The Sober Universe
This is the forum to discuss materials relating to the Sober Universe SU. The Sober Universe is the canon material excluding interviews, documentaries, and additional material from JKR.
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respitechristopher

Hey kids! A new challenge for us to play with!

The idea here is pretty simple: we need cliché ideas and scenes based on those ideas. Clichés can be tropes or memes that have been done to death, they can be overused plot-devices, or they can be one word that evokes giggles and rolled eyes from the fandom at large.

How it works: Simply throw an idea up on the board. Then someone else (or maybe you) will come behind you and write a 100-750 word scene that skewers that cliché. If you absolutely, positively can't keep it down to 750 words, break it up into two posts - 'cause we're really not supposed to post stories up on the boards. (Hooray for anarchist mods!)

Clear as mud? We're not looking for polished, beta-ed stuff here. We're looking for cheap lulz at the expense of bad fanfiction. So bring the lulz!

1/20/2009 . Edited by ToManyLetters, 2/4/2011 #1
WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

Right . . . remind me never to come up with any more ideas. Ever again. ;-)

Maybe I'll get the ball rolling? I'm not sure if I can write anything, though, until later this evening.

Idea: Draco as a half-Veela.

*cringe*

1/20/2009 #2
NickyFox13

Hermione is secretly a pureblood.

1/20/2009 #3
respitechristopher

Lord Potter-Black.

And for those of you who don't read those kinds of stories, here's what I mean:

In the summer between 5th and 6th year (which is when these stories *always* take place), Harry is invited to the reading of Sirius's will. In that reading, two things happen. 1) Sirius posthumously adopts Harry. 2) Sirius provides for Harry's emancipation. The adoption makes Harry heir to the House of Black, and the emancipation brings Harry into his own as Lord of the House of Potter. There is almost always some kind of subterfuge going around Dumbledore, and Harry is the only Human in whom the Goblins have any trust. Extra points are given for cruel and unusual ways in which the Malfoys are disenfranchised.

1/21/2009 #4
Sara Winters

I might write something in here later, but...

The Room of Requirement is the worst kept secret in Hogwarts. Everyone knows where it is and how to get in (and the proper uses for the room) except the professors and Filch.

1/22/2009 #5
Sara Winters

Idea: Draco as a half-Veela.

*cringe*

Do not cringe. Embrace. Objectified.

(Yes, Christopher, this is the first draft, no beta, had to post before I could chicken out version.)

1/23/2009 #6
respitechristopher

Issues, Sara. You haz dem. But in a good way that brings us lots of happy fanfiction.

(holy crap that was odd. And strangely alluring...)

1/24/2009 #7
Sara Winters

Issues, Sara. You haz dem.

Me? I'm an innocent. It's not my fault the only thing Draco could fall in love with is a mirror.

And I don't get why the story is disturbing.

1/24/2009 . Edited 1/24/2009 #8
c.moonlight

I'm new here but I'd like to throw an idea on the table.

Hermoine is forced to marry Lucius Malfoy because of the Continution Act. An that requires the marriage of pure bloods and those of a less pristine ancestory in light of the wizarding worlds dwindling numbers.

Whew! Try saying that five times fast.

1/25/2009 #9
Moon Hound Hati

Hermoine is forced to marry Lucius Malfoy because of the Continution Act. An that requires the marriage of pure bloods and those of a less pristine ancestory in light of the wizarding worlds dwindling numbers.

You mean like a marriage contract? Which is also one of those done to death cliches in the HP section.

Here's another big cliche that should be made fun of:

Dead characters coming back to life.

1/25/2009 #10
respitechristopher

You mean like a marriage contract? Which is also one of those done to death cliches in the HP section.

Here's another big cliche that should be made fun of:

Dead characters coming back to life.

I'm on it.

1/25/2009 #11
respitechristopher

Done and done. Hermione Granger and the Marriage Contract.

Read, be amazed, review...

1/25/2009 #12
Bad Mum

Read, be amazed, review...

Check. Check. And check.

1/25/2009 #13
Rita Arabella Black

Okay, try this:

Harry is actually Lord Voldemort's son because Lily was impregnated by Voldemort on polyjuice potion. Lily and James weren't killed by Voldemort, it was a weird murder/suicide pact, when they found out the truth but Harry couldn't be killed because he was protected by Voldemort.

1/30/2009 #14
Sara Winters

I meant to post in here eons ago, but clean forgot until a reviewer made me think of it the other day. I haven't read too many of these, but I hear they're common enough. Hermione who is too smart for her own good, Ginny who is friendly with just about any boy she can get her hands (and other things) on and a conspiracy against the naive Harry. Behold: Planning for the Future.

2/20/2009 #15
WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

Mmm . . . MPREG!

Hermione desperately flipped through her personal copy of Moste Potente Potions, 51st Edition. However, given this current situation, trying to find a solution to Ron's horrifying problem while trying to not laugh, was proving difficult.

"Hermione!"

"Can it Ron! I'm trying." Unfortunately, her voice cracked.

"Are you laughing at me?"

"What?!" Her head shot up, and she forced herself to give him an offended expression. "Of c-course I'm not--"

She paused--and she doubled over, laughing harder than she had ever had in her entire life.

"Get it all out of your system, Granger," Ron said with a dark voice. "But help me while you're losing it."

"Oh, stop it, Ronald." Hermione wiped her eyes. "Really, you've been goading Snape so much lately, that, well . . ."

"What? You think I had it coming, don't you?"

Hermione slammed the book shut. "There's nothing in here, and most Healing books say this phenomena simply isn't possible."

Ron gestured wildly at his large belly. "LOOK AT ME!! I'd say this is hell of a lot more than possible. It's effin' reality, it is!"

"But I've never seen actual documentation of spontaneous full-term male pregnancy. I mean, Snape had to have spiked your pumpkin juice with some strange concoction. The only problem is that he'll have to have the antidote." Hermione rubbed her chin. "Hmm . . . maybe it's some sort of opposing solution to the Pregnancy Prevention Potion."

Ron rubbed his upper chest. "Godric, I've got breasts! Ahh! And they're hard too!" He flicked at them. "It's like I'm walking around with two Quaffles underneath my shirt."

Hermione gave him a sympathetic look.

"And my feet are swollen! And they hurt!" he whinged.

She shook her head.

"I'm hungry."

"When are you not hungry?"

"Well, I'm always hungry. But I've also never craved pickles and sardines with ice cream before."

Hermione stuck her tongue out and gagged. She looked around her pile of books and snatched one on her far left. "Here," she said as she tossed it to him.

Ron read the title and he turned a pair of furious blue eyes on his friend. "The Magic of Pregnancy?" His nostrils flared as a cheeky grin spread across Hermione's face. She reached over and touched his forearm.

"Ron," she said, trying to keep her face serious, "just know you won't h-have to go through this alone." And then she broke into hysterics as Ron wept in his hands.

2/20/2009 . Edited 2/20/2009 #16
Sara Winters

LOL Oh, I wonder who the child will take after.

2/20/2009 #17
WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

As much as I adore Ron, it would be aces if he ended up with a little Snape.

I also think that Fred and George would do anything and everything to prevent Hermione from finding a solution to Ron's growing problem.

2/20/2009 #18
respitechristopher

Spontaneous Full-Term MPreg?

That is the coolest thing ever. And good choice in Ron, too, as having Harry with a bun in the oven would turn into emo-fest.

2/20/2009 #19
WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

That is the coolest thing ever.

Right . . . so expect that to be added into DG7YFH in the next chapter: "Michael Corner wakes up one morning, dazed and confused when he realized he was in his third trimester . . ."

Oh, please don't feed my rabid muse. Emo!Pregnant!Harry sounds too horrible to not write.

And I actually started on a semi-decent Harry/Draco story the other day . . . when it descended into the hellish depths of Harry carrying Draco's bebeh. *cringe*

2/20/2009 . Edited 2/20/2009 #20
Bad Mum

The thing that really really bugs me in MPreg stories is - where the hell does the baby come out? (Presumably the same way it got in, but...)

2/20/2009 #21
respitechristopher

"Michael Corner wakes up one morning, dazed and confused when he realized he was in his third trimester . . ."

But if it's not Daphne's baby, you're going to have some 'splainin to do.

2/20/2009 #22
WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

But if it's not Daphne's baby, you're going to have some 'splainin to do.

All I have to say is Morag's a s.lut. ;-)

See, I just can't see the mpreg thing. I mean, these are humans, not seahorses.

And yes, wherever that baby comes out of, it's not going to feel good at all.

2/20/2009 #23
Bad Mum

And yes, wherever that baby comes out of, it's not going to feel good at all.

Well, I guess it's about time the men got a taste of that.

2/20/2009 #24
Rita Arabella Black

And yes, wherever that baby comes out of, it's not going to feel good at all.

I guess you could always "Twilight" the kid out, you know eat his way out.

2/20/2009 #25
WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

you know eat his way out.

NOM NOM NOM!!!!

I CAN HAS WOMB!!!!

You know when Breaking Dawn comes out, there's gonna be a thousand screencaps of that scene with that caption being churned out.

2/20/2009 #26
respitechristopher

You know when Breaking Dawn comes out, there's gonna be a thousand screencaps of that scene with that caption being churned out.

Kind of like the "Bella's Uterus" doll?

2/20/2009 #27
Sara Winters

In the summer between 5th and 6th year (which is when these stories *always* take place), Harry is invited to the reading of Sirius's will. In that reading, two things happen. 1) Sirius posthumously adopts Harry. 2) Sirius provides for Harry's emancipation. The adoption makes Harry heir to the House of Black, and the emancipation brings Harry into his own as Lord of the House of Potter. There is almost always some kind of subterfuge going around Dumbledore, and Harry is the only Human in whom the Goblins have any trust. Extra points are given for cruel and unusual ways in which the Malfoys are disenfranchised.

Harry is actually Lord Voldemort's son because Lily was impregnated by Voldemort on polyjuice potion. Lily and James weren't killed by Voldemort, it was a weird murder/suicide pact, when they found out the truth but Harry couldn't be killed because he was protected by Voldemort.

I wrote the bastard child of these two ideas. Fortunate Son. Those with weak stomachs or lacking a (disturbed) funny bone need not apply.

2/20/2009 #28
Sara Winters

New one!

(Shameless author self insert character) saves the life of/gets (story character) to fall in love with him/her. Mad hot monkey sex may follow. Other students seeing the absolute magnificence of this character and/or being scared/jealous of his/her awesomeness a bonus.

4/26/2009 #29
respitechristopher

(Shameless author self insert character) saves the life of/gets (story character) to fall in love with him/her. Mad hot monkey sex may follow. Other students seeing the absolute magnificence of this character and/or being scared/jealous of his/her awesomeness a bonus.

Uh-huh. Got it.

-------------------------------

Harry was disturbed by the haste with which Mr Slughorn retreated back into the mess of his abode. But he was even more disturbed with the prospect of having to explain to Dumbledore how he had failed.

"Professor, I - I mean, he - "

"That's quite alright now, Harry. It was not an easy assignment I gave you, but then again, the most important ones rarely are," the kindly Headmaster cut off his young charge. "We'll make do, I assure you."

"But how, sir? How will you ever find someone who could take the place of a former Hogwarts professor?"

"Never you mind that, Harry. I think I know of just the person who could help you - er, I mean, help Hogwarts in her hour of need," Dumbledore replied, a mischievous glint eerily visible in his eye. "Just hold on tight, young man. This could be a bumpy ride."

Later that afternoon, Harry explained the odd things he'd seen to Ron up in the twins' room.

"Oh, it was brilliant!" he exclaimed. "First we apparated all the way to California. Then we found the new professor on board this large grey ship. You wouldn't have told that he was a wizard or anything, Ron. He just had the one stripe on his arm, and some coffee and a cigarette like everyone else. Then Dumbledore -"

"That's Professor Dumbledore, Harry. Honestly, boys. You ought to know better." Hermione took a seat next to Ron, while Ginny - who had followed her upstairs - sat down next to Harry. "Now," Hermione continued, "unless you're talking about that tall drink of water that's monopolizing Molly, Tonks and Fleur's time downstairs, this conversation has no relevance to my life today, and as a girl I demand you change the subject now." Hermione punctuated this outburst with a rather self-satisfied huff, which Ginny mimicked.

"Well I am certainly glad that that is precisely what I was talking about, because it certainly would have been awkward for me to have to explain exactly why you can't just order me and Ron around like that like you can other boys. But no need - I'll just continue. Anyway, so Dumbledore whispers something in his ear, and all of a sudden there's a great glow of magic around him - right there on the smoking deck, mind! - and the new professor gets an evil grin on his face. Dumbledore hands him a wand, and that's when things really start to get odd!" Harry took a deep breath while considering how best to describe his adventures in California.

4/27/2009 #30
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