|Kitsune no Tora
My review for PikaYoshiGirl:
Hiya! :D I'm reviewing this for the story review game on Writer's Anonymous.I will say in advance that while I have played SSB, I only played Melee casually, so forgive me that I don't know anything about who the original eight are or get any references. ^^;This is very well written! The idea piqued my interest right away, and the way you talked about the first 8 made them sound like amazing legends of old or something like that. It got me interested from the first few lines, so that's a great start.Although I was confused on one thing. 'The infamous mushroom people'? Don't the mushroom people serve Princess Peach, making them good/famous, instead of infamous? Infamy is reserved for villains, it means to have a very bad reputation.Minor mistakes: 'This story starts with the first hero, the one who started it all. He's probably also the most well known...the one whom you know of as Mario 'Mario' of the Mushroom Kingdom.' --Need a period after 'the one whom you know of as Mario'.'Balling his fists, he decided to make a grand entrance by punching down the castle's front of them fell down with a booming THUD.' --I think you're missing a few words here, he was breaking down the castle's door, right?But otherwise this was very interesting and a nice read.
I would like a review on my oneshot The Legend of Damien.4/28/2010 #271
My review for Kitsune no Tora.
Although I have no background story of what you've based your one shot on, I did enjoy this small chapter and would have loved to have read more. Its very well written and the interaction between characters is spot on. I normally only read fanfictions that are inside my interests zone but after reading your little piece, I can happily say I'm pleased I walked outside the box and found inspiration at the same time.
The only thing I disliked slightly was the pausing every so often in Leonel used like 'What are you making, d-dear?' and 'That's great, honey. C-Can I see it?'.
That may just be my viewpoint, after all I believe Leonel is a child and understand not all children have the greatest speech in the world. But besides all of that, I did enjoy your one shot and look forward to seeing whatelse you can create.
Please could you review my story The White Demon Calls
Thank you :)4/30/2010 #272
My review for White Demon-
Very nicely written, but a few things that rubbed me the wrong way-
"Hello Sarah." this may be just me, but there should probably be a comma after 'hello'.
"Sarah's eyes widened as she now understood what this scene meant, Jareth was dead." period, not a comma- makes more of a dramatic impact.
"Sarah's voice had a become saddened as she felt a pain in her heart." you should change that to "Sarah's voice took on a sad tone as she felt sorrow in her heart".
There's some other petty stuff that really doesn't matter, I think this has been well done but you should proofread a teensy bit more. Typos hide everywhere, damn them :p
Would appreciate some concrit on Bleed: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5937964/1/Bleed5/3/2010 #273
Sorry, the story has been taken down. Is there another you'd like a review on?5/6/2010 #274
Well, we haven't gotten an answer back on that so I decided to just pick one. This is my review for So Many Tough Decisions:This is kind of a funny little ficlet, although I can almost hear the canned laughter in the background. Funny name though. Just the right amount of sarchasm. ;) //"And they keep her too busy to jump up onto my desk."// Pretty good. You have his syntax almost perfect. The only thing is, he never begins a sentence with 'And' since that is technically grammatically incorrect (although it's become more common in writing and speech). His program just doesn't allow it. Also, he would vary his words, so one time he might say 'aesthetically pleasing' and another time he might say 'acceptable' or 'satisfactory'. //"Yes, I have. This tabby female-" Data guestured to a orange and red kitten "-is Fluffy." Data blinked in confusion when Fen'ra burst into giggles. "Have I said something amusing?"// You've been good about creating a new paragraph when other people speak, but when other people react you need a new paragraph too. So after 'is Fluffy' you need a new paragraph. Also, you need commas before all quotes that don't have any punctuation preceding them. So you need a comma after red kitten too. You did a good job letting the reader know that Fen'ra was a cat girl, although it seems kind of...conveniently coincidental. Another reason it has such a sitcom feel to it. You could do with a little more description of her appearance though; there's nothing about her coat or age. Oh, and fyi, for the first couple of paragraphs I thought Fen'ra was an android, like Lal II or something.
I don't have a preference for my next review, just something. Be warned though, Good Night needs a prequal to seem IC and my first three fics have not been rewritten yet.5/7/2010 #275
I've cleaned this thread, please read the rules in the first post if you are not familiar with this game.
It's time to review something from Darkwinter999, she's not nominated a specific story so choose anything you like from her profile:
Thank you. :)5/15/2010 . Edited 5/15/2010 #276
Ouch, my reply got deleted, didn't it?
reveiw for Heroes:
Very, very creepy. You seem to do a good job at the doom and gloom style, the type where you can't tell what's going on. One thing I'm confused about is why you took so much time, that is, two chapters. You did end on a good note. The cliff hanger is good, and does make me want to read more. I suppose as this is Batman we're talking about, it's okay.
Can I post my story now? A Study in Velvet. Or review any of my other stories. I'm getting a feeling I should keep to comedy.5/16/2010 #277
Review for A Study in Velvet
I posted this before, but it was one of the items that got deleted, so I hope I don't forget anything.
Your dialogue is really good, I can hear the characters talking in my head.
I'd like the story to start with more description or a little more background. The way it starts leaves me wondering who the character is, and why he or she is important.
The numbers for the foot notes confused me a lot. I had to read over chapter one a few times before I realized what they were for.
"I lay out my roommate's magnifying glass" This line goes from your usual past tense to present tense.
I'm not super familiar with the discworld books, so I'm not sure if the slang that you use is typical of the stories or not.
Even though the next chapter is short, I actually like it a lot better. I can see some improvements that you've done from the feedback in the review, and it's very impressive. I hope you continue with the story.
Please review A Dance of Minds if anyone would be so kind
Any of the chapters would be fine. It's a fic based on the game Mass Effect 2.5/16/2010 #278
Reviewed A Dance of Minds:
What comes up must be on helium. From the very first lines, I started noting a streak of flawlessness. Down to the italics, you used a different technique to present the action. For an introduction, this is an achievement. Until italics, however. As soon as my eyes darted over the difficult to read curved text (italics slow down readers), the Geiger meter started crackling: the same method to create tension popped again and again. Yes, fragments are lovely, and they depict a character's disposition wonderfully, but by the end I was unimpressed with sentences that click together like sounds of a metronome. Monotone. Even the dialogue I praised you for started repeating itself. No, not the words uttered by characters, but commentary. "His voice trailed off." = "Her tone was curious". Sentence structure is a step above vocabulary, and I am sure I can ask for varied word arrangements for a reason below. As I stepped to the second chapter and scrolled through the rest, I realised that not everything you find in this review will be useful. Apparently, a writer can bring change in visual presentation over a period under thirty days. No matter, the entryway to your story should be as magnificent as every top notch chapter, but I digress due to the positive message that doesn't really help your writing evolve. I am rather confused by your mottoes/tiny texts in loathsome italics before every chapter. With all due respect to literature, I skip them, for I find them useless and unmotivating. Surely, one motto insert is enough to create an aesthetic feel, like the free biscuit you get with a teacup in a finer cafe, but why would I want a biscuit along with every following order? For me, it doesn't make any sense, and I discovered other readers don't really bother with such dubious preambles. They're disruptive, and if you ever decide to carry on with intense action, they break the flow of your story like a loading screen. This is when I have you wonder how many separators is too much in a chapter. Comic books and soaps flea jump across locations and time lines because their format allows it. In literature, especially in longer works, this is an interruption, which I often find as a simple cover for the writer's inability to tie scenes together with words. Speaking in graphics, the extra separator is like an overcapitalised scream; it lifts the burden of commenting. A much less disrupting idea would be to flesh out a scene, give it multi-dimensional volume by letting it have a whole chapter. Whether this can work out for the current format, you decide, but readers are not usually keen on fragmentation in longer works that require thinking. That aside, I don't suggest changing the visual form of your narrative. Description blends in with dialogue, paragraph look cutesy and professional, albeit simplistic, which is more a matter of personal taste rather than an obligation. Characters appear believable and talk enough to give us the idea what is happening, but not too much to look like walking chatterboxes. Emotions are portrayed, which is a wondrous 'check' to compliment the T rating, and I am overall impressed by the writer's professional behaviour in author's notes. Yes, there could have been less of that because I come for the story, not pleads and apologies (hint for action), and still they have the air of diligence. Exactly why I come to expect a bit more than from an average FFN member here. When you are above a mass, every step further into the distance becomes harder and more rewarding. While a novice improves in leaps, an experienced writer can only dream of such movement. This is not a complete review, far from it. In case you would like something extra, though, I would be happy to assist and scrutinise the writing from a different perspective. For now, I wouldn't wish to overload a writer. Have a nice, abuse-free day.
A review for Blazing Mental would be nice.5/19/2010 #279
My Review for "Blazing Mental"
Alright. Now I doubt that I'm going to be able to give a satisfactory critique to someone who managed to create over half an essay about a single chapter of one story. But I'll have to do my best. Your initial writing is superb. it draws the reader in with a Deep thought and leads right into the story cleanly and smoothly.
My first problem however is once the transition is over, your smack the reader with combat gear and equipment, with no explanation for how it got on him. Other than he doesn't know, Rouge having a unlink to his head, and he is being controlled by GUN....
It's not a major problem, or one that is incredibly blaring, but it kills the momentum created by the lead. Forcing you to gain lost ground, something that the rest of the chapter just doesn't do.
Your overall writing is good, simple yet able to convey the greatness of actions. However you occasionaly slip into simple language, "It hurt like crazy" just doesn't move very well when it's sitting next to descriptions like 'stoned puppet'
All of these criticism are based off the first chapter alone, often the single most importation point of the story, so if their is some error that you address later on, I made these comments without that knowledge.
I look forward to reading the rest of the story
I would like it if someone read, "Epinephrine". It's my latest story, and I feel that it has the best voice out of all my works, yet I'm not shure what its true quality is.5/21/2010 . Edited 5/21/2010 #280
My review for "Epinephrine":
The way everything is centered took some getting used to - but I assume you did it on purpose for poetic reasons. Having the whole thing have such a battlefield feel isn't my usual thing, but I admit that once I really started reading it, I kept going through to the end, and felt I understood approximately what was happening to the narrator, step by step. (Despite my general ignorance of just why this battle was happening in the first place.) Be warned that I know virtually nothing about Sonic the Hedgehog, and I've never considered myself much of a poetry critic, especially not of "free verse," so I DON'T claim to have any brilliant ideas on how to make this a much better Sonic the Hedgehog poem, but I will offer a few little points that occurred to me along the way.
One thing that made me smile, for some reason, was when the narrator puts disinfectant on a fresh bullet wound and then the next line is just three words, saying deadpan (of the patient): "He loves that." Even before I moved on to the next line, which gave a more accurate description of the patient's reaction, I suspected you were using sudden irony to catch the reader by surprise and lighten the mood a little.
Now for a few bits and pieces of constructive criticism:
* It's paint vanishes, splashed around by dings and dents as they leap onto it's frame. *
Two things bother me about that line. First, the question of what's leaping onto the frame. At first glance, it seems to me that "they leap" means the leaping is done by the "dings and dents" you just mentioned a moment earlier. That's hard to visualize. After thinking it over, I suspected you meant something else entirely - such as a burst of bullets - did all the leaping, but it isn't clear.
The other problem is that twice in that line you say "it's" - with an apostrophe - when it should be "its" (without any punctuation) instead.
The possessive form of a noun usually ends with an apostrophe and then an S (as in "John's book" or "the dog's tail"), but "it" is only a pronoun, and the rules are different. The possessive form doesn't take an apostrophe. Instead, "it's" is only correct when we want a contraction for "it is" or "it has." Some of the times you said "it's" in this piece, you had it right, but in several other cases - including the two times in this line - you had it wrong. It should have been "its paint" and "its gun."
* Giant robot, almost twelve stories, covered in shiny metal, bursts out of the building. *
This one is probably nitpicky - but to me, saying the robot is "covered" in shiny metal suggests that the narrator is convinced that the shiny metal is not inherently part of the robot. Just as the clothes that cover my body as I type this are not inherently part of my body. I find myself imagining a giant robot made out of something other than shiny metal, which took the trouble to pull on some detachable armor (gigantic breastplate and helmet and so forth?) before bursting out the building. I'm not sure that's what you wanted to convey. (However, I'm not in a position to know exactly how you visualized the robot, or wanted the readers to visualize it, so I don't really know if you need to change the word "covered" or not. This probably boils down to a question of personal taste.)
* We radio, repeating the call that had so many others have, and watch as that laugh of assurance changes to a scream of rage, like a fat brat that just had his toy taken away. *
"The call that had so many others have"? I feel as if a few words are missing from that clause - because it leaves me confused. I'm not clear on just what you're trying to say about "the call" and what may have already happened, in connection with the call, to "so many others."
* Hundreds of ships appear, blazing like angles of heavenly glory *
Pretty sure you meant "angels," not "angles."
Down toward the end of the poem: "He say's thanks. I nod."
"Says," not "say's."
I would appreciate a review on a one-shot story I posted a few months ago: "Gotham's Tarnished Knight." It will make a lot more sense if you've actually seen the Batman movie "The Dark Knight" which was released a couple of years ago; it is set shortly after that movie's shock ending.6/8/2010 #281
|Abandoned.See new ZefronsAngel
I've never seen the movie, but I read and reviewed:) Here's the review:
The words you chose to use to explain/describe things in this story were good:) For example, 'the pointy-eared silhouette.' I think that was the best one.
I like the beginning of the fic. The first paragraph is a strong beginning for the story. I know that most people judge a story by the first 1-2 paragraphs, so that's good you wrote it well.
Overall, I think you did a great job with writing. It's been a little while since I read a fic with good description:)
Here's my story: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5845599/1/Whatever_it_Takes I know most people hate High School Musical, but I'll see what happens anyway....you don't have to read every chapter. I would suggest reading one near the beginning if you're not a fan of romance or fluff.6/10/2010 #282
Here's my review for Lorendiac's story. The previous review was rather short, so I thought I'd throw one in for this fic, too :)
Wow! I really like your style. It's captivating. The dialogue, the tone, the atmosphere... It was hard for me to find fault with this piece, so the little things I point out are probably really nitpicky.
One thing that I noticed were the ellipses. You used three periods with spaces between them. I'm pretty sure that's also correct, but I thought it was a bit unusual, and sometimes the spacing actually pushed the last period onto the next line on my screen.
In the line beginning with "Higgins grimaces, then added" there was a tense change. "Added" should be "adds" for consistency. That was the only time this happened, so I guess it was just a little slip-up.
Anyway, I loved the atmosphere in the first scene, and also Bruce's conversation with Alfred. I actually laughed at that. Really! It had just that little bit of humor to brighten up the piece. When Alfred had to fight back the urge to say "I told you so," I just went, "Oh, Alfred... How I love you so... I used to read Batman comics as a kid, but I've never delved into the fandom enough to have read many fics. This was very well-written, and definitely a great read!
And my review for dancer4ever113:
Well, I haven't watched HSM, but your story was very clear and easy to follow. In this review, I'll be focusing more on style/flow and other miscellaneous things rather than grammar. There are a few grammar things I could point out if I looked really hard for them, but nothing hinders comprehension, so it's really not much of a problem.
The prose was a little more simple than I'm used to reading, but still effective. I feel like I got to know Gabriella's character, her motivations and desires, through just the first chapter of your writing. I like the way you portray her. She seems like a very strong, independent girl. There wasn't as much of a focus on Troy, but it's a nice setup.
The first few lines were strong. I liked the poetic choppiness, but then I snapped out of the story at the second paragraph. You might want to consider using some sort of line break instead of saying "flashback" and "end of flashback", because having those there feels like you couldn't come up with a better way to segue in and out of scenes. Even just switching into italics would give the reader enough of a clue, though I'd personally prefer line breaks.
There are also a LOT of flashbacks for just this one chapter. There are other ways you could organize this, like maybe having all the flashback scenes together and then when they're over, letting the reader know that "Gabriella snapped out of her reverie" or something like that. With a little rewording and some tense changes, you could even structure it so that the flashbacks are completely integrated with the present.
With Jenna's character, is she like that in the movies? I know she's supposed to be Gabriella's foil here, but she seems rather over-the-top with her nastiness. I don't know if she has to be vilified that much for Gabriella to outshine her.
The Nintendo DS... This is going to be really nitpicky. (Sorry! This just caught my eye because I used to be a h*** gamer.) Again, I haven't watched HSM, but I know it first came out in 2006. The DS, meanwhile, was released in 2004. If Gabriella was in high school in 2006, then I don't think it's possible for her sister to have a DS circa...1996? That's Gameboy era. "Nintendo DS game" could easily be changed into something more neutral, like "video game", which I think would sound more natural. If this is something that happens in canon, though, please feel free to ignore my comments. Yeah, sometimes movies don't pay attention to these things, either :)
Overall, this was a much easier read than I thought it would be. Even though I'm almost completely unfamiliar with HSM, I was able to get a very clear sense of the characters. And don't worry, it wasn't boring! I actually found it enjoyable. Keep up the good work!
Hmm... I'd like a review for Hora Mortis Nostrae: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6009372/1/Hora_Mortis_Nostrae I tried a different writing style for this one, and I'm not sure I did a good job. It's a character study, and only rated M for violence and foul language, no sexual situations.
I'd also be okay with a review of Bravery, if you can handle some brief mentions of touchy subjects. It has some non-con/dub-con elements as well as mentions of WWII Japanese war crimes - all non-graphic. I'm not sure this one will make much sense to anyone outside of Hetalia fandom, though.
*edited to fix spaces - I hope they didn't turn out as huge globs on the reviews I submitted!6/10/2010 . Edited 6/10/2010 #283
I have a tendency to review as I go along so here goes... Beautiful, beautiful quote at the beginning. An excellent choice; very powerful. So is your imagery in the first section of this, and the choice of present tense makes it feel even more poetic. The words flow so well- it's striking. In the second paragraph of the second section you do switch from past to present in a single line. I get the effect you were going for there with the "She remembers his warm skin and slender fingers" style wise but with that being the only present tense sentence in that paragraph it comes off as more of a mistake or mistype than anything else. The rest of that section and the third (especially the end of the third) was truly stunning. I loved the comparison you drew with his hands- from artist to killer, how that changed him, and changed how she felt about him. I have no critique on the rest of this, to be honest. Sorry if that isn't exactly what you would like, but what you've done here is so powerful, something that stays in the heart and mind for quite some time. In regards to the touchy subject matter I think you handled it with respect, subtlety and grace. Very, very well done. -Tucker
I would like it if someone took the time to review Guarding the Spark, but it is eight chapters, so if that's too lengthy for you, Quicksilver needs a little love, too.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5940079/1/Quicksilver6/10/2010 . Edited 6/10/2010 #284
|Loving Companion Cube
Hey there! Saw your story on the story review game in Writers Anonymous and since this is story had no love, I'll give it some, because I really like it!
Short but a very poetic insight of a soldier. The desperate fight to survive, the musings South has while her surroundings - probably - are hellish. You manage to give hints about her situation which leaves a lot of room to interpret them and the overall situation. What happened between her and Wash? Did she shot him out of mercy? Did he betrayed her or did she betry him? Very interesting, powerful and puzzleing.
If someone would bother to take a look atand leave some constructive crtics, I'd appreciate it a lot. Still only one short introductional chapter so not much to read6/11/2010 #285
Just a reminder, some of the reviews lately have been erring on the short side. Remember, if you want a review you need to give to get. Please try to review thoughtfully and commit to at least two to three insightful paragraphs.
Okay, right? YAY!6/11/2010 #286
My Review for Swaying Dogma:
You've drawn me in initially with the expectation of horror.
I was expecting the priest from the first two paragraph to be brutally dismembered by a Vampire who will laugh at his religion and stomp on him with fury.
By the end I'm feverishly searching my bible for quotes to knock him loose from his precarious religious stance.
You've taken what the audience expects, and stunned them with a twist that is never expected. A good trick.
Grammer wise: A couple commas are needed in the first paragraph. And I feel like the italicized moments need...significance.
Reading through it the second time, I could not find something that attached the moments to the story.
Yes, they make good 'shock and awe', but they would function better if tied into the narrative.
Finally, very good discription of the...blood. ...it seemed realistic...the blood...and I was very......err...umm.....disturbed.....by the....blood.....
So, uh, good description.....of...the blood. yeah....
Overall a very tightly written chapter. Keep up the caliber.
I would like of review for "200 BPM", the Renamed "Epinephrine", I've applied all previous criticism, and have added some details to make it shine.6/11/2010 . Edited 6/11/2010 #287
My Review for "200 BPM":
Hello there! I absolutely love critiquing stories. *rubs hands together* And while I don't know much about Sonic the Hedgehog, it was a good read, and you didn't really need to know much about the fandom to enjoy it. :)
I'm sorry if I sound overly-critical, but I tend to really nit-pick when it comes to critiquing. Bear with me, please, and keep in mind that I did really enjoy reading your story!
First of all, the way the story was formatted really turned me off. I like paragraphs - not complete paragraphs all of the time, but just enough to give the story some... well... substance, I suppose. It seemed more like a poem to me. There were instances where one-liners were nice. They added to the effect. But other times, you could have combined some of the lines into a nice, cohesive paragraph. Am I making sense? Sometimes I don't make sense... Hehe. Here. Let me give you an example. :)
Sound of heavy footsteps.
Massive feet that slam up and down like giant hammers, ready to pound flesh into a gruesome paste upon the floor. Peek around corner, it doesn't see me. It's like a fat toad, only red, and big, with a gun in one hand. A big gun…. It turns and fires at a wall.
Sweet mother of mercy it's loud!
Shrieks of desperation fill the air."
See what I mean? The first part of the story really adds suspense, and the long paragraph mellows it out. Then, when we get to another one-liner, bam! More suspense. Wit hthe way you've formatted the story, it doesn't quite work that way. There is no excitement, because everything is a one-liner. Hmm... DOn't know if you'll agree, but that is how I would write it.
Amnywho, it was a nice read, and I won't nit-pick about anything else. There were a few times where commas were missing, and you left out quite a few pronouns. I don't know if that was intential or not, but oh well. ;)
Very good. :D
I would like a review for Chapters 1-3 of "Life Isn't Always What You Wish For". I really need constructive criticism, because this is my first time ever writing drabbles and entering them in a contest. Please, just combine the 3 chapters into one review. And don't worry! The chapters are very short. They are drabbles, after all. :)6/11/2010 #288
My review for "Life Isn't Always What You Wish For."
Well, I can't very well comment on the overall plot development, because there isn't any. Each chapter is comprised of little bits and pieces; drabbles that don't fit tightly together.
So I'll have to respond in kind, by just mentioning a few random points which nagged at me as I went through those three chapters just now. (I agree that this was a special case -- they are so short that reading all three of them in one sitting, for one review, wasn't much of a burden.)
First, let me quote the first few lines of "Week One" so my snap reaction to them will make more sense.
* "That girl keeps looking at you, Master. I think she likes you." *
* "Nonsense." *
* Anakin raised an eyebrow, lips curving upward in his signature Skywalker grin. "Oh, c'mon. You've gotta like someone." *
The first thought that sprang to mind as I reached this point in the chapter was that Anakin was suddenly CHANGING the subject for no apparent reason. He started by saying that the girl liked Obi-Wan. His master disagreed -- but in Anakin's next line, he suddenly seems to think their conversation is all about Obi-Wan eventually finding a girl he likes, even though up until now they've only been talking about whether or not a girl likes Obi-Wan, which strikes me as an entirely different topic. Why does Anakin sound as if his comment about "You've gotta like someone" somehow contradicts what Obi-Wan just said?
Later, in the section of that chapter with the heading "Space," there was so much unattributed dialogue that it was hard to keep track of who was saying what. And I'm not clear on why the two men were squeezed together so badly that they had to complain about it in the first place! Even if the ventilation shaft is just barely wide enough for one Jedi at a time to crawl through it, why can't the second Jedi simply lag about twenty feet BEHIND the first guy, so that the first guy doesn't keep kicking him accidentally?
In "Week Three," I don't think I'm grasping the punch line when Anakin says, apparently honestly surprised rather than sarcastic (if I'm interpreting this correctly): "Oh! So that's what "keeping the peace" means!"
What else would he have thought it meant, even allowing for this being a parody?
[Edited to add this: Looking back on it, I wish I'd said in the original review that yes, I thought most of those quick little drabbles were pretty funny. I'd been taking notes on things that bothered me, though, and that ended up being what I harped upon when I posted the review over yonder, and then copied it into this thread.]
Reading and reviewing Fantasywriter14's drabbles reminded me of my first (and thus far only) attempt at Star Wars fanfic from a few months ago. It was also meant to be funny, but I don't know how well I did at that because it's been largely ignored. I hadn't even looked back at it in awhile. I'd appreciate a frank review of this quick one-shot: So You Want to Be a Sith?6/11/2010 . Edited 6/11/2010 #289
|Abandoned.See new ZefronsAngel
My review for Lorendiac:
The beginning paragraph was strong and well-written. I liked the use of powerful words such as broad, drap, and intoned. I know they don't seem like much, but using words like that sound a lot better than if you would have used something like wide, plan, and sounded. "You have your orders, worm. If you fail me again, I shall kill you. If you try to hide, I shall . . . hunt you down and kill you. And when I kill you, I shall take my own sweet time about it, making sure you wish my enemies had killed you instead, in the very moment of your failure. They would have been far more . . . merciful . . . than I." I liked how, since you were making Glummox stretch out his speech, you spaced out the periods showing the pauses. That illustrated the speed of speech. The ending sentence was okay, but it didn't have as strong effect like the opening sentence. I think you could have made a stronger ending. I know endings are really hard to write, because I have trouble with that myself. Also, this story was supposed to be humorous, but the first few paragraphs weren't. That's fine for a chapter story, but for a short oneshot, the humor has to go throughout the entite thing. I felt like that last sentence was ending it in humor, but that humor wasn't consistant with the beginning of the story. I hope I haven't been too harsh. This was a pretty good fic:)
NOTE: This link will take you to the prologue. You can choose toR&R any chapter, but the prologue's super short, so if you do that, could you do that with chapter one?6/14/2010 #290
Reviewed Troy Bolton: Secret Agent.
I'll review both the prologue and chapter one in one review- kill two birds with one stone, eh? Granted, I don't know much about High School Musical so I can't comment on canon stuff, but I can do style. ^^
The first thing that throws me is the title. It's not really exciting but that's not the point- it's misleading. If I didn't know better I would click on this thinking that Troy is a super awesome spy when in actuality he is merely an undercover agent, just judging by this prologue, which for the reader could be quite the disappointment.
Prose wise I would say you're okay, but it's nothing really special, no words that keep me hooked. Your first sentence should be that grab that makes the reader want to read more, whether it be exciting and dramatic, or an interesting piece of description. As just a general example I whipped up off the top of my head:
"Most girls spend their sixteenth birthday at a party, surrounded by cake, presents, and friends. I spent my sixteenth birthday waiting to die, surrounded by dirt, rocks, and blood." Whoever this character is, we're intrigued. Why is she waiting to die? Is she being executed for a crime, or is she heading into a battle? A hook sentence like that will grab a reader's attention, and will have them move on to the rest of the story because they want to find out more about what is going on.
Your first two sentences, though, lack any excitement. They're merely: "Troy Bolton dashed into his car. That day was the day he had been waiting for ever since he had walked out of college with a degree in law enforcement." Why should we, the readers keep going? Why should we care about him getting into his car and waiting for something? I also feel that way about prologues, though like the rest of the review you can take this with a grain of salt. Prologues should be an entire hook to get the reader's attention and have them impatient waiting for an update. Something mysterious, perhaps, something that doesn't give away the plot set up right away. You can set up your plot in the first chapter, but your prologue should have some stellar, poetic description, or maybe some exciting action.
Another example (though this is from my fandom, so it's RvB specific): "The city itself was dusted in the coal and sorrow, its inhabitants bent over from the chaos of a post war world, hope long gone on the wind, unlikely to ever come back.
Two figures moved slowly in the growing darkness, the last lights of dusk illuminating them as they ducked behind a building corner. Grey and violet. Whispers that could only be heard if one listened carefully.
"F*** it, Wash, stop pulling me!"
"Do you want to get lost, then? Not much of a problem for me…"
The grey one strode away, head held high, and the violet one hung its head, sighing heavily before catching up. "F*** douche…" The violet one muttered.
"That's what I thought." The grey one again, smug and overconfident.
"Just shut up and lead the way."
Darkness covered the city in its smothering fog; the sky too dense with pollution to show even the slightest twinkling of a star, even the smallest sign of life crushed under a heavy hand. With a single streetlamp sputtering its dying breaths the pair approached an abandoned brick building, ornate with a gothic cupola; deadly yet beautiful, bearing its fair share of battle wounds. The grey one knocked three times in rapid succession, leaning in and whispering a word so softly it was lost to the howling wind. The door opened and both slipped in, a pair of beautiful thieves on their way to the downfall of themselves and the only world they had ever known.
In the first few rays of dawn, the pink in the sky tainted red with bleeding hearts, the Meta moved ever so closer. He knew where they were. And he knew exactly what to do to stop them."
In that, we absolutely nothing about the plot ready to be set up, though it's a snippet that will be important in the plot later. It's a hook, a scene that is vague enough for the reader to be wondering, and wanting more. Like, where are South and Wash headed? Why is the Meta tracking them? What is with the building they are sneaking into? Is it some sort of secret society, considering the code knock?
Readers are impatient people, and will make snap judgments on your fic almost right away. If this was a story in my fandom I would have read this and then clicked out again, not bothering to the read the rest because it doesn't make me care about the characters- there isn't anything that looks or sounds exciting, as the title appeared to promise.
Moving onto chapter one... The main problem I see with this is Troy's lack of emotion, and train of thought. If he's tailing her, I'm sure asking her out isn't part of the job description. Unless he was ordered to buddy up with her and pretend to be in on whatever schemes she has; wine her, dine her and seduce her to get her to open up to him. And honestly, that sounds way more exciting to me. It has more plot conflict, more room for drama.
His conflict about leading a double life and how it may exhaust him, how he is falling for her when he never intended to, the moral conflict of loving her and knowing that she has fallen for a fake. Betrayal if he revealed himself to her, and the loss of his job and livelihood, something that (if we're judging by what you say in the prologue) is really important to him.
That alternate plot aside (sorry I got too into that XD)the one you have isn't very realistic. He's tailing her, right? So he wouldn't speak to her- the point is that he is not noticed, done two ways. Generally the old fashioned police way is to sit in a car and observe her comings and goings until he can catch her red handed. But that's boring so let's put that aside. In the other version he could blend into the anonymous mass as a nobody. If you want to set up a romance it should be her who approaches him because he doesn't want to be noticed, even if he is attracted to her.
I really think that he needs more of a train of thought here, and show more emotion because right now he is just a little robot, like he feels nothing at all, making it impossible with a reader to connect with him in the story. And that;s what you want most of all. You want your readers to connect with the characters, love them. They want to be able to care for so much that they cheer for him when he succeeds, feel disappointment when he fails, be so emotionally connected to him that we cry if he dies.
Like a fic I read before, where the author got me so connected to her OC, Agent Massachusetts, that when her love interest, a canon character named York, dies I feel for her when she stumbles across him in his last dying breaths. They had lost each other before, and he had been looking for her for years, trying to right the wrongs he did. But he never finds her, and they only reunite when she accidentally stumbles upon his death scene. It was so powerfully written, so emotional that when he dies as she is holding him I cried- the first time a fic ever made me cry. I posted that scene of at the forum, btw, in the "Superior Snippets" thread if you want to take a look. ^^
And that's your goal as a writer. To get your readers so connected to the characters- whether they be canon or OC. You don't get off the hook with canon characters- we may love them but you shouldn't rely on that for the reader to connect to your character.
Going back to our example, York is a minor character in Red vs Blue. He shows up in a mini series for three episodes before he dies. I loved him the moment I saw him in those episodes, but I wouldn't have been as emotional like I was with that fic if she hadn't put in the effort to build on his character, to give me more to connect to. But even more so with main characters, like Church in RvB. He's a main character, but reading fics with him still need that extra depth, and it's one of the joys in reading fics, seeing another author's take on his character.
It all comes down to showing, not telling. You can say to us, "Troy is nervous" but it would be better for you to know what kind of habits he has when he's nervous, showing it through his actions. Another example: Agent South Dakota (in my canon because again we know little about her) smokes cigarettes when she's nervous, and you can show that more with the trembling of her hands, so badly that she can't work her lighter. Or even what happened to a friend of mine when he lost his virginity. He was so nervous his hands were shaking so badly he couldn't open the condom packet. :P
Little details like that will not only show how he feels, but make him more relate-able to the reader. I hope this will be helpful for you, and good luck!
I would love it if someone took a look at Guarding the Spark- the first two chapters are more prologuey in style, so to get the feel of it you would need to read up to the third chapter, if that's not too much trouble. You don't have to review the first two chapters if you don't want to. :D6/15/2010 #291
My review for "Guarding the Spark":
You did a good job with this. The quote at the beginning fits the chapter well. The idea of Command having to refit all the doors because of a fight between South and Tex made me smile, and the part at the end where she and York are sitting together in the hallway was really sweet. I also like how you give the reader some hints about South's background by mentioning her participation the Cotillion events.
One small criticism: I was a little confused when South thinks that York can help her get back into her room because she's heard he's trained in hacking. It might have been better to say that he's trained in lockpicking or something like that, because hacking doesn't really have anything to do with getting into physical places.
Please review: "True Stories".6/19/2010 . Edited 6/19/2010 #292
|Abandoned.See new ZefronsAngel
Here's my review:
Hi! This story was pretty good, but there are just a couple things I saw in here that you could improve on. I apologize in advance if I'm seeming too harsh.
"I may be just a brat now," Naruto retorted, "but one day I'll end this war and bring peace to the whole ninja world! I'll never give up until I achieve that goal-that's my ninja way!"
The 'but' should probably be capitalized.
Nagato's hands trembled, squeezing convulsively and wrinkling the pages of the book he held. What a load of rubbish! Nagato had always considered Jiraiya to be wise, and had naturally assumed that the older man's writings would contain some of the same wisdom. That was why he had picked up this book in the first place. Yahiko had been killed a week previously, and both Nagato and Konan were heartbroken. They had wandered through the tower where their faction was headquartered like a pair of ghosts, ignoring anyone who tried to speak to them. Nagato didn't really know what Konan was doing, but he had eaten little and slept less. It was nearly three in the morning now, but he felt no desire to sleep. Instead, he walked around the tower, eventually finding himself in a room that served as a library. Gazing absently at the shelves of books and scrolls, one particular title had caught his eye. The Tale of the Gutsy Ninja, by Jiraiya. A small note on the front of the book proclaimed it to be "an inspiring and uplifting tale of hope and determination!" Many times since Yahiko's death, Nagato had wished that his sensei was here. Jiraiya would surely have been able to fill the void he felt in his heart. Jiraiya would have known how to comfort Konan. Jiraiya would have been able to tell them what to do. In the absence of the man himself, Nagato had thought that perhaps his teacher's literary masterpiece could provide some insight.
Somehow, I feel like this paragraph is too full. I think you should've divided it into two. This: (Nagato didn't really know what Konan was doing, but he had eaten little and slept less.) should have probably started the new paragraph.
Nagato didn't really know what Konan was doing, but he had eaten little and slept less. It was nearly three in the morning now, but he felt no desire to sleep. That seems like it could've been worded better. He had eaten little and slept less, but what does that have to do with not knowing waht Konan was doing? Unless you mean Konan had eaten little and slept less. It was a little confusing at that part. I think you should've specified who had eaten little and slept less.
Besides those things, I think you did a pretty good job with this!
Here's my story. I tries to improve my writing with it, but I could use some concrit on how to improve my writing further:)6/19/2010 . Edited 6/19/2010 #293
My review for "It's Like Catching Lightning":
The title really caught my eye on this one. It was very intriguing, and I think that alone made me want to click on the fic. And then I thought, "Oh, it came from a song! That's cute!"
I got the extended metaphor right away, that Gabriella is being compared to lightning throughout the story. I like that you mentioned the theme at both the beginning and the end; it tied things together nicely. In the first scene, however, I actually thought that this comparison was a bit overdone, and the repeated mentions of lightning, power, and running out of power just seemed to bog things down.
Then there was this line: "But when she had gone, that power faded, just like when lightning strikes a tree and it falls on an electric wire, the power gets extinguished."
I was confused about the point that you were trying to make. "But when she had gone, that power faded." That part was good. For the rest, I still don't think I'm completely getting it, because she's the lightning AND the power flowing through the electric wire...? I'm probably just thinking about it too much, but extended metaphors are tricky, and here it felt like it was trying to squeeze more symbolic prose out of the lightning than would comfortably fit. Sometimes simpler is better, which brings me to my next point.
I think this story would work better in third person because this voice is not that of a regular young man. The style in which this is written would be great for third person, but in first person it makes me think of the narrator as someone with a very dramatic, almost melodramatic, personality. First person is very intimate in that you're getting into the character's head and hearing his thoughts directly, so ask yourself: would Troy use words like "dulcet tones" or "crestfallen sigh" in his internal monologue? If he's the type of guy who would, I take back everything I just said in this paragraph, LOL!
Anyway, since this is an entry for the self-insert contest, I feel like I should comment on Julia, too. She didn't have a very big role, so I wasn't able to get a good sense of her personality or motivations, but it felt very natural for her to be there, and she seemed realistic. Good luck in the contest! :)
Okay... I feel pretty nervous putting one of my romance fics on the line, but here goes! If you don't mind slash, I'd really appreciate some feedback on The Hut of Fallen Persimmons. I'm never very confident about writing serious romances, so I hope this wasn't too cheesy/cliche.
If that's squick territory, Hora Mortis Nostrae has no implied pairings whatsoever. Whatever you're more comfortable with :)6/20/2010 . Edited 6/20/2010 #294
White-Eyebrow's review of Pyrrhicvictoly's The Hut of Fallen Persimmons
Ok, I know nothing about this fandom, so I'm approaching this as an outsider looking in.
Since you have the basics of storytelling and grammar down pretty good, I'm focusing more on the romance aspect of your story.
I do realize you're going out of your comfort zone here, so I applaud your bravery. As such, take my critic as encouragement. You should already know that serious one-shot romances are very hard to pull-off (unless you're dealing with established characters.) Taking that into account, this is a good "first chapter" of a romance fic.
I do have my own biases when I read these, unfortunately. You did a great job of developing Gin and Kira as characters. I'm going about merrily in your story, when BAM! You tell me Kira and Gin are in love. When I get to the end, and saw that there was no "next chapter" button, I felt sorta cheated. Where is that initial attraction? Where is the quickened pulse—the tinge in their stomachs that love causes? Where is the courtship? In short, where is the romance? Don't tell me the relationship, *show* me the relationship. If a romance is going to work, the reader has to be emotionally invested in the relationship. The only way that's going to happen is the same as in real life: in small increments. This is why I think one-shots of this type are difficult.
Now, I'm not going to go into what I think makes a good romance, but I will give you this suggestion as food for thought. A romance must have no less than three characters: The two objects in the romance plus the romance itself. Yes, the romance should be treated as a separated character that is to be developed all it's own. And just when I started to get a feel for your third character, it was over.
I guess, in short, I'm trying to say don't stop, keep going with this.
Please review Chapter 15 of Prisoner of Hope.6/20/2010 #295
Malymin's review for White-Eyebrow's chapter 15 of Prisoner of Hope:
(found courtesy of the story review game)
I'm coming in with little knowledge of the HP universe, fyi.
Overall, I enjoyed the chapter.
I think that your dialogue is very strong, which is important. One thing that stuck with me at the beginning was a sense of confusion, and then I got to the point where Maestro tells Moody how the entire ceremony was for show, and I realized that my confusion was a natural reflection of Moody's confusion, and my lightbulb went off when his did at the phrase "Institutionalized denial."
I enjoyed that very much; it was subtle and unexpected.
What I kept tripping up on through the chapter as I read it was the sentence structure, because I felt that sentences seemed to end in places where there was no immediate need for them to end. That is, they could have been assembled in a slightly more complex manner without losing the imagery or quality of the telling. For example:
(original) "The music resumed to the crowd's applause. The moments seemed to go by in a blur as Moody shook hand after outstretched hand extended by complete strangers."
(revised) "The music resumed to the crowd's applause, causing the moments to go by in a blur as Moody shook hand after outstretched hand extended by complete strangers."
There's no reason for the original sentence to break where it does IMO, and it creates a distraction in the flow of words across the page.
At the end where Moody and the lady character are practicing the spell, I had to check the story rating... that entire scene oozed sexuality to me. But I am a twisted, pervy sort of person so maybe I am reading too much into it the belly rubbing and arm stroking and exploding mess that left her hair covered in goo.
Or... maybe I'm not, and the HP-verse suddenly got a lot more interesting? =P ===
Please help on Ch 15 of Echoes of Grace. I feel like I'm still... missing something overall. Thanks!6/26/2010 #296
My review for Malymin's chapter 15 of Echoes of Grace
I'm not familiar with the fandom, so I comment on canon. That being said this chapter was an enjoyable read.
The opening paragraph while short, really grabbed my attention. The use of description really set the tone for the scene. Your dialogue is also really well written it reads well, and feels like a real conversation, while avoiding the common pitfalls overly natural dialogue. It also adds to the story, and moves the it forward. Despite this there were a few times were I was confused as to who was the speaker, I had to read over parts to "catch on," but maybe it could just be me.
I also really liked how the middle scene with Filda and Sylfie. It just flowed really nicely from the more lighthearted begging to the heavier but not overtly angsty end. I also think that you handled the pregnant Sylfie, she doesn't fall into any of the stereotypical traps, that most authors fall into when they write a pregnant character, like focusing just on the pregnancy itself and the resulting baby, instead of the mother, or worse just tacking it on superficially. I think you found a nice balance between the two, and you should keep that up. I also found her attitude towards the pregnancy, to be somewhat refreshing, that sort of ambivalent attitude is rarely ever written at least in fan fiction, and I applaud you for handling it so well.
I noticed that you mentioned worrying about keeping your character's pregnancy consistent. Might I suggest that you take notes as to approximately what week she's in parallel to what happening to the story line. That way you have a quick frame of reference when your writing/editing. I do that with my story, and it seems to help.
As for the last scene, it left with a sense of mystery and it made me want to read the next chapter. The description in that scene is well written simply just adds on the scene, adding to the atmosphere, of mystery.
Overall, this was a really interesting, and enjoyable chapter.
I'd like a review for Hope and Devotion, preferably the later chapters if you don't mind.6/27/2010 #297
My review for Hope and Devotion.
I have absolutely no previous knowledge about the Final Fantasy world. I read the whole fic.
I like that you are thrown into the middle of the scene instead of trudging through a couple of paragraphs of straight description. That said, as the reader you are not left short of information about the setting, location and character; as well as giving hints about the coming chapters. Overall the chapters are well paced so they flow well into each other. The level of description is balaced so you don't feel overwhelmed, but you can easily visualise what the characters are wearing, thinking and doing. A small criticism would be regarding the formatting as some paragraphs do look like blocks of text; so it can be a bit hardgoing when reading on a computer screen.
I also noticed that in your author notes you sometimes point out issues that you have with the chapter; for example 'In the next chapter the plot appears, about half way through', you really shouldn't be so down on yourself! And the chances are the reader won't notice anyway. So considering I know nothing about the background of the characters, etc, I enjoyed what you have written and I hope you continue!
I'd like a review for 'Cardiac' a couple of chapters or the whole thing if you're feeling adventurous! it is rated M (but mainly for the later chapters) http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6038722/1/Cardiac6/29/2010 . Edited 6/29/2010 #298
My review for "Cardiac"
This review is a response to the review game on Writers Anonymous forum.
This is for the two first chapters of the story. I am not familiar with the fandom (heard the name of the show, but that's it) so I can not comment on anything relating to canon, but I will comment on what I can.
I think seeing the known characters from an unknown person's POV is a good idea. It is a good way to get a fresh perspective on familiar characters, and I think, not knowing the canon, that it works well to make her a doctor.
The character herself strikes me as being a bit sarcastic and cynical in her comments, both internal and when speaking. Her wish to help is therefore a bit odd, but it is a point that may be (if you have not done so already) developed and explained further along in the story. Actually, looking over the first chapter again, I see that the sarcastic comments are more pronounced in the second chapter than in the first.
Some of the internal comments are very good as small characterizations. I think I liked this best:
"I'm a world-class cardiothoracic surgeon." I love saying that.
You draw a nice little image of her with that comment "I love saying that"
Now, that being said, there are some things you could work on to improve on your writing. One is to have some more descriptions.
You start off by throwing us right into the action with a question as the opening line. That is good. You throw us into the story immediately. But you never show us the places or the people, you give us no way of showing what it happening, even if you do sometimes over-explain it. Let me use the first two paragraphs to illustrate:
"Why are you stopping?" I had my eyes fixed on my Blackberry. The cab I was travelling along the highway in had pulled up behind the red SUV in front.
I am not sure what a Blackberry are, but that might just be my ignorance speaking. But the second sentence is a little clumsy. A simple The cab pulled up behind a red SUV is enough. The cab I was traveling in is redundant: off course she is talking about the cab she is in! And if you pull up behind a car, then off course it is in front of you. Stating these obvious things makes the sentence seem labored and over-explained and does not work well with the first sentence that is more terse and to the point. Combined with the passive voice of I was traveling along the highway in it makes your narrative stop before it even starts. You can describe the highway later with a more active sentence, perhaps combined with a description of the crash-scene?
"I don't know." I watched as the cab driver tuck his car out of the way of the approaching sirens and I instantly knew there had been a collision. And judging by the volume of the traffic that had stopped in front of us I knew I had to get my a** into gear. "Where are you going?" I chucked enough bills into the passenger seat to cover my original journey and exited the cab.
Here you have an excellent opportunity to describe for us the scene. "I watched" you say, but you do not let us see what the narrator sees. Do so. Let her twist at the sound of sirens, let her see the flashing lights and feel the jolting when the driver tries to get out of the way. Describe how the highway (and here that information can be slipped in with no trouble) is packed with cars and the sound of the horns (if there are any. Perhaps it is quite because the ones in front of her can see how serious the crash is) etc.
The second point that would improve your writing, is how you handle dialogue-tags. As it is in the first two chapters, it looks like you have taken a bet to write a story never using the word 'said'. Or even using any other kind of tag than an action-tag. While I will not say that this cannot be done, I will say that in your story it does not work. It is actually the main reason that I have only reviewed the two first chapters: I could not read any further. The way you never use a tag became too exhausting so that I could not read on. It is more annoying than reading "x said" every other sentence, and very distracting. I got more focused on that than on the story, and I do not think that is what you wanted.
There are some places where it looks like you missed a word or letter, but that is smaller stuff, and I think if you concentrate on the two point is have made: some more descriptions so that there is more than just dialogue, and use some dialogue tags sometimes, the story will improve a lot.
I would like a review on my VIP Where the Grass Grows Green, preferably one of the later chapters (I am updating it soon, but whatever the latest chapter is). Alternatively I'd like a critical look on my poem The Ride of Eorl, the second poem in my collection "Songs of the Mark". It is not necessary to read the first to understand the second. I want to revise it and need someone to take a fresh look at it to improve on it.7/2/2010 #299
My review for "The Ride of Eorl:"
Wow. You definitely have a talent with Epic Poetry. Epic Poetry the genre, that is, it's not supposed to read as EPIC poetry, though it is that as well. It sounds good when read aloud. so what did happen to the rest of them? You used "was" instead of "were," this normally wouldn't be a problem, as noone uses Proper English nowadays, save some very nerdy weirdos, but unfortunately most of the people on Fanfiction.net are nerdy weirdos, like myself, so people might mention such innate things, like I just did.
the problem I had with it was that I kept looking at the scroll button to see how much was left, as I believe that fanfiction just suffers from the sin of overlengthification, or to not sound like a pillock, is sometimes too long.
I am not normally a fan of poetry, as that is something usually without plot/fun characters, but fortunately the genre required the former, so I enjoyed it.
Oh by the way, did you know that an "Earl" is the British version of a Count?7/3/2010 #300
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