Writers Anonymous
Writers, come in. Talk about your stories, problems, any advice you need, critique, etc. You don't have to be good, you just need to want to write! Fanfic or original fic writers, all are welcome. Read the rules before posting or risk Rhea's displeasure.
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White Eyebrow

White Eyebrow's review of The Price of Love:

It seems fitting that I would christen you with my first review of the year. So, here goes...

First impression:

I know you went out of your comfort zone in writing a romance fic, but I'm still not cutting you any slack because you're not a noob, m'dear. *insert pernicious laughter*


Clean as usual. Just a couple of nitpicks:

//My heart swelled until it felt too big for my chest and I felt such a deep need to [get] as close to him as I could that nothing ever felt close enough.

//Honestly, it was all the lying and all the pretending and all [the] sneaking that was getting to me, not just him.


As requested, I'm focusing on the romance aspect here. You had me worried in the beginning there; at first it seemed as though it was going to be one of those gooey, sappy conflict-free romances. However, the second half put those fears to rest, giving the relationship some much needed balance. I don't blame you for shying away from romance: it's hard. IMO, the key to romance is 'balance' and 'characterization'. For the reasons I have stated above, you have achieved a good balance so far, so that just leaves characterization...

OC-D***: you did a good job of putting me in his head and keeping me there. If you plan on continuing this, in future chapters I would want to see less exposition and more detailing of his character in how he deals with conflict.

Garth: even though he didn't get much "screen time", I thought he was sketched out well.

Romance: I list romance here because the romance genre is unique in that the relationship is central to the plot, rather than a mere plot device. As such, I feel it helps to think of the relationship itself as a character in it's own right (albiet a schizophrenic character.) Try to keep that in mind going forward.

Final thoughts:

So, to answer the question, 'is it romantic?' My response would be two-fold: it depends on what you where trying to accomplish; and I think it is as romantic as it can be, given the constraint that you are only one chapter in.

Let's see I think we left off at Chapter 21 of Prisoner of Hope (M). Critic welcomed with open arms.

2/5/2011 . Edited 2/5/2011 #331

My review of Prisoner of Hope:

This is in response to the review game at Writers Anonymous.

You write very well. That was the first thing that struck me. I did not read the previous chapters, but I still did not have much problems with following the narrative. You established the situation clearly enough to follow, and it did not matter much - to me - that I did not know the wider context.

Still, since I lack the wider context, there might be points that I have missed, so you would have to take that into account. Also, I am not a native speaker, so I will not comment on spelling and grammar - you have clearly a much better grasp on those than I. I do have a few comments that I hope will be helpful. Some might be a matter of taste, but I trust that you will know to pick what you find useful and disregard the rest.

Fist small thing. You have:

Once Moody determined it was safe to speak, he asked Reuben, "Which way do we go now?"

It felt unnecessary to point out that he asks Ruben; there are only the two of them there. Who else are he going to ask? A more active sentence, or perhaps just the dialogue, might work better.

"Weasley-wands" - while I loved the sound that made, is is such a noisy word that I think you should be careful with how often you use it. Thrice so close to each other as you have at the beginning, was a little much to me. I became more hung up on the word than the story.

At first I thought the girls' behavior was a bit over the top, the explanation came quickly enough. I think I caught on to them about the same time as Ruben did. I do wonder, though: is it Moody and Ruben that don't know their name, or have you just not named them? If they knew about the missing girls, and identified them as them, why keep calling them "the blonde" and "the brunette"? It felt cumbersome, and I think you could have cut some of the 'blonde' and 'brunette' references and still kept it clear. For instance in the sentence:

"He looked down to regard the top of the brunette's busy head(...)"

You have already established that it is the brunette that is working on Moody, we do not need the reminder, and at least to me it felt artificial to have him refer to her as 'the brunette' in this situation. We are seeing it from Moody's POV here - at least that is the impression I get from reading.

Where it really threw me, was after their transformation though. I had some problems imagining how they looked, and I think part of it was because you kept referring to them as 'the blonde' and 'the brunette' afterwards too. Did they keep the hair? The face? That split down the middle - so how did they know who was who?

And does it really matter for the rest of the story if Moody and Ruben can keep track of who is who? They are two female-spider-monster-things. Confusion on keeping them apart might be a way to reinforce the feeling of dread and revulsion and to crank up the tension. And I know that i would not have bothered with trying to keep track of which monster pretended to be which girl: I would only have wanted to either get away from them both, or kill them both. The only distinction that would had mattered, would be which was closest, and whether one was hurt.

The last thing that I found a bit disturbing (in the sense of pulling me out of the narrative) was the shouting at the ending. The monster might of course just _be_ very prone to cliché behavior, but having her shout "WHEN I DEVOUR YOU!" at the end, did not make her very scary to me, rather the opposite. And it had much less impact on me than it would have had if you had cut that last sentence.

Other than that, I did find your writing to be very good, and the story to be engaging. I enjoyed the small bantering between the brothers, it lightened the story and felt natural to me. It fitted. Your sentences has a nice flow, and the telling is mostly clear, and it is evident that you know the fandom very well. I believe in your characterization of Moody (Ruben I don't know enough about to say).

I would like a review of one of the later chapters of When the Grass Grows Green, preferably the fifth or sixth chapter. AU story for Lord of the Rings, at this point most of the characters are OC's. All kinds of comments is welcome, and as I am not a native speaker, and is dyslectic, I am always happy to have grammar and spelling-mistakes pointed out so I can fix them. I would like comments on other aspects too though ;) Might just point out that I use British spelling (getting corrected on things that are correct, is not all that fun...)

2/9/2011 #332
The Forbidden Truth

This is my review to Ragnelle's Where the Grass Grows Green:

Hello! I hope I can be of some service to you by giving you a little review. :D

'Borondir was there, and a small, skinny little man – a clerk – who held on to his box of inks and papers as if he feared it would be taken away from him.' - There is something not right about the sentence structure here. I don't pretend to be an expert on English grammar myself so I could be wrong. But I'd like to point out that while I was reading it aloud, the last part of the sentence felt like it didn't end properly, like I felt you were going to say more about the clerk but left it hanging. Again, it just might be me.

"And that are to ensure me that you will be safe?" 'He looked at Éomer and smiled. "I have sharper eyes that you have thought, master hunter, and sharper ears as well..."' - Just a typo. I believe it should be, 'I have sharper eyes THAN you have thought.'

'"You are late. This is the solid proof you have? Too many times this winter have you given groundless accusations, and I tire of the work you put me trough for each innocent man I have to release. You know it is a far greater hassle to release a man than to apprehend him, and it is I that must do it."' - Another typo. It should be, 'I tire of the work you put me THROUGH...' Also, I just wanted to suggest, changing the word 'hassle' to something else, like 'nuisance'. There's nothing wrong with using the word but I just find that the word 'hassle' sounded so modern given the context.

'"These proofs you site are not enough for me to risk begin delayed, Gwidor.' - 'Site' should be 'cite' and I think you meant, 'being' and not 'begin'.

'"And that are to ensure me that you will be safe?"' - You can either switch 'that' with 'those' and keep 'are' or keep the word 'that' and change 'are' to 'is'.

I love your descriptions from the very beginning -- very vivid. It sucked me in and was thoroughly enjoying reading this from the get go. Also, the dialogue was not tedious to read at all and I was anxiously waiting to find out what would happen to Eomer. I'm sorry that for the most part I didn't understand what was going on and wondered why Eomer was disguising himself even though he was already king. But I suppose that is more my fault than anything because I haven't read anything else but this chapter. It didn't deter me from reading though. I figured that I'll just enjoy it as if it were a stand alone piece. And yet you saved me from a lot of guessing when I finally get the gist of what was happening by the end of this chapter! This has been an extremely interesting read and I think I might go back and read it from the beginning. :)

If anyone can drop by to review my story for An Innocent Affair, I'd appreciate all the feedback you can give me. Thanks! It's a Twilight fic but hopefully I have made it a decent one. :)

2/9/2011 #333

This is my review to The Forbidden Truth'sAn Innocent Affair

I freely admit I am by no means I Twilight Fan, so I am afraid I can't really review your characterization, but I can review the quality of your writing thanks to years of grading to many essays. And yes, I am using 6+1. Its what I always do :P

Ideas: Your ideas are pretty good. Obviously in a work of fan fiction some of the ideas are going to be ones you have borrowed, but I can tell that your bringing something to the table in the form of keeping me invested in all your characters for the most part. Harriet is angsting a good bit, as are all the characters, but from what I understand this is acceptable for the target audience and works in your piece to enhance the whole.

Organization: Your first chapter drew me in. Anyone who knows hunger can sympathize with Jasper, and anyone who's ever had a caffeine headache (or worse) knows what its like to fight off a craving you cant indulge at the moment. Your story also flows logically, I am not left wondering why the heck I'm looking at this person suddenly, obviously the first perspective flip is always a bit jarring, but even that is fairly smooth since you quickly tell me what I am reading. Inside of a single perspective you do fairly well with keeping things coherent, and overall it really leads to a readable piece that flows well.

Voice: Your voice is very strong. Again, Jasper's struggle and Harriet's grief are things I can empathize with and keeps me invested in your character. The fact that I was happy to keep reading your piece even though I am not a fan of the source material speaks to just how strong your voice is.

Word Choice: A+. Your as varied as some of the better authors out there, I don't ever feel like I am reading the same sentence over and over again thanks to stale openers and your use of verbs and adjectives is broad enough that I never feel like I am reading something one of my students would right, indeed its obvious you have either a very expressive vocabulary yourself or you took the time to use a thesaurus to enliven your sentences (I work in primary education, especially special education gifted/autism).

Sentence Fluency: No chat speak? I LOVE YOU! Obviously your word choice and voice makes a very positive impact here, and its essentially more of the same. Great variance and good flow.

Conventions: Admittedly, I am not the worlds greatest grammar cop or spelling nut, but everything was very readable to me. It looks like you either have a good editor or a solid grasp of the English language yourself.

Presentation: Your presentation is clean : no overuse of italics, boldface, underlining or capital letters.

One word of advice though: careful not to turn your characters into martyrs. There is only so much going wrong for them the audience can take before they stand up and cry "Grow a spine! Take it like a man!" Obviously everyone's tolerance for this is different (mine is fairly low) so it depends on what you are going for. There is a fine line between empathizing with a character and wanting to slap that character. Walk that line well and you will be a truly great writer. Overall I would say tone down the angst a notch or two, but other then that your fine.

Please review my fic, The Awakening of Haruhi Suzumiya at your discretion. Any and all feed back is appreciated.

2/11/2011 #334
Silas Goodwill

I already tried posting this, hope I didn't make a mistake. This is my (ridiculously long) review for Triforceelf's "The Awakening of Haruhi Suzumiya"

For this story, I feel that you've a firm enough grasp of grammar and spelling to warrant my ignoring it for the purpose of this review. I will primarily concern myself with the nature of the story, the writing, and the characters.

I do not watch Anime, I have never watched Anime, and do not have future plans to watch Anime, however even I (Also a T.V Tropeist) know the universe tentatively enough to look it up in a search engine.

Starting with the basic premesis of the show:

From my perspective, you've done a fairly good job with integrating the style of the characters with the story. Kyon acts EXACTLY as I would imagine he is portrayed, his presence reeking the reservation and adaption that has come with the bizarre occurrences that come with being near a reality distortionist. However the other characters feel…strained. You allow the audience to bond with Kyon in the first chapter, but most of the other interactions come off as tentative after that, you need to put more perspective from the other characters, as you have for Haruhi and Koizumi.

For the premesis of the story:

This, I am sorry to say, is something people have often striven for with their first stories, the complete rewriting of the established setting. Thankfully, you've done a fairly decent job so far. Not perfect, but I'll get to that later. You introducing the universe very well, the entire first chapter doing a superb task of capturing the stories setting, and your second is perhaps the best beginning of an ominous mod that I've seen, the (To dip into a term you've doubtlessly seen on T.V Tropes) Mood Whiplash working well to establish what's to come.

Now: The Nitty, Gritty, Ugly stuff.

Perhaps it's me (I did read all of what you've written over the past four hours) but really the writing has fallen from the first and second chapter onward. Having looked at your author notes, I feel that the main culprit for this is your update schedule.I've found that writing is better when you give yourself enough time to finish the chapter and not worry about updating on a schedule that ultimately restrains your creation. Really, we don't plan our schedule around the updates for your story, we hardly notice unless it's on our alert list, and even then we don't stop what we're doing to read what you've written. (Coincidently, Would anyone like to ready my latest chapter to Lege Perfecti?! :D)

It will be far better for you to take more time, make sure that the writing is tight and fluid, and update on a looser schedule. I usually update on a monthly basis and my writing is better because of it.

To dissect your wrighting further, I'll analyze the first paragraph of your latest chapter, "Hanging by a Thread"

I watched as the last of the dark suited agents disappeared into thin air and shivered. Part of me wanted to be with Mikuru and Yuki, fighting those alien freaks and protecting Haruhi. But another part of me knew that I would be about as useful in that situation as my kid sister was when I was trying to do homework: in the way and annoying. Sighing, I walked out of the building and got on my bike, heading back home. The sun wouldn't even be up for almost an hour, and I had nothing to do until then. I rode my bike along, on the way home stopping at the shinto shrine Haruhi and I had visited earlier. Personally I had never been very religious, but I figured there was well, something after we died and I certainly hoped that Haruhi wasn't god.

This is too long, large paragraphs like this are tedious to read through, and most readers will only skim it, if that. (I am admittedly guiltily of this also.)

To best way to format this would be as follows.

"I watched as last of the dark suited agents disappeared into thin air and shivered.

Part of me wanted to be with Mikuru and Yuki, fighting those alien freaks and protecting Haruhi. But another part of me knew that I would be about as useful in that situation as my kid sister was when I was trying to do homework: in the way and annoying.

Sighing, I walked out of the building and got on my bike, heading home. The sun wouldn't even be up for almost an hour, and I had nothing to do until then.

I rode my bike along, on the way home stopping at the Shinto shrine Haruhi and I had visited earlier. Personally I had never been very religious, but I figured there was well, something after we died and I certainly hoped that Haruhi wasn't god."

To take it to a deeper level, I would pump more detail into what you're writing, as follows.

"Shivering, I watched as the last of the dark suited agents disappeared into thin air, the cold crisply removing the noise of their departure.

Part of me wanted to be with them, fighting those alien freaks and protecting Harui, but another part of me knew that I would be as useful as my baby sister during a study session: In the way, and annoying.

The sun wouldn't be up for about an hour, leaving me with nothing to do but contemplate the fate of the world. A time for religious intervention if ever there was one.

I stopped by the Shinto shrine from yesterday on my way home. Though I've never considered myself religious, I do believe in more to life than just existence.

And frankly, the thought of Haruhi being the source of everything is….terrifying."

(A little original flavor sprinkled in.)

Your primary writing flaw is description, and the proverbial law "Show, don't Tell."

In Kyon's first person narrative, it's understandable. Most people don't go into detail to describe the sunlight reflecting off a pool. However you've got not excuse for the third person narratives. You need to make the characters exist in more than a flow of action, we need to SEE what's going on. The battle field is perhaps the best example of this. What color is the sky, how large is the place, what kind of landscape is it in? These are all valid details that make your story more than just words on a page.

Dialogue wise, it's important to remember that taking is different than description, you can't just place it in a paragraph and expect it to flow easily. For me, I place individual's comments below each other, so a reader can easily follow the voices.

"What are you doing Silas?"

"Me? I'm just writing a review for a story."

"Really? You? Maybe it would be best if you got some other work done…"


The final, and perhaps most important part, is your characters. Specifically, what I assume are original characters.

My first Origional character was named Sseam, he was essentially the dude from Assassian's Creed, only he carried a bow, could turn invisible, had super strength, was able to beat up Superman, and could run faster than the speed of thought.

He was AWESOME.!

Now, let's go over your character of Davin. He has supernatural powers, he leads an army of supernatural warriors, they posses remarkable skill at killing supernatural monsters, and are essentially unstoppable.


It is completely normal to make your first characters nye to unstoppable juggernauts. But expect the reality to hit you over the head that a god is very hard to relate to. From the beginning of the story till now, the only ones that you've devoted any length of time to truly fleshing out are Davin and his genie butler. And of those two, you've given the genie more exposition. Worse, your merry band of barbarians could be stripped down to Davin alone, and the audience wouldn't miss anything. They are flat characters, lacking any true motivation and could be worn down to mere descriptions.

I'm sorry. I know that this is extremely disrespectful, and I also know the amount of time you've put in this. But I believe that you truly want to tell the best possible story, so I tell you this in the hope that it proves useful in your growth as an author.

As a final note, I would suggest getting several betas, lord knows I need them, and select them for specific tasks. (One focus on story, one on dialogue, one on description, etc)

They will provide you with a team that can usually do an excellent job at apprising your strengths and weaknesses.

For my personal preference, I'd like feedback concerning "Lege Perfectie", preferably the last two chapters.

Thanks, -Silas.

2/25/2011 #335

Just incase I am late with this, it is for Silas Goodwill's Lege Perfectie.

I am completely unfamiliar with your fandom, so I am just going to go over some of the major mistakes I noticed. Over all though, your writing doesn't really leave much to be desired. At least in your last chapter. I don't want to comment on the entire story as, again, I don't know what I'm talking about. :p When I beta something that's unfamiliar I only go for the technical aspects and nothing more. Comments/corrections are under each quote block.

Six stained glass windows admitted the euphoric sunshine, colorizing it with caricatures of the heavens and the stars within. Caricatures that were works of exquisite beauty, glittering so brightly that one who stared at them long enough would be memorized into total ignorance by the sight.

This could be tightened up a bit I think, although leaving it intact would be fine too. If I were to restructure, I would do it like this:

Six stained glass windows admitted the euphoric sunshine, colorizing it with caricatures of the heavens and stars; caricatures glittering so brightly in their esquisite beauty that, if stared at long enough, could easily mesmerize one into complete ignorance.

General Guy hurried up beside him, stopping at a position of attention and crying. "Yes Si-" a sharp blow from the blue shy guy cut him off. "It is sir?"

The flow of this is a little strange, imo. It really should read: General Guy hurried up beside him, stopped at a position of attention and cried, "Yes Si-" A sharp blow from a the blue shy guy cut him off. "It is Sir?"

"Thank you for the information. Return to your squad," said Junior.

This is merely a suggestion, and I always feel like I am too judgemental when I do it, but I believe you could do without the dialogue tag here. I know it's easier said than done, but once you get the hang of it, it actually becomes second nature.

"That sentiment is brave, Captain. But you've been ordered to escort the prisoners."

This should be all one sentence. Just replace the period with a comma between 'Captain' and 'But' and you're good to go. :)

Frowning, Vanguard nodded and has his troop march to the massive airship, Junior watching him go.

Nothing much for the above, and I suspect it may be a typo, but change 'has' to had. As it is the tense of off.

The banister was liquorish red,...

The propper spelling is either 'liquorice' or 'licorice' I verified this via dictionary and didn't see the version you have, although I doubt anyone will really notice. Now, about the dragon mural:

Here was the dragon, knocked from the top of a flying castle.

Here was the dragon, tossed into a pit of burning fire.

Here was the dragon, crushed beneath the boots of the red figure

Here was the dragon, cut, burned, boiled, drowned, shredded, banished, and plagued.

Here was the dragon, kidnapping the princess, yet again.

I think you could have clarified a bit. The way this reads, it makes me think of someone giving a presentation and using a pointer of some kind. Now, that is easy for me to imagine, but others might not be able to. Also, I believe you could have done without writing this as it seems to be rather extraneous, however, others may disagree so take that with a grain of salt.

A scream like death tore the air,...

Nitpicking again. Try using 'a death-like scream' instead.

...the immediate affect...

The word should be effect, not affect. Dictionary.com is a good (not great though) place to go if you're ever in doubt and need a quick reference.

I'm not really sure what else I can add. I don't want to go through this line by line via a forum post, especially since this site tends to log me out causing me to lose everything I've written. -_-

Okay, so if you're up to it, I'd like feedback on my ongoing fanfic titled Iridescent. I've agonized over it even before posting chapter one back in September, and I am aware that some of it is a little on the wordy side. I find describing settings and simultaneous movement between two people troublesome. (Don't worry, it's nothing explicit.) An outsider's opinion would be much appreciated, though not necessary if you're not comfortable with romance. =)

3/9/2011 #336

*jumps into the game without warning*

My review for StormyMonday's Iridescent fanfiction:


Well, I confess myself totally unfamiliar with Gundam and any of its following sequels and prequels, but I AM familiar with anime...

Nevertheless, I went in blind and came out very pleased after two chapters. From the start, your story drew me in. I easily envisioned the barroom scene you depicted with three old men and one young one playing cards and losing sorely. Their conversation was easy and very believable, and so like the usual scenes you see in anime!

Your writing is VERY good. Trust me, it is. But my only gripe is that your writing suffers from lack of proofreading. I know that after bashing out 7-10 MS Word/Open Office pages, it's pretty hard to re-read your chapter ESPECIALLY when you want to post it right away! But you should do it. It saves heartaches and headaches when you finally DO reread, and notice the minor errors that glare at you and your readers.

I liked Neil. His cool, experienced but cautious persona was refreshing. I'm not a big fan of the 'shoot first, ask questions later' type, and Neil's actions in the barroom was very satisfying. Scarlet's reactions were also characteristic of a woman in danger and fright. But it's a shame that Neil didn't make good on his threat to Hyde lol. The b*** deserved it!

I especially enjoyed Scarlet and Neil's interactions. They were realistic, and chuckle-worthy in certain parts. I completely understood her reluctance to be alone-and his as well-but their decision not to carry things further after such a short meeting, especially with all sorts of things going on in their lives.

(However, coming to the end of chapter two, I got slightly confused. It seemed like you switched POV's between the two characters but there was no warning. Maybe some employment of line breaks are in order?)

So, give yourself some kudos. Although, as aforementioned, I am unfamiliar with the Gundam series, I enjoyed your characterisations thus far. Also, I went and Google-imaged Neil, and boy, what a hottie! (as that teen said in chapter three). Thanks for posting, and I do hope your story receives more love as it deserves!

Addendum: When I meant 'proofreading', it was to say that I noticed a few askew commas, its/it's confusion and punctuation mistakes. Personally, I'm not a punctuation Nazi, but I just noticed them, and thought you might want a heads up...

StormyMonday, I hope my review was satisfactory. Forum admin, I hope that I have adhered to this particular post's rules concerning review etiquette.

So, yes. If anyone's up to it, I would appreciate an insightful and critical review on any chapter of my story Holier Than Thou. It's an ongoing Harry Potter piece with only three chapters up so far, and should be a quick read for anyone who's inclined to do so. Also, it's Romance with a teaspoon of Humour, and a drizzle of Drama. Constructive criticism shall be warmly met with hot cocoa and freshly baked coconut buns (if it isn't allergic). :D

3/24/2011 . Edited 3/24/2011 #337

Okay, first of all, I hate (generally speaking) what religion does to people, so already I'm probably not going to like your fic. But, I am one of those people who can appreciate skill in spite of a difference of opinion, so I'll go ahead and review your fic.

Also...religion and science have been well-regarded as mutually exclusive pursuits. I mean, religion has always been threatened by science and those who really follow science haven't really felt a need for religion. In fact, most who are REALLY into science think religion is hogwash and just a security blanket for the ignorant and unenlightened. I, myself, have never really seen the need for it and Hermione strikes me as the kind of person to not put faith in something that can't be proven. I mean, you remember how she reacted to Loony Lovegood's Quibbler fetish. I mean, Hermione had only just found out elves and wizards are real, yet she thinks Nargles are a hallucination or something. In my opinion, she's the last person to hop on the God wagon, let alone tout it for all to see.

/...many changes had occurred both individually and societal./

I believe that's 'societally'.

/Draco Malfoy was engaged to be married./

Why is Draco's name in italics?

I think you carried the epilogue-to-the-series a little far. Naming a few would make sense so you could segue to Hermione, but after the first two or three I started to forget where you were going with that. I think you should choose the three strangest and nix the others until later. At the very least until you introduce them in your story.

/oh my…was it He-Must-Not-Be-Named's fault?"/


/...relinquishing her establishment so she (Hermione).../

You're really better off nixing she entirely and just putting Hermione.

/...a class which the students were outsourced to Hermione's church and would learn about Christianity./

That seems pretty stupid. As well as religiously intolerant and vile. Although if Hermione ever converted, I could totally see her steamrolling over anyone else's religion.

/Therefore, one could now understand Kingsley Shacklebolt's reaction./

And now I feel disappointed. All of that background just for that? I think you can do better tying it back in with the here and now. Like "Remembering all of this, he knew what was coming, he knew he would not like it..." or something like that. Although the rest of that sentence could be better too. Like 'he knew he would suffer horribly if he stayed, but worse if he tried to escape' or something like that. If she's a terror, write about her like she's a terror. If she's an insignificant thorn in someone's side, then this is perfect, albeit boring.

/She suddenly affected a worried look.../

Hey! You know how to use that word correctly! Dang...so many times I see 'effected' instead or affected where effected should be. It's nice to finally see it used right.

/"I wish for you to release those unsaved souls from Azkaban and allow me to tutor and guide them onto the rightful path of Christianity."/


Okay, I can't say that I particularly liked this fic, but it wasn't that hard to get through. You have an excellent command of the English language in both punctuation and grammar. I notice you could do will a little more familiarity with the thesaurus, but mostly because I noticed some places where you used common verbs that would be so much better served with the less common. Ignoring the fact that Hermione is decidedly unreligious, you displayed her character very accurately, as well as people's reactions to her character. I haven't a clue what any of that Postulancy stuff or anything was, but the in-depth bragging was certianly very Hermione-ish. It would've seemed more natural if this was from her POV though.

Nice work, but I'm never reading this again.

I'd like another review for The Price of Love, but if it doesn't sound interesting, any of my last eight works will do.

The Price of Love

Every relationship comes at a price, but what is happiness really worth? Can you really justify the price you pay?

Romance/Angst (I think)

Teen Titans Cartoon fandom

3/24/2011 #338
The Lauderdale

I've read this story a couple of times now, and I've also looked at what you've said elsewhere (at Writers Anonymous.) So here are my thoughts:

My biggest reservation about this story is that it doesn't feel fandom-specific or character-specific. The scenario feels ubiquitous, and there is little that makes it specific to these two characters: two young men in a same sex relationship, one who wants to be more out and the other who doesn't. I don't know the original show, so maybe I'm not on firm ground when I say it: maybe another fan, reading this, would be nodding and saying, yes, this is exactly who these two are...but what about this story makes it especially "Teen Titans"? What makes these characters especially whoever they are supposed to be? (evidently D*** (Robin?) and Garth, or Aqualad.) Perhaps the closest we come to a character identifier is D***'s bitter assessment of law enforcement, the area in which he works, because that feels like something concrete about the character and, presumably, the milieu he inhabits.

(BTW, when he says "law enforcement," am I to understand this as regular law enforcement, or superhero stuff? Depending on what *kind* of law enforcement, I can envision some situation-specific problems. If you are curious, Perry Moore wrote a take on a gay teenage superhero in the young adult novel "Hero," which was fairly well received, though it had its own issues.)

Your mechanics are clean, your pacing is good, your dialogue feels natural, and it is easy to sympathize with the two characters and their situation. The scene feels rather isolated and more specifics about the characters would help that. Perhaps concrete references to people they know, actual experiences they have shared...maybe D*** can remind Garth or think back in his own mind to a specific instance when Garth was not forthcoming about their relationship in the company of mutual friends). Even some physical identifiers could be helpful. (What does Garth actually look like to D***? Does D*** have some favorite aspect of him? "That cute embarassed smile of his" was a nice example, but I wanted more.)

You mentioned that this was written for the Comfort Zone challenge, so I checked that thread at WA and found some specific questions you had.

"If anyone here is gay or knows something about gay people, please let me know how I did on accurately portraying the problems a gay person might face when considering outing him/herself."

Coming out of the closet isn't something that happens once and is done forever. It is a continuing business: you will ALWAYS meet people who don't know your orientation and assume you are straight by default. There are people who you will be out to and people that you won't be. D*** makes this differentiation himself: wanting Garth to to tell his friends, not wanting to tell his own coworkers.

"Let me know how I did on the romance. I know how to angst, even though I'm not a fan of it, but romance is very new to me."

I think more character specifics like I mentioned earlier will make both the characters and their relationship feel more developed. I do think that this is a fairly significant stresser in their relationship (which is, granted, a young one) and that if D*** is at the point where he is demanding an openness of Garth that he isn't willing to exhibit himself...there's going to be resentment, which I don't particularly see here. A question for you, and this is not necessarily a suggestion for you to put this in your story, more of a thought exercise as the author: if Garth were to hear this question out loud, "How much [is] our love worth to me?" how would he react? Shocked? Dismayed? Sad? Hurt? Angry? Would his reaction be to get closer to D*** or to pull away?

"I have never actually had Steak Au Poivre and honestly, I just kind of picked it randomly out of a cookbook myself. My description of it is entirely guesswork from the directions. If anyone sees anything at all out of place about the description, let me know."

No idea whatsoever. I liked what you wrote for it, though. It felt convincing enough - I never thought that it wasn't something you didn't know from firsthand, so there's a compliment for you!


I would like a review for Orcs In Hobbiton:

AU. Two years after Sauron won the war, his Orcs come to a Shire under Saruman's dominion. The hobbits who dwell there are caught in the middle. Told in drabbles & drabble-increments.

There are disturbing themes in this story, as it involves an ongoing Occupation and the kind of subject matter that entails. It is currently rated T, so among other things, I would like input as to whether that is suitable or it needs to be upped.

3/27/2011 . Edited 3/27/2011 #339

My review for "Orcs In Hobbiton":

This is aimed at the whole series and my main impression of it as a whole, though I might go more in detail on some of the individual parts.

First off I will say that you write very well. There is an atmosphere in these drabbles and vignettes that is difficult to nail down, but it is created by the way you use the language, and it is part of what makes these parts feel like one work, that bind them together. It is a mixture of sadness and despair, combined with an underlying will to live on despite the harshness, and this feeling - for lack of a better word - is very strong throughout.

It also is quite heartbreaking, but never sappy. Brittle, is perhaps the best description I can give it.

Some of the themes are quite grim, but you handle them delicately and by understatement, as well as showing understanding in the handling of them. Since most is told by implication and behind the scenes, leaving the reader to fill in the gaps, I am not sure whether the rating is high enough or not. Precisely because these grim themes are told in such an implicit way, they are there in all the things you do not tell. And to me that makes it stronger, and more painful to read than if you have been more explicit. I am therefore tempted to say that the themes are so dark that they would merit a 'M' rating. But you don't show the really bad things.

The first drabble sets the scene quite nicely, though the short space don't really give you that much time to develop anything. To me the transition from Norgush waves the man over, and to he breaks his neck, did not quite work. My feeling was that it was too much, and not enough. It happens too fast, and is told in a surprisingly mellow tone of voice, so that the kill does not really have much of an impression. It does not have to, but judging from the silence you describe as following it, I think you intended it to be shocking.

I would say that if you put something more before the kill to let us see the orc and the man, that would be good. At least that is what I would have done. Working with the restrictions of a drabble does make this difficult, and you might see other solutions that would be better, but this is a point I would advice that you looked at. As it is, I - as a reader - am indifferent to the man dying, and that also takes some of the impact from Norgush's final statement.

The third part is very, very good. I think it was here I really got into the story. Bolger is a good choice of character, I think, and you managed to make him appear both confused and give him this strange indifference that is not really indifference as mush as that he has sort of given up. It don't seem to matter that much to him that he is freed, because is not the freedom he dreamed of, and it does not change all that much.

The fourth part is really creepy. The snatches of dialogue that make up most of the chapter are probably what makes it so creepy. You leave us to fill the gaps and guess at the things not told, and you managed to make it work so that we can fill those gaps, and it paints a picture to make us shudder.

"Our Lily" takes the story to a different direction. It is lighter, in its grimness, but you do leave me wondering about why Gershit helps the old grandmother. That is not really clear, and I am left unsure as to whether Gershit is an orc, or a collaborator (man or hobbit).

The last chapter does give a little light into this dark world you have created, and that eases it all a little. The tone is lighter her, too, and ending with this makes the series a little easier to bear.

If I was to say one thing to the series as whole, then I would say that, though I like the similarity in tone that I commented on in the beginning, it does get a bit repetitive, on the border of making the series seem monotone. They do not read as well in one go, as with some time between the different parts. I cannot really offer any advice on when to do with this, and you might not even consider it a bad thing, but that is what strikes me.

But for the most part, as you can see, I think this is a very well written series, well worth reading, even thought it is very dark.

I would like a review of "Where the Grass Grows Green", preferably for the last chapter "Things Fall Apart"

edit: I have updated, so while I still would like a review for chap. 7 (Things Fall Apart), I would not mind one for chap. 8 instead (True Colours)

4/17/2011 . Edited 4/29/2011 #340

I've never been wonderful at critiques, but I read it extra carefully. Here goes:

My review for Where The Grass Grows Green Chapter 7:

Now, I don't know much at all about LotR, and when a challenge asks you to read and review a fanfiction about a fandom you don't know well, there's always a risk that your concrit will be aimed at something that is fandom-specific and not the fault of the author. I felt the need to warn against that before I get into the review.

But besides the fact that I don't know these characters, the characterization in this fic is great. The way you wrote the characters really allowed me to get a feel for what they were like. I managed to understand the social hierarchy in this series, and what the places of each character were.

But on the note of social hierarchy, I have one question: Aduiar is the mayor of Calembel. I never really thought that mayors were the most powerful political leaders, especially one that you describe as being "such an insignificant town." But Aduiar seems to be in charge of an entire anti-rebellion military operation. And Gwidor seems rather intimidated by him, as well. The description of his desk and his position at the very beginning (a wonderful and very interesting way to begin a chapter, I must add) gave him a kind of regal air, which made his apparent power less jarring, but I still wanted to bring it up.

I am embarrassed to admit that to save time, I only read the chapter you asked for a review for. I can't say I speak for everyone when I say this, but I find that while long chapters in a print book are fine, it's much harder for me to maintain attention while I'm reading a long chapter on a computer screen, and so I tend to be put off if the scroll bar on the side of my screen is very short. This length seems to be what you're used to writing, so I'm not saying you have to change it.

The grammar is good throughout, but I did catch one minor mistake:

"Neither of us has spoken since we entered this room," he continued, "and nothing in this room invite mirth..."

There's some noun/verb disagreement there. It should say *invites.

Otherwise, this was a fantastically written chapter. Are you *sure* English isn't your first language?

Could the next poster please review: Happy Tree Estates: Chapter 3 "Mother Makes Three." Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6955100/3/Happy_Tree_Estates

I would appreciate it if you could review the whole story up to this point, but if you can only do one chapter, I would prefer it to be Chapter 3.

5/21/2011 . Edited 5/21/2011 #341
Avora SaDiablo

My Review for Number1PixarFan's Happy Tree Estates

I'm not overly familiar with Happy Tree Friends, so I'll review your style :)

You've presented yourself well, and in such a way that is easy to follow. Its a little morbid, but from what I know about Happy Tree Friends thats normal. I think you need to expand a little on your dialog (Its a pain to do I know) with a few more adjectives.

Aside from that I think its alright :D

As it was short i reviewed the first chapter also.

Lol, Ok, this makes a lot more sense reading it from the start.

As stated before, its not a fandom I'm familiar with.

From what I've read in your a/n, I would say you have achieved your goal for the most part, however there were a few things I noted. I felt that the characters introductions were a little rushed and crowded. It was difficult to get a feel for the characters, with the discriptions being a littel slender. Grammer and spelling was all fine. I loved the showing of the happy tree friends on the TV, I found that image quite entertaining. As meantioned, I did try and cheat, just reviewing the chapter you asked, but I wanted to give you a bit more than what i had already mentioned. Same as before though, i think you need to be a little more generous with your discriptions. Beyond that keep them coming :)

Could the next poster please review http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7014697/1/Sink_or_Swim, Its a Harry Potter fanfic. Any chapter will do

5/26/2011 #342

My Review for "Sink or Swim," Chapter 1.

I must say that one thing I often found hard to swallow in the Harry Potter books was the fundamental premise that with zillions of magic-using humans (and other creatures) roaming around, the Muggles (the mundane world) remained totally oblivious to the existence of that magical culture in their midst after so many centuries. Even with all the modern scientific tools available for investigating mysterious events.

Perhaps you've had similar thoughts. At any rate, I can appreciate your desire to offer a "realistic" answer to the interesting question of: "What would a conscientious young medical examiner, along with police detectives trained in modern techniques, actually be able to learn in the aftermath of some of those mysterious (and fatal) events? What would they THINK was going on?"

And by and large, I'd say you were making a decent start on that in this opening chapter. I can feel sympathy for Eliza when she experiences stress from various sources -- such as her family on the one hand, and the frustration of inexplicable deaths and other oddities she is encountering in her professional life.

Now for a question that occurred to me: Is this happening in the United Kingdom?

I know that's where Arabella Figg lived (as well as that suspicious 'juvenile delinquent,' Harry Potter). But some of your terminology in this opening chapter makes me keep envisioning this case as occuring in a city in the USA.

For instance, there's reference to "the Captain." Evidently a senior police officer who doesn't like mysterious deaths happening on his turf. (Perfectly understandable!) From what I've read over the years, United Kingdom police forces they don't commonly use the rank of "captain." Above the rank of "Sergeant" in the UK, the next three standard ranks are "Inspector," "Chief Inspector," and "Superintendent."

In many parts of the USA -- the NYPD, for instance -- the next three ranks above "Sergeant" are "Lieutenant," "Captain," and "Deputy Inspector."

(Granted, I'm no expert on the details of every police force that exists on British soil. But I've read a lot of novels dealing with British cops, and I don't recall the last time I saw a British detective calling a superior officer "Captain.")

Beyond that, I'll mention a few things that struck me as "rough spots" in one paragraph near the start of the story.

* "I'm fifteen years old - for crying out loud - Troy will be home when the suns up – I'm sure I'll be fine for the next few hours." She scoffed irritably, not bothering to come through. *

I would clarify who is speaking that line of dialogue. The subject of the previous paragraph had been another "she" (Eliza). In context, it makes sense that person answering Eliza's question from the previous paragraph is probably her sister Maddie, but I'd still rephrase things to make certain the reader knows who the focus is on by the time we are told that "she scoffed."

I'm unclear on what the last clause of that sentence means: "Not bothering to come through."That sounds as if Eliza expected, or at least hoped, her sister would take the trouble to come through something. Come through what?

Did Eliza expect Maddie to get up and walk out of the room "through a doorway" in order to speak to Eliza face-to-face in the middle of an old horror movie? (If so, then I think Eliza was being unrealistic, but I'm far from sure of what you meant.)

I also saw two problems with the punctuation. It should be "sun's up" ("sun's" as a contraction for "sun is"), and there should be a comma right after "next few hours" instead of a period -- because that line of spoken dialogue is immediately followed by a speech tag ("she scoffed") which is essentially continuing the same sentence for our purposes, part of the sentence being spoken dialogue and the rest being narrative text.

So if I were editing that line, I might render it this way:

"I'm fifteen years old - for crying out loud - Troy will be home when the sun's up – I'm sure I'll be fine for the next few hours," she scoffed irritably.

(I deleted the "not bothering to come through" part because of my uncertainty about what you were trying to say in that clause. You may well want to revise that last clause and then put the improved version back where it was before.)

Now I'll just ask for a review on a one-shot I posted a few months ago. The Opening Night Review.

The general idea is this is set in the future of the DC Animated Universe; maybe fifteen years after the ending of the Justice League Unlimited series. The two teenage girls featured in the story are Original Characters; twin daughters of a future marriage between Batman and Wonder Woman. You don't need to be extremely familiar with the JLU series or any other TV series, however. The plot should make sense to anyone who has at least a rudimentary knowledge of who "Batman" and "Wonder Woman" are supposed to be.

5/27/2011 #343
Hamfast Gamgee

Reviewed The Opening night review.

A well-written tale, I can't find any faults with spelling or grammer so I will concentrate on the plot. I don't know Justice League, but I have seen various versions of Batman though there are now so many it is a bit difficult to work out which version of cannon is which at times! So Batman and Wonder Women married and have two daughters do they? Interesting idea! Is it yours or canon? I wonder if Robin has any children and they can be romantic? No, bad idea possibly :)

I will be honest and say that I liked the first part and the last part best. I did like the quietness of the first chapter and the banter between the men of the last one. But I'm afraid I do find reading fight scenes sometimes a bit dull. One of the reasons is that I nearly always know who is going to win, its the main protagonist. Like what one of your villains said it's no disgrace to loose to Batman everyone has so why can't we hear about a fight from their point of view? You could do that perhaps!

Mind, if those two sisters are as powerful as they look like they are going to be, the villains needen't worry about been teased to losing to a couple of girls. I doubt if they will be the first. Will you be writing more about them it could well make interesting reading! Anyway an enjoyable read and good luck in future writing, Ham.

I hope that is long enough! Could the next person please review any chapter of my Star Wars AU epic


Thanks, Ham

6/5/2011 . Edited 6/5/2011 #344

Reviewed Journey trough the Stars.

Hi! I saw your request at the Writers Anonymous forum. The story has potential, but it needs some polishing, of both form and style.

First of all, you should really find a Beta. Someone who will help you with commas, typos, and formating. Dialouge inside paragraphs makes things messy and difficult to follow. Good and strict but patient Beta can do miracles for your fiction (speaking from my own experience here, I'm not English native speaker so I tend to make a lot of errors as well).

Try to avoid repetitive words in phrases. E.g. in the third paragraph in the first chapter. You don't need "Jack" in the second sentence, because it's clear it is him. It is not necessary to say that the cafe was small, next to the small market - it disrupts the flow; similarly, "due to the fact" is also redundant, you made your point quite clear. So, personally, I would change it like this:

The man was called Jack, Jack Sandcleaver. With a smile he negotiated the sliding doors that opened with an electronic sizz and proceeded inside the large, plastic, airy building and bought his weekly shopping. But shopping can be tiring work and a nice little cafe was open next to the market.

'So, how about a nice coffee to refresh myself!' Jack thought and sat down into a nice comfortable seat and thirstily supped upon the drink. Oddly enough, the only ingredient that was missing was water itself. Tatooine being a desert world meant it was very short on water; in fact, it was one of the rarest substances on the planet and therefore expensive. The drink had a water substitute – a liquid from a common desert herb. This didn't distract him from enjoying the drink.

Hope this helps. :)

I'd like someone to review my story http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7090320/1/Iced_Sugar_Cookie ... or any other you'd prefer. All of them are from Dragon Age universe.

6/6/2011 . Edited 6/23/2011 #345

Reviewed Iced Sugar Cookie.

Hello, there. I'm from the WA forums offering you some critique on your work.

Overall a nice, sentimental fic. You've done a good job shining light on Zevran's loyalty, particularly when focusing on Airam's doubts to as whether or not Zev would stay with him.

I think the biggest problem I could find was the lack of attributions to the dialog. It got a bit confusing trying to figure out who was speaking, and I had to go back and reread some lines before I could piece it together. I know lots of writers out there advise others to not use "said" after quotes, but I think that rule should only apply if it's overused. Using it here and there helps the reader follow the dialog without getting frustrated or lost.

Aside from that, I have a tip to share that I learned a few years back. Try to avoid "was," "were," and "had". I had a writing professor who loved to circle those three words and scribble "lazy writing" in the margins when grading papers. There's always a better, more descriptive way to explain what's going on rather than relying on a crutch like "was".

Hope that helps you.

I'd like a review of Chapter 17 of my story Broken Shield.

8/7/2011 #346
Kronos - KR15

Reviewed Chapter 17 of Broken Shield.

Good evening/morning/afternoon/midmorning; I am Kronos-KR15, a compatriot of yours, native born and raised here on FanFiction.net. My duality core caters to two functions, one of which involves my penning up a review of this marvelous piece of literature I stumbled upon in my blind search for inspiring work. Here, in the most unassuming recesses of the outer ring, I discovered you. Your work is bloody brilliant.

I never expected such dramatics and deep-seeded emotional ties could ever be attributed to something out of the folds of the Disney Corporation, but I suppose that given the proper talent, i.e., you, feats as great as this are possible. To say that I was enthralled by this tale would be an understatement, to say I was riveted too gentle and an utter lie. I was fixed to my screen. It nearly pained me for the chapter to end, and like plucking a spike from my sternum, I struggled to wrench away. On a scale of one to ten, I have no choice but to give it a 20. :D

Now my dear friend, it is time to switch to my secondary function, carrying out my constructive criticism directive. I am rather inexperienced in the field of conscrit, and the areas of grammar, punctuation, and spelling are not things I abide by myself, or even pay heed to. The only error that really caught mine eyes happened to be in this sentence:

Grabbing a tuft of fur, Woody hanged on for dear life as the rabbit bolted clear out off the compromised campus and made a break for the highway under the veil of night.

The errors I noted were as follows: hanged should be replaced by hung, and of in place of off. Other than those miniscule things, I was captivated. Please, do not ever cease writing. I loved every minute of it, and it would be quite the saddening thing to lose another great writer like yourself.

Keep in touch,

~Kronos – KR15

I would very much enjoy a review of my brief tale, In a House, In a Heartbeat, showing here.


Thanks in advance,

~Kronos - KR15

8/8/2011 #347

Review of: In a House, In a Heartbeat

I don't know this category so I am reviewing it as a generic undead story.

It's a reasonably well-written story and I think would keep absorbed most readers of this genre. It's a fairly simple, straightforward tale and it's main interest is in its action and the excitement of battling with undead. To be a great story it would need a more complex plot but I see this is just Part 1 so this is a good enough start to set the scene. Not much more I can say about the story itself. What you see is what you get: two guys fighting undead and trying to escape the area. That's fine.

Technically spelling, grammar etc. are acceptable depending on what level you are aiming at. There are actually quite a lot of what should be cleaned up if this were for professional publication but as a fanfic they don't really make much difference to the average reader so can be regarded as trivia. I'm not going to describe them in detail but since I jotted them down as I read through I'll just list my raw notes below. Disregard them as all trivia if you want but post again if anything needs clarifying. My stuff in square brackets; rest is quoted.

[At start reader is leading a group but this is not immediately clear. It's technically probably correct it just reads confusingly.]

They were not zombies, thank goodness, but he knew they would be hot on their[his?] heels soon.

by the fog, is [his?] stomach turned

darted down the alleyway to this [his?] left

he scrambled up and over a garden fence, the clinging ivy offering him no respite. [respite?]

snatched up a wingchair from the corner of the foyer on his way. He took great pains to quiet his footsteps, and once he reached the front door he unceremoniously jammed the handle using the wobbly chair. [did not say it was 'wobbly' before]

Monty had slept surprisingly well, although he woke with heavy eyes. It was warm [what the dinner or the weather or his eyes or what?] as he dared to glance at his would-be dinner, burnt no less.

"Hey!" Monty shouted to the stranger, [. The] the tall man seemed startled, yet frozen in place. He [Monty] sprinted towards him, trying [intending] to warn him of the impending danger.

Monty lunged at the stranger, knocking him to the floor and out of the range [trajectory, flight?] of the pouncing hunter;

[this next sequence starts abruptly and it was only later I realized it describes the stranger in the previous sequence leading back to the same situation from another's viewpoint. This was confusing.] Harold was lost; he honestly didn't know how it had happened...

This place was abandoned. He knew of [Despite] his low status in the organization, [but to] not be told of a change would have been [would be] outrageous.

but he had to make due, [do]

we will sleep in the loft, it's the safest place despite our modest defenses. [modest is a negative here so using 'despite' does not make sense. Remove 'modest' or rewrite.]

alerting every zombie in the area of what was amok. [happening, occuring]

The loud noise of a discharging rifle echoed through the nearby streets, [is this another rifle? No. Again this is jumping to another's viewpoint of what has already been related. Confusing.]

Slowly at first, but when a second blast rang in their eyes [ears] they began sprinting,

[who is 'they'?] It wouldn't take long for them to arrive at the source of the struggle, and their [the] little shelter [of the two men] was soon to be filled with a gang of zombies, led by a tank.

threw him back into the house, filled with Deja vu [this should be low case but is the wrong word here anyway and also wrongly placed in the sentence as it almost seems like the house is filled with deja vu.]

The brass fell to the floor with a light ringing sound, still warm from its recent firing. He grimaced as their stifled groans and shrieks carried to his ears. [whose groans?]

[Harold seems to repeatedly go to the loft!] [Harold] followed him up the creaking stairs and to the loft. He [Harold] casually entered to loft, ['to' = 'the' but also it was implied he had already entered the loft a few sentences earlier.] Harold made his way up to the loft. [Will he ever get into this bloody loft? ;)] Monty said as Harold got up to the loft [is he now in the loft? Please God let him be in the loft this time! :)]

Zombies, Tanks, Smokers - [varied first case. I suspect they should all be low case; zombies normally would be.]

he hadn't even handled a gun before, let alone fire [fired] one...

took aim at the beasts [beast's] head

leaving an empty caved out shell of a body fall limp [to fall limply?] to the floor.#

the tank went spinning off the barrel of the rifle, and slammed into the cars side. The tank detonated, and then the whole car. [a 'tank' (ammo) used against a 'Tank' was confusing.]

blood and p*** [pus]

took Harold' [Harold's] bag

The bullet [?] took it directly in the chest, hurling it a full two feet

OK, hope the above helps a bit.


Now for my Harry Potter effort: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7261162/1/Dark_Sacrifice

I uploaded my whole 50+ chapters in one go. Only later did I find this does not keep it well aired like one chapter at a time would. So what I'm seeing in the stats is that people are visiting chapter 1; half are proceeding to chapter 2; half of those to chapter 3. It then tails off to almost nothing. In fact many later chapters (ironically some of the best imo) are completely unvisited so nobody is reading my story at all let alone reviewing it.

What I need is someone just to review the first two or three or four chapters and say if they think it is too routine, boring, uninteresting to continue. Don't force it. If you get bored by chapter two then give it up! ;) Chapters are very short (average 1000 words) so it should not be too difficult.

Thanks for any feedback.

8/17/2011 #348
White Eyebrow

Man, I have been gone too long.

White Eyebrow's review of Dark Sacrifice:

Hey there, I saw your review request in the forums and thought I'd give you my two cents. I'm going to forego my usual review format because what I think you're really asking is, why is nobody reading my story?

Welcome to fanfiction where, as in life, it rains on the just and the unjust. You're going to see mediocre stories with 500 reviews and truly outstanding works with only a pittance. The reason for this is twofold: the first being that the author with 500 reviews probably does a lot of networking and, therefore, has a lot of buddies to up his review count; the second reason is because you're writing in a fandom with over half a million works—the odds are against you. In the case of the former, if you look at the quality of the reviews, would you rather have 500 "OMG! write moar" comments or one solid well thought out review.

Now, there are those that are going to say, I don't write for reviews, because my story is its own reward. There's nothing wrong with that attitude, but I'm a little more shallow than those types. I like reviews. Reviews are edifying. I don't let them define my work, of course, but they are important because they let you know that you're doing something right (or wrong.) As a result, I feel your pain, because my story hit to review ratio is a lot like yours. It makes you wonder if people just don't like what you've written. The lesson here is, if you're going to be a writer you have to develop a thick skin.

Here is some advice that I do offer. Please take it with a grain of salt.

Your first reviewer gave you good advice: your story has a plot that moves along and is engaging (if you stick with it.) The rest is indeed "details"... but, details are IMPORTANT! Details are the petrol of your story; they're your hook. What your characters do between the plot points are what keeps the reader clicking that "next page" button. Now, your story starts out pretty interesting, but it didn't quite hook me. It wasn't until several chapters in that you found your groove. So, while this was a well written piece, if this were any other day, where I was just casually browsing for something to read, I probably would've clicked out of it before it caught me.

So, the gist of it is, you gotta hook the reader in early. It doesn't matter how brilliant your plot twist is in chapter 25 if nobody bothers to get there.

Don't take this to mean that I'm telling you to change anything. You have a fine story here and I encourage you to keep writing. I'm just giving you food for thought moving forward.

Hope I've helped. I'm going to stop rambling now.

Please review my George Weasley one shot written for Father's Day titled, Iambic Pentameter

Don't worry it's short, and no, it's not really written in iambic pentameter (well there may be a few lines in iambic pentamter, but I digress.)

8/27/2011 #349
Hamaru Namikaze

Review of Iambic Pentamter:

Saw your review request in the forum and read your story so I'll give it a go. I think that what you have written really flows nicely together, especially at the end where it starts to do all the rhymes. The plot imo also worked really well with the iambic pentameters that you placed in your story. Grammer wise the story looked pretty well written. I did notice one small spelling mistake and that was that you spelled 'note' as 'rote'. It's really good and well written story.


I have this story that I have been working on and it has only 4 chapters so far. Please review my Naruto/Star Trek crossover. Any opinions like is it any good, interesting, grammer, and etc.

Here's my story - Akatsuki's New Agenda: The Romulan War http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6865188/1/Akatsukis_New_Agenda_The_Romulan_War

8/31/2011 . Edited 8/31/2011 #350
White Eyebrow

I did notice one small spelling mistake and that was that you spelled 'note' as 'rote'.

Seeing as how this is a learning thread, it should be noted that 'rote' is not a misspelling. To learn something 'by rote' means to commit it to memory via repetition.

8/31/2011 #351
Hamaru Namikaze

Seeing as how this is a learning thread, it should be noted that 'rote' is not a misspelling. To learn something 'by rote' means to commit it to memory via repetition.


8/31/2011 #352

Review of Akatsuki's New Agenda: The Romulan War -

Alright, critique time! Fortunately, I am a Naruto fan so I know of the Akatsuki, but my Star Trek knowledge is less than basic. However, I won't let that get in the way of the review.

The story is humourous and light-hearted, and the use of emoticon-Akatsuki's as line breakers is a good idea, but in more serious works you should refrain from doing this. The story is indeed very interesting, especially since you used the two contrasting worlds of Star Trek and Naruto in this fic.

One little gripe I have is probably the fact that you've put the whole story in a center format. I feel that you should use it sparingly and only for poetry, where less words are put in each line. I find that it's harder for me to read, but it may just be me. Also, be careful with "your", which you use to indicate that something belongs to you, and "you're", which is "you are".

Overall, this is a very fun kind of fic, where the plot possibilites are endless. This allows you to make full use of your imagination, and I find that the idea of writing unique crossovers is great. Keep at it and good luck!

Um, so I'd like a critique of my very first fic, please. It's a Hetalia fic called Inescapable Fate. It's quite short, with only 2 chapters currently. Thanks.

9/4/2011 . Edited 9/4/2011 #353

I've left reviews on both chapters of Inescapable Fate, so I'll separate them to avoid confusion.

Chapter 1:

Hello, there. Truthfully, up until now, I never knew that Hetalia: Axis Powers was actually a Japanese manga. Let's just get into it, then. I found the way you characterised Arthur rather commendable and endearing - his internal thought processes using British colloquialisms like 'wanker' and 'bloody' added on to the authenticity of it all. I'm also very pleased at the quality of language and descriptions used, because they showed quite a lot of variation and detail. My only issue with your descriptors is that you tended to constantly refer to Arthur as 'the Brit' or 'the British man', which seems rather unnecessary because readers aren't likely to forget any time soon that Arthur is British if you established that at the beginning of the chapter. There's a small tense error here: Luckily, both gangs have been affiliated for years. It should be written in past tense to be congruent with the rest of the fic, so 'had' should be used. Something else to take note of is that it isn't very advisable to write out the inner thoughts of a character too much, i.e. the italicised texts encapsulated by dialogue tags. It sort of works here because of the lack of dialogue, but keep in mind that overusing the technique smacks of telling rather than showing. Writing out their thoughts can allow you to describe much more about what the character is doing. For example: Huffing bitterly, Arthur flipped the page. 'That adds two to the suspect list.' Instead of writing it in this manner, it's somewhat more interesting to phrase it like this: Huffing bitterly, Arthur flipped the page, mentally adding two to his expanding list of suspects. The last scene was satisfyingly mysterious and chilling, I guess. Nothing much was revealed, which is a good way of setting up context for future chapters - now we have an idea of what the nameless man is like and how he'll operate around other people. Well, that's really all there is I have to say for this chapter.

Chapter 2:

Let's see, Chapter Two now. There's definitely a step-up in the degree and intensity of descriptions used in this chapter. I liked how you tried not to repeat adjectives unless if it was near-irreplaceable words like 'blond' because it made for a much more interesting read. It could have been better if identifiers were more unique to the different characters, because if there're too many blond people running around in your fic, readers may get lost despite your efforts to differentiate them. For example, you could refer consistently to Berwald as the giant and Arthur as the blond after describing how they look like and then latching on to a unique descriptor. Tense switching occurs on a few occasions within the fic, for example "But whatever it was, Berwald knew that he won't go back on his offer." and "But they haven't caught him at his 'shop' yet, and Berwald hoped it stayed that way." It can potentially throw readers off sometimes because it disrupts the time period in which the events described are taking place. It's something else to look out for when proofreading future chapters. I appreciate the precision in referring to the correct anatomical feature concerning eye colour, but it can get rather tiresome with overuse, like writing out thoughts. It isn't a bad thing to step down the sophisticated descriptors a little, especially when you find that they're being used multiple times. On the other hand, this chapter, like the previous one, had very few grammatical and spelling mistakes, so it allowed the fic to progress smoothly without the need to make corrections here and there. So, thanks for that! That's about it, so I'll just stop right here.

I'd appreciate a review on the first chapter of A Master's Lesson, thanks.

9/17/2011 #354

Review for the first chapter of A Master's Lesson.

As has been said, the last line of this chapter seemed more of an afterthought than anything else - the first line did well on its own from what I can see. I can see your aim, but the penultimate line did the job. Other than that, I have nothing but high praise for your work. The heart is there, which is what's important, but there is also the skill that brings it all together, which makes this story stand as tall as it does. The flow wasn't disrupted by the text, and nothing was in the other's way - a lot of harmony, which isn't that easy to achieve. Keep to that as you go along...success will follow. Flow is key, no matter how you achieve it. There's a lot of great control here and even better command over your writing. That's all I'll say, lest I start rambling on and waste your time. Good luck in all things.

Didn't get too wordy there. Talking out of the side of my head is the worst thing I could do for you in terms of constructive criticism. And if you have a problem with how I delivered the review, message me or let me know somehow, since I don't mind trying to improve in that area as well.

I'd like to ask for some commentary on Sonic and the Wrath of the Five Dragons if it can be done.

9/29/2011 #355

Too long since this tread has moved. And since I am procrastinating... Here is my review of Sonic and the Wrath of the Five Dragons.

Hi. You asked for a review at the Writers Anonymous forum in the review game there a while back. It has been a while, but I thought I would give a few words. I do not know the fandom so I can't comment on anything relating to that, but I will try to give some useful comments on your writing.

I have not read all the chapters, but I did look at more than the first one. The reason I did this, is that from the first chapter it looked like there was one thing I could see that you could benefit from working on. I wanted, however, to be sure that it was not just something in the first chapter, but from the random chapters I looked at, it does not look like it.

Your writing is generally good, I would say, and you have grasped dialogue quite well, I think. Perhaps too well even: the one thing that struck me, was that you depend almost entirely on dialogue in your story. Most of it are dialogue, and it is mostly through dialogue your story is being moved forward. While using dialogue this way is not bad as such, I feel like it is taking over.

I think it would benefit you to try to use other things in your story-telling in addition to dialogue. Descriptions, for instance, can also be used to tell a story. True, often a detailed description will halt the action, but it is also a different way of conveying emotion, or to tell something about the characters or the place. And it is one of the best ways to let us, your readers, really see the places for your stories. Use your words to draw us a picture. Let us see and hear and smell and taste and feel the fabric of the world that your story is set in. And let your characters do other things beside talking and fighting.

To take the siblings playing hide-and-seek. Instead of just a few sentences, of which only one really tells us what Chun is actually doing, let us see him search a bit more before his sister sneaks up on him. What does he see while searching? What are the smells and sounds in the bamboo-forest? The forest-floor: is it bare? Covered with leaves or twigs? Is the earth dry or moist? Etc. The answer of all these questions will help you to make the story vivid before our eyes, and make your writing better.

I am not saying you should randomly put in a lot of description where the story needs to move quickly forward, or that your characters should never speak. But right now you mostly have dialogue and the barest description of plot that you can get away with. Flesh out the story a bit more.

I think that is the best advice I can give you. Good luck on your further writings.


I'd like a review for one of the last chapters of Where the Grass Grows Green (AU for The Lord of the Rings-fandom). I tend to have quite long chapters, so I won't ask you to read the whole thing, it would take very long. Chapter 13 and 14 are the newest as of today.

Chapter 13: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5842754/13/Where_the_Grass_Grows_Green

Chapter 14: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5842754/14/Where_the_Grass_Grows_Green

(edit: I was not able to put in links, sorry)

11/29/2011 . Edited 11/29/2011 #356
Miss Shad

My review for "Where The Grass Grows Green":

I'm here from the Story Review Game on WA. This review is for both chapters 13 and 14.

While your characters seem well-handled, as is the storyline in general, it feels a little bit..."talky" at times. Not that your dialogue isn't good (because it is), but I feel a lack of descriptiveness in a few places and I think you should try to strike a good balance between the dialogue and the descriptions, as with a lack of description I had a hard time really becoming immersed in the story (though the fact that I'm unfamiliar with both the fandom and the rest of the story as a whole may have something to do with it)

I also spotted a few grammatical gaffes you may want to keep an eye on (such as "too many people was on the road" versus "too many people were on the road")

But overall, I still think you have done a fine job on this story and I sense a lot of good potential in it.

Now that I think about it my review seems a little cold, but I certainly didn't intend for it to be.

I would like a review for my story "Full Circle" http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6766732/1/Full_Circle

12/3/2011 . Edited 12/3/2011 #357

(AhadowTheHedgehog: I could not reply to the review itself since you have disabled MP's, but I wanted to thank you so I'll do it here. Hope none mind - I'll delete the post if so. But I am very grateful for the review and the feed-back. I have tried not to indulge in my love for descriptions, so it is good to hear that I should do it more. Thank you.)

12/4/2011 #358
Hamfast Gamgee

Reviewed full circle.

Firstly I don't know much about Manga, so I'll have to take this as a stand alone tale. The tale is well-written and the grammer and spelling fine so I can't find fault there. I think I might have preferred it if you had written the prelude later on and started with the couple on the bus, but that's just me! Ok, I take the point that one of them is seeing spirits, if they are spirits does he just think they are? I wonder how this ability affects the relationship between them if it is a major part of your tale. Speaking of the relationship, I do like the relationship between your couple. I also like your descriptions when I read them. Possibly you could do with a couple of more descriptive paragraphs, the tale is mostly dialogue so far. A shame about the boy. Overall though, good tale I will look forward to seeing more, good luck, Ham!

I wonder if someone could review a little original fiction piece of mine! This one, thanks


12/28/2011 #359

reviewed RTFM.... would like someone to read my story Konoha's Lucky Fox and let me know where my story is suffering....thanx............................................................................................................ So this was an interesting little one-shot. I like the irony in being told it sounds like a RTFM moment. the story however was a little choppy. for example....

They were used to travelling in deep space Steph looked to his companion, 'I hope we get through this soon we have the match on this weekend. Hope Systerix wins, holy, what was that?' The ship shock and a loud bang exploded underneath them.

it should be written on with some breakage to his statement, like so...

Steph looked to his companion, "I hope we get through this soon; we have the match on this weekend." Grinning while giving a thumbs up, Steph shouted out a cheer for his team "Hope Systerix wins! Suddenly, the ship shook with a loud bang, "holy crap, what was that?".....

so that my opinion. like i said, its a good one-shot, and i like the bits of comedy in it. keep working on the flow of your stories and i think that'll help them go far.

12/28/2011 #360
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