Writers Anonymous
Writers, come in. Talk about your stories, problems, any advice you need, critique, etc. You don't have to be good, you just need to want to write! Fanfic or original fic writers, all are welcome. Read the rules before posting or risk Rhea's displeasure.
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Hamfast Gamgee

My review to the Greek poem!

A poem! Well, we don't see too many of those. And an ancient Greek poem to boot. Not too bad, the prose is powerful so do keep that up! Mind, call me old fashioned, but I do like my poems to rhyme! Yours is obviously one of those weird ones that don't. Having a little knowledge of Greek mythology I appreciate some of the references. Not too sure what Paris Hilton is doing in here however! But do keep it up as I say.

Could the next person review this little tale of mine



It's in TV btw, thanks!

7/4/2010 . Edited 7/4/2010 #301

Hey people, reviews are becoming very short again. PLEASE this is a give and take game. You need to "donate" a thoughtful review in order to ask for one in return. At least 50 words, as a rule of thumb. Please provide thoughtful feedback, not just your opinion, but why you arrived at that opinion, and any ways you think the author can improve. We're here to help each other. :)

Hamfast Gamgee's story is next for review, even though he hasn't really paid his dues. ;)

7/5/2010 . Edited 7/5/2010 #302

Monotonehell said:

Hey people, reviews are becoming very short again. PLEASE this is a give and take game. You need to "donate" a thoughtful review in order to ask for one in return. At least 250 words, as a rule of thumb.

Just a quick comment -- it so happens that just a couple of days ago I decided to refresh my memory of exactly how the rules of the game are described at the top of this thread.

TheEvilBunny said in the original post:

Reviews should be at least 50 words long - a reasonable amount of content, anyway.

I remember feeling a bit surprised that the suggested minimum was as low as fifty -- but that was a long time ago. If we want to upgrade the expectation to 250 as a rule of thumb, should someone edit that opening post to reflect that, so that newcomers to this thread, glancing at the top of it to see the rules of the road, and then skipping ahead to the end of the thread to review somebody's story and post a request for a review of their own material, will actually receive "fair warning" of what the current standard is?

7/5/2010 . Edited 7/5/2010 #303

What are you talking about - I never said "250" .Shifty eyes.

LOL whoops that was a typo. It is indeed at LEAST 50 words, and those words need to be helpful.

Thanks Lorendiac!

7/5/2010 #304
The Lauderdale

My review of Hamfast Gamgee's "Goodnight Sweetheart":

My review is from the point of view of someone who has not seen the source show on which this is based ("Goodnight Sweetheart") and who hadn't heard about it before beginning your story. Reading the first chapter, I noticed a number of mechanical issues (spelling errors like "prombly" for "promptly," overuse of exclamation points! etc.) There is also a strange approach to the reader at work in your story: on the one hand, there is a fair amount of infodump - "The year was 1997, Gary was in his late-twenties- early-thirties, very tall, well over 6ft, skinny with rather a hang-dog face and brown hair. His wife was well below him in terms of height had a sort of mousy-blond hair and was the same age." - and coy reference to the source material - "In fact there was rather more to Gary than even his wife realized, but that will come later!" "It was an unusual kind of shop which sold archive material from the forties. How did all this stock come from the forties? Well, through the passage of time. Kind off!" It seems as if you expect the reader to be unfamiliar with the show, but with your line about the foolish local bobby ("In fact, he was so stupid that he once left the Bar while he was serving to fetch something and told the Kray twins to watch the bar while he was gone") you expect the reader to know who the Kray twins are and why this would be a bad idea. I think you need to decide who your audience is. One assumes that, since this story is in the "Goodnight Sweetheart" section, it is in a place where readers who are already familiar with the show's premise can find it. But even someone who had ever heard of the show before (me, in this case) can find the "wink wink nudge nudge" approach a little grating. You may want to find a more natural, casual way of imparting exposition and descriptive information. You might also consider retitling this fanfic as the name is simply taken from the show's title. That's like writing a "Lord of the Rings" fanfic and just calling it "Lord of the Rings," rather than giving it a title of its own. I'd like to thank you for writing this story and submitting it for review because now it has introduced me to the series "Goodnight Sweetheart," which, as I said, I had never heard of before but which sounds like a great premise for a show. I will try to find some way of viewing it, and that will help me to be a better reviewer for your story and others in its show category.

I would like a review for my story "Treed" (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2737517/1/Treed). It is a Lord of the Rings story and is long, so if you prefer to review based on the first chapter or first couple of chapters, that's fine. (Warning: rating becomes M around chapter 5 for ugly subject matter.)

7/5/2010 . Edited 7/5/2010 #305

My review of "Treed":

It's been quite a few years since I read Tolkien, but the world and the atmosphere are still familiar to me. I think you captured that very well in just this first chapter. Before I get into the nitpicking, let me just express that this is very, very well-written. The prose has a certain cadence to it that reads much better than a lot of professional fiction, and I can tell that you put a lot of work into this. I feel a bit inadequate in trying to offer concrit, seeing as my own writing is nowhere near as good, but I'll try...

As I've said, I love the style you've chosen. It fits very well for this fandom. However, sometimes it gets a bit overwrought for my taste. Gah! Just reading one chapter is having an effect on me! I fear I shall be typing in this somewhat archaic voice for a while ;)

Tolkien fans might not have any problems with this, being used to his florid writing style, but this definitely wasn't as easy of a read as I'm used to having with fanfiction. I tripped up over "portmanteau". My first reaction was, "Isn't a portmanteau a type of word? How do words bulge?" I suppose this is a failure of my own limited vocabulary, but at least I learned something new!

Anyway, I normally wouldn't nitpick so much on grammar since I'm much more of a linguistic descriptivist, but with writing that's in this highly descriptive style, these things really pop out. All the words are so meticulously placed, and you use the full range of dashes, colons, and semicolons that most fanfic authors skip over. But then there were a few comma issues. Or maybe not "issues", but just areas that I found to be awkward.

- Many years had passed since last such foul creatures trespassed on those fair woodlands(,) and the Elves who dwelled therein were not as alert as once they had been.

I originally read that as "tresspassed on the woodlands and the Elves", then had to re-read to catch the intended meaning. This is a fairly lengthy sentence, so there really should be a comma to clearly separate the independent clauses.

A few more: - When last you saw an Orc(,) it was during the War. - When last I saw an Orc(,) I saw many. - If Molurtz is our only loss(,) it won't be so bad. - Been a good one(,) too(,) save for tonight's spot of trouble.

After seeing those, I finally realized that this was a style choice. I've seen some authors omit commas between independent clauses if the clauses are short, so those four are probably okay as they are, unlike the first, which was confusing. Most style guides that I've come across have advocated using commas in those situations, though.

This sentence also stuck out: - The borders were quiet for weeks on end, the most excitement generated by some wandering traveler, usually lost or foolish, always human, and easily prompted back the way he had come.

It feels like it's missing a word. I hesitate to say that it's incorrect because I'm not too clear on the details of punctuation rules, but I really want it to say, "...*with* the most excitement..." or maybe put a semicolon in place of the first comma.

[The borders were quiet for weeks on end]; [the most excitement was generated...]

As for the content of this chapter, I really enjoyed the exchange between Eleluleniel and Nevhithien. I think I'm starting to form bonds with the family! They seems so loving and happy! It's sad that bad things are going to happen to them :'(

There is one thing, though, about the way the characters were introduced... This might not be a problem for most of your readers because they would have read Orc-brat first and been introduced to the characters that way, but for a newbie, my attention was whipping between Nevhithien, Leni, and their father. It was like being cast out into a stormy sea of characters without a main-character-lifeboat to keep me afloat. Almost the entire family is introduced in that second scene, and I didn't know who was going to be important later on. There were so many new names that I wondered if it was necessary to know all of these people right away.

It might have felt less chaotic if, at the start of the scene, I was given just one physical attribute of the main protagonist in order to set her apart from everyone else. I wanted to have someone to focus on and to place at the center of the mental character map I was creating as I read. (I couldn't tell until I peeked at the reviews, but it's Leni who's the most important Elf here, right?)

Well, this has been way too long of a review! I thoroughly enjoyed your work, and I think you really have great something going on here. LotR isn't a series I usually read fanfic for, and I wouldn't have looked at a story like this (with OCs for main characters! I almost always hate those and avoid them on principle!) if not for the review game. But I'm glad I did because you truly are a gifted writer, and I look forward to reading the rest. :)

I'd like a review of Liars, specifically some feedback about the characterization and how the personalities come across to the reader. This is a Saiyuki fanfic - a set of four character studies. It's really short and rated M for multiple f-bombs. I should also mention that there are references to disturbing canon events involving child abuse, i***, and a massacre.

(Edit: If you feel that it's too short to write a proper review for, I'd be okay with a review of one of the fics I've mentioned in previous posts - "Hora Mortis Nostrae", "Bravery", or "The Hut of Fallen Persimmons". Any of my more serious pieces, actually.)

7/6/2010 . Edited 7/6/2010 #306

pyrrhicvictoly: "I'd like a review of Liars, specifically some feedback about the characterization and how the personalities come across to the reader."

Finally throwing my hat into the ring of this post :D

Here from the WA review game. I wasn't familiar with "Saiyuki", so I wikied it and was excited to see it's an adaptation of "Journey to the West" - that one, I know! Is the story set in modern times? If not, the mention of a paper airplane or tobacco (and swearing, although I suppose there aren't really alternative words to use!) are rather incongruous.

You manage to give each segment, despite the parallel structure, its own voice - pretty impressive given the length of the piece. Some great phrases here, eg "very zen, and very hard to understand, and very hypocritical" and "tickling little smooches". The comparisons used are evocative, like the kite or meat bun & mango pudding.Character-wise, I'm not sure how much I can help, though I'll try. I was shocked at how angry the monk was. Then again, the others always pissed him off a lot even in the original, it would probably be kind of surprising if he *didn't* hate them some. The impression I got of Sanzo here was that he tries to be a cold, unfeeling j*** (and had a pretty high rate of success), but he does need the group. Gojyo - trying to bury his bad memories with vices? I like the easygoing voice you give him; it makes the darker allusions that keep coming to the surface more effective. Hakkai: sheesh, never knew the pig-man could be so damn troubled LOL! Didn't expect him to be hiding the most darkness. Actually, I would've thought his and Gojyo's characterisations would be switched, but that's based on JttW. Good contrast between Hakkai and Gonou. I like that you wrote Goku as smarter than he looks, and the one who tries to cheer the others up. I feel like he's the glue who holds the group together. The story is very clear in covering some of the past ground of the series that has led the characters to this point, which was helpful for me.... er right, I'm supposed to be criticising, too. Well, looking at the characters being liars as a thesis statement (most of my critiquing involves essays lately), I don't know that I'm thoroughly convinced. Sanzo's I want to hear more about - not that it wasn't convincing, but it caught my imagination so I thought there should be more. Gojyo's lying doesn't get addressed much. I can see him burying past memories, but I'm not convinced enough that he's lying to do so, as contradictory as that sounds. Hakkai, though, has a pile of evidence. Goku's lying I suppose I can see being the "pretending not to see through it", but it took some re-reading and rationalising to come to that conclusion. Or is it that he doesn't tell them he has foreknowledge of them, or did he get distracted from his original statement as is his wont?But that's getting closer to quibbling. You wrote a story with vividly-drawn characters with distinct voices in a skilful style that did a good job of painting their lives together with a lot of great descriptions. And, not to steal your thunder, but I may have written a review just as long.I kid. It's at about 60%.

I'd like The Love Song of Quil Ateara (Twilight) to get reviewed. Background info: Quil Ateara is a werewolf who imprinted (fell in biologically-compelled love/mating thrall) on Claire when she was two years old and has hung out with her ever since. (If you think it sounds skeevy, don't worry, you're not alone, and my Quil is not exactly thrilled with his situation. Also, Claire's an adult in this. Spoiler: there is no actual Love Song; this is neither a songfic or, for that matter, much of a love story, though it is a story about love)

ETA: I see that posting alternatives is de rigeur. So, feel free to look at the other fics I wrote since 2009 (unless you're familiar with the fandoms, probably best not to attempt "One Word, and that was Dead"; if you are, just 1-2 of the latest chapters - they're ~5-6k words each - is fine), or And the Green Grass Grows All Around (Harry Potter). I'm most interested in getting "The Love Song of Quil Ateara" reviewed, though, having gotten no feedback on the ending.

7/6/2010 . Edited 7/6/2010 #307

Wow, I didn't know this forum was still active! I'm happy about that! Anyway, here's my review for And The Green Grass Grows All Around:

Well, I've only read the first few books of Harry Potter, so I'm somewhat, but not fully, familiar with the fandom.

Are Montague and Elle OCs? I wasn't sure. Elle sounded like a first-year from the way she described everyone, and Montague sounded older. I actually didn't pick up at all that 'My' was Hermione, so that's a bit of criticism there. All you said was that she was studious and she was Muggle born, and that wasn't enough of a connection for me. It may have helped for you to give something of a physical description there. Also, I completely thought Harry was Ron, if anybody...he's the last person I would have expected to be excited about something magical.

A couple things made me smile. First, I noticed how Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle were so obsessed with the Sharpie. Because it was a Muggle thing, right? That was cute. Also, Elle's conversation with Montague was funny. I got the impression that she has a crush on him, correct? I appreciated that; it reminded me of a lot of similar experiences. :)

A typo: "Stooping to listen, she heard..."

I'm guessing you meant stopping.

Mod ninja edit: stoop; to bend over at the waist. stooping; the act of bending over at the waist. ;)

Hm...the whole thing with Elle trying to warn Harry of Snape's presence could have gone a tiny bit better, in my opinion. I got the message the second time she spoke, but you might want to have edited the first dialog tag; the fact that her eye contact with him broke doesn't tell me anything.

Finally, I liked your characterization of Malfoy, Snape, and Hermione. Overall, this was a good story.


Now, I would like a review for my story The Parent Trap. It's for Glee, but I'm fairly sure that it can be read out of context. If possible, I want to be critiqued on the realness of Kurt's emotion's, whether the connections between the objects and the memories were forced, and, if possible, characterization.

7/11/2010 . Edited by Monotonehell, 7/11/2010 #308

I have read and reviewed Extreme Writer's: The Parent Trap.

I'm reviewing this as part of the review-tag game. I don't actually know Glee, so won't be able to be that much help on characterisation but will give my opinions of how realistic the emotions/memories were. Generally I thought you did a very good job with this. I think you captured Kurt's enthusiasm nicely, as he bounded about trying to match make because he wants a family. The memories I thought added to the story, the laundry one was quite sweet in particular. I liked the chatty, very teen-age thoughts that Kurt had as well. It seemed natural.

I wondered if you meant to use a different word, other than corny below. I would have expected Kurt to recognise his previous comment (about dead spouses) was worse than corny (unless he was supposed to be pretty socially inept). You put: I realize a moment later that that's probably a corny thing to say, but nonetheless, they totally hit it off, talking about…acid wash, or whatever. You could have put: I realize a moment later that was a monumental gaffe, but nonetheless, after a brief moment of awkwardness they totally hit it off, talking about…acid wash, or whatever.

There were a few other little things that sprang to mind which you may find useful. Your opening: I've planned this for weeks, and finally, it's here. I thought this was good but would have been stronger if you'd put: I've planned this for weeks, and finally, my chance has arrived. Or the moment has arrived. Purely stylistic and I don't think there was anything wrong per se with your start.

I felt like you slipped tenses here (past to future): You put: "My mother actually loved to bake. Yeah, I know, it sounds cheesy—she bakes, she does laundry, she's the dream mother, blah, blah, blah. But seriously, she was really good at it." I felt it should have been: "My mother actually loved to bake. Yeah, I know, it sounds cheesy—she baked, she did laundry, she was the dream mother, blah, blah, blah. But seriously, she was really good at it." Anyway good job on this and keep writing! PBRules

Please can someone review Damaged (a Harry Potter fic).


Summary: Harry's just a scared little kid and no one can see this behind all his bravado, or can they? Severus goes to collect Harry from the children's home where he's grown up.

Harry is OOC (lots of attitude) because he's grown up in a very different environment. I would be interested to hear (a) general opinions (b) concrit regarding punctuation - is it ok, what mistakes have you spotted (as I'm trying to work on this).

BTW Harry says things which are ungrammatical at some points in this chapter; that is intentional.


7/20/2010 . Edited by Monotonehell, 7/20/2010 #309

This was overall, an excellent fan fiction. I absolutely love your simple writing style that is easy on the eyes because of the lack off text walls and monster paragraphs. Your portrayal of Snape was phenomenal. You got his personality spot-on. Harry, on the other hand, was given a new light with his rough self in this story. It wasn't entirely in character, but it fit very well with the story.

I did enjoy the concept of the story, too. It was very intruiging. Your intro drew me in and was executed very nicely. Usually if the first few sentences of a story are boring, I will immidiately stop reading it.

I found a few spelling and gramatical mistakes.

"He's with Lilly's sister and her husband I take it, his Aunt and Uncle?"

"I'm here to speak to Mr Potter."

Mister, when abbreviated, has to have a period by it.

Your writing was very well done, and as I stated previously, I adored your portayal of snape and the very subtle hints of him being in love with Lily Potter. My favorite paragraph has to be this:

It turned out that Harry's table manners bore startling resemblance to those of an Azkaban inmate. He ate furiously- as if he was terrified that his meal might be whisked away from him at any moment, and he continually sheltered his plate with the hand that wasn't holding the fork. He also ate with his mouth wide open, Severus realised, before averting his eyes in distaste.

Overall, it was an excellent fan fiction. At times the scene changes were confusing, but it was well executed and well written. Nice job. :)

Please review something that was written this year. I really, really need help with my writing, so criticize away.

7/20/2010 . Edited 7/20/2010 #310

Okay first of all, you might want to cut down on the adverbs. Sometimes it's okay to just have 'he said' and 'she said' without adding anything else. Also, sometimes you don't need tags, if it's apparent who's speaking. For example if it's a conversation with just two people, you can not use 'said' as much, if you like. Might give you a bit of variety.

Having said that, your dialogue is great, and really seems true to the characters. You have a lot of interesting descriptions near the beginning of the story, but you repeat yourself a lot, and I'm not sure what point of view you're going with, it's not consistent. Later on you have mostly dialogue - though it is your strong point, I would keep putting in some more description there also.

Is there going to be another chapter? I want to read more!

Hi! I'm new here, but I'd love a review on my latest fic about Dawn and Spike...just added a new chapter!

7/22/2010 #311

Well, it hasn't been too long since I last participated (I hope there isn't a once/page limit or anything!), but what can I say, I like this concept.

My review of Spurlunk's The Kidnapping Caper:

Here from the Story Review Game thread. You definitely did a good job with building suspense, I'm all "What's outside the door?!?" right nowThere's a good balance between dialogue and description for the most part, though when Xander is described for the first time it seems superfluous, shoehorned in awkwardly. Otherwise, I did like the descriptions. The voice you use for a 14-year-old Dawn is good, too, and I liked that you included her feelings about Buffy and the Slayer thing. That rang pretty true. LOL I don't blame Joyce for having her babysat, even if she is too old for it, considering the craziness Buffy visits upon them! You showed Dawn's role within the group well. Nice seeing Dawn have a friend, and Maya's reactions seemed realistic under the circumstances... however she ended up on the rescue mission, I think I kinda missed that happening.

I suppose my main criticism would have to be the dialogue. There's nothing wrong with it - in fact, most of it seems like the logical thing to say - but I guess it's not "Whedonesque" enough to me. It needs more of that snarky spark. There were a few moments that had it, so I know you can do it :) Also, I think the lyrics should be formatted differently to separate them from the rest of the text. I was thinking "Huh when did we switch to 1st person?" otherwise.I enjoyed this story and hope you finish it. Dawn-Spike friendship sounds full of potential for capers!

I'd like a review of White Rabbit (Supernatural/His Dark Materials crossover: Dean & Sam interview Will), my latest fic. It hasn't gotten much attention, so I'm particularly anxious to know how it comes across.

I suppose my proposed alternative would be Death Comes at the End of the Road, but it's in the same ballpark re length and genre (Supernatural/House/Star Trek crossover: Dean talks to Drs. House and McCoy in a weird context involving that making sense).

Edited to add another alternative: my submission for the self-insert challenge, "Our Discontent Made Glorious Summer" (Supernatural), in which the young Winchesters are spending their first day without an adult at the mall until some nosy lady comes along.

7/27/2010 . Edited 8/10/2010 #312
Rhea Silverkeys

I reviewed 'White Rabbit'. I hope I did ok, I think sometimes I'm more of a nitpicker than overall critiquer so I hope this is balanced. Didn't know either fandom, so couldn't do characterisation. Also. Long review. =D

Overall writing style: I thought it was pretty good. No real issues, although in some places I thought the tense was a little patchy. All three POVs had quite different voices, which I thought was really good. They were distinctive. I thought the dialogue was pretty good, although in the beginning the dialogue tags just seemed a little...off. I'm not sure how. They seemed to improve after that. Something else I noticed was that in the beginning Dean's dialogue was less refined than Sam's (which I think is good and shows their different characters), but somehow towards the middle it seemed to lose its unrefinedness (I know that's not a word) and then towards the end, when it's Dean's POV, it's back again. I like your descriptions. They made me picture everything quite clearly. (Except for the main characters, which I guess you didn't really go into because your target audience would know what they looked like.)

I don't get why you glossed over the actual demon-removing part, though. Two short paragraphs on how Sam led them to the demon and the demon being interested in Will? I dunno, just seemed a bit anti-climatic to me. There was so much detail in them meeting each other, in the dialogue...and then suddenly, just two paragraphs on the action. I had to reread them a few times to confirm that they'd driven the demon out, the glossing over was that unexpected.

Now onto the nitpicky stuff:

Third paragraph: "No point talking about what you can't change, that's what Dad would say about it." I think the tenses are a bit iffy, perhaps: "No point talking about what you can't change, that was what their Dad would say about it."

"Who are you really?" he asked. He moved closer once, closer again. There were groceries at his feet, but his hands were not empty, fiddling with something behind his back. I thought this came a little out of the blue. I kind of had to reimagine the scene in my head, which jolted me out a little. Perhaps mentioning the grocery bags earlier would be better?

The scene break started with: "Will was making them uncomfortable. It was a good start. They had come to question him, but he thought he might have more questions for them, after all." For some reason I found this incredibly confusing, and only several seconds later did I realise you changed POV. Perhaps saying, "They had come to question him, but Will thought..." would make it a lot clearer?

"He'd wondered what they were investigating, to need that." I think it should be: "He wondered..."

"The problem with these investigators is that they wanted to solve mystery upon mystery, and Will had only the scope to deal with one." Should be: "The problem with these investigators was that..."

I'd like a critique for Wishful Thinking. Fandom: Harry Potter. Summary: Sometimes there are good days. Sometimes there are bad. And sometimes you just close your eyes and pretend everything is okay again. Angelina meets George more than half a year after the battle of Hogwarts. Angelina/Fred.

My main concern is the emotions - both of the characters and the emotions that the reader feels. For anyone not familiar with the fandom, the only pre-reading info you need to know for this is that Fred and George were twins. You never saw one without the other, they were that close. Fred died at the end of the series. And in my fic his girlfriend at the time of death was Angelina.

8/22/2010 . Edited 8/22/2010 #313
Empress Nightshade

My review for Wishful Thinking:

Overall I thought it was really good, especially since I'm a fan of the twins. For the characters, I think you put enough detail for the reader to almost feel the emotions they were feeling. Throughout the story, I first felt happy during the dream. It was playful and romantic. Then sort of neutral when Angelina woke up. It was more just a realization of where the story was actually taking place. Everything after that was very sad and tragic.

Angelina: You make it very convincing that she was in love with Fred. And I could sense that Angelina was only going to like George because he reminded her of Fred before the scene actually happened. I could almost feel that's what she was thinking when she first spotted George in Diagon Alley.

George: I liked the different connections you made with him losing his twin.

"He'd lost some of his sparkle, just a bit of his spirit... she saw it in the laughs that weren't quite there, in the way he was reserved in his jokes. He'd start teasing Alicia, and then lose interest halfway, or seem to be waiting for someone else to continue the tease. He and Fred had always worked as a team. George would start, and Fred would finish it. They'd share a mischievous look and somehow be able to decide, in that moment, which of them was going to throw the Dungbomb, or empty a pot of soil on top of someone's head."

Here, it really summarizes the relationship between Fred and George. They are a dynamic duo, so it would be hard for one to be permanently without the other. I also like the birthday conflict, and the problem George has dealing with his family in friends. It really showed how Fred's death affected him and everyone else.

"Do you know why I came here tonight? To my twin brother's girlfriend? Because he loved you so much, and you knew him so well, that I thought you'd be able to look at me and see me. I thought that maybe, for a few hours, I could be with someone and not feel as though I'm a constant reminder that he's gone."

This part really defined how horrible and hurt George was feeling. As the reader, I felt so sorry for both him and Angelina. I hope this was helpful.I would like a review for my story: Star Crossed. I'd like a critique of the plot and how the pacing of the story is going so far. Also, the interactions between the characters. The fandom is Kingdom Hearts.

Summary: As Riku makes his journey through the darkness, he makes a chance encounter with a mischievous goddess. In a time where everyone around him is hard to trust, the most helpful friend can come from the most unlikely place. But is it enough to save him?

8/24/2010 #314

My Review for Star Crossed:

First, let me start by congratulating you on what an amazing piece of work you have hear! Until now, I knew next to nothing about Kingdom Hearts and thought it was quite a boring fandom but after reading this fic I have begun to think again. I am now going to go out and buy the game as well put this on my story alerts. Your descriptions and wording is fantastic and I felt as if I was reading an actual book and not just another fic on the internet. I loved how when you introduced Eris in the chapter you made her some sort of evil, dark character and then later on you showed us another side of her.

I loved the plot you have going on here but I thought that Riku discovered the new world really fast and you cut out some details like where Sora and Kairi were. The interactions between the characters were perfect and I personally loved reading them and you pacing is once again perfect! Don't take this lightly when I say that this is one of the best fics I've read so far (I've read a lot)and I am so glad I stumbled upon it

I would love a review for anyone of my fics. I write only for one fandom at the moment which is the Edge Chronicles and I know most of you guys probably have never heard of it before but a review would still be much appreciated. I've written three slash fics and so if you don't like that sort of thing you don't have to read it and instead you can read my other fic called Emotion but if you have no problem with slash, well then go right ahead!

9/25/2010 #315
Hamfast Gamgee

Firstly, I have never heard of edge chronicles, but I always like going into fandoms I don't know of! Interesting style of this talelet, I don't know who the Bandbear's are, but they seem to be some kind of collective mind from this one story. I'm not sure why your character sometimes says 'I,' and sometimes 'We,' I presume that is explained in the chronicles. The content itself is fairly moving considering this to be a dying person. The last thoughts of a creature dying is a moving one. Your paragraphs do seem a little short and many in this, but then I looked at another of your tales and the paragraphs were very long! You don't have to change paragraphs after every sentence or two. In fact, it's almost poetry like! I suppose you need to find a happy middle-ground. I do like the way you don't really describe what caused the fatal injuries at the time, it is more said in the Bandbear's thoughts. I quite liked the attitude of the Bandbear to the Fourthlings. that is similair to my own attitude of life in a way! Is the tile of the tale ironic? Because it seems to me that despite dying that this Bandbear shows little emotion. Although some stubboness. All in all however, this is promising, do you plan to write in other fandoms as well?

I hope that was helpful enough this time! PS I hear you don't like Twilight! Can the next person please review any tale of mine. Keep me guessing! Can one use this thread to request for reviews on Fictionpress as well?

9/26/2010 . Edited 9/26/2010 #316

Allright this is my review for Cinatit. I decided to review something original, because well I like reading original things. I hope this is helpful.

Ok I'm going to actually write this as I'm reading in order not to miss something that I left at the top of the page.

A couple of things I've noticed off the bat, be careful about there, their and they're. It's a simple mistake that's easy to make when we write quickly, and I found it in quite a few places.

"Now, Sarah and James were sharing together as the two were old flames and could show nothing to...."

I would suggest reading that out loud. The pause sounds a bit strange if you say it the way you've written.

"There was a klaxon announced by the Captain followed by"

A klaxon is generally a siren sound that goes off before an announcement. I'm not really sure what you mean by this. I understand that the captain would be alerting everyone, but a simple siren wouldn't necessarily give you that kind of information. Perhaps there was a klaxon to alert everyone that there would be an announcement?

Umm quite a few spelling errors mainly of words that aren't spelled wrong just in the wrong place. I found a lot of of when you meant off that sort of thing.

In the beginning you had your conversations included in the body of your paragraphs which isn't exactly correct, but if you'd stuck with it I would have called it a writing style. You didn't keep with it though later on you started changing paragraphs with speech. I think I might do this across the board as it saves confusion. It helps keep the flow of the dialogue moving.

You seem to be writing this in third person for the most part, but there are moments that seem not to fit exactly. It seemed at times to allude to second person which is fine, but again you need to choose.

I liked what you are alluding to at the end, but I felt, and this is just my opinion, that it took a while to come to that plot direction. Up until that point I was really spending my time wondering where you were going with it. It seemed to lack momentum. I'm not saying that you need to start with a big huge crash bang scene, but I want to have a reason to be invested in these characters. The other thing that bothered me a bit, and I think this has more to do with cultural colloquial norms, was that your characters seem rather cavalier about their floating home possibly ramming into a sun. You really could have played that tension up more. I looked ahead to see how long this was, and I have to say I really think you could do more with this. Instead of having them crash you could have had some sort of conspiracy behind the change in course. It could have led to some crazy adventures. Perhaps the shipped was hijacked for some governmental purpose or some other such nonsense. Again just my opinion. If you want something more in depth than this let me know. I didn't want to get super nit picky. Best of luck keep up with the writing! Cheers! ^.^

The story I would like to be reviewed is called Letters to My Dearest. The long and short of it is that it's getting way more hits than my other story, and I'd kind of like to know why. I'm afraid that I've written some romantic drivel... -.-()

10/7/2010 . Edited 10/7/2010 #317
Silas Goodwill

Here is my colorful review for "Letters to My Dearest"

Romance. The sultry, dry, lacy, frilled, spiritless, empty, and vile void that clings to the the bottom of the earth like a vile insect of parasitic origin. I loath romance with a unique passion, one that holds no reason nor ending, and spit upon the genre with extreme vigor that is only matched by the stamping of my manly man boots upon it's face. Now that I've given you that long diatribe on why Romance sucks, let me tell you why your story stands as the only example of a romance I've enjoyed. I, as a manly man who hates romance, know nothing about Sailor Moon. That is a source of personal pride. Their for, I can see the characters only as you have portrayed them, and not as they were originally created. Your story holds a very unique drama. The characters possess no backstory other then what is show in the letters, but already the audience can get a feel for the characters because of their distinct voices. Romance is less of the subject, as a framing device. The Prince seeks the Princess, but must navigate an implied burocracy to court her naturally. He must also deal with the Princess' guards, who appear to hold an extremely low opinion of him from the beginning. Without even creating the environment, The Audience can feel the animosity and relationship held by all four characters. It is such a clever mixture is potent enough to break down practically any barrier. If I were stretched to make a criticism. I would be reduced to grammar nitpicking: "will sway me not at all" is all way's a odd phrasing, try. "Will fail to sway Me." yes, it's simple. But it get's the point across easier. I would also warn you from getting two flowery with your description. You have not crossed the line yet, but try to not get so descriptive that the audience is caught in nausea. I hope that answers what every questions you might have. With that said, I would now humbily request that the story "Lege Perfectie" be reviewed thuroghly. It is the culumination of four years of Plot Bunny Possesion and I hope that it begins on a suitable foot so as to not alianate readers. I want it to be Epic. Please tell me if it feels that way.

10/14/2010 #318
White Eyebrow

White-Eyebrow's review of "Lege Perfectie"

First Impression:

I never realized that Super Smash Brothers could be so epically inspiring.


You have the makings of a good story here. I liked the first chapter—which is more like a prologue. You have a proselike style that really works. Most of my critic comes from the second chapter (where the story really starts.)


Careless grammar is the one sore-spot in your writing that detracts from your fine style. I'm by no means a grammar-nazi, but some of these killed the flow, like speed-bumps on a busy thoroughfare. Here are a few that I found on a first-reading. Most of these probably would've been caught with a simple proof-read.

...rebounding around the small metal quarters with a teeth grating whine...

You need to hyphenate "teeth-grating".

His mind sprang the room into its familiar collections of shapes and colors, blurred by his tired eyes as as the klaxon made it's anouncement.

-Redundant "as".

-Be careful not to confuse the contraction "it's" for the possesive "its".

-mis-spelled "anouncement."

...and a single circular patch that bore the outline of a illuminated wielding torch...

Use the article "an" before words that begin with vowels.

The silence that had first struck him wehn he entered teh room now made it's self visible, highlighting the empty desks and the small group of scientists arranged around the telescopes's Central Command Unit: a construction that ascended upward as a single pillar, decorated by a horde of blinking lights that warned of any damage to the telescope's systems.

You misspelled "wehn" and "teh", "it's self" should be rendered "itself". The singular possessive you attempted with "telescopes's" should be rendered "telescope's" (unless you meant to do the plural possessive, in which case it is "telescopes'") Also, this sentence is a little long. Consider breaking it up or making it more concise.

"Once we've assessed the readouts via your camera, and you've collected the data from the insterments, you'll be able to return to the station, and we can start sorting out this mess."

misspelled "insterments".

"Depressurizing chamber…97%...94%."

I used to do this too, but trust me when I say that spelling out your numbers looks a lot better on a page (not to mention it's the grammatically correct way in most cases.)

Enoch mentaly heard Thimble and Faust tempers begin to rise.


The apperance of a knight was strewn across it...


The panels began to come apart, admitting a view of the wire and circut filled interior.


Their was no sense of regret for what it was doing... "Their" should be "There".

Final Thoughts:

This does have the epic feel that you are shooting for. I would suggest taking the extra five minutes to do a spell-check will take care of about half the grammar issues. Other than that, stay the course, keep writing and you'll make this a great piece.

Next person please review chapter 19 of Prisoner of Hope.

10/17/2010 #319

My review on White-Eyebrow's Prisoner of Hope:

"I've found your request in the game, well you didn't make my job easy.

Before I actually start, let me tell you, I find the whole idea great, and I esspecially like the "back-ground" you made for the story.

OK to the topic: I really liked the picturesque contrast of the room and Druella's mood. You described it so well, it was totally like I saw it on film. Also the elf's behaviour was perfect.

I felt the confrontation between Moody and Evan was a bit rushed, but regardless it was very well-written.

I believe the Moody-Druella sceene was the highpoint of this chapter. I can't really say anything about it, as it speaks for itself.

I like how you handle Crouch's character in the present of the story. Based on the fanatism he shew at the end of GotF, I always considered him as a nearly insane person, I've never actually thought his personality could be built up so well- esspecially in with so "little pagetime".

The only thing I didn't like in this chapter is that, it seems to be -sorry for the word- a bit banal to me. Forced marriage, sad bride, ex watching from the distance, he confronts someone from the newly wed couples family- it follows the old formula a bit too narrowly. Then again, it's hard not to follow it.

So all at all, I believe this is a wonderful piece of work.

Keep up the great work!

I hope I could help you."

I'd like to ask a review for this fanfic: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6368392/1/A_threat_from_the_Wild_Spaces

10/23/2010 #320
The Unholy Trio

Reviewing "A Threat from the Wild Spaces":

"I saw Star Wars, so I'm a bit familiar with the characters, but I won't touch on any deep character traits.

I like how your story starts off right in the middle of action. Some typos/spell errors I noticed though, that don't look good to the eyes. "he's" instead of "his", teaseing/teasing, strucked/struck, etc. I always use one of the various online free spell checking programs before posting. Perhaps that's something for you too? I'm guessing you hail from a german speaking country, since your quotation marks are inverted at the beginning of each phrase.

I really like how you use italics for your thoughts, it's a good way to discern them from actual conversation. The end of the chapter is quite good, a cliffhanger! All in all, it was a hooking action sequence. If you want to improve your grammar, I suggest taking advantage of the many beta readers offering their services on here! Your story is definitely promising, and I'm going to check out your other chapters soon!"

Please review The Serpent: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6416244/1/The_Serpent

10/26/2010 #321

Reviewing "The Serpent"

I know nothing whatsoever about this fandom, which probably accounts for me being confused at the start. However, I continued reading , because the style is rather fascinating. Very immediate, very stark. I soon got the impression that this was a post-apocalyptic world of sorts, and there was a strong feel of, what shall I call it, mental claustrophobia? The short sections and sentences worked very well in that respect, and I also got a distinct impression of the relationship between these two characters. The biblical references were also skilfully used, the theme of hybris well presented. I liked this, and I would imagine that people familiar with this fandom would find it even more interesting, as I could tell that there were various things which went over my head.

Please review either "Impossibly Blue" (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6073235/1/Impossibly_Blue) or "Lobelia Sackville-Baggins Is Dead" (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6346241/1/Lobelia_Sackville_Baggins_Is_Dead)

10/26/2010 #322
Nathaniel Cardeu

Review of "Impossibly Blue";

Very nice story. I haven't delved into the history or any of the things that happen after the War of the Ring so I didn't recognise the blue wizard (and in truth I thought it was Gandalf with a new robe at first!). I loved the description that went into Minas Tirith, it's people and the history of the city from the time of the War. The banter between the two siblings is great - I got the impression they were family before their relationship was revealed (that's how well it came across in the narrative). Only one tiny spelling error that may have avoided the censors (and I feel like a complete a** for even mentioning it): "Yes. He is described as a bearded old man, of imposing statue, garbed in white and bearing a tall staff."

"stature" being the correction. I'm sorry! The main thing that I loved about the story was the siblings relationship, their love comes across so clearly with the way they nip at each other, back and forth, him at her because of her talking shop, her at him for always being right and going into detail with everything. Perfect. And of course the beautiful imagery evoked in your descriptions. Bravo.

And I'm also reading "Lobelia Sackville-Baggins Is Dead" too and will review that too.

After reading "Impossibly Blue" I feel embarrassed to submit my humble effort (the style and quality being so far above that of my story) but mine is for a laugh mainly and based on a cartoon I love dearly.

Please review "Skip to me Loo" - a Phineas and Ferb fic

Edit: Have reviewed "Lobelia Sackville-Baggins Is Dead" as well but won't post the review here to avoid muddling things. Just to say; excellent work.

From mod: Please do not double-post.

10/29/2010 . Edited by Rhea Silverkeys, 10/30/2010 #323
White Eyebrow

This thread is getting stale again, guys. I'm partly responsible for being gone so long, but let's end the year strong. :D

White-Eyebrow's review of Chapter 1 of "Skip to me Loo"

First Impression:

Don't apologize for your story!


I'm actually very familiar with this fandom from watching it with my son regularly. If anyone's never heard of "Phineas and Ferb", I recommend giving it a gander. That said, I think you achieved your goal of maintaining the look-and-feel of the show. It felt like I was reading the transcript from an episode.


Pretty good job here. You have a very readable style. The only thing glaring I saw was that you need to change paragraphs whenever your character focus changes (and especially if the speaker changes.) Don't be put-off by the nitpicks; I really enjoyed reading this. "Well Ferb," said Phineas suddenly, "This isn't getting anything done… what's next on our agenda?" I would make this it's own paragraph. Also, I'd recommend getting rid of "suddenly". Startled the boys looked up to see Buford Van Stomm standing behind them. Missing comma after "Startled". "Me! I'm on your agenda today!" the square faced bully said, his black T-shirt with the skull on it looking especially menacing today. I would make this it's own paragraph. "Yeah, Halloween is coming up in a couple of months and I need a better way of tricking people this year," he said. His expression turned thoughtful as he said, "I'm thinking toilet roll this year. A lot of it!" His finger was thrust out and it poked Ferb in the nose, causing the green haired boy's eyes to cross trying to see it. "And I need you guys to build something so I can get as many houses as possible, as quickly as possible! Time is money!" Buford glared at the two boys. This is a stylistic nit of mine, so take it with a grain of salt. You waited until the last sentence of this paragraph to specify Buford as the speaker. Although it's obvious from the context, for the sake of clarity, I would specify Buford at the start, then feel free to use pronouns for the rest of the paragraph. Hyphenate "green-haired".

Upstairs in her room Candace Flynn lounged on her bed, her cell phone stuck to the side of her head chattering away to Stacey. Missing comma after "head" (because the cell phone is not doing the "chattering".) At that moment there was a crash of metal and Phineas' voice drifted in through the window; "Careful Ferb, that power source is delicate!" The speaker has changed so new paragraph here. Stacey told Candace that, as she hadn't been there, she actually had no idea what Jeremy had said but Candace, unfortunately, had stopped listening. This sentence is in the way. I would remove it. "Oh hi again Candace." said Phineas happily, gesturing towards the blueprint and Ferb, "Isn't it great?... There should be a comma after "Candace", rather than a period. Conversely, there should be a period after "Ferb", rather than a comma. Candace glanced up at Buford who just stared back before saying, "I got targets! So what?" Consider: Buford returned Candace's glare, saying, "I got targets! So what?" her voice had gotten louder and more shrill as her rant went on. This is a sentence, not a dialogue tag, so "her" should be capitalized. As soon as he heard Candace's bedroom door slam closed he sprang upright, fedora once more on his head, and slipped into the bathroom. Tiptoeing to the cupboard in the corner he opened up the door and slipped in between the toilet rolls. The back of the cupboard peeled away and Perry dropped out of sight. Consider making this it's own paragraph since at this point you changed focus back from Candace to Perry. "All I'm saying Carl is that you should check before you leave the bathroom! Seeing something like that can be a shock to the system. Ah. There you are Agent P." said the Major when he caught sight of Perry and the platypus saluted crisply. Again the speaker (and thus the focus) has changed, begetting a new paragraph. Turning to look at Perry again Doofenshmirtz seemed to shrink back down on himself and become more human... Actually, I wouldn't have started a new paragraph here since your focus is still on Doof. It's perfectly okay to make that a single paragraph.

Final Thoughts:

Don't apologize for your story!


Next up, please review Chapter 20 of Prisoner of Hope.

12/12/2010 . Edited 12/12/2010 #324
Empress Nightshade

Review for: Chapter 20 of Prisoner of Hope

Overall good grammar and sentence structure. You have a very solid writing style. The detail was really good.

Moody forced his eyes to remain open, fixed on his opponent. His head was pounding and his throat felt scratchy, yet he refused to relent as his fingers grasped tightly around his weapon of choice. He regarded the determination in his opponent's blood-shot eyes and bowed. The enemy across from him merely licked his lips in anticipation of the duel.

You made it easy for the reader to picture what is going on. Also your characterization and plot are done very well. Although, I love Harry Potter, the characters that are the main focus aren't exactly my favorite. However, you've written it well enough for me to get into the story and enjoy it regardless.

Moody: From what I remember from the books, he is in character. His personality doesn't seem very different from his older self.

Plot: The storyline comes together very nicely. You have a good mixture of dialogue, comedy, and drama.

"Er…Now I am confused. What was the signal, then?"

After putting the bowler on, Moody bowed his head in answer. "That."


"I very clearly tipped my hat."

Reuben stared blankly for a few seconds. "What kind of god-awful signal is that?"

"It's something subtle that the baddies wouldn't pick up on."

"You got the subtle part right, seeing as how I didn't pick up on it either."

I thought this part was really funny.

I'd like a review for this story: Rivalry That Transcends Generations

Summary: The Dark Lord has been vanquished, and the war is a thing of the past. Now, nineteen years later, the children are leaving for Hogwarts, and in this short time of peace, who knows what to expect? Sequel to The Girl Who Lived.

12/30/2010 #325

Grammar: Im not a grammar expert, but I didn't notice anything that was bad or made the story hard to understand.

Mood: It's started off really confusing, then I was like oh ,ok I get it. I really like the mysterious vibe that you bring to it, as well as the fact that isn't not always one mood.

Plot: I didn't read the story that goes before this, I don't have that much spare time. But I liked it, the part where James wheres a tutu was nice. I also like how you give the story a romeo/juliet twist, with scorpious and Star. There was good detail, I liked the comments that the sorting hat gave.

I would like a review for this story : (The Wild One) http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6650921/1/The_Wild_One

Summary: . But it is a tale none the less, that needs to be told.

1/20/2011 #326

Here's my review for the Wild One:

Okay, I came across your story from the Story Review Game, and just a quick little disclaimer before I start: I tend to be pretty harsh and demanding, even with things like fanfictions, and I do believe I'm probably more critical than most of the community here. I also happen to be only an amateur, too, so please take my advice with a grain of salt. (Oh, and the formatting on the SRG is so much better...they don't allow blockquotes in reviews...sigh, sigh)

Firstly, I like your details (ie "the scarlet color of her dress was deep"), and in the first two paragraphs, your tone feels a bit Shakespearian to me (which is a good thing). However, there are some points where you have a couple of grammar mistakes (ie "the wild one curl's" should be "the wild one's curls"). Your introduction is very intriguing...only thing...is "Her brother was also a painter and got told it wasn't a good way to make a living" really relevant to the story? Because it seriously sticks out like a sore thumb.

Additionally, with grammar: Your speech tags need a comma behind them. For example, it should be something like,

She said, "Hello!"

But often speech tags are unnecessary and actually detract from the story. Very often, it's possible to do without them, especially when the character who is talking is also performing some action at the same time. For example, The wild one looked down and mumbled "A restless spirit doesn't settle."Her father looked at her and said "He is a fine suitor." could instead be The wild one looked down, mumbling, "A restless spirit doesn't settle."Her father looked at her. "He is a fine suitor." Here's another example from one of my fav fanfictions: Holmes went limp and calmly informed them, "Money's in the left jacket pocket."The man on top of him sneered. "Is that so?" Also regarding the speech: the second half of this chapter feels very script-like. As only the strange man and the wild one speak, it's possible to just leave out most of the speech tags - just have something to identify every few lines, in case the reader gets lost. For example: The wild one stared at him with wide eyes. "I wish not to be out there.""It seems you have no choice.""I'm not one for speaking, but you force me to.""Indeed I do, you have a lovely voice," he replied, with a slight smile. and etc. At least please don't use A said, B said in a line. It's very monotonous. Another random example: "You're just as guilty as me," the murderer whispered. She had red eyes, eyes the color of the jewel Lily instinctively hated. That teardrop-shaped gemstone, set in white gold, that vortex of evil."Don't wake up! Don't come back! Go through the curtain!" Lily screamed. "Head towards the light!" She was babbling now; her own words made no sense in her mind.The murderer smirked, lightly. "Don't deny your sins.""I won't embrace them! I won't embrace you!""Pity." A crooked-half grin. I will say, however, that your dialogue also feels rather Shakespearian. On sentence structure: some variation, please? You basically have S + V, maybe S + V + O and the occasional S + V + "and" + S + V. Examples of variation: The wild one sat down on the ground and arranged her skirts, silently."Not one for talking?" the strange man asked.Shaking her head, she handed him a piece of paper, a picture of a woman with a rose. He took a look and asked, "Who is she?"But the wild one just shook her head vigorously and fled to the house. Etc, etc etc. Basic overview: Like the idea, find it interesting, but more variation would be nice and some minor grammar mistakes.


I'd like a review for My Sister's Keeper, but I'm realistic enough to realize that most people don't want to read a 11k+ word one-shot. Still, I'd really appreciate it if someone could review it, as I feel that the ending is too ambiguous.

But if that's too long, then please take a look at the second part of the prologue in Mercenary (I divided the prologue into two parts because the whole thing is like 13k words long and because the first half was pure Lily and the second pure James.)

And if that's still too long, then please review A Fighting Chance.

(All three of these are from the Harry Potter fanfiction).

Oh, and please please please be as critical as possible! As they say: I can't improve if I don't know what I'm doing wrong...

Much thanks,


1/20/2011 #327
D.D. Century

This is a rather long story, so I will write a rather long review. I'll start by saying what I really liked about it, go on to say what I would have changed and finish it off by pointing out all the nitty gritty nuts and bolts type of stuff.

First of all I liked this story very much although it is longer than most fanfic I've read I never felt like it was a waste of my time. Your imagery had several moments that stood out as very good. For some reason describing Dumbledore's reaction as a slight widening of the eyes and narrowing of nostrils brings a very clear image to mind. Although "catching a subtle look of surprise" would have been fine you took it to a different level by really thinking about how people perceive one another physically. Your use of language often brought forth not only and image but a feeling as well. For example when "Marie pulled her wits back around her" the mental effort of recovering from a shock is brought to mind not, just looking at someone recovering form a shock. Your description of the concept of 'wing space' actually brought me back to my youth, recalling the feeling as I enjoyed jumping from a cliff top to a nearby tree or some other such fool things I did to shake my fist at limitations gravity put on me. It also stirred up feelings of longing for my rural and suburban upbringings in my now all to urban life. Marie and Rachel are both compelling creations.

Although I did enjoy the story very much there is a lot I would change about it. Your use of sections was a bit odd. Many of the shorter ones I felt could have been tagged on to another section, and some I felt didn't belong in this story at all. The only places they really worked well was when you changed to Rachel's perspective. As a matter of fact you could have used more of those to flesh out her character and her relationship with Marie who has great potential to be important to this story. Also, one scene with the expecting Mrs. Potter making her decision about Rachel would be fun to read. The section that stood out to me as one that just didn't belong in this story at all is the second one with Ron and Hermione. Remember that although Ron and Hermione are main characters in the books and movies, they are not in this story. I've only watched the movies, so a few things did stand out that I'm sure wouldn't have had I read the book. For example I can only assume that the NEWTS are like the OWLS from your story, and I really have no Idea who Shacklebolt is. You might wan to include a word or two giving them at least a bit of meaning for those of us who haven't read the books.

Now on to a few of the nitty gritty stuff I have to mention. 'Vault' really only means jumping. A ten year old girl can't vault over a 20ft wall. She could vault over the top of it, but she clearly climbed up to that point and after it. Also damn is a swear word, not a swear world. Other than that you're grammar and spelling is far better than mine.

One more obscure note. Relatively few snakes can see in the infrared spectrum, only three families if I remember correctly. Of course a 10 year old probably wouldn't have known this unless they wanted to be a herpetologist when they grew up like I did at that age. I'm also pretty sure Voldmort's snake was a python which is one of those families, so I don't really think you need to change your story at all I just thought you might like to know.

One more thing after reading your post again I thought the ending was actually pretty good, although I did want to see a little more of Marie's reaction in the second to last scene, but then again I wanted to see more of Marie in general.

I would like a review of the last chapter of http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5172624/1/Walks_of_the_four_winds This is a longer piece that I have not worked on in quite a while. If you want to read and comment on the whole story feel free to do so, but it is the last chapter that I am most interested in receiving feedback on.

1/30/2011 #328
so kiss me goodbye

Please remember these opinions are my own and will differ from others. They are opinions and may be given as much (or as little) weight as you see fit. Also, the scope of this review is limited to one chapter - so these comments may or may not be relevant to your whole story.

Hi D. D. Century

Can I suggest two (related) areas in your story to focus on: concept clarity and sentence simplicity.

My initial reaction to your story may be useful feedback. Although I read the entire chapter (and by the end was impressed enough to research the fandom), I struggled at first to make sense of it - not because the subject matter was unfamiliar, but because my brain felt it had to untangle many of the sentences. Once I had a handle on the style I was able to get through the chapter by reading slowly.

I know balancing one's creative needs, tastes and literary sensibilities with the foibles and expectations of readers is sometimes a difficult and painful exercise. I suspect most readers gravitate to stories that seem effortless to read. If I hadn't been reading this chapter for a purpose, I would have clicked out of it. (In case this is disheartening, remember I am just one reader - what challenges me may be a walk in the park for others.)

I didn't click away - and I can say I discovered a story that got me interested, and had me asking questions and wondering how the plot would evolve.

With its large plaza, slave market and artisans' quarters, and the societal interest in mathematics and astronomy, Xin for me has the feel of an ancient Persian/Arabic center. I almost imagined I was reading a tale from 1001 Nights crossed with some of the Star Trek Titan fiction I've read. I'm not familiar with this fandom so all of my impressions were drawn from your words.

Arrow's quest to free her brother is a great hook. As the chapter unfolded, I thought there was terrific potential for conflict and any number of plot possibilities. Arrow has the attributes of a young adventurer with a compassionate nature - tenacious but still with much to learn about her own abilities (and still to acquire the confidence that goes with that knowing). It would be great to read Arrow taking in more sensory information - things like temperature, weather, her impression of how the Xinians react to her. These could be used to break up large tracts of dialogue. The description of the raptoran artist was vivid.

Back to clarity and simplicity.

I don't want to interfere with your personal storyteller's voice. If you can see merit in what I'm saying, I suggest you try simplifying some sentences; see if any words are unnecessary or if one wordcan replace three; consider the imagery and action in each sentence: a sentence crammed with too many ideas can be jarring - sometimes the concept is *worth* breaking out into two sentences.

In terms of concept clarity, think about how much is going on in a sentence. Does the information need to be at that particular point? Is there too much information for one sentence to comfortably convey? Is the sentence ordered logically so that the information flows smoothly? Does one sentence flow smoothly into the next?

The challenge is to retain all the elements of your concepts and your voice (ie., choice of vocab/sentence structure) while striving for clear, well-structured sentences.

I thought I would play around with the start of your opening paragraph (my goal was to reduce the word count to see what effect it would have, but I ended up adding a couple of words for meter.)

Original:The planet that she had know(n) her whole life as Tuilviel's (E)ye vanished even from Arrow's keen sight as the sun rose over the city of Xin. She measured its last visible position in relation to the horizon and reference marks carved in the platform on which she stood. Writing those measurements down as well as the time according to the cylindrical water clock in the language of learning, had been her last chore of the night for the past six months. The planet that her new home called Lasti could be seen by her raptoran eyes nearly a half hour after the keenest human eyes had lost sight of it.

My version: Tuilviel's Eye vanished from Arrow's sight as the sun rose over Xin. Carefully, she measured the planet's last visible position in relation to reference marks carved in the platform she was standing on*. Recording those measurements in the language of learning had been her final daily chore for the last six months; the planet known as Lasti to the Xinians could be seen by her raptoran eyes nearly a half hour after the keenest human eyes had lost sight of it.

I removed the opening phrase ("The planet she had known as") but I can see it adds rhythmic balance to the sentence, and is paralleled later in the paragraph. It's good to know what can potentially be removed but also good to know when to argue for the inclusion of something. In this case you could argue the poetic value of the phrase outweighs the aim to reduce words.

I like the image of the water clock but took it out to simplify the sentence. The image is so nice I would recycle it elsewhere in the chapter (or remove the phrase "in the language of learning"). At this point these details slow the story down.

I'm not suggesting my example improves yours (in fact, I think the sentences could be played with more to improve the rhythm) but I offer it as an example of the way sentences can be cut back.

It might be helpful to imagine yourself in the role of devil's advocate: every word must justify its place in the story to you.

The irony of this post is I've just written a thesis suggesting you aim for clarity and simplicity ... a case of do as I say, not as I do, maybe?

*I quite merrily resort to prepositions at the end of sentences; everyone, of course, has their own preferences.

I've got two WIPs on fanfiction.net. One (Star Trek TNG) is on hiatus, the other (The X-Files) I wouldn't foist on anyone unless they read the blurb and were interested. The most accessible work I have online is an X-Files one-shot, but the story which could probably benefit from a considering eye is the BSG novella I wrote last year. It's long but broken into reasonably short chapters. The start is straight forward but by about Chapter Six things start getting ... um ... trippy. I anticipated some readers would find parts confusing - and I'm willing to live with that - but it would be useful for me to know if the parts which are supposed to make sense, do make sense.

2/4/2011 . Edited 7/19/2012 #329

Okay, this is my review for Cursum Perficio. Btw, I'd like to know where the inspiration for that name came from if possible (in PM, of course).

/Soft pop-pop-pops plop from the fish tank./ You probably shouldn't use conflicting sound effects. Plop doubles as a verb and a sound effect. You might want to use a verb that ONLY means the sound travelled.

/Night sounds in a mechanical natural world./ Mechanical and natural are antonyms. Exactly what did you mean by this?

/...the velcro peel of rubber creeping over bitumen.../ What? What is a bitumen and on what planet does a car peeling out sound like velcro?

You demonstrate the stillness and quiet calm of the setting very well through your writing.

/...a smear of foam over wooden ribs./ Ooh, a metaphor. Nice.

/He found that end by himself; broke a hard habit of restlessness and refusal to accept; set himself free; surrendered./ I saw the whole series and even I'm lost. I doubt less knowlegeable readers will get this. I know you're going for mysterious and vague, telling a story through inference, but this line is going way too far. You've lost me.

/She shivers, jealous and flushed./ Which means now I'm wondering why she's reacting like this. The one thing I could think the other line meant doesn't fit this in the least.

/It's late and her thoughts are foolish./ This made me giggle.

/She ghosts through his room./ Great verb!

In your fic, you mention about a basin, but in America we usually say sink. Basin is mostly used in contruction or other professions where you need to specify the parts of a sink. Or on rare occasion when you have a large metal tub that isn't big enough for a person, but not so small that it's a bucket. I really have no idea where you're from, but I'm assuming someplace with a British influence? Do you have an American beta?

/Round and round, she goes; back and forth from silver nitrate image to carbon flesh and back./ Okay, this sounds good and deep, but I'm really not sure what the whole riff you've gone on here means. At first you seem to be talking about a life of predictable cycles that get her nowhere, then suddenly you're talking about her and a mirror image doing a back and forth cycle (which I'm not entirely sure most people would get since I'm not even sure what silver nitrate is. I've heard of it, but I'm only guessing that's supposed to be what mirrors are made of).

Unfortunately, I can't finish reading. I don't do sex fics. Unless sex has me and I'm in control of what's happening, it's just not my thing. Even if you cut out before the 'good stuff', just getting there is beyond me. But for someone who enjoys that sort of thing, this is definitely a great fic. I'm considering reading one of your other fics.

I think you're very good at writing. You know your way around a metaphor and mostly know how to infer information without being too vague. I think stilted writing you used to convey a sense of mostly stillness briefly interrupted by flashes of movement was very effective for a while, but continuing it throughout the entire story may have been taking it a little too far. I kept waiting for it to stop and for the sentences to fill out, complete, like they always do. I did notice your writing had excellent crecendos and decrecendos that were placed appropriately, especially when she started to get passionate and I had to stop reading.

Overall, good job. I'd recommend this to a friend if I knew any into X-Files.

A minor typo: /Her skin wants to breath[e].../

I'm not really writing right now, but it would definitely help if someone could give me some advice on my one and only romance fic. The Price of Love is a Teen Titans cartoon fic with OCxAqualad (slash). I wrote the characterizations more in the spirit of the comic though, since I think the cartoon has everyone and everything a little too ridiculous for my writing style. They're like the real life versions of the cartoons. I am pretty much lost about relationships, so if I could get some help on how believeable they are as a couple, what you think of the hopes and fears and problems of the POV character and whether or not its even romantic, that would be terrific. I've gotten one great review, but it wasn't detailed in that department, so I'm still really nervous about it.

If you don't like that one, I'll accept reviews on anything else too.


2/4/2011 #330
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