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A series of interviews featuring my favourite pairing: Beatrice Kit Baudelaire and Bertrand Jacques Squalor. Bertie is an OC who is the son of Jerome Squalor and Justice Strauss.

7/9/2011 #1

1. Name.

Bea: Beatrice Kit Baudelaire

Bertie: Bertrand Jacques Squalor

2. Age?

Bea: I'm 18 years old.

Bertie: And I'm 16. 3.


Bea: I'm 5' 6'' tall.

Bertie: And I'm 6' 1''.

4. Weight?

Bea: I dunno. I'm not too conscious about my weight.

Bertie: Me, either.

5. Slim/athletic/average/fat?

Bea: A little on the slim side, even though I do eat a lot.

Bertie: Tall and thin, like my dad. Not very athletic.

6. How far can you run?

Bea: Hm, maybe about 500 yards?

Bertie: Perhaps, 1000 yards for me.

7. How far can you jump?

Bea: About a foot and a half, I think.

Bertie: Probably about two feet, for me.

8. How high can you jump?

Bea: Almost a foot in the air, I think.

Bertie: Probably a little over a foot, for me.

9. How far can you swim?

Bea: I think about 100 yards.

Bertie: About 200 yards, for me.

10. Favorite sport.

Bea: Swimming and bicycling.

Bertie: Same for me. Not too much into competitive sports.

11. Football or basketball?

Bea: Uh, neither.

Bertie: Same here.

12. Do you want to be a sportsman?

Bea: Hm, not especially.

Bertie: Me, either.

7/9/2011 . Edited 7/9/2011 #2

First thing's first: What's your name?

Bea: Beatrice Kit Baudelaire

Bertie: Bertrand Jacques Squalor

When were you born?

Bea: May 1 of 1982

Bertie: November 10 of 1983

Where's your hometown?

Bea: Hill Valley, California.

Bertie: Yeap, grew up there.

How tall are you?

Bea: I'm 5' 6'' tall.

Bertie: And I'm 6' 1'' tall.

What color are you eyes?

Bea: Bertie has lovely blue eyes.

Bertie: And Bea has gorgeous green eyes.

What color is your hair?

Bea: Bertie's is a nice ebony black.

Bertie: And Bea's is a very lovely auburn.

What's your ethnic background?

Bea: I'm English and French.

Bertie. English and German, for me.

What's your job?

Bea: I'm not currently employed.

Bertie: Same here.

Do you have a significant other? If so, who?

Bertie: Yeap, lovely Bea here. *places arm around Bea*

Bea: My darling Bertie. *snuggles up against Bertie.*

Do you have any kids?

Bea: Well, not yet.

Bertie: We're still a little young to have kids.

What are your political views?

Bea: Probably libertarian.

Bertie: Right, as far from authoritarian as you can get.

Bea: Well, without jeopardizing the safety and rights of the citizens.

Bertie: Well, yeah, true.

What's your religion?

Bea: I belong to the Church of Heavy Metal.

Bertie: So do I. Well, actually, it doesn't yet exist - but it really should.

Bertie and Bea: Power Be to the Metal! *does horns sign with hands*

What's your favorite food?

Bertie: bacon cheeseburgers

Bea: Ditto that - and, also, just BLTs.

Bertie: Yea, BLTs are also nice.

What music do you like?

Bea: Heavy metal and hard rock.

Bertie: Yeap, anything that has a heavy riff.

What's your favorite movie?

Bea: Edward Scissorshands

Bertie: Yeah, it's a great movie. A metal soundtrack would make it even cooler, though.

Bea: I agree!

What's your favorite TV show?

Bea: Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

Bertie: And Angel.

What's your favorite book?

Bea: Anything on bats or heavy metal.

Bertie: Mostly, I read metal magazines.

What's your favorite color?

Bea: I like lavender and pink. Yes, I know - for being a huge metal head, I am quite feminine.

Bertie: If you mix pink with black, it can create a nice metal atmosphere.

Bea: True.

Who is your celebrity look alike?

Bea: That I don't know.

Bertie: Dimebag Darrel of Pantera! Just kidding! Actually, I look a lot like Crispin Glover.

Have you ever been out of the country?If so, where?

Bertie: Not yet - but I'd like to visit England and Germany. The latter really is known for their heavy metal.

Bea: I've spent some time in Canada and England. I haven't been to Germany, yet.

Last question: Would you eat a beating heart of a serpent for $10,000?

Bea: *giggles* What?

Bertie: *chuckles* Repeat that, please?

Would you eat a beating heart of a serpent for $10,000?

Bertie: *still chuckling* No, but I think it would make a great album cover for a heavy metal album.

Bea: *still giggling* Yeah, as Bertie said.

7/9/2011 . Edited 7/9/2011 #3

1. Name?

Bea: Beatrice Kit Baudelaire

Bertie: Bertrand Jacques Squalor

2. Age?

Bea: I'm 18.

Bertie: And I'm 16.

3. Favorite genre of music?

Bea: hard rock and heavy metal

Bertie: Yeap! *does the horns sign with his hand*

4. Least favorite genre of music?

Bea: rap, pop, country, classical, opera (except for Yma Sumac, who did a psychedelic rock album in 1971), and R&B. Basically, anything that doesn't rock.

Bertie: Agreed!

5. Favorite singer/band?

Bea: That's a tough one. I like so many of them. Well, I'll go with Alice In Chains.

Bertie: Pantera for me, although I do like Alice In Chains.

Bea: Pantera is good, too.

6. Unfavorite singer/band?

Bea: Since it'd be quite redundant to pick my least favourite bands or artists from my least favourite genres - I'll pick my least favourite from my favourite genre. Pink Floyd, which barely even qualifies as hard rock - but, yet, hard rock stations feel the need to play them.

Bertie: Yeah, not a Floyd fan myself. Maybe I'd go with Alice Cooper. Aside from Poison, his music just irritates the hell out of me.

Bea: Yeah, not big on Cooper myself.

7. Favorite song?

Bea: That's a tough one. I'll go with Grind by Alice In Chains.

Bertie: I think I'll go with Walk by Pantera.

8. Unfavorite song?

Bea: Again, since any other way is redundant, I'll pick my least favourite from my favourite band. I don't care much for Alice In Chains' Nutshell. It's just too depressing.

Bertie: Since there are no songs by Pantera that I dislike - I'll pick one from my second favourite band, Metallica. It would be Nothing Else Matters. Not too big on ballads.

9. Which song do you want to be played on your funeral?

Bea: Oh, please, let's not get into that.

Bertie: Maybe Planet Caravan by Pantera. That song is nice and atmospheric.

10.Which song makes you cry?

Bea: Over the Hills and Far Away by Led Zeppelin and Everlong by Foo Fighters.

Bertie: Cemetery Gates, Floods, and Hollow all do. They're all by Pantera.

11. Which song cheers you up?

Bea: Them Bones by Alice In Chains. Okay, maybe the lyrics aren't very positive - but I don't pay attention to them, anyway. The music really pumps me up, though.

Bertie: Again, Walk by Pantera.

12. Do you ever prefer silence to music?

Bea: Not usually. I even usually sleep with the music on.

Bertie: Yeap, same here.

13. Have you ever listened to music in the toilet?

Bea: Well, usually, I can hear the music from the living room.

Bertie: Right, but bedroom for me.

14. Have you ever listened to music, sitting in the cupboard?

Bea: *giggles* I don't think I'd even fit in a cupboard.

Bertie: *chuckles* Yeah, I know I certainly wouldn't.

15. Which musician would you like to marry?

Bertie: None. Bea is for me. *places arm around Bea*

Bea: Right, there is no one else for me but Bertie. *snuggles up against Bertie*

16. Which musician would you like to kill?

Bea: What? Nobody. I'm not that kind of person.

Bertie: Yeah, me either.

17. Do you play an instrument?

Bea: Nope!

Bertie: I tried playing guitar, but I never got too good at it.

7/9/2011 #4

What is your full name?

Bea: Beatrice Kit Baudelaire

Bertie: Bertrand Jacques Squalor

What is your birth date?

Bea: May 1 of 1982

Bertie: November 10 of 1983

How old are you currently?

Bea: I'm 18.

Bertie: I'm 16.

What is your hair and eye colour?

Bea: I have red hair and green eyes

Bertie: I have black hair and blue eyes.

How tall are you?

Bea: I'm 5' 6'' tall.

Bertie: I'm 6' 1'' tall.

Do you have a significant other? If so, who?

Bea: Yeap, Bertie. He's right over here! *places arm around Bertie*

Bertie: That's right. I'm dating lovely Bea here!

What is your favourite genre of music? Also, what is your favourite artist or band?

Bea: I like heavy metal and hard rock. For now, I'd say my favourite band is Alice In Chains.

Bertie: Same as Bea - but I think I like Pantera, a little more.

Bea: As do I. And Metallica. As well as Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, Megadeth, and the list goes on.

Bertie: Right, they all rock!

Bertie and Bea: *does the horns sign*

Do you like Led Zeppelin? If so, what is your favourite song by them?

Bea: You bet! Hm, I think I like Communication Breakdown the best.

Bertie: Personally, I'd go with Nobody's Fault But Mine.

Bea: That's a good song, too. As well as The Ocean.

Bertie: Don't forget Over the Hills and Far Away.

Bea: *blushes* Oh, yeah, the song that sometimes makes me cry.

Do you like Foo Fighters? If so, what is your favourite song by them?

Bea: Most definitely! It's a toss-up between I'll Stick Around and This Is a Call.

Bertie: I think I like Breakout the best.

Bea: Yeah, that song also rocks. Then I also like My Hero - and, I have to admit, Everlong also sometimes makes me cry.

Bertie: And there's nothing wrong with that, Bea.

What is your favourite number?

Bea: For some reason, I was always quite fond of the number 4.

Bertie: It's 69 for me!

Bea: Aw, Bertie! *gives Bertie a playful slug*

What is your favourite word?

Bea: That's a tough one. Maybe "serendipity". It's a fun word to say.

Bertie: Mine is Pantera. Okay, it's a band's name - but I think it's about the best band name ever.

Do you like your name?

Bea: You bet! Not to brag, but I have a name to be proud of.

Bertie: Same here - although, I'm not too fond of my last name.

Have you ever wanted to change your name? Or did you?

Bea: I considered changing my last name to "Snicket", a few times - but then I would remember how much Violet, Klaus, and Sunny mean to me.

Bertie: I'll probably end up taking Bea's last name, when I get married.

Bea: Aw, that's so sweet!

Do you like the word "harmony"?

Bea: You bet! It sounds nice, and it also has a nice meaning.

Bertie: Ditto, but I'm not sure if it's a good name for a heavy metal band.

Bea: Well, it could work - if you add a darker word to the name.

Do you prefer sweet or savoury?

Bea: I have a bigger sweet tooth, but I also like savoury. I can't imagine having one with the other.

Bertie: Savoury has more an edge for me, but I de definitely like sweet.

Are you a chocolate lover?

Bea: Definitely!

Bertie: Well, I like most kinds of chocolate. I don't like German chocolate, though.

Bea: Oh, yeah, neither do I.

Bertie: and I don't like white chocolate.

Bea: Oh, that I do.

Bertie: It's not even real chocolate, y'know.

Bea: Yes, I know that - but I still like it.

Do you like fish or chicken - or both?

Bea: I love both, but fish gets a slighter edge.

Bertie: Chicken for me, but I do also like a beer-battered cod.

Have you ever had a grasshopper or a mint shake? If so, do you like them?

Bea: I'm not an alcohol drinker, but I really do fancy mint shakes.

Bertie: Same here - although I did sample a grasshopper, a few times. Say what you will about McDonald's, but it's hard to beat their shamrock shakes.

Bea: Yeah, they should be served year round.

Are your feet ticklish?

Bertie: Yeah, they are. My feet are extremely ticklish.

Bea: And so are mine.

Bertie: I really do love tickling her feet.

Bea: But, thankfully, I can get back at him.

Do you prefer picnics or barbecues?

Bea: Barbecues: I love barbecued chicken.

Bertie: Barbecued chicken is nice, but barbecued ribs are even better.

Bea: True that. And then grilled burgers, but without barbecue sauce.

Bertie: Agreed. I like my bacon cheeseburgers.

Bea: You and me both.

Would your idea of pleasure be doing something that is quiet and relaxing or doing something that is noisy and adrenaline-inducing?

Bea: It would depend on the mood I'm in.

Bertie: Yeah, both are pretty cool.

What would be your idea of a personal heaven?

Bea: Bertie and I together, with all our favourite music and favourite food.

Bertie: Same here, and lava lamps and incense.

Bea: Don't forget aromatherapy. Also, swimming and paint ball. That would be our heaven.

Bertie: It would be just perfect.

7/9/2011 . Edited 7/9/2011 #5

What are your names?

Bea: Beatrice Kit Baudelaire

Bertie: Bertrand Jacques Squalor

How old are you?

Bea: I'm 18 years old.

Bertie: And I'm 16.

Bea: I was held a year, and he was skipped ahead a year.

Bertie: But you're not dumb, Bea.

Bea: Aw, Bertie, thanks!

Bertie: Well, it's true.How long have you been together?

Bea: We'd been dating for about two months, now.

Bertie: Exactly two months. I plan to take to take you out on an two-month anniversary dinner.

Bea: Aw, thanks! But I've known him since the day that he came from from that hospital. Not that I remember the day, but still...

Any kids?

Bea: Not yet!

Bertie: If we have a daughter, how about we name her Pantera?

Bea: Aw, Bertie! *gives Bertie a playful slug*

Ever been separated?

Bea: Not since we started dating, no.

Bertie: And let's hope we never get involuntarily separated.

Bea: Well, the VFD is no more.

Bertie: Yes, they are. They're in the studio, recording a new album!

Bea: Not that VFD, silly. I meant the one that had a schism since 1965.

Bertie: Oh, right.

When was your first kiss?

Bea: Two months ago.

Bertie: From this exact date, in fact.

Where/When did you meet?

Bea: Well, I first met him at his mansion - when Quig and Vi had Jerome and Kathy watch me.

Bertie: No, I think Quig and Vi were watching me.

Bea: Well, maybe so. It's not like I'd remember.

Planning a wedding?

Bertie: Not yet! We were only dating for two months.

Bea: I would like a big wedding, though.

Describe the word 'love'.

Bea: Affection for your soul mate.

Bertie: Here! *He points to heart tattoo on his left arm, showing a pink heart with an arrow going through it. It has the initials BB on it.*

Bea: It's cute!

7/9/2011 #6
Phish Tacko

Shit, woman, did I really miss that much while I was gone?

7/9/2011 #7
Colette The Princess of Freaks
Oh, V.F.D., how pleasant that you didn't forget my musical interview thread!
9/6/2011 #8
Phish Tacko

I forget what this topic is about.

9/6/2011 #9
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