A/N: Merry Christmas, guys! I love you! I gotta warn you though, there are minor spoilers if you haven't seen any of these movies.
These are the films AD watches (in the order that he watches them): Bambi, Sleeping Beauty, Peter Pan, Cinderella, Alice in Wonderland, The Aristocats, The Fox an the Hound, The Little Mermaid, The Lion King, Mulan, Tarzan and Fantasia.
It was the night of Christmas Eve, and all were sleeping, except for AD. He was up on the computer, talking to his hoes. They asked him to watch Disney, he said, "Lol noes." They begged and they pleaded, all being Disney fanatics, 'till finally he agreed, or risk being put in the attic. With a sigh, he found an old VCR. And he asked, "Why do I have this? I could pawn it and get a guitar." Twelve Disney movies magically appeared at his feet. He screamed, "What the fuck?", determined not to be beat. He would watch each Disney movie, and when it was all done, he would tell them that he hated it.
With a sigh, he picked up the first movie on top of the pile. "Oh, God," he grumbled. "This will take awhile." The first movie was Bambi, what he knew to be humanity's weakness, and what rose in his throat could easily be bile. But being AD, he was determined not to cry, and bid his sanity a respectful good-bye. He popped Bambi in that old VCR, still wondering if the junky machine could get him a guitar. At first he was bored, though the animation was quite good. But he was bored, because the animals weren't doing what they should. Where were the wolves, which could have provided some gore? There needed to be violence, soon, or he would easily be bored.
Then the scene came at last, the most dreaded of scenes. And you can imagine how intent AD was on the screen. His lip wobbled at first, seeing Bambi lost and confused. But then the birds and happy singing came on, and he was easily amused. So he had passed humanity's first great test. Looking at the other movies, he laughed, "Ha! I'll watch the rest! This will be easy, no doubt at all! I watched Bambi without crying, and the rest of you will fall!" Then he wondered if he should really be talking to movies, before deciding that no one could see him so it was all groovy.
Next came Sleeping Beauty, and he would admit that chick was hot. But did he like the movie? Oh no, he did not. Except for that part where Maleficent became a dragon. Because that was awesome, until she was killed and put on a wagon. He hated all the characters, they had the personality of his stool. Especially Prince Phillip, who was nothing more than a big tool. He knew that his hoes would cry foul, but they would be silenced after his mighty scowl. However, he still had ten movies to go, so he needed to stop complaining and get on with the show.
The next was Peter Pan, but he couldn't follow because, stuck in his head, was Metallica's 'Enter Sandman'. He was one-fourth of the way done, and it would be a long time before he could go to bed. He blamed his hoes, he blamed the world, he blamed his old neighbor that sews. But damn it, he would finish, just because he could. They were testing his manhood in the dumbest way possible, which really meant he should. Should come out on top with absolutely no worries, and then he would go pawn that VCR, and do so in a hurry.
The next was Cinderella, and all he could say was this: Lady Tremaine was a magnificent bitch. The rest of the movie sucked, except for that fantastic lady, man, was that bitch fucked. He vaguely knew the tale Grimm, in which there was blood abound. He would have to read sometime soon, to make up for this Merry-Go-Round. God damn it, what would he have to do to get some blood? There wasn't much he wanted, really, perhaps a great flood. Just something to make up for all of the nice. Something he could grin at without having to think twice.
He decided a blunt could at least make things more interesting. Because the film was Alice in Wonderland. He turned up Jefferson Airplane's "White Rabbit", as loud as he could. Then he watched the movie, and boy, did that feel good. But he was getting more frustrated, getting sick of this crud. He had gone through five movies, and there was not a single drop of blood.
Much to AD's delight, the height of the pile was getting smaller by sight. He had seven movies to go, and hopefully, this would remind me to always say no to his hoes. Unless it was for other things, like starting pornography rings. At any rate, he needed to finish these movies. So, with a sigh, he resigned himself to his fate. The next movie was The Aristocats, and he was pretty sure he wanted to go beat someone with a bat. The songs were catchy, and the plot was bland, but what was up with that mixed race band? "Oh, 70's Disney," he muttered, hoping that the Great Mouse would put him out of his misery.
After film number seven, he was looking for release, perhaps even Heaven. Though, the Fox and Hound, was a lot more delightful than he would have originally found. He had the blood he had been looking for, monsters bears, oh he couldn't wait to share. But, admist all his delight, AD was given a great fright. He had enjoyed this...whatever it was. He started cursing out his hoes, just because. He could not enjoy Disney, he could not! And what's worse? He was running out of pot.
Film number eight, he thought would not be that great. He had only heard of The Little Mermaid seven thousand times, and who the hell wanted to see sea creatures on parade? Certainly not he, AD thought with glee. Perhaps it is not too late, and I can still pile on the Disney hate! The drag queen sea witch greatly freaked him out, to the point where he wondered what that was all about. Was she there for kinky lulz? The mind-numbing task was breaking his skull.
Next was The Lion King, a film hailed to be sublime. And, though AD would never admit, he rather enjoyed watching the Disney movie this time. A father like Mufasa? Parents like that, he had never known. And, who couldn't love a father that had the voice of James Earl Jones? Though, Matthew Broderick he didn't like one bit, and upon the casting director for that movie, he wanted to spit. Ferris Buller does not belong in the jungle! His anger and the pot made his stomach start to rumble.
So he called for his hoes, "My usual lunch!" But none would answer. He didn't know why, but he had a hunch. He was being punished for not liking Disney. And he was not at all pleased with this epiphany. "Listen up, hoes," he shouted, face red with fury. "I'll let it go this time, don't you worry. But if it ever happens again, you'll be sure to clean up after I've eaten curry!" After making himself a sandwich, he plopped down for Mulan. It was almost too perfect, the horse's name was, "KHHHHHAAAAAANNNN!". Other than the cultural errors--after all, what from Disney should he expect?--he was also disappointed with the songs except for one that had not been shown neglect. It was the song, that one song, that everyone knew. Now that he'd seen the source material, he knew that he was through. How could he renounce Disney, with this catchy song in his ear? Somehow he would do it, but first? He needed a beer.
Two more movies to go, he thought, feeling a bit more cheery. He was extremely grateful for it, his eyes were starting to become bleary. The next movie was Tarzan. "One movie more, and then shaazam!" AD cheered. "Didja hear that bitches? I got one more to go, and then I can renounce Disney, you brainwashed witches! Yes, Disney's been washing your brains, but you'll see I'm the superior one! You'll be waxing wood floors, while I'll be having fun!" Now, Tarzan danced between the line of love and hate. Because the music of Phil Collins was starting to make him more irate. He was having a hard time understanding the appeal, and he barely understood why all these girls loved it with so much zeal.
Still, he felt slightly giddy as he looked at the last tape. So much so, that he would wake up the next morning feeling like P. Diddy. Or like Ke$ha, since apparently those were one in the same. He reckoned her psychological problems were mostly to blame. Yet, as he began to watch Fantasia, he couldn't help but feel let down. The last in his Disney quest! Yet...on his face was a frown. He did not care much for music of the classical sort. Yet, this was all that it was. He let out a snort. So much for Disney, he thought with a smirk. 'till they mentioned 'Satan', and his interest perked.
Satan? In a Disney movie? It just couldn't be! Satan? In a Disney movie? This, he just had to see. The mountain came alive as the frantic strings played. AD was impressed, he had to say. There were nipples, there was fire, there was death, life and destruction. He couldn't believe he was enjoying it: maybe he had been a part of a Great Mouse abduction. He was enjoying it so much, that when the church bells began to toll, he started screaming in Dutch. Which he had never studied, so the fact that he knew it in the first place was a miracle, buddy.
The greatest sequence of all time effectively ended, Ave Maria began, and AD's tears descended. He realized that he had done what he had set out to do, and did not know what to do now that he was through. n00bs were not enough to feed his 'snark only' diet. No, he needed to criticize these movies, despite his hoes' riot. So, he would wait to pawn off that VCR, and he would wait to purchase that twelve string guitar. He would watch each Disney movie, one by one. Yes, he would watch every movie, and get nothing else done.
And he realized, as the sun began to creep in, that Christmas day was about to begin. And he screamed, "Fuck this! I'm going to bed!" So he went to his room, with thoughts of Disney!Satan/Chernabog in his head. "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a resounding fuck you!" he muttered, as the glass glittered with morning dew.
The End12/24/2010 . Edited 12/24/2010 #1
|How to Train Your Moosie
Especially Prince Phillip, who was nothing more than a big tool.
ahahahaha i just died.
I lah you.12/24/2010 #2
I lol'd. XD12/24/2010 #3
The accuracy. 8D12/24/2010 #4
And it's not even done yet. xDD12/24/2010 #5
I FINISHED.12/24/2010 #6
...That. ♥12/24/2010 #7
That's really good, Bluey! AD's reactions when watching the Disney movies, is pretty funny. xD12/24/2010 #8
|How to Train Your Moosie
"The were nipples," HEE!
Yeesh, I'd hate to stay up all night watching movies. But this sure was funny.12/25/2010 #10
Win on so many levels.12/25/2010 #11
Holy shit, Blaire, I love you so much. ♥ ♥ ♥12/25/2010 #12
That sequence in Fantasia is the best, don'tcha know~
Oh heavens! Thanks to Cookie, I'm rhyming for hos!1/2/2011 . Edited 1/2/2011 #13
...That is all~1/28/2011 #14
Awesome. :)2/16/2011 #15
OTHER BEST. EVER.4/30/2011 #16
I LOVE YOU, TOO.4/12/2012 #17
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