The Domain
The price of citizenship is still, to some extent, your personal freedom.
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Jon Stewart

"How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?"

"I least a week."

--RvB BGC:3, Simmons and Grif

6/20/2009 #361
Jon Stewart

"You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing, probably two or three chicks apiece."

"Oh, man, listen to you. What're you gonna do with two chicks?"

"Church, women are like Voltron: the more you can hook up, the better it gets."

--RvB BGC:3, Tucker and Church

6/20/2009 #362
Jon Stewart

"I'll let you in on a little secret. I've, uh...I've actually got a girl back home."

"Oh, yeah? Girlfriend or wife?"

"No, man, she's just my girlfriend, y'know. We were gonna get married, but I got shipped out, know how it works."

"You gonna marry her when you get back?"

"I'm not gonna get married. My dad always said, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?'"

"Hey, rookie, did you just call my girlfriend a cow?"

"No, I think he called her a slut!"

--RvB BGC:4, Church, Tucker, and Caboose

6/20/2009 #363
Jon Stewart

"I'll tell you what, newb: I could sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day long, but, as it turns out, I've got a lot more-important job for you to do."


"See, we've got this general--"

"Right, the...general guy."

"--who likes to come by and make random inspections of bases. So what I'm gonna have you do is, I'm gonna have you go in the base and stand right next to the flag at attention just in case he decides to come by."

"When is he coming by?"

"We don't know. It could be today, it could be...a week from now."

"You want me to stand at attention for a week?"

"You know, you don't sound very grateful."

--RvB BGC:4, Church, Caboose, and Tucker

6/20/2009 #364
Jon Stewart

"What's so important about the flag?"

"Oh, come on! Don't they teach you guys anything in training?"

"They didn't tell us anything about a flag. Why is it so important?"

"Because it's the flag, man. You know, it's the's the flag. It's...Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important."

"Well, it''s complicated. W--it's blue, we're blue...."

"It's just important, okay? Trust us. So, when the General comes by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag."


"So just go in there--you know, far away from us--and wait for him."

"Uh, how will I know when I see him?"

"There's only three of us out here, rookie. He's gonna be the guy that doesn't look like one of us."

"Now get in there and don't come out!...Man, that guy is dumber than you are."

"You mean he's dumber than you are."

"Wow, Tucker. That was a great come-back."

--RvB BGC:4, Caboose, Church, and Tucker

6/20/2009 #365
Jon Stewart

"Excuse me, sir. Can I ask you a question?"

"Dear God in Heaven, rookie, if I turn around and you are not inside, I--I can't be held responsible for what I'm gonna do to you!"

"What did I do?"


"Aw, give me a break."



[Donut enters Blue Base.]

"Wow. You got here fast."

"Why is everyone so freakin' rude in this canyon?"

"I'm not, sir. What can I do for you?"

"Finally: someone with a little respect around here."

"Yes, sir!...I assume you're here because of this." [Caboose motions towards the flag.]

"Wait; is this all you have?"

"Uh, yes, sir. That's it."

"Aw, man. This figures. Shit. What about elbow grease?"


"Headlight fluid?"

"No. All we have is this flag."

"Well, I can't go back empty-handed. I guess I'll take that."

"Sure. That makes sense...I guess."

"...Man, they are gonna give me so much shit for coming back with just this stupid flag...."

--RvB BGC:4, Donut, Church, and Caboose

6/20/2009 #366
Jon Stewart

"Well, enough gabbing out of us. Let's take this bad boy out for a spin. Go ahead and hop in, Tucker."

"Me? I can't drive that thing."

"You're telling me you're not armor-certified?"

"I ca--I don't even know how to use the fucking sniper rifle. Don't you know how to drive that?"

"No. Ho-ly crap. Who is running this army?"

"Hey! Just wanted to let you know: the general stopped by and picked up the flag!"

"Yeah. Okay. Whatever, moron!...Why would they give us a tank if no one can drive the damned thing?...Wait. What'd he just say?"

--RvB BGC:4, Church, Tucker, and Caboose

6/20/2009 #367
Jon Stewart

"Let me get this straight. You gave this guy our flag."

"Is that bad?"

"Bad? Oh, no. That's not bad. Next time he comes over, why don't you just help him blow up the whole God-damned base?"

"There. There he is."

"Where--oh, yeah, oh, I got 'im. He's sneaking around back behind the cliffs."

"He must be one smart son of a bitch."

[cut to Donut]

"Oh, man, I am so freakin' lost. Where the hell is the base?"

--RvB BGC:5, Church, Caboose, Tucker, and Donut

6/20/2009 #368
Jon Stewart

"Oh, shit. Hey, Tucker, look at his armor. It's red."

"Oh, man. That means it's their sergeant."

"Well, that makes sense. At least now we know how he got by our defenses."

"Uh, you know, he came in the back door where you guys were standing."

"Yeah, okay, well, let's take him out, then."

--RvB BGC:5, Church, Tucker, and Caboose

6/20/2009 #369
Jon Stewart

"Hey! It's me! Don't shoot! I'm the guy that bought the flag, remember?"

"Oh, great: now he's taunting us. That's just embarassing."

"Alright, that's it. I've had it. Rookie, you stay here. Me and Tucker, we'll head through the teleporter; we'll cut him off at the pass."


"Tucker, you ready? Let's go."

"There is no way I'm going through that thing."

"Tucker, we don't have time for this. Why would they give us a teleporter if it doesn't work?"

"I don't know. Why would they give us a tank that no one can drive?"

--RvB BGC:5, Donut, Tucker, Church, and Caboose

6/20/2009 #370
Jon Stewart

"We already tested the teleporter, remember?"

"We threw rocks through it!"

"Yeah, and, so what? The rocks came out the other side, didn't they?"

"Yeah, but they were all hot and covered with black stuff."

"Oh, so I guess that's what this is all about, then. You're afraid of a little black stuff."

"Yes. I am. I am afraid of black stuff."

"Tucker, I almost hate to do this to you." [raises gun]

"You wouldn't."

"You know, I look at it this way: either (a) we go through there and get the flag back or (b) we stay here, and I get to kill you. Either way, I win."

"For the record, I want you to know: rocks aren't people."

"Duly noted. Now get in there."

"Crap. Alright. One...two..."

[Tucker goes through the teleporter.]

"Huh. He didn't come out the other side."

"Yeah...I've, uh...I've decided I'm not gonna use the teleporter."

--RvB BGC:5, Church, Tucker, and Caboose

6/20/2009 . Edited 6/20/2009 #371
Jon Stewart


"Hey, why the hell are you shooting at me? You could've hit me, dick!"

"Can it. Don't try to play stupid with me, Sarge. I know who you are. We've been spying on you for three weeks now."

"I just got here two hours ago, and I'm not a sergeant. I'm a private."

"Wait a minute; you're not the sergeant!"

"Yeah. That's what I just said."

"Well, then, how the hell did you manage to steal our flag?"

"Steal? I have no idea what the hell you're talking about!"

[Tucker, armor turned black, appears through the teleporter.]



"Holy shit! Who is this guy?"

"What in the hell? Tucker? Is that you?"

"How did you get up here ahead of me?"

"And what's with that black shit on your armor?"

"Hey. Freeze, Sarge!"

"Would you stop calling me a sergeant? I'm still just a private. "

"The sarge is still a private?...Oh - my - God. The teleporter sent me back in time!"

--RvB BGC:6, Church, Donut, and Tucker

6/20/2009 #372
Jon Stewart

"Look, I know you don't know me, but you have to believe what I'm about to tell you. Sometime in your future I get stationed here in Blood Gulch, and we meet, and this guy here, he gets promoted to sergeant of the Red Army, and we spy on them, and they get this new jeep, and I'm like, 'There is no way you can pick up chicks in a tank!'"

"Tucker, what the fuck are you babbling about?"

"I know all this sounds crazy, but he eventually becomes a sergeant, and then one day we get a tank, and he comes and steals the flag while we're distracted."

"Is this guy a retard?"

"Red? Shut up. Tucker? Listen to me. You haven't gone back in time, okay? This is the guy who stole the flag; he's just not the sergeant. Turns out he's just some dumb rookie who happens to have the same color armor as him. He got in somehow, just g--for God sakes, what is that music?"

[The Warthog flies over the hill, nearly hitting Church. The two Blues flee.]


"Holy shit!"

"Son of a bitch! Run! Jesus! Run!"

"The jeep followed me back in time!"

--RvB BGC:6, Tucker, Church, Donut...and sort-of Grif and Simmons

6/20/2009 #373
Jon Stewart

"How did you get their flag?"

"I don't know. I just asked for it."

"Wait; that worked?"

"I guess. Is it not supposed to?"

"I don't know. We--we never even thought to try that."

--RvB BGC:6, Grif and Donut

6/20/2009 #374
Jon Stewart

((I have no idea what Simmons is saying while he's shooting at the Blues, but the parts I can understand are epic. 8DDD Insert that quote here. :s))


[Caboose is attempting to complete the tank's tutorial.]

"Now that you've mastered driving the M808V, let's move on to some of the safety features."

[The tank is currently on top of a rock, spinning hopelessly.]

"No, no, wait, go back! Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?"

--RvB BGC:7, Sheila and Caboose

6/20/2009 #375
Jon Stewart

"Aw, crap. I don't think we're gonna be able to get around this way."

"Tell me again: uh, why did we get out of the jeep?"

[The tank comes up behind them.]

"Well, I guess it was this or sit there and watch you shoot rocks all day long."

"Well, at least that was fun."

[They turn and notice the tank.]

"Holy crap. What in God's name is that thing?...Dude, hold still. I don't think it sees us."

[Target settles on Grif's head. It then moves towards Simmons.]

"Why is it just sitting there?"

"Just trying to mess with our heads. Let's get back to the Warthog....Okay, you ready? Let's do this on three. One..."

"Wait. On three, or three and then go?"

"On three. It's always faster to go on three."

"Okay, okay. On three."


[Grif starts running away.]

"Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit..."

"Two...three!...Oh, you back-stabbing cockbite!"

[The tank fires, and the Warthog blows up.]

"Son of a bitch!"

"Son of a bitch!"

"Son of a bitch!"

"Firing main cannon."


"Firing main cannon."

"Damn it!"

"Firing main cannon."

[Church, previously going for the jeep, runs back behind the rock.]

"Hey, dude, the jeep blew up."

"No kidding. Thanks for the update, Tucker."

[Grif and Simmons have taken cover behind another rock.]

"Firing main cannon."

"'Hey, I have a great idea. Let's get out of the jeep and sneak around the back of the rock.'"

"Firing main cannon."

"Great plan, you idiot!"

--RvB BGC:7-8, Grif, Simmons, Church, Sheila, and Tucker

6/20/2009 . Edited 6/20/2009 #376
Jon Stewart

"Hey, Tucker, look at this, man: it's the rookie, and he brought tank out to scare off the Reds!"

"What? No way!"

"Hey, rookie, good job, man! Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?"

"New target acquired." [The turret spins to face Church.]

"That's not a target. That's Church."

"Yeah, that's right: it's me, Church! What's going on, man?"

"Target locked."

"What? No! Target unlock! Unlock! Please help me, nice lady."

"Firing main cannon."



"What? Oh, son of a b--"

[The tank fires and hits Church, who flies backwards to crumple on the ledge.]

"Holy fuck! Church, are you okay? Talk to me, Church! You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!"

"Auto-fire sequence deactivated."


"Church! It's going to be okay, man."

"No. I--I'm n--I'm not gonna make it. Tucker, there's something I need to tell you."

"What is it?"

"I just want you to know: I always hated you. I always hated you the most."

"Yeah, I know you did. Now hurry up and die, you prick."


--RvB BGC:8, Church, Tucker, Sheila, and Caboose

6/20/2009 #377
Jon Stewart

"What happened?"


"Damn, man, we only ran, like, three hundred feet. You are really out of shape."


--RvB BGC:9, Donut, Grif, and Simmons

6/20/2009 . Edited 6/20/2009 #378
Jon Stewart

"Where's your car?"

"General Patton here had a great strategy to leave it behind."

"Hey, it would have worked if that tank hadn't shown up."

"You lost the jeep? Oh, man. Lopez is gonna be pissed. Where is it?"

[The jeep, shot by the tank, is propelled up on top of the base with them.]

"What the hell?...Son of a bitch!"

"Holy crap! What the hell is that thing?"

"That's the tank!"

"Hey, uh...Grif, wanna hold the flag for a little bit?"

"No! Keep that away from me!"

--RvB BGC:9, Donut, Simmons, and Grif

6/20/2009 #379
Jon Stewart

"Why do you keep firing at the jeep?"

"Because it's locked on!"

"Well, unlock it!"

"Last time I unlocked it, I killed Church!"

"Oh, right. Keep shooting the jeep, then."

--RvB BGC:9, Tucker and Caboose

6/20/2009 #380
Jon Stewart

"I hate to be the one to point this out, guys, but I think we're screwed."

"Yeah. I have to agree with the rookie on this one."

[The radio crackles.]

-- "Blood Gulch Outpost Number One. Come in, Blood Gulch Outpost, come in. Do you read me? This is Sergeant--"

"Oh, my God. Sarge, is that you?"

"Roger that, private. I am currently in-bound to your position from Command."

"Sir, this is Simmons."

"Hello, Simmons. I hope everything's gone alright while I've been gone."

"Actually, sir, things are kind of hectic right now. The new rookie arrived, and somehow he managed to infiltrate the Blue base, and now we have their flag, the Warthog is damaged, one of their guys is dead, and there's this huge fucking tank about to destroy our base."

"...Am I talkin' to the right base?"

--RvB BGC:9, Donut, Simmons, Sarge, and Grif

6/20/2009 #381
Jon Stewart

[The tank was destroyed in a bombing run.]

"Sheila! No!"

"What? No! Sheila! Sheila! Wait; who's Sheila?"

"Sheila's the lady in the tank. She was my friend."

"Oh, dude! I knew you could pick up chicks in a tank!"

--RvB BGC:9, Caboose and Tucker

6/20/2009 #382
Jon Stewart

"Hello! Command! We need help."

"Roger that, Blood Gulch. What is your request?"

"I don't know what the technical military term is for it, but, uh, we're pretty fucked-up down here. We need men."

"...Dude, how long have you guys been down there?"

"No, no, no, n--not like that. We need more men to help us."

"Roger that. Did you get the tank we sent?"

"Yeah, that got blown up, too."

"Wow. Sucks to be you."

"Yeah, we know."

--RvB BGC:10, Tucker and Vic

6/20/2009 #383
Jon Stewart

"Okay, here's what I can do. The nearest Blue forces can be there in sixteen days, or I--"

"Sixteen days? That's almost two weeks!"

"--or I can hire a nearby freelancer and get him there within a few hours."

"I like the 'in an hour' one."

"Yeah, me, too. Roger that, Command. We prefer the quicker solution."

"10-4, Blood Gulch. We will contact freelancer Tex and have him there post-haste. Command out."

"Whoever he is, make sure he can fix a tank."

"What's a freelancer?"

"Freelancers are independent. They're not Red or Blue. They're just guns for hire who'll fight for whoever has the most money."

"Like a mercenary."

"Right, or like your mom when the rent's due."

"...Oh, that's funny."

"Yeah? You didn't think that was too obvious?"

"No, no, that was good."

--RvB BGC:10, Vic, Tucker, and Caboose

6/20/2009 #384
Jon Stewart

[A transparent, white-armored Spartan fades into the scene.]


"Who the hell are you?"

"I am the ghost of Church, and I've come back with a warning!"

"You're not Church! Church is blue. You're white."

"Rookie, shut up, man. I'm a freakin' ghost! Have you ever seen a blue ghost before?"

"Yeah, that's definitely him."

--RvB BGC:10, Church, Tucker, and Caboose

6/20/2009 #385
Jon Stewart

"Now I gotta start all over again....Tucker...Tu-u-ucker...I've come back with a wa-a-arning...."

"Is it really necessary to do the voice?"

"Yeah, it's kinda annoying."

"Fine. Okay, here's the deal. I've come back from the dead to give you a warning about Tex. Don't let--"

"What's the warning?"

"Shut up for one second, and I'll tell you."

"Oh, sorry."

"Seriously, man. I mean, I'm coming back from the great beyond here. You think this is easy? It's not. It's not like I just, you know, just pop in and out whenever I feel like it; it takes a lot of concentration."


"I mean, it's bad enough that you killed me to begin with, but now I come back and I can't even get a word in edgewise, man." [sigh]

--RvB BGC:10, Church, Tucker, and Caboose

6/20/2009 #386
Jon Stewart

"Okay. Here's the deal."

"Is this the warning?"

"Alright, that's it. I swear to God, Caboose, your ass is haunted. When we're done here, I'm gonna haunt you."

"Yeah, you're even starting to bug me."

"Okay, Tucker. You remember that I told you I was stationed on Sidewinder before they transfered me here to Blood Gulch, right?"


"Sidewinder? Isn't that the ice planet?"


"Cool; what was that like?"

"Um... it was cold."

"That's it? Just cold?"

"What do you want from me: a poem? It's a planet made entirely out of ice. It's really - fuckin' - cold."

--RvB BGC:10, Church, Caboose, and Tucker

6/20/2009 #387
Jon Stewart

"Alright, well, one day, when I was there, everything was just like normal. I remember I was out on patrol with my partner, Jimmy. That Jimmy was a real good kid; everybody liked him."

"Do you think I was a good kid Church?"

"Tucker, don't get jealous, man. Just listen to the story, okay? Like I said, guys were hanging around, waitin' for some action, bitching about the cold..."

"Man, it's fuckin' cold."

"I hope we get some action."

"Anyway, Jimmy was in the middle of telling me all about this girlfriend he had back home..."

"Yep. Soon as I get back, I'm gonna get down on one knee and ask her to marry me."

"...and that's when Tex showed up. Private Mickey was the first to go. He was halfway across the base when, all of a sudden, he just started screaming bloody murder."

"Bloody murder! Bloody murder!"

"The whole thing was over before it even started. Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up to him, pulled Jimmy's skull right out of his head, and beat him to death with it."

"Wait a second. How do you beat someone to death with their own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible."

"That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming."

"This doesn't seem physically possible!"

"Bottom line is, these freelancers, they're bad news, and Tex is one of the worst."

"If he's such a badass, why didn't he kill you?"

"I don't know why I'm not dead. Could've killed me at any point...but maybe it's because Tex and I have run into each other once before."


"You, remember that girl I told you about back home? Well, let's just say that Tex is the real reason why we never got married. Guys, I'm fading fast, and I don't know when I'll be back. Just listen to my warning: don't let Tex get involved here."


"I mean it, Tucker. No fighting, no scouting. Nothing. You'll regret it."

"So Tex and Church were after the same girl."

"I told you his girlfriend was a slut."

--RvB BGC:10, Church, Tucker, and Caboose

6/20/2009 #388
Jon Stewart

"And then I thought, you know, we could sneak around the side while they were hiding behind the rock, but, uh...well, that's when the tank showed up, and...shit just started blowin' up. I don't know."

"Grif, do you have any godly idea how much this piece of equipment costs?"

"Ah, I don't know. What: like, uh, ten...ten, twenty...twenty-five bucks, maybe?...Uh, y--you're gonna kill me now, aren't you?"

"Tell you what, Grif: I'm a fair man. I'll give you a ten-second head start here before I let Lopez do anything he wants to you."

"Guys, I just want you to know, I'm really, really sorry here, and--"

"Five Mississippi. Six Mississippi."

"Okay, uh...I guess I better get going, then."

[Sarge and Lopez start shooting.]

"Hey, guys, that's not funny! Somebody could get hurt here!"

--RvB BGC:11, Grif, Sarge, and sort-of Lopez

6/20/2009 #389
Jon Stewart

"So you've got the Special Forces black armor, I see. Were you in the Special Forces at some point?"

[no answer]

"Yeah, I used to have black armor, too. It was black because I got this stuff all over it from th--oh, okay, you gotta go? I'll see you later."

"I don't think he likes you."


--RvB BGC:11, Tucker and Caboose

6/20/2009 #390
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