she was finding, small splotches of wet blood. I hope Miss K. is alright. She didn't have much love for the doctor, but she'd hate to find her hurt--or worse. [Or worse is kind of an afterthought, like it's something you don't want to consider, but realize you have to.]

The compound happened to be in a deserted area. [Not so sure 'happened to be' is good in this case since you're only just bringing up the setting. There's no coincidence yet. If you had posited that under normal circumstances she might need to hurry so she could catch up, that'd be one thing, but in this case, it doesn't really work.] The closest town was at least twenty minutes away; more than enough for her to catch up with Youko. Arika knew what was under every stone, what was behind every bush, and even what was in the chest that Nina had hidden outside of the compound fence. [And...what? How does that tie in to what you were just talking about? This last sentence, as yet, is completely unrelated to the rest of the paragraph.]

After ten minutes of running through the brush, Arika saw what looked like Youko. [In dialogue, that's fine, but normal prose doesn't allow for that. It's a slang sentence structure. If words seem to be omitted from your sentence, you're probably violating our language's rules.] A small figure, trail of dust following behind. A bit closer, and Arika could see a person dangling off her shoulder. Miss K. [I can't tell, is a person hanging off the doctor's shoulder, or is she hanging off something else that wasn't mentioned? In either case, this wasn't worded very well.]

Youko stopped.

Good! Now she's gonna get it! Arika summoned the Sapphire to hand. Gotta get this right. She jumped high, and jabbed the point down at Youko. The woman vanished from where the blow was to land. [I think all you need here is that she vanished. We automatically picture her doing it just before the Sapphire reaches her.]

“Huh?” Arika stumbled upon landing, but regained her balance and surveyed her surroundings. [I really don't see how the stumbling part is at all relevant if it doesn't affect a later action. And if it's not relevant, it doesn't belong in an action scene.] A few bushes, a bunch of dirt, but no sign of Youko. ['And' makes that sound like the expected result.] “Where'd she go?”

Something materialized ahead of her. She heard Miss K's voice; distant, and somewhat muted. Much like a voice carried through the blades of a fan. “Arika!” [I can't tell, is Youko Miss K, or are there two people she's finding out here?]

In the distance, Arika spied Youko outlined in shadow. The girl blew away with the wind, Miss K's cries fading along with her.

---------------

The problem with this passage is that I ca't tell who's who. There's too many people, and I can't even tell gender from the names.

The pacing seemed to be fine though. And there wasn't a whole bunch of unnecessary description either. Most of the info belonged, all of it pretty much geared to moving the fight along.

I do like how you ended this passage though. Very cool.

9/30/2009 . Edited 9/30/2009 #62
hkk

The closest town was at least twenty minutes away; more than enough for her to catch up with Youko. Arika knew what was under every stone, what was behind every bush, and even what was in the chest that Nina had hidden outside of the compound fence. [And...what? How does that tie in to what you were just talking about? This last sentence, as yet, is completely unrelated to the rest of the paragraph.]

Yeah, I kind of figured that you'd say something about that. I wanted to give the reader an idea about how intimately Arika knew the land, but couldn't find a way to relate it to the rest of the paragraph. *shrug*

The problem with this passage is that I ca't tell who's who. There's too many people, and I can't even tell gender from the names.

Some of this probably makes a lot more sense when read in context with the chapter. Not trying to use that as an excuse or anything, for example:

A bit closer, and Arika could see a person dangling off her shoulder. - Yeah that's going to be confusing in no matter how you read it. But for the rest, I just kind of cut this excerpt from the latter half of a chapter, so I'm banking on the fact that the reader would know who these people are by then. In fact, looking back at the chapter now, most of the confusion would have been cleared up if I would have cut the excerpt a little earlier.

Appreciate the help.

9/30/2009 . Edited 9/30/2009 #63
Wildcard999

The compound happened to be in a deserted area. The closest town was at least twenty minutes away; more than enough for her to catch up with Youko. It wouldn't be hard--Arika knew what was under every stone, what was behind every bush, and even what was in the chest that Nina had hidden outside of the compound fence.

Something like that easily relates the two ideas together. Now they make sense together. I'd kind of figured that is what you had meant, but I wanted to make sure.

So what did the little shoulder thing mean? If you described it more in depth, I might be able to help you say it more clearly. And what about the 'happened to' part? Did you agree or disagree with that? I can't tell from your post.

9/30/2009 #64
hkk

So what did the little shoulder thing mean? If you described it more in depth, I might be able to help you say it more clearly.

This crazy woman - Youko - was running from Arika with Miss. K - the doctor - draped over her back.

A bit closer, and Arika could see Miss K. draped over Youko's shoulder. - Might be a bit better (makes the thought afterwards redundant, but I can just delete or change it). Sorry I didn't elaborate on what this meant, but I usually like to try and fix these things myself.

And what about the 'happened to' part? Did you agree or disagree with that? I can't tell from your post.

Anything I didn't mention in my post, I agreed with.

9/30/2009 . Edited 9/30/2009 #65
Wildcard999

A small figure, trail of dust following behind. A bit closer, and Arika could see a person draped over her shoulder. Miss K.

Yeah, that's about all you needed to do with it. Dangling makes it sound like the doctor is only six inches tall and doing her best to hold on, but may be about to fall off.

Sorry I didn't elaborate on what this meant, but I usually like to try and fix these things myself.

Sorry, didn't mean to step on your toes or anything.

Anything I didn't mention in my post, I agreed with.

Oh, okay. I'll remember that for next time.

Btw, just to warn you, 'a bit', 'a little' and 'sort of' are diminishers which often aren't necessary and don't work well in action scenes. I think they should be used sparingly. You've got two still in this passage, fyi.

9/30/2009 #66
hkk

Sorry, didn't mean to step on your toes or anything.

Oh no, it didn't bother me or anything. If you have an idea as to how something should be phrased then feel free to tell me. I just prefer to get it right myself so I know what to do if the issue comes up again. Just feels better, I guess.

9/30/2009 #67
Wildcard999

It's a point of pride to know you fixed it yourself. I know what you mean.

9/30/2009 #68
Cyberano

-- Shion eyed her blade

It's a scythe, right? This makes it sound like it's a sword.

-- Erstin smacked the flat of her Element against the back of Shion's head, then grabbed her wrist with one hand. Slinging the girl into her chest, Erstin pushed the blade level to Shion's neck.

Erstin had the advantage of surprise. She has a good chance of knocking Shion unconcious. If Shion is unconcious, then she could help Arika and Nina. Assuming that Shion is still awake, the 'slinging the girl into her chest' is very weird since Shion still has her weapon. Shion is a trained warrior and may counterattack. This is possible since Erstin only grabbed one hand and it's not clear if it's the hand that's holding the weapon. Rather than bring your enemy against your body, it's better to disarm them. When Erstin grabbed Shion's hand, one possible technique would be to break her wrist or arm in order to disarm and prevent her from executing counter attacks.

-- but the girl did not budge.

Not budging implies that she is still and not moving. However, she does move to attack. I suggest: but the girl held her ground. This shows her strong intent to fight.

-- Arika let the Sapphire dissolve

Sapphire could mean her earring. I assume you meant her weapon. Also, dissolve to me is like something melting in water. So I suggest: Arika unsummoned her crystal lance.

-- Arika summoned the Sapphire to hand.

Here you actually used 'summoned', which I think is good.

-- The woman vanished from where the blow was to land.

Instead of stating the final result, make it like a discovery. This scene is a good one to create tension. For example: The impact from her lance caused loose soil to rise in a cloud of dust and Arika reeled as her lance plunged halfway into the unresisting earth.

"Huh?" She quickly regained her balance and yanked her weapon out of the ground. As she shifted into a defensive stance, her eyes hunted for Youko.

10/4/2009 #69
Wildcard999

-- Shion eyed her blade

It's a scythe, right? This makes it sound like it's a sword.

True, but it didn't seem like a big enough deal to mention. A scythe does have a blade, even if the blade is less than half the weapon, unlike with actual blade-class weapons.

-- but the girl did not budge.

Not budging implies that she is still and not moving. However, she does move to attack. I suggest: but the girl held her ground. This shows her strong intent to fight.

-- Arika let the Sapphire dissolve

Sapphire could mean her earring. I assume you meant her weapon. Also, dissolve to me is like something melting in water. So I suggest: Arika unsummoned her crystal lance.

I disagree. I've seen the first done several times in professional books and never been tripped up by it, and the second sounds fine as it is. In the main part of the fic, the Sapphire is already established as a weapon, and Sapphire is apparently the name of it. As for letting it dissolve, I imagined that she merely allowed it to dissolve into nothing because she was no longer willing it to have form.

Here you actually used 'summoned', which I think is good.

I think that also makes it unnecessary to alter the first instance too.

Intead of stating the final result, make it like a discovery. This scene is a good one to create tension. For example: The impact from her lance caused loose soil to rise in a cloud of dust and Arika reeled as her lance plunged halfway into the unresisting earth.

"Huh?" She quickly regained her balance and yanked her weapon out of the ground. As she shifted into a defensive stance, her eyes hunted for Youko.

I like that, it sounds way better.

10/5/2009 #70
Cyberano

Darkwinter999: In the main part of the fic, the Sapphire is already established as a weapon, and Sapphire is apparently the name of it.

Arika's power is activated with permission from her master via the Blue Sky Sapphire which are a pair of gems. The gems are about the size of the top of a push pin. One gem is worn on her master's ring. Arika wears the other gem as an earring. The sapphire gems are a way to connect master and Otome (warrior maiden). When Arika's master grants permission, the power within the gem flows into Arika and she is able to summon a weapon, fly, etc. The weapon typically has a theme based on the type of gem or sometimes, the personality of the Otome. In Arika's case, it is a semi-transparent blue crystal lance/spear weapon with a long range attack called Bolt From the Blue. In this sense, the weapon's theme is the Sky, and the attack is like lightning coming from the sky. In Shiho's case, her gem is the Spiral Spin Serpentine and her weapon was a wooden cursing wheel because she always liked to curse others.

There was also a period of time when Arika alternated between the Sapphire gem and the coral gem. The earring was designed so that gems can be swapped easily. With the coral gem, an Otome's weapon was a staff. The staff was never referred to as the Coral. The term Coral was used to refer to the gem or to the Otome who wore the gem in her earring.

In my opinion, the gems should not be used as a catch all description of the weapons. I think it is better to just state the weapon type, refer to it as her element or just say Arika's weapon, Nina's weapon, etc...

10/6/2009 #71
Wildcard999

Okay, that isn't at all what I was visualizing. I suppose the wording might have been misleading then. I'm used to superpowers.

I didnt realize the weapon and the gems weren't the same thing.What you said makes a lot more sense now, and I agree. It sounds like the gem name shouldn't even BE the name of the weapon since they aren't the same.

I admit to just skimming the intro before the scene.

10/6/2009 #72
hkk

We're still talking about this lol

Cyberano:

I explicitly refer to the Blue Sky Sapphire as Arika's weapon earlier on in the fic. The girls don't have any gems at that point. I'm deviating a bit from what Otome established.

Appreciate your critique and research, though.

10/6/2009 #73
EclipseIllusion

Dark, for the link you gave, I didn't see anything about fight scenes. It said something about "What You Need To Know about FFN.". Could you find the link again please?

2/15/2010 . Edited 2/15/2010 #74
Wildcard999

Not sure which link I gave you when, but here is the real link. http://forum.fanfiction.net/topic/7719/1053108/1/

I keep a list of all links here: One Stop Shop: Whatever you need, there's a link for that which is also listed at the bottom of my profile.

2/16/2010 #75
EclipseIllusion

Thanks for the link.

2/16/2010 #76
Ripdos A.K.A The Bad Ash

I haven't posted this chapter yet but I need to know if this is confusing.

[

The door flung open and she peered under a tile at the bathroom floor. However, Riptide was still in the bathroom and another person haw come in. the person was none other than Ken. "Regardless of what ever you're thinking it wont work."

"I've got open ears now." Riptide gave him a cheesy half smile.

Ken circled him. " I don't think so. If you're talking about the girl, na. you scare everyone at this school. Who in their right mind would even listen to you let alone get near you." Suddenly Ken punched Riptide in the mouth and searched his pockets.

"You just don't get it. I'm not going to have it in my pockets or in my locker." Riptide said in a growl. He kneed Ken in the neck since he was lay on his back.

Ken responded with a fist to his stomach then grabbed him by the arm and shoulder. He hurled him into a stall door. "Give me the disk. I'm willing to forget that we fought. I can put in a good word with the principal…there are many things I can do. Ican find you some one, how about Gretchen."

Riptide kicked him in the knee and stumbled out of the stall. Ken recoiled, grabbed Riptide by the collar, and flung him into one of the sink mirrors face first. The mirror shattered all over the sink and floor. There were cuts numerous cuts on Riptide's face. Ken cocked his head to one side in amused contentment.

"You know there's more of that where it came from….don't be stupid. Give me the disk!"

"No never, you're friends will know what you do after school. And your parents and the media. See ken I'm not like you. I'm not going to take your offers….aggh"

Ken has his arm in an arm lock putting pressure on his elbow. "Hum ha hah; you think it's disgusting. You're just like me; you will be."

"Agrrrh *** you. You'll never find the disk."

Ken twisted his arm farther and kneaded him in the ribs. Ken walked away and turned his back to him indifferently. "My friends and family will not believe you Tai didn't. Sora, Izzy, Cody, Davis, or Miss Finster, principal Prickly and Gretchen won't; they never will. They don't have a reason to."

"They will; because they have the disk."

"And that's why I'm going to break you legs. I'm going to force you to say it. That's you're just like me." Ken smirked "What do you think your parents are doing while you're at school?"

Riptide rushed him only to be roundhouse f*** and put in a chokehold. Ken used his other hand to grab him by the inside thigh, lifted him over his head and slammed him down over his knee. Gretchen could hear the sound of bones breaking and feared Ken had broken Riptide's back.

But Riptide stood up "I'm not like you Ken." She shouted in a monotone rage. He kicked him in the chest so hard Ken flew back and hit the sink. The sink smashed into pieces when he collided with it. The impact ripped the shoulder Ken's suit. Gretchen above the sinks could see that His shoulder was out of socket. To her surprise Ken put this shoulder back in place with out one whimper of pain.

Ken tried to blitz Riptide but he jumped and dropkicked Ken before he got close enough to him. Riptide made a motion with his hand for Ken to get up. Again he was charged. This time Riptide side stepped and preformed a spinning heel kick to the side of Kens head.

Ken wrecked into one of the stalls knocking the door off one if its hinges. "So you want to play…"

Ken suddenly jumped kicked riptide into the wall, punched him in the jaw gripped him by the arm and threw him into the sink. He preceded to crash land on him with a flying elbow. Them and the sink came crashing to the manolium floor. The area was flooding with water and Ken tried to drown Riptide with it.

"You will-" Riptide shoved his whole fist into Ken's mouth. His hand was bleeding and Kens teeth were everywhere but his fist was really in his mouth. The two of them struggled for a couple of seconds. Till Riptide kneed ken in the chest then kicked him in the face. Ken landed hitting his head on the toilet seat.

"You b***. You tried to drown me. Guess what's I'm going to do to you, little ***." As ken picked him self off of the floor Riptide punched him in the nose hard enough for his head to collide with the toilet again. Riptide quickly pulled his leg around one of the pipes forced his knee to bend in the opposite direction.

]

6/13/2010 #77
Wildcard999

I couldn't read the whole thing, but I can tell you right now it's confusing as hell. I hardly even know where to begin. I guess I'll just start at the top…

The door flung open and she peered under a tile at the bathroom floor.

Peered under what tile? A tile on the floor? If not, why would the bathroom floor be under this tile?

However, Riptide was still in the bathroom and another person haw come in.

However doesn't work here since it's not contradicting anything said in the first sentence. You can't add another person to this sentence just tacked on at the end. It's a total afterthought and sounds like you don't know what you're doing. Come doesn't work in this tense (it should be came), but even that doesn't make sense in this context. You're better off with the person already being there since the scene starts with the people in the bathroom already being there. And what is 'haw'?

the person was none other than Ken. "Regardless of [whatever] you're thinking it wont work."

No capital for the, no apostrophe for won't and a space in the middle of whatever? Why? Did you even spellcheck this thing? "I've got open ears now." Riptide gave him a cheesy half smile.

Open ears? That sounds like something an ESL German kid would say. Ken circled him. "I don't think so. If you're talking about the girl, nah. you scare everyone at this school. Who in their right mind would even listen to you let alone get near you." Suddenly Ken punched Riptide in the mouth and searched his pockets. What the hell is going on? What does open ears have to do with some girl and him being listened to? And why the punch? So far, I know less about these characters than before I read a word.

You've also got a ton of compound words like whatever, someone and without split into two words for some reason, not to mention all the synonyms. You should really try looking up those hard words to make sure you really know what they mean. I almost laughed when I read someone 'precede' to do something. Precede means to come before. Proceed means to commence. Be careful with those. I've seen this problem with your before.

8/14/2010 #78
Maryilee

I agree with Darkwinter. The scene is very confusing. One reason is that the point of view is all over the place. Who is telling this story? Pick a point of view and stick with it, showing the reader only what that character can actually see, feel, hear or think. He or she can't know what others are thinking, although they can guess from a character's body language.

8/15/2010 #79
Wildcard999

He's writing third person limited? I thought he was writing third omnicient since there is absolutely no emotion or inner though in the parts I read. Third omnicient doesn't see what one person sees because it doesn't feel what they feel or know what they think.

8/16/2010 #80
Maryilee

Yeah, he is writing 3rd person omniscient, but it's not working at all. The action is confusing because first we're seeing one person, then we're seeing another, but it'll give the reader whiplash trying to figure out where all the characters are and what they are doing in any given moment. If he picked one character, and stuck with that one, at least through a whole scene, it would work a lot better. It would give depth to the scene, as the reader would have someone to root for, or to hate. It takes a really good writer to write 3rd omniscient well.

8/16/2010 #81
Wildcard999

I think it's not working because we've got one random person encountering another random person, then another random person pops up and we don't know or care about these random people because we wouldn't know them from a hole in the wall. There is no character shown in anything I read. Not even the dialogue really gives an idea of who they are as people. Honestly, what little I saw looked stereotypical at best.

If we actually knew these people enough to give a damn, we wouldn't have such a problem keeping them straight.

It takes a really good writer to write 3rd omniscient well.

Really? I always thought it took a good writer to write 1st well. I'm starting to see a pattern here...^^

8/20/2010 #82
Vossago

It takes a really good writer to write 3rd omniscient well.

Really? I always thought it took a good writer to write 1st well. I'm starting to see a pattern here...^^

I think we can agree that it takes a good writer to write well.

Someone else should post a scene they need help with... I like this thread, but it's kind of all old stuff. I might post something of mine once I get to another action scene in my story...

8/21/2010 . Edited 8/21/2010 #83
obi-glasses

You rang? :3

Is he awake yet?" Throttle murmured, leaning on the doorframe of Charley's guest bedroom. The exhausted mechanic shook her head as she passed him.

"He doesn't sleep this deep even when he's tired," Charley said as she headed down the hall. The corner of Throttle's mouth quirked before he went over and sat on the bed next to Modo, his hand on the grey-furred mouse's left shoulder.

Modo had woken up once since they'd brought him back from the Pits yesterday- at least, he'd risen from coma-deep sleep to a light snooze, and then started mumbling in his sleep- something about mercy. Throttle had felt a distinct sickness whenever he heard Modo whimper in his sleep. The grey-furred mouse had a high pain tolerance, and anything that would make him scream- which he had done, according to several men that Vinnie had 'questioned'- would have probably completely blown the mind of a lesser mouse.

Throttle jumped when he felt Modo move slightly, then shoved his sunglasses further up his muzzle and looked down at the mouse. Modo's eye fluttered open, his bionically-enhanced pupil glowing red in the dim light.

"Modo?" Throttle said softly, gently ruffling the grey-furred mouse's cheek fluff. Modo let out a deep, pained growl, and Throttle quickly moved his hand back. "Modo, bro, it's me. It's Throttle."

"Throttle," Modo repeated, squinting at him. "Throttle.. where am I?"

"Charley's place." Throttle gripped Modo's remaining hand in his, silently trying to reassure Modo, and himself, that he was safe.

"The.. Pit Boss," Modo mumbled, slurring his words. "I.. "

"Shh." Throttle put Modo's hand on the grey-furred mouse's chest, patting him gently. "I'll go get you something to eat, okay? Don't fall asleep."

Once he was out in the hallway, Throttle looked around suspiciously, then quietly did a victorious, very bad imitation of carmelldansen.

0000 aaaand, two days later..

"Hi, Pie," Modo rumbled, looking up at the tall, brawny nurse. "You're not going to shove more things up my a**, are you?"

Pie let out a abrupt laugh before drowning it in a feigned coughing fit, then said "No. Are you going to keep asking me that every time you see me?"

"What do you think?" Modo snarked back, wiggling around until he was sitting up and Pie could reach his back. The dark-skinned nurse chuckled and shook her head.

"And some people say you're better than Vinnie," she commented as she gently pressed her stethescope to Modo's back. "Good lord, you sound like a earthquake."

"That's called a cold," Modo supplied. Pie made a face at him and moved the 'scope down, her right hand on his shoulder, gently massaging the still-sore area where his mechanical dock had been removed. Modo leaned against her touch slightly and sighed.

"Not suprised you have the sniffles, but it sounds like something else is in there too." Pie set aside her stethescope and sat down on the bed, pushing Modo back down.

"Not tonight, honey, I have a headache," Modo quipped. Pie snorted and slapped his chest gently, then leaned down to press her ear against his ribcage. The grey-furred mouse let out a series of deep breaths, occasionally coughing from his cold.

"Definately something weird going on in there," Pie murmured, sitting back up. "Oh, hey.. What's this?"

"What's wha- Ow!" Modo hissed as she pressed her fingertips against a barely-visible cut on his belly. "Don't touch that!"

"Looks like someone did impromtu surgery on you. Do Martians have appendixes?"

"No." Modo winced and batted her hand away, scowling at her. "You're the nurse, you should know that."

"Hey, it's not my fault Vinnie didn't want to go in the MRI machine. If he'd just taken off his mask and earrings and gotten into the gown, I'd know a hell of a lot more about you fluffies." Pie poked the cut again, leaning down with a magnifying glass to examine it. "Hey.. looks like superglue."

"Superglue?" Modo yelped.

"Sure. Surgeons use it all the time to close up incisions." Pie grinned at his shocked look. "Would you rather have staples?"

"Staples?"

"Oh, hush. Big wussy." Pie decided to leave the incision for now, instead sitting up to examine his stub of a right arm. "Ow. That looks like it hurt."

"It did. Still does." Modo's face fell a little bit, and he looked away as she took off his bandages.

"You know, I always thought your metal arm was pretty interesting," Pie tried to console him. Modo snorted.

"A lot of women find it 'interesting', doesn't mean they like it."

Pie sighed and went back to looking at his right side, poking at the still-exposed sliver of white bone. You are a stubborn one, aren't you?

"Ohhh.." Modo suddenly groaned loudly, bending over and wincing.

"What? What is it?"

"M-my stomach," the grey-furred mouse gasped. Pie wrapped his left arm around her shoulders and helped him stand up, walking him to the door.

"Hey!" Vinnie yelled as he peeked his head out of the bathroom. "Where you taking Modo?"

"Office," Pie said tersely.

"Why?"

"My stomach's gonna explode," Modo whimpered as he staggered down the stairs. Vinnie let out a startled squeak and darted back inside, and then yelled "Wait for me!"

8/22/2010 #84
Wildcard999

Hey, a party line! Sorry I'm late, but I just found out that my Mary Sue parody apparently has a scene that isn't enough about her...because of the fight scene!

I'd kind of like your opinion. Also, your opinion on how good the fight scene itself is. I know, I broke a rule of mine and make all the sentences pretty long, but I think the writing also sounds purpley (sp?). Not sure if that's a good idea or not, but I am supposed to be making fun of all the really stupid things Suethors do.

This is set in the Teen Titans cartoon universe. The Titans (and my mondo-powerful sue Rain/Power Surge/Marigold Susan Klishay) vs. the Hive Five.

BBBRRRIIINNNGGG!!!!!

Burglar alarms are so annoying!

My friends and I had just arrived at the scene but there was already a major exchange of gunfire and powers underway.

"Titans, just focus on the Hive; let the police worry about crowd control!" Robin shouted.

Oh Robin, you always know what to do! The Teen Titans charged into the fray and took over where the cops had left off.

The fight was pure chaos, but I remembered Robin saying something about matching my strengths with my opponent's weaknesses. My power allowed me to take out a bunch of people at once, so matching up with Billy Numerous made perfect sense. As I approached Billy and the other three Billys, each holding a large sack of money, I prepared an attack. The Billy's dropped their sacks and started advancing ominously, tossing out hillbilly come-on's at me (God, what a stupid redneck that guy was! Y'know, I think they should just educate those guys. Oh, and take their guns so they stop shooting people). I cringed at the vulgar dialogues, but kept my head and initiated my attack.

The whole battlefield fell silent, and I felt a stream of power flowing through me as I converted sound energy into kinetic energy and directed it ahead of me. The spread was wide, so I hit all four Billys at once and knocked them twenty feet into the bank behind them. Unfortunately, the blast kept going right into the bank itself and destroyed a good part of the lobby and the entire lower bank front. The upper level was just fine though.

"Oh no! Mammoth, get her!" Jinx diverted Mammoth away from his fight against Cyborg to charge headlong at me. Cyborg aimed a sonic blast at Mammoth, but was knocked to the ground by Beast Boy, whose fight with Kid Wiccan wasn't going so well. That was okay; Cy could help BB survive long enough for me to dispatch Mammoth.

I cartwheeled out of Mammoth's way to buy a little more time to plan my attack and loosed another shot when Mammoth turned around for a second charge. The area again grew quiet, and the blinding, white energy slammed into his colossal form and sent him flying into the police line. The cops scattered immediately, so Mammoth only dug a twenty foot trench though the asphalt. A quick glance while I moved on to rescue BB told me Mammoth was down for the count, languishing in the rubble while the police pounced on him.

Kid Wiccan was going to be a challenge. His powers let him teleport instantly, turn intangible, and he even cancelled BB's charge by using his cloak as some kind of dimensional gate, allowing BB to lumber on through, only to be sent back toward me. And Cyborg was now occupied with Gizmo, who had somehow opened an access panel on my teammate's back and was now attempting to rewire him.

Taking stock of Kid Wiccan's powers, I decided we weren't a good match and that we would be better served if I took somebody else. But BB was getting demolished by this guy, and I wasn't sure he'd last.

"BB, go help Cyborg! I'll take this guy."

"But—"

"Go!"

I wasn't really sure what I could do against this guy, but I knew that I had to do something. After all the time Robin spent on me, I was ready for anything—I had to be. The city was counting on me. Robin was counting on me.

"Give me your best shot."

Kid Wiccan just smirked at me then, as a ghost, darted toward me faster than I had ever thought possible. He sent punches at me almost as fast as Robin, but I had learned to fight against Robin, so I was able to block everything, though just barely. Kid Wiccan was beating me back, step-by-step, and I knew that eventually I would tire and he'd have the advantage. I had to act and I had to act soon.

"Power Surge!" Robin called me from across the urban battlefield*.

I start turn my head toward Robin's voice and instantly regret it as the next three of Kid Wiccan's hits land. Two are chest hits, but the last catches me across the temple. With the wind knocked out of me and my vision blurred beyond comprehension, I languish on the ground, completely useless to the team.

Kid Wiccan must have thought I was down for the count, but my mind was still working, and I was pissed. I was pissed that I had let myself get distracted. I was pissed that I let Kid Wiccan defeat me. And what's more, I was pissed that I let my team down! I let everyone down. The city, its citizens, the Titans, and most importantly, I let Robin down.

No! No, I am not going to let him down! Never! Get up, Rain, get up now! You can still win, you just have to think!

At the moment, thinking was not especially feasible, but Robin was counting on me. Kid Wiccan could counter everything I threw at him with his magic. I try to hit him, he blocks it with his super-tough arms. I try to tackle him, he sends me though his cape. I try to get him with my powers, he teleports out of the way. Nothing I can do will take him out.

Unless.

I stumbled to my feet, teetering around, trying not to black out. Robin was counting on me, so I had to push myself.

"Kid Wiccan!" My voice was weak and broke at the end from exhaustion and the pervading soreness in my chest, but I like to think he could still hear my resolve. I wouldn't give up—ever!

Kid Wiccan whipped around just in time for Starfire to charge harmlessly past him and carve a long furrow through the street. His face, passive as ever, conveyed more infuriating cockiness about his own skills than any grin ever could.

The rage built inside of me, and I allowed it to flow through me, animating my fatigued body. You will go down, Kid Wiccan!

Kid Wiccan floated closer, his arms deceptively hidden by his cloak. He seemed relaxed, but I knew that was just a trick; he could go from zero to sixty in nothing flat.

I waited until he was four feet away before hazarding the charge. This was my last shot at taking him out. My only shot. I was one foot away from Kid Wiccan when the quiet returned. But this time, it got dark too. And I didn't feel so heavy. I took it all. Everything. I took every scrap of energy around me, no matter what it was, hoping some of it was Kid Wiccan's magic, and I turned it into a bomb.

I thought it might be spectacular, going out with a bang, but I saw and heard nothing. Not even a whimper.

—oOo—

I'll be back later with my opinion on the scenes people have written, I just don't have them ready yet.

8/24/2010 . Edited 8/24/2010 #85
dartigen

I'm kind of wrestling with a huge battle scene. I'm having a hard time conveying just how chaotic the whole thing is - I've tried having crazy shifting perspectives between about 7-8 different characters, but I've been told it makes it too hard to read. And breaking up the perspectives seems to break the flow of the action.

Has anyone ever written huge melee battle scenes before? How did you go about approaching it?

8/25/2010 #86
Wildcard999

I wouldn't say I've really done chaotic, but I've done high-energy action scenes that move fast.

Here're some examples:

Freedom For All scroll down to the X-Men introduction

Joke's On Batman just scroll until you see "RRROWROWWWWROW!"

Chaotic isn't easily conveyed, mostly because it requires knowing what happens, knowing what the POV character has missed and only writing what the POV character manages to see and realize as things are happening. If the POV character has no idea what's going on, it must be pretty chaotic. Add in high-energy action writing and that's pretty much your scene.

*From mod: I removed the link. Even though I know you well enough to know that you don't self-plug when you're not supposed to, links aren't allowed in critique topics.

8/25/2010 . Edited by Rhea Silverkeys, 8/26/2010 #87
Wildcard999

Oops, sorry about that. Yes, I was just trying a quick-reference thing since Freedom is a multi-chapter fic. It's still the first chapter though.

Anyway, I know this is a double post, but since I can't edit I'll let someone else do it if you need to.

Honestly, I think the reason having all those people in Ripdos's excerpt is so confusing is because we get absolutely no background on these people at all. We have no idea who they are, don't learn who they are through the course of the scene, and therefore have no way to keep them straight. Names have one use. Remind you of everything you know about the person with that name so you know who is being discussed. But we don't know anything about them, so we've got three or so faceless people doing things we don't care about because we have no idea who they are. It's like trying to follow a movie with just the sound track.

Oberon: An ellipsis is … and a - connects two words, but -- is an interruption.

Woken isn't a word. The word is awoke. He awoke, not he had woken up. Or he had awakened. This comes from a conversation my straight-A English student mother had with me a few months ago. Or, rant, actually.

The exhausted mechanic shook her head as she passed him.

Is the first 'she' Throttle or Charley? If it's Charley, you need a new paragraph to indicate that.

Modo had awakened once since they'd brought him back from the Pits yesterday--at least, he'd risen from coma-deep sleep to a light snooze, and then started mumbling in his sleep--something about mercy.

The dash really isn't working in the first part of the sentence, especially since you interrupt yourself for a second time just before the end.

…would have completely blown the mind of a lesser mouse.

Normally you'd use this phrase for something like an amazing number of bean bags, a surprising amount of crap dropped by some large animal, a revelation about apple sauce, or something similarly inconsequential, but still amazing. But powerful, scary or awe-inspiring? Not so much. This phrase has too much of a comical connotation from popular use to really be taken seriously. You are much better off using a phrase or verb that more directly illustrates just how horrific and painful that amount of pain is. Destroyed, killed, driven insane, etc.

Throttle said softly…

Said softly or whispered?

I didn't read the entire thing, but I skimmed the rest. This is supposed to be an action scene, but I haven't seen any action in it yet. I do see some high energy, but nothing lasts for more than a few seconds. Action scenes have high energy throughout the scene and although they tend to last for at least a few minutes, you can still have one that's shorter. But once the action is over, the action scene is over.

Edit: I forgot to ask, what fandom is this for? You never mentioned it. I was surprised and confused when you said Modo was a mouse and even more surprised and confused when I found out the others weren't human either. This is a very important thing to mention when you post in a general forum.

8/31/2010 . Edited 8/31/2010 #88
Vossago

@dartigen: I've written a chapter where a city was destroyed, using about... I don't know, maybe 8 or 9 different perspectives, probably about as many as you're trying. If you want to make it chaotic, maybe it should be a little hard to follow? I mean, being in the middle of an epic battle in real life would be hard to follow.

Gah, trying to post a sample for critique but it takes out all my paragraph breaks... Any help?

9/1/2010 . Edited 9/1/2010 #89
AbCarter

Gah, trying to post a sample for critique but it takes out all my paragraph breaks... Any help?

Reinsert them manually. Sorry, nothing else to be done. If you copy a lot of text into a reply box on this forum, the text is going to be treated as one big paragraph.

9/2/2010 #90
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