Writers Anonymous
Writers, come in. Talk about your stories, problems, any advice you need, critique, etc. You don't have to be good, you just need to want to write! Fanfic or original fic writers, all are welcome. Read the rules before posting or risk Rhea's displeasure.
New Follow Forum Follow Topic
Page 1 2 3 4 11 .. Last Next »
Rhea Silverkeys

Would you like some constructive criticism on your story? Wondering why it doesn't have many readers or reviews?


Part 1: Requests for Constructive Criticism / Feedback

You can post links to your story in this thread, to ask people to give you advice and constructive criticism. Please note that this is not the place to ask for more reviews; it is to ask for useful feedback on your story.

To reply to this topic, hit the 'Reply' button at the bottom of any post. That will append your reply to the end of the topic. Do not press 'New'. Pressing 'New' will create a new topic which is not what you want to do if you are posting ask for constructive criticism/feedback.

Tell us why you want your story critiqued. Not sure about the style or tone? Wondering if your characterisation is consistent? Does the plot make sense? If you post a link without any explanations the mods have the right to delete the post. It would also be useful if you indicate whether fandom knowledge is required for the type of help you are looking for, or give a bit of background for those who don't know the fandom.

Your request/question is open for everyone to answer, however there is no guarantee it will be – the system is dependent on users like yourself sacrificing their time to help.

It would probably be helpful if you followed this template when asking for concrit:

Title:

Link:

Fandom: (e.g. Naruto, Harry Potter)

Rating: (Some people don't read M ratings, so warning is nice.)

Summary:

Complete/Incomplete:

Fandom Knowledge Required: (Yes/No)

Help: (What you want help with, which bits you're unsure of, why you want constructive criticism, etc.)

Writers Anonymous also has review games where you can ask for constructive criticism, but the catch is that you have to give some concrit first. Please see here for the list of review games.


Part 2: List of Critique Threads

The following is a list of Critique threads on the forum. These are places where you can post excerpts of your story, not a link to your whole story. The purpose is to help you to hone a specific scene without needing people to read the whole story. Have a look!

  • Action Scenes – Have problems with keeping the flow of your fights and battles consistent? Can't for the life of you just write exciting and energetic conflicts between two characters? Post your action sequences here.
  • Character Introduction - For introductions of original characters (OCs). Many authors treat OCs and canon characters (CCs) differently and it can be a bit difficult trying to figure out how to introduce them without annoying or boring people. If your attempts at introducing that well-executed character is going wrong, then by all means post them here.
  • Death Scenes – If you're having problems writing that heart-wrenching, tissue-blowing sequence wherein one of your major characters or major character's friend/sibling/lover/relative dies or similar, post them here.
  • Description – Need assistance in describing an important plot item or similar? Want to write an amazing detail of that dark lord's towering castle, but you don't know how to without coming off as pretentious? Descriptive sequences go here. (Do make sure that description is what you need, however.)
  • Dialogue - Trouble with getting your hero's banter with his/her partner right? Want those conversations to mean something without dragging too long? Post your dialogue sequences here.
  • Drama – Any and all dramatic scenes go here.
  • Emotion / Emotional Expression - Problems with getting your character's emotions right? Trying to show that tough guy crying without making him out of character? All emotions and emotional expression items go here.
  • General / Other - For any critique type that doesn't fit into the other categories.
  • Romance / Love - A thread for any scene about overt lust or love, or just tinged with romantic undertones. Want to develop your characters through their personal feelings and/or in bed? Post your romantic and/or loving scenes here.

If you'd like some help with general plot outline, look here:

The next two links are not in the Critique category, but also very useful for titles and summaries:

  • Titles - Post your titles here to ask for feedback on whether they sound interesting or good. Also a general discussion topic on what makes a good title.
  • Summaries - Post your summaries here for feedback on whether they are enticing enough. Can your summary successfully pull a reader in?
8/18/2008 . Edited 10/20/2015 #1
Naheniel

Title: A meeting in Mirkwood

Fandom: Lord of the Rings (But it´sn somewhat AU for its playing 1500 years before the Book)

Rating:K+

Summary: Legolas leaves the Halls of Thranduil and meets someone who is protected by the forest. Is this person a legend, or just one of the elves or both? Takes place about 1500 years before the Wars of the Rings!

This summary sucks and I know it, it makes the whole story sound like some romance fic which it is not, please help!

Help: I mostly need help with style for the Story is pretty much clear. I am German so my english isn´t best even more so for I am trying to differ my style a little bit from modern one. I have already got a review of someone liking the style but again I am not sure for the grammar plus there are some German phrases I tried to translate and I guess some of them turn out pretty bad.

If you want to give con-crits to my other storys I would be glad too. I have rewritten the first chapter of "The Message" two days ago after a very helpful review of AbCarter and I will try to apply this to the other chapters of the story but that will take some time.

Naheniel

Edited by mod to add link

8/18/2008 . Edited by AbCarter, 8/18/2008 #2
atheniangoddess

Hi, this is my story which is not getting many reviews. Since it is not getting hardly any reviews, I'm not sure if it's bad or good. If it's bad, people aren't telling me what to fix and if it's good they aren't really telling me what's good about it....

Anyhow, here it is...

Title: Redemption

Fandom: Pirates of the Caribbean

Summary: A mysterious girl shows up on James Norrington’s doorstep and he finds himself drawn to her. Will this girl also capture his heart? Or will ambitions and past love get in the way? OC/James pairing. Takes place after the first movie.

Rating: T

Help: I need constructive criticism and I'm wondering how I can draw people in more.

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4296192/1/Redemption

8/18/2008 . Edited 8/18/2008 #3
Naheniel

I tried to apply the things AbCarter pointed out to the story and I hope it is better now.

Do you have some advice for the summary too? It sounds to much like a romance-fic at the moment and I want to change that somehow and I want to make the summary sound more interesting.

Story: A Meeting in Mirkwood

Summary: Legolas leaves the Halls of Thranduil and meets someone who is protected by the forest. Is this person a legend, or just one of the elves or both? Takes place about 1500 years before the Wars of the Rings!

Thank you

Naheniel

ps: can someone tell me how to insert links here?

8/19/2008 . Edited 8/19/2008 #4
Rhea Silverkeys

Highlight the piece of text you want to insert a link for and then press the chain icon next to the 'Styles' button. (You don't need to do that in this topic anymore though coz AbCarter has very kindly put it in for you.)

As for your summary, I don't know what your story is about so I'm afraid I can't really help you there...

8/19/2008 #5
Rain Sky

Well, this is my epic project for now,

Title/Link: 影の暴風雨 Shadow Tempest

Fandom: Naruto (third-Uchiha-survivor-OC fic) ~ I know those two points along make most people vomit, but...

Rating: T ~ No graphic violence or sexual situations, just some minor profanity from a bunch of teenagers. It's also not light reading.

Summary: It focuses mostly on the OC's life, but also follows the life and development of other characters. Although the OC is, after the first chapter, fixated on Itachi, it's not really a romance-centered fic, and even that 'reality' of her love for Itachi is questioned. I wanted (1) to see the Uchiha massacre from a female perspective instead of just Murderer/Avenger, (2) watch other characters as they develop, particularly over the timeskip. The main canon story focuses too much on the titular character Naruto, and doesn't give enough limelight to others. I wanted to cast a shadow across the illusion of a 'perfect life' --- something that no one has, no matter how good it seems, or how it was. When I first began, I adhered to canon, though stretching Itachi. After catching up about 15 volumes of the manga, my vision for this story actually matches canon very well.

Help: An OC story can easily Mary Sue, especially in this story where you have to either be a kickass ninja or a powerful, influential person to do anything worthwhile in this fandom (and well, if a character does nothing, what's the point?). The biggest problem (and probably turn-off) is that my first chapter is long and still only about the OC (she hasn't really met other people yet). It's long because I had no logical break point, and maybe that much Sairin is too much for readers (probably too *long* for fanbrats). I have asked others every so often to check up on the Mary Sue-ness, and I have so far passed their eyes, but still, it is always a concern. I mean, I *know* in my head, the way the story goes, that she will not be Mary Sue, but is she right now? Was she before? I account for her weapons, her skills. You can see her end up trailing behind in comparison to other characters.

I believe I can trust my grammar to be near free of flaws, and no one has pointed anything out, but... even after reviewers don't point anything out, I will revisit a chapter and find a mistake, even if only just one. I wonder if perhaps people are reading it closely enough to notice what might be wrong.

I also feel I have a tendency to work like the Naruto anime; since I already have the most important plotpoints mapped out, beginning to end, I sometimes run dry for all the parts in-between. I'd like some tips on this, because a story needs everything to stand. I mean, I haven't tried to add filler, but the stuff I relevantly fill-in is somewhat less enticing. It feels less real.

8/27/2008 #6
Pink Lychee

Title: Picturesque

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4507285/1/Picturesque

Fandom: Naruto

Rating: T - Contains shounen-ai, violence, and language

Summary: Being Kazekage means tending to his people's needs. Gaara is pulled into a new chapter in his life when a boy from the north has affections for him. Gaara's willing to work hard to be liked; that includes learning new lessons of life and love.

Help: I think the main thing that's throwing people off is the fact that my story has a boy/boy pairing. xP I many people aren't very tolerant of shounen-ai.

I'm trying to portray a loving relationship between the two of them and I'm trying to capture the life of a shinobi outside of their missions and traning.

I'm not very good a summaries, lol. But I don't write blocks of text. Nor do I do the thoughts, dreaming, "speaking", visions, ect. Thing. I'm not very good with first chapters either. xP I hope someone can help me out with the summaries and chapters things. If not, maybe it's the entire story I'm having trouble with.

8/30/2008 #7
MoonlitxAngel

Titles: Jacob and Renessme and Rukia, the blood sucking demon!

Link:Jacob and Renessme: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4488109/4/ Rukia, the bloodsucking demon girl!: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4284340/1/

Fandom: Twilight, Naruto

Rating: Teen for minor language. Twilight has graphical violence in the beginning

Summary: Jacob and Renessme: One day Bella and Edward can’t find Renessme. They look in the cottage that Esme built, no luck. A chain of events brings old friends to enemies, new friends, and old bonds formed more tightly. What will Bella do when she finds out that an old friends is behind everything? Read to find out

Rukia, the blood sucking demon!: When Naruto finds a girl while on patrol around Konoha,things go wrong! Sasuke is taken by her, he is under her spell. She can shapeshift into people whose blood she's sucked and Naruto is acting like a child.What's Konoha to do against this Akatski girl?

Help: I would like more review for these stories. I also want critics to help me get better w/ my writing. I know that i wish to know why I'm not getting reviews but if u would review then that would make me really, extremely happy. Thanks!

9/4/2008 #8
Collyer-san

Title: The Diaries of Mindi Fursoul

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4516918/1/The_Diaries_of_Mindi_Fursoul

Fandom: Original/Castlevania. Will Expand.

Rating: Currently K+. will probebly go up to a T.

Summery: After helplessly wathcing a necromacer flee into a portal, Mindi has nothing else on her mind but to get them. As portals begin springing up all over the land, Could this be the Chance Mindi was looking for?

Help: At the moment, I'm unsure of the quality of my writing. I really wouldn't mind knowing if I'm doing anything utterly wrong, or maybe even things totally correct, though I think that's a stretch of my own imagination.

9/7/2008 #9
Naheniel

Hi,

I would like con-crit to the following story:

Title: Broken

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4559610/1/Broken

Summary: What does House feel about Stacy? And even more, what does he feel when she suddenly wants him back? This is a look inside the rough shell of House and a revelation of the thoughts that might lie behind the toughness. Season 2

Help: So far I have recieved a positive reaction here and another from someone I gave this for reading. Now I got the feedback that some sentences where to long and I had where istead of were sometimes but so far that was all. I am always at a loss with where and were and I do have a weakness for long sentences I guess. So what is your impression?

9/27/2008 #10
Nessa Blade

I just want to say thank you so much for this. I've taken the advice and tweaked my fic a bit and I will see what happens. It's fairly new and still in the early stages of the story so I won't post it up here for critique but i still received some great advice.

-Nessa

10/23/2008 #11
Mcvirus

Title: DragonBall Gt : Prophecy Fortold

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4613051/1/DragonBall_Gt_Prophecy_Fortold

Fandom: DragonBallGt

Rating: T

Summary: It's still only one chapter, But I have a whole lot in mind for this Fanfic.

It plays after the Gt Series itself. When all saiyan's are known to be dead, I planned the story to have some major turn's. What I actually want is someone to give me some constructive criticism and tip's on how to improve my fanfiction. Also please be aware my spelling isn't all that great :p

Thank you

10/23/2008 #12
Ghost1Who1Walks

Title: Stuck In The Middle With You

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4633232/1/MetroidxHalo_Stuck_In_The_Middle_With_You

Fandom: Metroid/Halo crossover

Rating: T (might have just enough violence/language to qualify for an M, but I'm not a great judge on ratings)

Summary: A fairly simple premise; the UNSC are fighting the Covenant for control of a non-canon Halo when Metroid's Space Pirates arrive on the scene, looking to claim the Halo for themselves. Naturally, Samus Aran isn't far behind, she and the Master Chief end up teaming up, massive amounts of death and destruction ensue. Primarily centers around the Space Pirates and the Covenant battling each other, with the two heroes caught in the middle of the conflict (hence the title)

Help: To be honest, I just want any constructive criticism, at all. I've been putting my works up online for about a year or so and getting quite a few positive reactions from my readers, but have yet to recieve any negative criticism. I KNOW I'm not THAT good yet, so I just need somebody who really knows what they're talking about to go over my work with a fine-toothed comb and pick out all the problems so I know where I need to improve. Be brutal. PLEASE.

11/7/2008 #13
Talon88.1

Title: The War.

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/secure/live_preview.php?storyid=3875796&chapter=1

Fandom: Metroid

Rating: M

Summary: After the events of MP3, Samus is tired, grieving at the loss of three of her few friends, and is already pushing herself to the brink in order to bury those feelings under work and hunting. However, the planet Phazze was much more then what anyone had suspected. Instead of it being the origin of Phazon itself, it was a seed planet, taken over and transformed by a race driven out by the combined racial military might of the Chozo, the Luminoth, and the Dragons.

And now that their long reaching plans have wiped out the Chozo, devastated the Luminoth, and manipulated the Dragons to the brink of extinction, they are returning to take back what was once theirs.

Now The Federation and the Pirates, along with Samus and Ridley, must join forces *albeit grudingly and with a lot of pain* to somehow save everything that still means something to them.

Help: Most of my reviewers are pleased with my vocab and spelling *Minor errors of course* and my descriptions of people and the enviroments are apparently farily decent. The first two chapters need the most revision for grammer and pacing, so please dont let the rather harsh style set you off.

However, what I am looking for is better dialoge, better pacing, better....hell, lets go for broke. I want to be better in everything, ok? Right now Im trying to get a massive space battle done and need so much help on it that its not even funny. After that *In the same chapter* I must get Samus into the enemy ship to shut down the EM field and reactivate her armor.

All in all, I am going for as close to real life as possible *With liberties of course on futuristic weapons/ships/armor/all that* while maintaining a sense of humanity and really driving home the horror of what war can do, and what it means to fight an enemy that is not after land, titles, rescources or anything else so material. These guys are after nothing less then the complete and total obliteration of every single life-form in the galaxy.

And right now, they are doing a pretty thorugh job of it.

So, what do ya think? Good, bad, so horrible you want to gouge out your eyes?

#254 Today, 7:06pmReply Mod Edit . Report Abuse . Delete Post .«

11/10/2008 #14
Tau22

I actually have two stories that would need some help.

Story 1:

Title: Tale of Darken

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4468337/1/Tale_of_Darken

Fandom: Sonic the hedgehog

Rating: T

Summary: A new hero appears as if out of nowhere, but with him a new evil as well.He will have to join forces with Sonic and co. and find the seven elemental orbs if existence has any chance of prevailing.

Help: I would just want some constructive criticism. The whole story is written, so I do not think I can attract more people.

The second story is the sequel to the first.

Story2:

Title: Dimensional cataclysm

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4624020/1/Dimensional_cataclysm

Fandom: Sonic the hedgehog

Rating: T

Summary: Sequel to "Tale of Darken". As Darken thinks he can have a peaceful life helping defeat Eggman, he is shown the whole battlefield. Which spans dimensional proportions. Many challenges await, but he is not alone to face the powers of Chaos.

Help: Again, just some criticism, since it is already written.

Thanks in advance.

11/15/2008 . Edited 11/15/2008 #15
Naheniel

Title: Because

Fandome: Chronicles of Narnia

Summary: The Pevensie-children are back from their first trip to Narnia and these are the thoughts of them and some Narnians they met. How did they affect the lives of their friends? And what happened to Narnia after their Golden Age?

Rating: K+ (at the moment)

Since I have no reviews so far I am looking for help,

I am not sure if the summary sounds interesting enough.

I have parts of it already written although the beginning is up only but I want concrits so I can apply them to later chapters as well.

Is it clear that the first-person-narrator is dying? Should I do something different than I did with first person? This was my first try with it, so naturally I am a bit unsure about it.

11/19/2008 #16
Sparty

Naheniel,

This is just my opinion, which isn't that great since i'm getting hardly any reviews either, but since I've read the story I'd say that your summary is incorrect. It's not the interesting part that I have a problem with, but the information there. I can tell you right away that summary doesn't seem to have much to do with anything that transpires in your story, except for the sentence 'how did they affect their friends".

Your summary should point out the major characters of your story, tumnus, and possibly lucy.

It should tell the reader that this is a story about tumnus' feelings of dismay at the leaving of the kings and queens. instead, your summary seems to cover this laaaarge area that you may have been considering makeing further chapters about or the like, but the way it is now, it should be far more narrowed.

You might also say that this is an aged, heartbroken tumnus. depending on how much you want to give away on the summary. My point is, with such a wide, football-field summary like the one you have, it really won't draw the right attention to your story, or hardly any at all.

just my opinion though.

i thought it was clear tumnus was dying. i'm also a genius that figures things out thats going to happen a very large percentage of the time in almost all movies, books, and shows that i watch, but i do believe that most normal people would be able to tell that he was clearly passing on.

first person is a style, and if it's yours i dont see much of a reason to change it.

well on to my story

Title: The Recruiters

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4030034/1/The_Recruiters

Fandom: Mostly Anime Crossover. Mainly Shenmue, Dragon Ball Z, Final Fantasy.

Rating: Currently PG-13+ for n*** and sexual references/statements.

Summary: EVERY universe from books, movies, tv shows, and games are combined into one universe, ours! Now the people must recruit together the heroes to save the world against the villains! May the epic and humorous battle begin! shenmue, dbz, final fantasy, etc.

Actual book summary: Every fictional universe that has existed, or ever will exist, has all been pulled into one universe by an unknown evil force, so he can destroy it all in one great blow.The evil being that has caused this is still building power, preparing to strike. This story centers on a small teenage boy from our modern day earth, living a normal life when suddenly all this happens around him. Originally what he believes is a dream come true, turns more into a super-powered nightmare as he gains friends and enemies from each and every fictional universe to ever exist. Together with the help of might heroes, he must band together the forces of good to defeat the horde of villains, and to battle the impending doom of the all-powerful evil one!

Help: I can't seem to get any bloody reviews. i don't know if it's just under anime x-overs or what, but I'm a pretty good writer. And I don't say that just to be arrogant or something, I've read a lot of books and I know a lot about writing. My family has talent in writing, and honestly, it's not that hard. I'm a good comedian and I love action, so that's what my book is full of. Yet, for some reason, I've never got a single review that wasn't hand directed by me personally to get someone to go there. Not once has anyone seen it on the site and thought 'gee i should review this!'. Clearly I'm doing something wrong somewhere. I realize now that making the prologue a wall of text might put some people off, so i inted to fix that. Other then that, I'm still updating it to this day.

Honestly, I'm not really THAT worried, because I enjoy writing it, and I enjoy reading it especially, as does my sister and the one or two friends I can get to read it. In fact i've never got a bad review from any of my friends, not like that's saying much though coming from 'friends'.

It just seems like if this could somehow get under the public eye, I'd have hundreds or even thousands of fans.

11/24/2008 #17
Naheniel

Hi,

thank you Sparty,

to the summary actually this will be multichaptered, so there will be other main characters as well. I am just taking my time to update it ( I have planned Susan, the professer, Peter, Edmond, the mother of the four, and m,aybe even the beavers as well), so this is not major L/T their chapters were simply first.

( I changed a lot after you reviewd so you might have not seen it yet)

11/24/2008 . Edited 11/24/2008 #18
Sparty

assuming you do as you say, i'd say that it isn't that bad information wise as to the plotline of your story then. Still, if it hasn't been updated yet, i'd change the summary to something more fitting of what it currently is. Right now (if it hasnt been updated yet), it's a emotional/despair-ish short story. anyone who does read your story based on the summary will likely be somewhat dissapointed with only the one chapter. Most of the things mentioned in the summary don't come to pass. PM me (if thats possible) if you want to continue the conversation, so we don't spam up the topic here.

11/24/2008 #19
Randomness is Bliss

I'm have two stories, but what I'm really wondering is what style I should stick with. One I focused more on "Voice" and another I was more onto just doing an story-teller like air. I know I'm not the best writer on earth, but I really need someone to tell me on which style I should stick with. Here they are:

Title: Through Golden Eyes

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4509343/1/Through_Golden_Eyes_MAX_RIDE_GROUP

Fandom: Maximum Ride/Twilight

Rating: T

Summary: It's from the point of veiw of a vampire who was kidnapped while traveling through California who gets kidnapped by 'the School' and they run her through the whole nine yards in Avian-Human (or in this case vamp) experiments. Max and the flock reluctantly take her in (Angel insisted) after escaping the house of horrors. She documents all the experiances she and the flock are going through, keeping quiet and letting things flow as if she weren't there, hoping that with the flock she can shake the mad scientists at the school before she leaves and heads up to Forks Washington, where she had origanally arranged with Carlisle that she would join his coven.

Help: This is the one I primly focoused on voice, and I only have one chapter up. I've only got four reveiws, (not really a big shock, really) and all of them seem positive. I really want to see if my writing is stronger in this style or not.

------------------------------------------------------

Title: Of what became of Fire and Ice

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4300741/1/Of_what_Became_of_Fire_and_Ice_MW

Fandom: Twilight

Rating: T

Summary: It's the year 2112 and the world is in chaos. The ultimate battle between Werwolf, Human, and Vampire has finally begun, and one girl gains the power to decide who will prevail. Who will she choose? Familiar Fire or Consumeing Ice?

Help: In this one I focused more on description and storyline, but has three chapters. Same question as before, Is this better or worse than my 'voice' writing? I need help! I want to know which I'm better so I can work at it... not try to pursue somthing that will most likely end up as my Akilie's heel. Please tell me what you think!

11/26/2008 . Edited 11/26/2008 #20
Amelia Bianca Black

Ok, I've changed my mind. The reason: I've gotten a nice number of hits (larger than it's usual when the latest chapter has already been on the site for some time, which makes me think some of you did read the story/chapter), but no (constructive) criticism whatsoever. That makes me think I'm so terrible that no one even dare start "talking" about my shortcomings. I wouldn't have minded "brutal" concrit, but getting none has really gotten to me. *wonders why she uses 'get' so much * So, yeah, I've changed my mind and that's why I'm removing the links.

Peace & Love,

Amelia

P.S. If I keep telling to myself that the only reason I didn't get any concrit is the fact that there are few CJ fans here, maybe I'll actually start believing that... :))

P.P.S. Sorry if you think I'm being a bit oversensitive here, but I can't help it.

11/29/2008 . Edited 11/30/2008 #21
Sparty

Hey there folks- I got a bit of an update about my the recruiters book. I post a new one rather then editing cuz noone is gonna check all the posts just to see if somethnig got edited xD

mainly, It was brought to my attention that the summary for my book, sucks. Mainly because it sounds like its written like an average, crappy, 2093823 people in one book fic. which it's not. It's NEVER super confusing like that.

so here's my summary:

EVERY universe from books, movies, tv shows, and games are combined into one universe, ours! Now the people must recruit together the heroes to save the world against the villains! May the epic and humorous battle begin! shenmue, dbz, final fantasy, etc.

And here's the real summary for the book:

-Every fictional universe that has existed, or ever will exist, has all been pulled into one universe by an unknown evil force, so he can destroy it all in one great blow. However, bringing the entire multi-verse together into one gigantic planet has greatly drained his enegery, so the evil being that has caused this is still building power, preparing to strike. This story centers on a small teenage boy from our modern day earth, living a normal life when suddenly all this happens around him. Originally what he believes is a dream come true, turns more into a super-powered nightmare as he gains friends and enemies from each and every fictional universe to ever exist. Together with the help of mighty heroes, he must band together the forces of good to defeat the horde of villains, and to battle the impending doom of the all-powerful evil one!

So, WHAT SHAZ I PUT IN THERE?!! i dunno halp :(

12/1/2008 #22
Tetraforce

Pet peeve 1 for me. Phrases like "No flames, please!" or "My first story, please R&R!" seem to turn people off, as well. That displays to me that the Author cannot handle criticism so I am like. "Okaaaaaaaaaaay My opinion will probably be squezzed out of the picture so I'll move on."

I can't tell you how much I HATE those review phrases the Author puts out. She might as well stick a gun and say bluntly "Review or I'll shoot"

2.

[From Sophophobic] "Avoid making your author's note too long, we want to read your story, not a detailed account on what you did over the summer, or a fictional author-arguing-with-the-characters bit. Most readers are interested in the story, and they're not going to bother reading about things like that unless they know you personally. Plus, it tends to annoy readers and make them not read."

I more then agree though if the story is exceptionable I will read on but otherwise....nope.

- - - - - - -

Naheniel

Title: A meeting in Mirkwood

Fandom: Lord of the Rings (But it´sn somewhat AU for its playing 1500 years before the Book)

Rating:K+

Summary: Legolas leaves the Halls of Thranduil and meets someone who is protected by the forest. Is this person a legend, or just one of the elves or both? Takes place about 1500 years before the Wars of the Rings!

This summary sucks and I know it, it makes the whole story sound like some romance fic which it is not, please help!

Help: I mostly need help with style for the Story is pretty much clear. I am German so my english isn´t best even more so for I am trying to differ my style a little bit from modern one. I have already got a review of someone liking the style but again I am not sure for the grammar plus there are some German phrases I tried to translate and I guess some of them turn out pretty bad.

If you want to give con-crits to my other storys I would be glad too. I have rewritten the first chapter of "The Message" two days ago after a very helpful review of AbCarter and I will try to apply this to the other chapters of the story but that will take some time.

Naheniel

Edited by mod to add link

To me it screams Mary Sue..Dunno why but I feel put off by it. I feel like there is a Forest-Mage Guardian with a love-romance and she is VERY MUCH Mary Sue.

12/2/2008 . Edited 12/2/2008 #23
Naheniel

If you would have actually READ the story you would see that I have even in the AN that there is NO romance. And my char has NO magical powers either.

Sorry if that was blunt, but I didn´t state in the AN for no reason that there will be no love/romance at any point. And how can there be any romance if the main characters have not even really met yet? I don´t understand!

And I never said something about that being magic, see in the original book forests hate people if they are bad, so why don´t they like someone who protects them? This is however no magic.

12/3/2008 . Edited 12/3/2008 #24
Sparty

"protected by the forest" - this implys magic, since the forest isn't exactly alive, unless it's like treants, which isn't the first thing people think of.

and i'm pretty sure she was talking about the summary+name of the story, and what impression that gave

12/3/2008 #25
Naheniel

Well read Tolkien: Trees are alive and just think about the huorns that were NO ents and scared the orks to death, this is not magic because there is no real magic in the Tolkien world and I am aware of that.

And you should even see from the summary because it was said there that the story is NO ROMACE. I am not writing this for no reasing, I know the cliché well enough, this is why I am stating the "No Legomance"-fact right away!

12/3/2008 #26
Sparty

What does Gandalf use then? And I thought the rings were magical? I never read the books, but I never heard there was no magic in LOTR before...

yeah but, where in the summary did it say no romance?

rofl legomance that's sad if soooo many people do that they made up a word for it lol. assuming u didn't just make it up urself, but either way it's still funny haha

12/5/2008 #27
Naheniel

What does Gandalf use then

Gandalf is a Maia! Maia are being that can be compared to weak gods. They are servants of the valar, the "gods".

And I thought the rings were magical

There is no magic in middle earth, at least no magic like in Harry potter. People don´t go and cast spells. The trees in middle earth are you could say alive and they, that was in the books, do something against people they dislike actively although you don´t recognize it right away.

My story is book-verse so I think it would be important to have read the books to tell me something it is not canon. This is however different with telling me something is not logical.

No Legomance just friendship!

Quote out of my summary. Legomance =Logolas+Romance which is used quite often in this fandome. I do not write stories that are legolas-romance, I know that people dislike them but I tend to dislike them as well.

Anyway there can´t be something like romance if two characters have not met yet.

12/5/2008 #28
Sparty

really, interesting. I think tolkien was better of just leaving it as him being a magic-user. But since it was before D&D... I guess maybe tolkien just had a clearer 'definition'.

Doesn't the summary make it clear that they are GOING to meet? That them meeting is one of the main points in the book? That's what the summary implys

12/6/2008 #29
Naheniel

really, interesting. I think tolkien was better of just leaving it as him being a magic-user

Sparty please stop, you are making no sense here! Tolkien wrote the books like 60 years ago!!!!! This is his world and he created a huge universe! These movies perverted his whole world in places. Sorry if this is blunt but if you want to discuss canon with me I would ask you to get at least a little bit familiar with it.

Doesn't the summary make it clear that they are GOING to meet?

They do meet. And so? Does meeting automatically mean falling in love or having breathtaking sex? Do I sleep with every person I meet? Do I fall in love with every person I meet? Please think about this before writing and answer, this is why i stated it was just FRIENDSHIP!

12/7/2008 . Edited 12/7/2008 #30
Page 1 2 3 4 11 .. Last Next »
Forum Moderators: Rhea Silverkeys CrystalRei, Ragnelle, LMRaven, Maryilee, cathrl
Rules:
  • Forums are not to be used to post stories.
  • All forum posts must be suitable for teens.
  • The owner and moderators of this forum are solely responsible for the content posted within this area.
  • All forum abuse must be reported to the moderators.
Membership Length: 2+ years 1 year 6+ months 1 month 2+ weeks new member