Dante's Inferno
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Ichigo Pocky Chama

Have you ever gotten a review demanding you to update... but the story's already finished? Or a PM advertising their blog? Share your funniest reviews and PMs here.

8/17/2012 #1
Ebony Maria Brown

Someone kept sending me sexual abuse. That was weird.

8/18/2012 #2
XxxCathylovexxX

I've gotten PMs advertising RP as soon as I add a story.

8/18/2012 #3
KittyCabaret

People keep asking me to update my Joker/Harley fic even though its done...I'm considering giving in.

8/18/2012 #4
KageNoNeko

I have had a one-shot get a review asking for more and that tipped me off that I needed to mark the story complete. I had to tell the reviewer that I was filling in a gap in a specific canon because I knew that most of the people who write--and read--for my fandom doesn't read the manga version of the canon which is very long.

8/18/2012 #5
mandrakefunnyjuice

I can't help loving this review to my Did I Just Die?-thing, but it is about the weirdest one I have in stock: " [. . .] mailman ate your cat... Well, my cat's evil and has plans to take over the world with only himself, a mutated sea-cucumber and a tube of toothpaste. Goodness alone knows what the toothpaste's for. Once he's conquered all, he plans to repopulate the world with a crossbreed of himself and the cucumber... They will be known as catcumbers!"

It's the catcumber thing. It just got to me. Lolol

8/18/2012 . Edited 8/18/2012 #6
Ichigo Pocky Chama

I ROFLed at that one.

8/18/2012 #7
KageNoNeko

@mandrakefunnyjuice, that is a funny review.

8/18/2012 #8
Saber Wing

I've gotten tons of RP invites, and lots of trolls that I banned from here too.

8/18/2012 #9
Ichigo Pocky Chama

And I don't even roleplay, yet I'm just sick of the fact that when I go to the forum archive for my fandoms, they're ALL ROLEPLAYS. I was thinking, Seriously, where the hell can I just chat about it? Also, some RPs are private, usually with just two or three people. WHAT ARE PRIVATE MESSAGES FOR, PEOPLE!?

8/18/2012 #10
HeartMuses

I got a strange PM. The person asked me if I just came back from Coláiste Aodáin. I didn't reply...

8/21/2012 #11
Itisisodonotrunorhide

The first (and so far, only) review I've ever recieved for one of my stories was a spoiler to the Adventure Time episode "Lady & Peebles".

8/21/2012 #12
Ichigo Pocky Chama

I just got a PM that went a little like this:

Hi this is (name removed) i really need your help how do i make a storyeverybody hates me now plz your my only hope thanks

When I first read it I was like, "Da fuck?" But I'm generally a very nice person and just explained how to post a story. After all, this person sounded like a kid and I assumed they just read my profile and saw me as the right person to help. I'm waiting for a reply now.

8/22/2012 #13
otherrealmwriter

Just check out the reviews I have for Tak's Deadly Vengance and you will see why I now HATE that story.

8/22/2012 #14
Itisisodonotrunorhide

elliebronbron, author of "This Love is Real", kept sending me PMs for some reason. All of them started with 'Hon', and usually had a random "This Love is Real" chapter.

8/23/2012 #15
Robert Strand

I got this chain letter a long time ago. I deleted it, but I did respond to the sender about it. It was one of those if you kiss the nearest girl you love in the next day you will fall in love and blah blah blah... if you don't bad things will happen...

My reply back went something like this: Deal letter sender: I am now on trial of sexual assault and rape. I am looking at a 3 year prison sentance if convicted. All because of the advice of your stupid letter... I did kiss the nearest girl that I loved, unfortunately she mistook my kind intentions as rape.

in one hour i get a reply "I'm so sorry, it not be taken seriously, it just something funny."

Nah, I'm just jerking you around. I'm not really on trial. But seriously, never send me this garbage again.
8/24/2012 #16
Itisisodonotrunorhide

You know those "copy and paste into your profile" bits? Here's one of the oddest I found.

There's a 15 year old girl, and she wished that her dad would come home from the amry, because he'd been having problems with his heurt and write leg. It was 2:53 p.m . When she made her wish. At 4:07 p.m. (14 minutes later), the doorbell rang, and there her Dad was, lugage and all!!

I'm Katie and I'm 20 and I've been having trouble in my job and on the verge of quitting and shit. I made a simple wish that my boss would get a new job. That was at 1:35 and at 2:55 there was an announcement that he was promoted and was leaving for another DURRHERPPDURP. Believe me...this realy warks!

My name is Ann and I am a giant fat ass. I had always been single and had been hoping to get into a nice, loving relationship for many years. While kind of daydreaming (and right after receiving this email) I wished that a quality person would finally come into my life. That was at 9:10 AM on a Tuesday. At 8:55 AM a FedEx delivery man came into my office.He was cute, polite and could not stop smiling at me. He started coming back almost everyday (even without packages) and asked me out a week later. We married 6 minutes later and now have been happily married for over 9000 years.

What a great email it was!!11!111

Just scroll down to the end, but while you do, think of a wish. Make your wish when you have completed scrolling. Whatever age you are, is the number of minutes it will take for your wish to come true. ex.you are 25 years old, it will take %% minutes for your wish to come true).

Go for it!

SCROLL DOWN!

SOTP!

Congratulations! Your wish will now come turd in your age minutes.

Now follow this carefully...it can be very rewarding!

If you repost this within the next 5 minN. something major that you've been wanting will happen, or if you don't you will die.

This is scary!

The phone will rUng right after you

9/19/2012 #17
Myrddin le Fay

@otherrealmwriter: I think most of that Tak's Deadly vengeance's reviews are by the same person bugging you lol! The reviews are really quite funny when read together.

I can't remember any real funny reviews, but I think a few reviewers had almost been seriously injured during one extremely stupidly spoofy chapter for one of my stories once. I've heard the whole juice out of the nose. Heck, I was reading a story a while back and almost chocked on my drink.

9/22/2012 #18
KageNoNeko

I actually came across a story where all the reviews are anonymous and was two people who were role playing. Now I can see that this being a case for turning off anonymous reviews.

9/22/2012 #19
Lady Elizabeth of New York

I got a review that said:

Gay bitch.

It was anonymous so I have no idea why they said it.

9/26/2012 #20
Ichigo Pocky Chama

I think that's a troll, Elizabeth. Just delete it.

9/26/2012 #21
Lady Elizabeth of New York

And so I did. Still, those kind of reviews irk me.

Here's one a friend of mine got a long time ago. A little creepy, I think anyway.

Your stories are great. Have my babies please. Just tell me where you live.
9/26/2012 #22
Goddess of Amusement City

I've seen some homophobic reviews stating gay/lesbian fics should be rated M just because they're gay or lesbian fics even though they're just as tame as any 'straight' fics might be. By their twisted logic ALL relationship fics should be rated M.

9/27/2012 . Edited 9/27/2012 #23
KageNoNeko

I just remembered this creepy review I received on fictionpress from a signed reviewer.

I feel the same way however; you have an apology to make before we can be friends. I know you feel bad but you have to say it to me and if you can't do that then we might not be able to be friends anymore than me just reading your writings. You have frightened me. TERRIBLY. If you think you want something you can't just burry the past, you need to reconcile and you need to do that to me and God. You can't be my friend and abuse me by frightening me. (hacking into my computer and using information about me to coerce me into talking to you, or harassing me, or threatening me) you are dealing with a sexually abused person and you have no idea how I feel. I'm not lesbian. You know nothing about what I've gone through. You think because if a guy acted like this then he would be gay. I have been SEXUALLY ABUSED. You might not be able to handle me. I need someone who is sensitive.
9/27/2012 #24
Mach the Cynic

I got a PM where someone told me to f--k my mother.

9/27/2012 #25
Staligarde

I once got a PM asking if I liked di-k.

9/27/2012 #26
Robert Strand

Well do you?

9/27/2012 #27
KageNoNeko

I just received a guest review from someone that is badly spelled. Basically, they were attacking me instead of my writing because I happened to told them off about a One Direction fic. Also, I don't think they know anything about poetry based on what they were saying. I deleted their review, but here is the end of the review that is absolutely funny:

The only reason i am reviewing this is because i am defending that larry stylinson story you are reporting. i just have one qeuetion-why would you do that? You must be that one kid in school nobody likes because she reminds the teacher she forgot about the quiz or something. Maybe you should just mind your own buisness and fuck off. If you don't like it than don't read it; simple as that. I do reaize thier are mistakes in this review, but i'm not spell-checking it or wasting anymore of my damn time on a low-life loser like you-bye bitch:)
9/27/2012 #28
Zokolov

How could you know that you like it until you read it? I swear, some people... not to mention they didn't even have the gall to leave a signed review.

I once got a message telling me that I was a "motherf*cking faggot", which is an odd way to insult someone, 'cuz isn't that an oxymoron?

This is my usual response to the messages here:

9/28/2012 #29
prismdreams
I got a really obnoxious pm today from someone I never spoke to privately, basically dissecting every little thing I wrote in another forum. No compromise. Nothing I said she agreed with. She was pretty much supporting a trolls opinion on something I said about reviews. She dedicated 11 paragraphs to saying how wrong I was. Completely quoting what I said to defame me. It was wrong on all levels and she sounded to me like a bully.
10/5/2012 #30
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