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Rhea Silverkeys

I found the Faithful bit confusing, as well, because it was capitalised and I couldn't remember anything in LotR that was called Faithful. If the Faithful is something most fans will not know about, I suggest using 'a small resistance group' in the summary instead of naming them, and then going into detail in the actual story. Because if they don't know who the Faithful are in the first place, resistance group tells potential readers a lot more than the actual name? If you want to keep the name in the summary, saying "A small group of the Faithful" instead of "A small group of Faithful" is a lot less confusing.

How about this?

AU. The Quest failed. Sam killed Gollum before the Ring could be destroyed and now darkness rules the lands of Middle-Earth. A small resistance group battles both hunger and mistrust in their mission to keep hope alive. But will the sacrifices outweigh the gain?

6/1/2010 #361
Ragnelle

Thank you!

The Faithful are mentioned in Appendix A:

It was Tar-Atanamir who first spoke openly against the Ban and declared that the life of the Eldar was his by right. Thus the shadow deepened, and the thought of death darkened the hearts of the people. Then the Númenoreans became divided: on the one hand were the Kings and those who followed them, and were estranged from the Eldar and the Valar; on the other were the few who called themselves the Faithful. They lived mostly in the west of the land. (RotK, App A, The Númenorean Kings)

Elendill was the last leader of the Faithful in Númenor - basically they were the ones that survived the fall of Númenor. I thought the name fitting. But it might be too obscure a reference. One reason that I am not quite happy with "a small resistance group" is that it sounds like the resistance is a very small group, but it is a small group from the resistance-movement I am talking about. If that makes sense. I don't have to use the name "Faithful" in the summary, though.

The rewrite you gave is a bit too long, sadly, so:

AU. The Quest failed. Sam killed Gollum before the Ring could be destroyed and now darkness rules the lands of Middle-earth. A small group of the resistance battles both hunger and mistrust, to keep hope alive. But will the sacrifices outweigh the gain?

6/1/2010 #362
melisse

I was wondering if someone could say how the summary of my latest story I posted sounds, since frankly I'm not enterily happy with it myself (I suck at summaries and titles -_-'). It's a oneshot, meant as humor, for Stargate Atlantis. You probably get a better idea of the content reading it, but in short.... somehow all the adults in Atlantis start acting like children. John Sheppard is the only that still acts like a adult. At the end of the end of the oneshot it gets clear that that was just a nightmare John experienced that resulted out of babysitting duty of a bunch of kids the day before.

Title is Looking after the kids. And this is the summary: Babysitting children leads to nightmares. It's true!

I don't really like the summary I have now, but I have troubles coming up with a better one. Thanks for the help!

6/1/2010 #363
Ragnelle

Do you want to put names in the summary or not? If you don't mind, you could perhaps uses something like:

Babysitting children leads to nightmares. John Sheppard finds that out the hard way.

6/2/2010 #364
melisse

No, I don't have anything against names in summaries. And thank you, I like that one much better than the one I have now. :) As soon as I have a bit more time I'm going to change the summary in the one you gave.

6/2/2010 #365
Ragnelle

Happy to help. I find summaries hard.

Yet another attempt on my own. It has become rather long, so I had to cut a little:

AU. The Quest failed. Sam killed Gollum before the Ring was destroyed and now darkness rules the lands of Middle-earth. A small group from the resistance battles both hunger and mistrust, to keep hope alive. But will the sacrifices outweigh the gain?

6/2/2010 #366
Dejsha's World

Sounds good (a little confused about outway the gain) and maybe its a little long, but its good.

6/2/2010 #367
twin.delphine

Thumbs up for the summary Ragnelle. But I almost got confused with the "But will the sacrifices outweigh the gain?"

Not to say that it's bad, it's just a little too "tongue-tied" for some people to understand. Maybe you can make it simpler for the readers?

Here's a little (shotgun) idea for an alternative:

But will the sacrifices be worth it?

This is just an opinion of course.

6/3/2010 #368
Ragnelle

I am at least getting better at this ;)

I guess "sacrifices outweigh the gain" is a little round-about way of saying it. Usually it is the gain that outweighs the pain. I'll think about simplifying it, though I usually don't like to do that too much. Summaries might not be the best place to be complicated though ;)

Thank you, both.

6/3/2010 #369
Rhea Silverkeys

melisse: Your original summary didn't have any names, so from a glance you can't tell who is in your story. The second one has a name so immediately you know which character is going to be the main one, therefore it draws in anyone who likes that character =)

Ragnelle: I think "But will the sacrifices be worth it?" has the same meaning as "sacrifices outweigh the gain", and when I read "sacrifices outweigh the gain" I wasn't confused, but that's just me...if lots of people might get a bit confused by it, it might be an idea to use a simpler phrase...

6/3/2010 #370
Ragnelle

You are right, Rhea: if many gets confused, it is better to simplify.

My problem with "Will the sacrifices be worth it?" (now that I have thought a little on it) is that I feel I loos the sense of having to choose. In the story, my protagonists will have to determine whether the potential gain is outweighs the risks they must take, and find out whether they will merely swap one evil for another, or if they will accomplish some good. The connotations of this is missing - to me - in "Will the sacrifices be worth it?"

How does this sound: "Will the risks outweigh the gain?"

6/3/2010 #371
twin.delphine

@Ragnelle: There's a difference between "risks" & "sacrifice", whether in context or in the dictionary. Save me the time & energy to explain, the meaning can be found all over the Internet.

I don't recommend a total revamp of the short little sentence of yours, but perhaps you can find an alternative to bring down the level of language for less advanced readers & writers alike to understand. Especially when "outweigh" is not a common word used in many areas at all.

I still got an example I've come up with, but perhaps you can find something that fits your original purpose for the sentence.

"But how much will they sacrifice for their goals?"

I admit I'm not a very good writer (I'm still writing the first chapter of my story :( ), but I help whenever I can.

Try not to put the level of your story language too high or you'll lose a part of your intended audience.

6/3/2010 #372
Ragnelle

So it is 'outweigh' that is the problem? I thought it was the syntax that was the problem, or 'sacrifice'. I am not sure if I want to bring down the language-level; I do not in the story itself and the subject is dark enough that it does not fit too young an audience anyway. It feels a little arrogant (okey - a lot) to say this, but if 'outweigh' is too advanced, then I guess I write for advanced readers. I am not a naive speaker, so the idea that my English is advances feels strange to me, but... If what I write is wrong or unclear because I have used words wrongly, or used expressions that can't really be used in English etc, I want to fix that. If the problem is unusual words that otherwise fit the context and style - not as willing. Sorry about that, but my intended audience is someone that either understands more unusual words, or are happy to learn. Or not bothered by it.

6/5/2010 #373
Ifab1ndiya

I think outweigh is a simple term itself but who knows, maybe people consider it like an idiom(I'm not saying it is anything like that). Like in terms of language, like people who are native speakers of English may be more familar with the word outweigh like they are with idioms. But I never thought of it that way myself.

A good substitute could also be: "Will the sacrifice be worth the gain?" Simplier and straight to the point if you don't want to use 'outweigh'. But means the same thing.

6/5/2010 . Edited 6/5/2010 #374
Poisonous Picasso

MelloxNear. Without Mello, Near can't find a reason to live. Because, after all, who wants a passionless existence?

Be honest, how bad is it? What can I do to improve it?

Thanks!

x

6/15/2010 #375
twin.delphine

I'll be honest. It's too vague & short. Especially "MeeloxNear."

The first sentence makes it sound like a short fandom. If you're looking into writing a professional story I believe a complete revamp would be good.

My apologies if I'm being too harsh. The summary didn't really catch my attention.

6/15/2010 . Edited 6/15/2010 #376
Maiafay

I agree with twin. You're supposed to tease main plot points/conflict in the summary. What happens that makes Near not want to live without Mello? Does Mello have an accident? Does Mello find another? It's very vague to me and no, would not make me read. I would need more info to suggest a better summary.

6/16/2010 #377
twin.delphine

Allow me to suggest something before you reformat your summary. You can put down the points that you can think of for the story's summary. Get something that can attract readers. A simple ___x___ is not enough for readers to demand more.

Alternatively you can try writing down a bit of your story on the computer or a notebook. Then you might be able to think of something good to intro the story to readers.

Cheers :P

6/16/2010 #378
Poisonous Picasso

Thank you, no, it wasn't too harsh actually. If I hadn't been expecting replies and critism I wouldn't have posted it. XD and actually, it's a oneshot, it's Near's suicide note and how Geavanni finds his body next to a pair of footprints that look suspicously like Mello's. Epic failure. XDD

6/16/2010 #379
Abandoned.See new ZefronsAngel

What do you think of summaries that are an interesting couple sentences from your fic?

6/17/2010 #380
Rhea Silverkeys

MelloxNear. Without Mello, Near can't find a reason to live. Because, after all, who wants a passionless existence?

Thank you, no, it wasn't too harsh actually. If I hadn't been expecting replies and critism I wouldn't have posted it. XD and actually, it's a oneshot, it's Near's suicide note and how Geavanni finds his body next to a pair of footprints that look suspicously like Mello's. Epic failure. XDD

Your summary sounded like it was just a romantic story. Probably a bit angsty. So I wouldn't have gone near it unless I knew the fandom and wanted/didn't mind reading about the pairing. Perhaps you could mention something about someone having committed suicide or someone finding the note if you don't want readers to know yet who committed suicide.

What do you think of summaries that are an interesting couple sentences from your fic?

I think they are another way of pulling potential readers into the story - they read some sentences that make them want to find out more. But you need to pick good sentences, and this method wouldn't work for every story.

6/17/2010 . Edited 6/17/2010 #381
Abandoned.See new ZefronsAngel

I tried to do that for the story I just submitted to the WA Self-Insert Challenge today. It's going to be a two-shot, but it is complete on it's own.

EDIT: What do you think of this summary? Concrit appreciated as I suck at summaries. This is for an upcoming story I'm going to be writing:

I lied about who my prom date was. I lied about the ring on my finger. I lied about my baby. But now, I'm cornered. I can't find a lie that will get me out of this forced marriage.

6/17/2010 . Edited 6/19/2010 #382
twin.delphine

What do you think of summaries that are an interesting couple sentences from your fic?

I think they are another way of pulling potential readers into the story - they read some sentences that make them want to find out more. But you need to pick good sentences, and this method wouldn't work for every story.

It depends on what kind of stories you want to write of course. Each story has varying ways of interesting methods to introduce themselves; some has a catch phrase that immediately invites the reader to take a look inside. It just depends on how you want to promote your story & make it stand out from the rest.

6/20/2010 #383
Rhea Silverkeys

dancer: I thought that was a pretty good summary. It's really interesting and you want to know just what the character has been lying about (unless lying about the prom date, ring and baby are canon, and therefore known to anyone who knows the fandom) as well as how this forced marriage has come about.

6/21/2010 #384
Abandoned.See new ZefronsAngel

Thanks:) And no, none of that is canon. The story I'm writing could probably be considered a little AU.

6/21/2010 #385
Rhea Silverkeys

Is it for the High School Musical fandom?

6/21/2010 #386
Abandoned.See new ZefronsAngel

Yeah.

6/22/2010 #387
PixyMisa87

Yeah I think I think need help with my summery. This is for a Dragon ball Z fan fiction.

Bardock s team wants to fight. Nach s team wants treasure. Now thanks to accidents, friends and even enemies these two very different teams have to work together. The road ahead is a very bumpy one. Precious things will gained as well as lost.

Any suggestions would be nice.

7/5/2010 #388
pyrrhicvictoly

I'm not great with summaries myself, but I think that summary is a pretty good start. It's straightforward enough that I get the gist of the story. There are a few things that could be cleaned up, though.

The first thing I noticed was the absence of apostrophes. It should be Bardock's and Nach's rather than a space between the name and the possessive -s. Then there was the beginning of the third sentence, Now thanks to accidents, friends and even enemies, which felt clunky. It doesn't flow very well, and I don't know if it's adding anything to list these vague things.

7/5/2010 #389
Abandoned.See new ZefronsAngel

Bardock's team wants to fight. Nach's team wants treasure. But now, thanks to accidents, friends and even enemies, these two very different teams, have to work together.

I think this sounds like a good summary! The last couple sentences don't flow well enough IMO.

7/5/2010 #390
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