Hehe, I'm at 0 views :(
Title: Common Worlds (The first one in my profile, I think)
Fandom: MAR and Yu Yu Hakusho
Summary: Fubuki Miura, a psychic in the human world, was called by his counterpart in MAR-Heaven to embark on a journey to the strange fairytale-like land. But Nil, the man behind the action, has other things in mind.
Help: Pretty much any ideas will be considered.3/21/2012 #361
how do you view your reviews from stries you have uploaded3/23/2012 #362
Apart from looking at them in the published stories themselves you can see them in:
Sign In - Traffic Stats - Legacy Story Stats
There's a Reviews column you can click the values to see the reviews.
[EDIT another way is to click the word Reviews against all your stories on your profile page.]3/23/2012 . Edited 3/23/2012 #363
Title: Darkened Light Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7932768/1/TLoZ_Darkened_Light Fandom: Zelda Rating: T Summary: The fate of the world was always bound to be shrouded in the darkness, so was its destiny... However, as a boy escapes and finds himself emerging on a quest, shall he manage to withstand destiny and alter it, or only become a mere victim of it himself? Help: Style, the grammar... As it is only 1 Ch long (intentionally 2 but I fused them together...) i dont except reviews so yeah. IM SORRY IPAD MESSES UP3/25/2012 . Edited 3/25/2012 #364
Title: A Father Figure
Fandom: Harry Potter
Summary: (Severitus: eventual mentor/guardian relationship) Basically Headmaster Dumbledore asks Professor Snape to teach harry occlumency and potion lessons in the summer after Harry's fifth year. Snape naturally finds out about Harry's home life and acts as a guide and teacher.
Help: My first chapter is more or less dialogue of two characters being voiced. To develop this chapter into something more, i need constructive feedback and descriptions. I also need to balance description and dialogue - in other words i need to make my chapter more longer and descriptive. Would you be able to help me?
(i sent many messages to betas, but they never replied, so i'm posting here)3/28/2012 #365
Darklight-phoenix: This is not really the kind of story I like but since it is so short so far I gave it a quick once over. I'm sure you know that you have both Harry and Snape's relationship completely out of character from the start. In the books they loathe and despise one another and both would rather choke than be on a first name basis even by the end of the summer let alone the start plus Snape is obliged to be nasty to Potter anyway to keep up an appearance for anyone who might report back to Voldemort. That's OK. It's your story. Just saying, any thinking reader would find this rapid change too unbelievable to take seriously. At best, I'd go for a scathing mutual hatred and maybe reach a hint of grudging respect by the end of summer.
You have captured some of Snape's abruptness; that feels more real. He just is not a very symphathetic person and he will not be moved at all by the hardships that Harry has endured. Two years of therapy might change him slightly but not two minutes at the Dursleys' - no chance. Instead, I'd make Snape's observations more subtle - to soak in over the months afterwards. Just hint that Snape might have a sliver of heart somewhere within him and let the readers draw their own conclusions:
'Snape's eyes narrowed slightly as she said the word 'freak' and when he saw the locks, bolts, and cat flap on Harry's bedroom door he hesitated thoughtfully.'
The grammar, phrasing, writing style, flow, pace, etc. is reasonable. There are a few mis-spellings, etc. but nothing drastic. Yes, as you say, it needs more narrative and description to balance it out. In particular you need to set the scene right at the start where we are in a complete void. Where are they? How did they get there? What are they doing and how do their feelings show? No need to always go into lengthy descriptions; just work in a few words of description bit by bit:
'Harry reluctantly stomped along beside his potions master down the long boulevard wondering how he was going to endure this summer. He was so annoyed he hardly noticed the pleasant, leafy trees and the cool, shady walkways.' etc.
You see in a couple of sentences the reader has an idea of the area plus Harry's feelings plus we know they are walking not waiting or working on something, plus it helps to introduce the white manor which otherwise is a bit abrupt if you are expecting a run-down red-brick, terraced house.
Go back to the books and read a section and let it influence you; JKR did not dwell too much on long descriptions but kept it simple mostly and saved the longer descriptive paragraphs for occasional use. Both are good but need balancing out. Ten minutes soaking up her style before your writing sessions may help. If you don't have the books then google for eg, potter extracts from books
If unsure, don't hesitate to rewrite phrases, sentences, and paragraphs again and again in different ways if necessary until you feel you are happy with them.
Hope that helps a little bit anyway. Good luck - and remember - it's your story so it can be what you want it to be.3/28/2012 #366
Fandom: Crossover of Halo/Half Life/ Portal
A hyper lethal super soldier. A sarcastic android with a science obsession. A renowned Black Mesa physicist. A mute test subject with unwavering resillience. What do they have in common? They've all accepted a "job". AU.
Help:(what you want help with, which bits you're unsure of, why you want constructive criticism, etc.): First off, I'm not sure of how to portray Gordon Freeman and Chell, and if I'm doing GLaDOS correctly. Chell and Freeman never speak in game. No supporting novels or videos. Plus I can't be sure if GLaDOS is a little OOC or not. Along with that, I've recieved only 2 reviews that even resemble something like constructive comment. So it would be really appreciated if you guys could take a look and comment.3/28/2012 #367
Title: A Darker Hero
Fandom: My story will include numerous different ones and I really don't want to ruin the ones still not mentioned within the story. The two currently mentioned are Bleach and Naruto. (Sorry if it's not helpful enough but I really don't want to ruin the surprises)
Rating: Currently rated teen. Contains some mentions of blood, not too graphic but not too light. Also contains some sexual references and sexual innuendos.
Summary: This may take awhile but I'll try to shorten as much as possible.
A teen (the main OC) with a mysterious past is hurled into a confusing and dangerous situation as he is flung into a strange world when his city is attacked by unknown assailants. Finding himself in none other than Karakura, the teen managed to find a place with Orihime, after much skirmishing with Tatsuki of course. Soon after, he strikes a deal with Urahara for training in exchange for doing chores around the shop. Though he has no Zanpakuto, Urahara sees it deep within him although the shopkeeper is also confused as in why a non-Shinigami would have one. A few days past as the teen trains only slightly until he receives his own blade.
After an attack from Orihime's brother's Hollow, the teen attempts to protect his new home and host but ends up severely injured instead and must rely on Ichigo to finish the fight. In the aftermath, after agreeing to protect Orihime in her brother's stead, the teen finally receives his sword. Intense training follows for the next number of days. Though unbeknownst to the teen, Uryu had started his challenge against Ichigo and had sucked him into participating as Hollows swarmed him and the town. Wanting to protect the two girls who had given him shelter, the teen heads to the school grounds to find them. After dispatching a couple of weak Hollows, the teen is confronted with a strange woman (another OC), who he spares in order to seek answers from.
Learning from the woman that he is what is called an "Elemental," the woman also mentions that he should continue running as the attackers from his city most likely were looking for him. Teaching him to open portals using the powers granted to Elementals, the teen says his final good-byes before departing using this new technique. In this new world, he meets a pervert (yet another OC) peeping on a hot springs resort from a tree over looking the resort. After the branch gives out, both fall and roll towards the resort where they are forced into defending it from rogue ninja. Though both are thanked for their bravery in defending the little resort, they are forced to leave early as the pervert is caught peeping. A young girl (not an OC, actually Karin from Naruto Shippuden when she was young, aka during the time of the original Naruto) approaches them and strong arms them into taking her along by holding their clothes and possession ransom.
Finding a bounty (also an OC) in the local village, the trio heads off to locate them using Karin's tracking abilities. After defeating and killing the bounty, the ragtag team tries to claim the bounty only to learn that Konoha had claimed the bounty and were set to return in a few days. Though disappointed over this news, the village agrees to replenish their supplies and treat the injuries they obtained during their fight with the bounty.
Help: Ok, so I'm not as unlucky as some of the authors that get zero reviews and I'm not ungrateful for the reviews I have gotten, but I do want some more and more specific constructive criticisms. The reviewers so far have mentioned the missing words and grammar in the earlier chapters and I'm working on revising. What I really want to know is perhaps some flaws in my plot, or maybe the "Mary-sue"ness of a OC and also how content they are so far, anything to be more general. I also want some advice on attracting new readers and reviewers, although I do get a decent amount of readers for each new chapter, about 10-20. But I want a bit more, so thank you all who are willing to help in advance!3/29/2012 #368
Title: Fox and wolf : eternal love
Summary: It is a erotic adventure beetwen fox and wolf.
Help: What you cn help me with.
not done with it ye3/31/2012 . Edited 3/31/2012 #369
Title: Fade To Black
Summary: Even the brutal life of a ninja couldn't prepare them for the terrors of war: genocide, violence, and exploitation.
Help: constructive criticism and how to get more reviews.3/31/2012 #370
Title:The Return Of Evan Bourne Fandom:Wrestling Rating:K Summary:Evan Bourne finally comes home. Link: http://m.fanfiction.net/s/7982226/1/ Help:I need help with the summary and over all I am unconfident in the story considering it is my first one on the website.4/2/2012 #371
Rating:T (for cursing)
Summary:This a story about an OC who just started to love One Piece and got transported to the anime badly enough his character is not the type who like to go trough pain or doing something that could endanger his life for that matter. Like it or not he still need to find a way to get back unfortunately for him. His not in his body anymore, his in one of the main character body (Luffy) and it's gender bend. The story even a bit different from the one he already know.
Help:I need someone who could help me out and give me a review on how I'm doing on the character progressing(meaning is my OC is flat or just plain boring and maybe some tips to help me out), grammar mistake, spelling error and any tips that could improve my writing skill. I admit my English is at the lowest because it's not my native language so I really need someone to help me.4/4/2012 #372
|Tamamo no Mae
Title:The red string of fate.
Fandom: One piece
Summary:It's said that two people connected by the red string are bound to be together, regardless of when, where or how they are going to meet. And sadly, no matter how much they tried break it, the string only stretched out or tangled but never broke. Shanks/OC
Help:I need to know if the summary is okay. Are there any grammatical mistakes in the summary? Does is sound irrelevant? or does it sound boring? and also is my story at least a little bit funny? please help.4/4/2012 #373
Title: General Howlett
Summary: Despite being a super hero himself, Logan knows that it's not only about chasing super villains. Evil has numbers of faces and when he begins to follow a girl who he feels is in trouble, he gets so far, he has to face the evil in himself...
Help: I wish there would be great contrast between the super hero fight and Logan's quest at hand (the girl). I also would like to write the parallel universe type story and twists well. Did I succeed? Or what is to write other way? Please help me with a review. Thanks!4/5/2012 . Edited 4/5/2012 #374
Summary:Reality is a typical girl living in Brooklyn-until she recieves powers on an ill-fated space flight. Now the bad guys want to get rid of her. Some more so than others...
Help:I don't know if the final battle lives up to what you think it would be like. Plus I have 0 reviews for all my stories, so I have no idea if people like them. Reality will eventually be put in a novel I'm writing, so any help will be greatly appreciated.
Here's an exercpt:
By now I am accustomed to pain, so I do not scream as loud as I had the first few times. Remembering the chart, Contagion is giving me faster reflexes and better physical endurance. Each operation lasts a little longer than the last, because Contagion has to keep giving me blood transfusions. After a couple of hours, the henchman carries me back to the upright chair. After hooking me back in, he leaves the room.
I quickly seize the opportunity and flex my fingers. I have not used my powers since my abduction, which was more than a few weeks ago, so using them will most likely drain me more than usual. I glance at the door and listen for any footsteps. Hearing none, I create a two-way camcorder. The flap that comes out of the side shows me the rooms my face is being broadcasted to. I only have enough strength to broadcast to two buildings, so I choose the Baxter Building and school. Everybody will be watching the playoffs, so that channel will be the best choice. I hit the on button and begin my announcement.
"Listen, if anybody knows the Baxter Building's phone number, call it and let the Fantastic Four know where I am," I start, out of breath. I notice the shocked looks on everybody's faces. My appearance must surprise them. My face, hair, and arms are coated in blood. My mask and costume are torn and are also covered with my body fluid. The midnight blue of my top and the blood red of my cape turn even darker. The trauma of the surgery and my hazy mind make my voice sound cracked. My bloodshot eyes practically shout, "I'm freaking out! Save me!" I continue, "Tell them they're hiding me in a shack near the New York border. They're giving me other hero's powers to make me a killing machine. They said they wanted a person with a strong enough mind, and that person is me. They give me drugs and almost bleed me to death. I'm scared. Please, save me! I'm dying! Please, help-" I cut off before I finish. The strain becomes too much, and I faint.4/6/2012 . Edited 4/13/2012 #375
Title: Phantom of Inferno
Fandom: High School Musical
Current Rating: T
Later Rating: M
Summary: Waking up in an abandoned room with no recollection of his former self, Troy Bolton vows to find out who he is—even if that knowledge kills him. What he discovers is more than he ever bargained for as he is thrown into a world full of drugs, sex, and death. How will he ever escape when 'escaping' is nowhere close to being an option? TROYELLA.
Help: I mostly need help with just scene change and character development. And I also want to know why I'm not getting reviews. Is it because it's absolutely boring or because it's an AU? If anything, I'd rather get PMs rather than forum replies if that's alright with everyone. I just want to know what I'm doing wrong since I've gotten hardly anything in the past couple of days and I'm feeling very discouraged with continuing this.4/7/2012 . Edited 4/16/2012 #376
Title: Can't Stop Loving You
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairing: Albus S. Potter/ OC
Summary: Al Potter falls in love with his long-time girlfriend, Aurora Malfoy. After he proposes to her, he finds out that she is in an arranged marriage. Can he convince Aurora to throw aside her marriage for their true love? Can their parents learn to look past their intolerance for one another and accept their children's love?
Help: I have been trying to work on adding more detail and personal thoughts to my story (as it is written in both Albus and Aurora's POV). Also, a lot of people have said I've been doing a good job of not making Aurora a total Mary-Sue (YAY!), but I could develop her personality a little more. She is one of my main characters, so I don't want people to be boored of her. Can any of you help me with that? Thanks! And since I believe in fairness, if you help me, I'll help you! :)4/7/2012 #377
Oh, and I also want to know why I'm not getting too many reviews. Thank you! :)4/7/2012 #378
Fandom: Dragon Ball Z
Rating: M for language and sexual themes. It has a bit of citrus; I, personally, wouldn't consider it too graphic.
Summary: Drama/Humour/Romace; I posted a summary: "Bulma gets abducted aboard Frieza's ship and has to spend the night with the uptight Prince Vegeta. This turns out to be a lot more troublesome for Vegeta and a lot more entertaining for Bulma. Someone will get their way by the end of the night. pre-DBZ"
It's set about 5 years before Dragon Ball Z takes place. Bulma's abducted to become one of the temporary mistresses for the crew members. Vegeta gets first pick out of the harem because of his royalty, but rarely picks anyone due to lack of interest in sex. Bulma wants to see the ship while she's there and Vegeta just wants to get the night over with. They both get more than anticipated.
Help: I'm pretty much done, but I need some pointers as to how the story flows or should flow. I'm new to this particular fandom, but I feel like no one's too OOC. Some have noted that Vegeta seems a little too soft though. I also feel that as I've grown older and grown used to social networking, my grammar has actually gotten worse.
Maybe I need some help with the story's structure and characterization, but I think the plot is fine... I'm not really good with elaborating detail either.
Your help is much appreciated!4/9/2012 #379
Title: If I Only Had a Heart
Fandom: Harry Potter
Rating: M, but there is no M contentyet
Summary: All was not well for Hermione Jean Granger-Weasley: her life was one misfortune after another. It all came back to one man: Voldemort. Hermione takes her life and the lives of her loved ones in her hands, but this time, Voldemort would be the one to pay.
Basically, Hermione Granger travels back into Tom Riddle's Hogwarts years to murder him before he could become the Dark Lord.
Help: Well, this is my first fanfiction, and although I have a fair number of readers, I cannot seem to snag any reviews. I just really want some feedback, good or bad, to help guide me in writing future chapters, because at the moment, I feel like I am writing blind.4/10/2012 . Edited 4/10/2012 #380
Title: Pokemon NTBA
Rating: T for language for language
Summary: Adventure/Action/Romance: The National Trainer Battle Academy is a place where rookie trainers of today are molded into the champions of tomorrow. Follow the story of Torrey, as he travels across the pokémon world while learning what it means to be a true pokémon trainer.
The story takes place after the Team Plasma event, N has left Unova and Ghetsis is nowhere to be found. A new academic program: NTBA has started and is acceptng e best rookie trainers from all over the world.
Help: I've just recently started posting stories on FFN and I could really use some pointers on my writing. I also need any advice you have for getting more reviews for my stories.4/10/2012 #381
Title; Lost; The Susan chronicals Book 1
Rating; k+ for now but might change in the next few chapters
Summary: It's a story about a collage girl named Susan shepard. She is different from most girls in the world, her closest friends could see it as they are diffrent from most people as well. But her and her 'brother' remains oblivois to this fact. One day, with events intersecting for them to be on the same flight, their plane crashed, on a island with 64 other surivoirs.
This takes place in the show 'lost',but with some changes, most notable is people with great power inside themself, to make it clearer. witches. It's have the flashback and many charatuers. This will cover the first season, and if i have time, do the other 5 seasons.
Help; This one is one of my longer ones. and with people from different shows inside. I do have some readers but i would really like to get advice of my writing with reviews and stuff. Oh please, help!4/10/2012 #382
Cossettely - I've added a review to your first chapter with some feedback and suggestions. Hope it helps.4/10/2012 #383
title: 100 prompts 100 words 100 drabbles
link: sorry im on DSi mobile,i cant. its the only story ive written cant be too hard to find :p
summary: Well the title really says it all,i took a challenge over at the HPFC forum to write a series of drabbles (less than 100 words each) a Harry/Luna fic
Help: Ok i know i have capitalization and few typo errors,no need to point those out as im going to edit them. I just needed to know how the 'flow' of the story is. And if you honestly like the sentance structure. Thankyou!4/12/2012 . Edited 4/12/2012 #384
I just read and reviewed your fourth chapter Nargles, I hope that this helps.4/12/2012 #385
Title: Welcome to my nightmare
Fandom: Young Justice
Rating: T for some blood and language
Summary: Artemis has a hard time keeping her secrets. Facing a failed assassination attempt by her own sibling Cheshire, her secret is bound to be exposed. But one day, she meets an old man who used to be a spy; a man who had a job keeping secrets. His experiences show how fatal keeping secrets can be. But it is up to Artemis to decide to keep hiding her secrets or not.
Help: So far I have numerous alerts but some reviews came up. I need a critique of the story so far. Besides grammar and punctual revisions, my recent chapter has a fight scene and this is my first one written. Any critique would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading this and have a good day!4/12/2012 . Edited 4/12/2012 #386
Summary: What if the worst came to pass with Rukia? Charcter death, some blood and intended sorrow- shouldn't this be M rated? First Bleach fic, just trying a darker theme...ONESHOT. Implied IchiRuki, Refined to please more readers.
Help: I've got a very low review count... what am I doing wrong? Is it writing style, grammar or just the content of the story? I need to know so that I can improve in the future.4/13/2012 #387
Oops, forgot to give a big thanks for any one who can help. Thank you!4/13/2012 #388
Title: Lois Griffin's Nymphomania
Rating: M. The sex is not very graphic like what you would see on adult fanfiction dot net. So I hope the rating doesn't discourage anyone from reading it.
Summary: Lois has a sex addiction that she must overcome.
Help: I would like to be more descriptive, I guess. I'm not really concerned about making the sex scenes graphic. I'm mainly concerned about describing the scenery and making it fun to read. The problem is I can't come up with things to say to capture the reader's imagination. My story gets hundreds of hits a month but has only 10 reviews. I think people are seeing the title and thinking it will be a good read but not getting sucked into the story.4/13/2012 #389
Title: Tales of a Flower
Fandoms:Harry Potter (Marauder Era-canon)
Rating:K+ for slight language
Summary: Lily always knew she was special and the day the man came changed her life forever and gave proof of the thing she knew since that day in the park.
Help: I'm not quiet confident in my sentence structures and keeping the characters true to the books. I'm trying to write them as pre-teens and still have that "Magical" feel without drama. I'd also really like constructive criticism on ways to vary my sentences and dialogue more. Thanks in advance if you take a peek at my story!4/13/2012 . Edited 4/29/2012 #390
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