The Sober Universe
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Molly harrumphed loudly as the mystery Professor and Tonks Apparated away. “Well, if I'd been able to blow my tits up to the size of cantaloupe, maybe he'd have spent the night here, instead. Honestly!

“What's that about cantaloupe, love? Did I just miss pudding?” Arthur Weasley asked upon crossing the Burrow's threshold. “And who was that gentleman Tonks was hanging all over?”

“Oh Arthur,” Molly replied, “Did you see that spectacle all the way from the garden?”

“Enlarge your bosoms to the size of footballs and I'll see them from there, too,” Arthur quipped, then swatted his wife playfully on her rear.

“Arthur, not in front of the children!” Molly giggled, nodding towards the Golden Trio Plus One.

“Come now, Mollywobbles. You know quite well that Ronald's no stranger to a swat on the bum. Just ask Harry.”

“Da-ad!” Ginny whinged, not wanting any part of this conversation.

“Oh, honestly, Ginny," Arthur continued, "they're the only three in their year who wouldn't be able to say the same about you.”

The kitchen went silent watching a blush bloom across Hermione's face. Ginny dropped her forehead onto the kitchen table.

"Right. The only two, then."

“Oh, Ginevra,” Molly said, holding the bridge of her nose with two fingers, “why can't you just be like every other witch in Europe and only have one boyfriend through school? I met your father in fourth year, after all.”

1/16/2010 . Edited 1/17/2010 #61
Sara Winters

“Oh, honestly, Ginny. They're the only three in their year who wouldn't be able to say the same about you.”

LMAO You know I love you, right?

1/16/2010 #62
Bad Mum

OOh, i'd forgotten all about this. Love it!

1/17/2010 #63


Hermione travels back in time, she falls in love with Sirius and when he goes into the Veil, she devises a plan to rescue him. The veil is the oppisite of Azkaban (trapped in happy memories) and Sirius reflects on his time with her when she was back in time. After Hermione pulls him out of the veil, they fall in love.

1/17/2010 #64
Bad Mum

I thought that was what you were thinking of writing, Dejsha?

1/17/2010 #65

I am, but if I ever forget about it, and if anyone wants to try (I don't think I'll do it justice).

1/17/2010 #66

Hermione made sure to knock and wait a couple of moments before entering Ron's room. As things among the trio were rather out in the open now, she'd just as well have stayed in Ginny's room, but this was a mystery, so she reckoned she'd better grab Shaggy and Scooby and figure things out. She also reckoned that her recent tacit admission of a fling with Ginny made her the Thelma of the group, which caused her to shudder and swear off the color orange forever.

"I'm coming in," she shouted. "Are you boys decent in there?"

Well, no. No they weren't. But they were sixteen-year-old boys, so blowing farts with their armpits while running around in their pyjama bottoms would have to do. This came to an immediate stop when she opened the door, as Ron began to stare her ominously.

"Ron," Hermione asked, warily. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"You..." he stuttered, "Ginny... You..."

"Yes, very well, we were all down there. But with Harry buggering you like a randy shepherd, I'd've thought you'd have no problem with it."

"You..." Ron continued. "Ginny..."

"Harry?" Hermione asked. "A little help here?"

"Well, I think Ron's a bit confused," Harry answered. "He's sworn, as an older brother in an anachronistically patriarchal society, to avenge anyone who'd sully his baby sister's honor." Harry mimed air-quotes around the last word.

"But that's half the school!" Hermione exclaimed. "There's a reason her nickname is 'Cleansweep Weasley'."

"Sure. But as long as he doesn't hear about names, there's really nothing he can do. Anyway, so he really wants to defend Ginny, but his mum'd have kittens if he hexed a girl."

"That's ridiculous. We're about equal duelers; who comes up with this nonsense, anyway?"

"I'm as lost as you are, Hermione," Harry answered. "Just throw him a bone and tell him you won't do anything to hurt her, okay?"

"For goodness sake, Harry. Must I really? It was a one-time thing; I just helped her toss one off behind the - "

"That's enough detail there. A bit much actually. Just talk to the boy, 'Mione - he's nearly worked himself into a trance!"

Hermione did manage to settle Ron down a bit, telling him she only had Ginny's best interests at heart. This calmed things down for a moment, at least, and it was time to crack a mystery once again.

"Right," she said, sitting down on Ron's bed. "Let's take a look at what we have, shall we? A t-shirt with a mysterious - good lord, Ronald. Was that you?"

Ron made a noise somewhere between a snort and a chortle. "I think, Hermione, that she who smelt it, dealt it." This sent Harry into hysterics.

"Okay Ron," he said. "Then he who denied it, supplied it." This sent Ron into hysterics, too, and Hermione waited a good moment or two before sending a reducto at Ron's desk chair.

"Wicked," Ron exclaimed. "We needed some kindling to warm the house."

"Right. Now that I have your attention, we need to get to the matter at hand. First, who is this gorgeous hunk of - ahem, I mean - who is this new DADA professor that Dumbledore's found. So far, we know two things about him. First, the t-shirt. Ron, I need you to find out who Ramone is, and why the Professor is wearing his or her shirt. Secondly, Harry. Try to remember as much as you can about your trip to California, and write everything down."

"It'd be a bit easier if I had a pensieve. Wait - Ron, does your family have a pensieve I could use?"

"Harry, are you honestly asking the poorest family in all of Wizarding England if we have a pensieve? An object so rare and valuable, that if we sold it, Ginny and I could eat and have new clothes every year?"

Harry looked away sheepishly. "Stupid question, I know, but - "

"Of course we do, mate!" Ron cut in with a jovial slap on the shoulder. "I'll ask Mum in the morning - think she keeps it in the root cellar or something."

"Wicked!" Harry exclaimed.

Hermione, however, had more pressing things on her mind. "Right. Now that that's sorted, I think I should be getting back downstairs. There were a few things I was hoping Ginny could help me go over... 'Night, boys!" she said, running out the door ducking Ron's hexes.

3/22/2010 #67
Sara Winters

Yay, my favorite is back!

"There's a reason her nickname is 'Cleansweep Weasley'."

I think evil may be your strong suit.

But 'Mione? Headache-inducing.

And yes, I laughed about the pensieve. A lot. When will Harry put his magical trunk of doom to use? What? You say he doesn't have one. I think that calls for a shopping trip. Of course, he'll need obscene amounts of money for that. Hm.

3/22/2010 #68

"There's a reason her nickname is 'Cleansweep Weasley'."

I think evil may be your strong suit.

I'm thinking of giving her a t-shirt that says "Save a broom - ride a chaser."

3/22/2010 #69
Sara Winters

Aw. I have a similar idea for my Twilight thingie. Renesmee giving Hermione a LUG shirt.

3/22/2010 #70

Renesmee giving Hermione a LUG shirt.

Great minds, and all. I nearly had Hermione saying something like "Well, until the leaving feast, at most. It's not as though I'd do something like that outside of Hogwarts."

But then I thought Catatonic!Patriarchal!Ron would be crackier and funnier.

3/22/2010 #71

I'm thinking of giving her a t-shirt that says "Save a broom - ride a chaser."

Not gonna lie but I would so buy that shirt.

3/22/2010 #72

I'm just going to nonchalantly ignore the context of that t-shirt and say "Yeah, I could make a killing at HP Cons with that, if I knew how to do such things..."

3/22/2010 #73
Bad Mum

Christopher, you are an evil genius.

I can't decide if Ilike Cleansweep Weasley or the Pensieve comment more...

3/22/2010 #74

Christopher, you are an evil genius.

Comme nous roulons.

I can't decide if Ilike Cleansweep Weasley or the Pensieve comment more...

I'm partial to Cleansweep Weasley, personally. The Pensieve thing was a bit of a throwaway, but it will allow me to run no small amount of mammarial humor in the next bits. 'Cause it's a classy story like that.

3/24/2010 #75
Bad Mum

Classy is cool ;-)

3/24/2010 #76
Josephine Stone

The thing that really bothers me about it is how people write it. They are wizards, they can transform into different genders (Crabbe and Goyle in book 6) and use pollijuice for extended amounts of time (Mad Eye book 5). They have wizard's space (the tents in book 4) and even if the magic was not suppose to work on humans it can (Harry was horcrux.)

So there are two ways that I could see them realistically doing this. Just be a girl for nine months. The older you get the faster time goes. To us 25 years olds nine months goes in a flash. I've had a baby, it went really quickly and it really was not that painful carrying nor difficult. People will go through a lot to have children it would not be impossible to do this in their world. Though I really hate it when with two men they go through all that detail about him being pregnant. Being pregnant is a beautiful wonderful experience, but it is also pretty gross to think about.

The second way, which is how I plan to write it. Is that no one can tell he is pregnant, he doesn't get fat or sick (he'll have potions for that). But I'd still make him emotional. Just use wizard's space inside of him. How did he get pregnant? Some kind of magic a spell or a potion that takes DNA from both people and creates a womb inside him. I can't see a man getting huge and supporting that type of weight. Their bodies just would not be able to handle it. With wizard's space and magic he would not have to experience that. But he could still feel the baby and all that cute stuff about being pregnant.

How does it come out?

1. If he's a girl well...

2. Cut it out (that's how I have to have all of mine. For reference you can have up to six c-sections.)

3. Magic.

"Healer what are you doing?"

"Just a little forced apparate spell, don't worry I do this all time."


"Yes, homosexuality is uncommonly high in the wizarding community."


"Muggles it is only about 10%, but wizards its more like 37%. Since we have the means lots of men have babies!"

Oh then I read this one brilliant idea where he wrote that they made cauldron babies. Nine months forming in a cauldron like a potion. Okay I hope that helps you not hate mpreg so much.

4/3/2010 #77
Josephine Stone

Sorry I was replying to someone else post, but I don't know how to quote it. How do I do that? For future reference so that you'll know what I'm talking about.

4/3/2010 #78
Sara Winters

You copy and paste what you'd like to quote from that person. At the top of the post form, there's a drop down box named "Styles." Highlight the text. Under "styles" select "quote." Done. If you plan on writing something after the quote, allow for some space or your entire post will be quotes. If that happens, you can select the part you don't want to be quoted and unselect it using the drop down menu.

4/3/2010 #79

Josephine, that's horribly and unnaturally twisted and evil.

Congratulations. Pull it off, and you win the Internet.

4/3/2010 #80

Keepin' it classy...

Meanwhile, back at Tonks's swinging Bachelorette pad in Muggle London...

Tonks and the Mystery Professor collapsed for the eighteenth or so time (they'd long since lost count) onto the mattress on Tonks's bed awash in sweat and whatever passed for morning sunlight in London.

"Jesus Holy-Rolling Christ on a pogo stick, Tonks! Where did you learn how to do that thing with your...? I mean... Wow." The Mystery Professor exclaimed, sporting nothing but a big smile. "We should really get out of bed, though, shouldn't we? It must be 10am at least."

"Mrrmfph... Try 10am on Tuesday. 64 straight hours of indoor Quidditch, and even a metamorphmagus needs to rest her muscles," Tonks replied, sleepily. "But it's your... third? day in London, so I suppose you'd like to see the city?"

"Well, yes. That and we're going to need to eat sooner or later, I suppose. Okay, up and at 'em. I might be magic, but you know I can't conjure supper!" The professor gave Tonks a playful swat on her behind. She grumbled a little, wiped some sleep from her eyes, and began to climb out of bed. She got as far as one foot on the floor before giving up and falling backwards onto the mattress.

"Can't. Move. Legs hurt too much," she moaned, and laid on her back looking at the ceiling. The Professor had a look of concern on his face.

"Oh dear. Where does it hurt, Tonks?"

"Hammies. Both of 'em. Oh, and my shoulders, from being tied to the - Oh, just give me a moment, I'll be fine."

The Professor climbed back onto the bed. "Here, spin over," he said, rolling Tonks onto her stomach. "Let me take care of that for you." As he began to massage her back, Tonks tried to stopped him.

"Wait - that's - ooh, that's just lovely. But it's really not a good idea. We'll never get out of here if you keep - oh my - doing that."

"Yes we will. And you'll feel better for it, too. Here..." And the mystery professor continued on down to the backs of her thighs; Tonks's protestations sounding more and more like greatful moans of relief from the muscle ache as he went along. About five minutes later, she rolled back over and sat up, facing him.

"Merlin's taint, that feels so much better. Let's - " Tonks stopped a moment, having given the Professor a good look.

"Are you sure you're not a metamorphmagus, too?" she asked.

"Yeah, I think so. I mean, I'd know, right? Why d'you ask?"

Tonks smiled mischieviously. "No reason. But you know what? I think brekkie can wait another hour or so, don't you?" She didn't wait for a reply before pushing him back down onto the mattress.

4/12/2010 #81
Sara Winters

I'm a little jealous of their stamina. And their energy given the lack of food and water.

4/12/2010 #82

I know I'm late to the party, but I had to post this:

Fire & Ice. Particularly in reference to Draco and Ginny...

8/19/2010 #83
Sara Winters

*sigh* Still like to see this continued. [/anvil-sized hint]

1/3/2011 #84

The mattress creaked loudly as the Mystery Professor's head rested against the pillow. As he did so, he pulled from his trouser pocket a small, silvery device with a red button on one end. At first glance, Tonks suspected it could have been a Deluminator, but was quickly surprised when, with a swift and desperate click, the Mystery Professor pressed the thin device against her forehead. It felt rather like someone was saucing her brains with a thick coat of jam. Her muscles tensed (so much for his wonderful massage), and her body feel to the side.

The Mystery Professor leapt to his feet and into a large, blue box with white text on its top. Unfortunately, because of the falling night, it was too dark to see anything but the letters P, O, and L. It made a series of roaring sounds, not terribly dissimilar from the sound of Muggle car motors, and vanished away.

"So much for that shag," Tonks said disappointedly. She scratched her forehead; with each stroke of her finger the colour of her hair became a shade darker. She was desperate for a good loving and being in America just wasn't going to cut it. Wand in hand, she Disapparated, reappearing just outside of a fancy Muggle dwelling. She heard voices from within and elected to sneak in from the back.

Like a spy with twice her experience, she shuffled in through the rear entrance of the house, narrowly dodging eye contact from the older couple sitting together on the sofa, watching a large, glowing box. Because of Tonks' sudden omniscience, she recognised it instantly as a LED HD television - 72 inches, to be exact. She found herself secretly jealous, but her hormones kept her moving.

She crept up stairs and placed an ear on the door of the room that housed the only child of this particular residence. She was both shocked and amazed to hear the sounds of what she would swear later sounded exactly like absurdly intense love-making. Not wanting to be left out, she swung open the door, a big, happy smile on her face.


1/30/2011 #85

Well, there's the time-travel cliche, and the wrong-boy-who-lived which turns the Potters into Dursley clones.

8/30/2011 #86

How about Harry has had enough of Dumbledore's manipulations and has decided on running away. He has been betrayed by Hermione and the Weasley's and the only ones that are willing enough to help him are the Malfoy's or the Lovegoods. Extra points if you guy Harry and Draco together or Harry and Luna lol.

Another one is Harry was sentenced to Azkaban on a crime he didn't comit; now years later the Wizarding world needs his help. When Voldemort tells everybody what he did and how easily they all betrayed Harry will Harry help them or become dark himself?

Some of the stories are good but there are just so many of them with the same basic plot that it's ridiculous.

After the Potter's leave Harry in an orphange to better train the Boy-Who Lived Harry is adopted by somebody (Normally the Malfoy's) When Harry goes to Hogwarts will he be in Slytherin? And will he forgive his parents and brother?

Harry decides to run away from years of abuse by the Dursley's on the run he meets up with a dog who he later finds out to be Sirius Black.

Sirius Black falls into the veil but Harry falls in it with him. Together they are in a world where nothing is what it should be.

(I'm actually doing a story like this but it's still funny how many there are like this).

Harry somehow manages to get into the Marauder's era. He helps Dumbledore with the horexcruxes and tries to get the Marauders to get along with Severus Snape.

Neville Longbottom is the boy-who -lived not Harry. He has to be the one to defeat Voldemort and save the wizarding world.

Harry travels into a au world where his parents are alive, Sirius never went to Azkaban and he has a twin sister.

There are just so many Cliche's it's not even funny.

1/13/2012 #87
Black Rose Blue

Harry is anything but Lily or James's son. I'm fine with the girl!Harry fics about this, but Harry Harry fics bother me, espically since the books say that Harry looks just like James but has Lily eyes, which would be near impossible to happen if he wasn't one of their children. Also fics where girl!Harry is just like boy!Harry just called Harriet or Holly or something of that like. And Hufflepuff!Ron stories. I love Ron but he's not Hufflepuff material. I think that's everything so far. . . .

(I just discovered this forum and I'm already in love with it. :D)

6/4/2012 #88
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