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The price of citizenship is still, to some extent, your personal freedom.
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mutemockingjay

*huggles*

I loves you, Furby. *more huggles* ♥

You're getting your license soon, yes? That will help alot, giving you a great feeling of independence.

7/24/2009 #601
Teh Trickster

I know my rant is nothing compared to some of yours, but well... anyway, it's about grades. I hate my grades; they really suck at this point in time. I've been getting Bs and Cs and Fs for my understanding tests, and it's just so depressing looking at my grades. My daily grades aren't so hot either... these days, I barely get any As, unlike the first month when I first started covering the content for my diploma. I'm just so afraid that I'll screw up and that I won't get to a university. I desperately need to get a degree; you won't amount to anything in my country if you do not get a degree.

At the rate I'm going, I don't think my GPA would be enough to allow me to get into a university in my country. Unless I go private or overseas, which my parents honestly do not have the money for.

7/24/2009 #602
Miss Alliana Gray

So. Let's go back two months to the weekend of June 5th. I'm at an anime convention. I'm mourning on how it's my last one when my friend from Orlando offers her place to crash at for Anime Festival Orlando. I'm thrilled, and immediately start making plans. Tampa is an hour's drive from Orlando, and my father lives in Tampa. I call him up and ask him if I can stay at his place, if he'll drive me to Orlando, and pay for my ticket and food and such. He agrees, since I told him I'd be staying a bit before the convention so I can spend quality time with my brother and sister from his side. He's freakin' thrilled, and he's even paying for my train ride up to Tampa, so I'm in freakin' heaven, right?

Fast forward to now. AFO is in TWO days. I repeat. Two days. I am still stuck in frickin' Fort Lauderdale. I'm suppose to have been in Tampa [WITH MY COUSIN! But let's not even go into THAT story about how her mother and our grandmother refuse to let her go] for like what, 5 days now? Apparently, during the time I was suppose to iron thigns out with my mom and aunt, they seemed to get this fuckin' absolutely wonderful idea to go on... A FAMILY VACATION! When, you ask? THE FREAKIN' WEEKEND OF AFO! And so, I'm stuck here in Fort frickin' Ladedaland, and we're driving up to Tampa on Friday evening. I'm going to miss Friday, and on top of that, my mother says 'Oh, can't you just go one day?' ...I've been planning this trip for two months, and I'm suddenly suppose to change everything because my family FINALLY decided to be spontaneous for once in their lives?

...I bought a cosplay outfit. And a $65 dollar costume from Hot Topic JUST for this convention. I was going to stay at my friend's and see all my wonderful friends who don't come down to Southern Florida much because they attend all the major cons in Central/Northern Florida.

Oh. Mai. Gawd. Shoot meh.

[/pouts in the corner]

7/29/2009 #603
Yellowfur

:( times a gajillion for you.

And you can't, like, calmly negotiate this with your family at all?

7/29/2009 #604
Qzil

/Rant/

I am so fucking pissed.

So, I love it up here at my grandmother's. She's great, and I feel so loved. I see my aunt and cousins every day, and my other aunt and cousins a lot. It's great.

Except my one aunt, who comes over every day. She's nice, she really is. She gave me one of my dream dresses, and I'm grateful for everything she's done for me, like taking me food shopping and the dress...and that's it, really. She cooked dinner for us once.

But I am so fucking sick of taking care of her kids.

When she was living with us, and every time I stay up here, I wind up having to play big sister/mommy to at least one of her kids, over and fucking over. 'Dress him! Feed him! Watch him!' Every. Damn. Time.

I am so sick of it. This is my two weeks and three days of vacations. That's all I get, auntie, two weeks and three days. Some of us go to school, and some of us have work. I know all you do is be a housewife and come to your parents, who pay for almost everything for you and whos other house you live in, and swim. I know that you don't have a job.

But some of us have parents who expect them to work and do housework, too. Some of us have jobs. Some of us want to spend our two weeks and three days of vacation actually relaxing, forgetting about shit at home, and spending time doing things they like. I don't want to dress your kid while you sit in the pool. I don't want to deal with your other spazzy kid who I hate and wish dead. I don't want to have to play big sister/mommy to your children. They have a mom for that.

Even when she was living with us, she'd sit on the couch and smoke, tell me to change her kid's diaper, and yell at me when I told her I didn't know how.

I was in grammar school. I didn't know how to change a diaper in grammar school. Excuse me for not being forced to change my younger sibling by my mother, or not having kids of my own and knowing how.

I hate children. HATEHATEHATE.

And stop calling me out of the den to 'turn up the radio' or 'get you some more water' or 'get my kid dressed. Oh, and you have to find his underwear and pants and dress him even though he won't cooperate with you, just like every other time!'

Short version: GET OFF YOUR FAT ASS AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR KIDS. I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT THE FUCK ALONE ON MY VACATION TO SPEND TIME ON THE COMPUTER/DRAWING/PLAYING DS. HOW FUCKING HARD IS IT TO BE A MOTHER TO YOUR KIDS INSTEAD OF PAWNING IT ALL OFF ON ME.

7/30/2009 #605
Yellowfur

I hate children. HATEHATEHATE.

Saaaame.

(-doesn't really deserve pity but chooses to whine anyway-)

I am really really miserable right now. I was feeling like shit earlier and now I feel unbelievably like shit. I feel like burrowing a little hole and avoiding everyone, because so far I have gotten very little good out of INTERACTING with people this past week or so. More like month. I just feel like a fuck-up. For hating everyone.

But I can't burrow a hole because I've got a monologue to memorize.

7/30/2009 #606
Qzil

/MOAR Rant/

I am so fucking pissed right now at my brother and my parents and basically everyone in my family and my grandparents, but not as much.

My brother dropped off some of his money from working yesterday, and he's going back. My mother isn't making him come home after two weeks. She's letting him go back up and work some more because that seems to be the only job he likes; working the women's jobs on the carnival.

On my grandmother's carnival, the men do the rides, tear down and set up, and drive them from place to place, as well as fix shit. The women do the games, cotton candy trailer, ice cream trailer, and pack them up at the end of the week. So, basically all he does when he goes down there is sit on his ass all day and eat whatever the fuck he wants until he has to go to work and works a woman's job, probably not very hard if my aunt's report on him was right, then goes home and gets thirty five dollars for it.

Thirty five dollars a day, five to six days a week for two weeks. Yeah, he makes more than I do when I've been busting my ass for my parents since I was in Middle School up at our Dairy Queen. He never has to buy anything himself except his video games, and he always has money because he works for a month or two at the carnival.

And I am sick of it. I'm sick of never having any money because I choose to spoil myself. If I want it and I have the money, it's mine. Books, video games, food, toys, music, and sometimes even clothes. Because when I was little, I bought my own trading cards and stuff if I could, because my mother didn't approve of wasting money on that stuff. She still doesn't, I don't think. But I don't know because I never talk to her. Even now, I'm so used to it that I just can't grasp the fact that somebody else would want to pay for my luxuries. Because (surprise, surprise!) I consider food that I like a luxury, like fruit rollups or nilla wafers or Pez. Or my books or games. Yet my brother seems to always have money because he gets paid very, very well. Better than me when he works.

And I know my parents don't have the money to feed me every day at school, where I eat a lot. I know they don't have the money to buy me the stuff I want. That's why I keep working there, because I make almost eight dollars an hour and at any other job I wouldn't make as much.

And then there's my parents, who're so wrapped up in their stuff they don't have time for me. And my mother's sick, sicker than she or my father let on. She's going to die sooner than she should. What she has is going to kill her. My mother can't do anything anymore that involves driving. She's tired all the time and the meds she takes make it so she can't drive. She may not live to see her grandchildren and it scares me.

And I run around the house offering to do anything for her, and there's my brother, sitting in his room, doing nothing. And, for some reason, he always has money. He never does anything, and he gets everything he wants regardless.

And I feel so stupid and like it's my fault because when I got a job, making two fifty and hour, I'd save for whatever I wanted instead of putting it in the bank like my mother told me. I bet I'd have that three thousand dollars I need so my parents will buy me a car if I get my licence. But I was stupid an bought myself whatever I wanted instead, and now I'm used to having what I want and never have any money.

And I just feel horrible. I feel like I wanna cry all the time and I don't want to do anything, even eat. I almost have to force myself to do anything and I feel horrible for acting so spoilt and selfish when my mother's so close to dying and still works and does as much as she does.

And then it all boils down to how much I hate my brother for doing nothing. For making me stay home and watch my little sister while he went out with friends all the time. For making more money than me and still getting whatever he wants. For not getting any of the 'Your life is going to be shit!' speeches from my mother. For having friends and not having to work. I can't stand that he does absolutely nothing and I bust my ass at work and doing stuff for my mother at home.

7/31/2009 #607
mutemockingjay

*huggles times a zillion*

I honeslty don't know what to say to make you feel any better. But I love you very much and care about you, and send you hugs. *moar hugs*

7/31/2009 #608
Anarane Faelivrin

My dog might have heart problems.

We've taken him to the vets, and they gave him some medicine, but he's not getting any better. We're taking him to a special vets on Monday, to see if they can help him. My mum says it's to check his heart.

... -sigh-

7/31/2009 #609
Teh Trickster

Oh dear... I really hope that your dog is all right. Give him a hug and a kiss from me! *is a doggie-lover*

7/31/2009 #610
MyNameIsBen

I am tired, but I can't sleep.

My heart hurts, but I can't get it fixed until my blood test come back.

I want my scars to go away, but they never will.

I want my brother and sister to be better people, instead of getting drunk, and asking me to do the same.

I want to help my friends.

I want everyone to stop asking me if I'm going to do something stupid again.

I want everyone to stop telling me what I did before was stupid, as if I don't know that.

I want things to be the way they used to be. I miss that.

More than anything, I just want to see her.

8/1/2009 #611
Yellowfur

And then it all boils down to how much I hate my brother for doing nothing.

Trust me on this - I know where you coming from. I'm the independent one who does a ton of work in the household, and my brother is spoiled and sheltered. It’s not easy, it really isn’t, especially when you think no one is noticing how much work you do.I’ve just sort of resigned myself to this kind of thing until I graduate and move out, but you don’t have to do that.On the other hand, I don’t really have any suggestions besides… just wait until you have the chance to really be independent and shine.All the work you’re doing really is giving you preparation for independence and the real world, much more than your brother is getting.

My dog might have heart problems.

I’ve also been down the road with a sick dog.It sucks.Really really sucks.Just do what you can.The more you talk about it, the less it eventually hurts, so keep talking.

:( @ Ben. Try not to focus much on wishing things were like they used to be. Try to give the people who sound a little overbearing to me a little patience - they're trying to help, they just don't realize they're not really going about it the right way. And don't worry about not being able to help your friends right now; the time will come.

8/1/2009 #612
mutemockingjay

Furby is right, my love. Wishing that things were the way they were before doesn't really do you much good. I promise you that it will get better. It won't be the same as it was before, but it can be better than that.

I wish I could see you, too, love. ♥

8/1/2009 #613
mutemockingjay

Oh, and I also forgot to tell you, love: When you first start out on the meds/ up your dosage, it messes with your sleep cycle and appetite.

8/1/2009 #614
Anarane Faelivrin

Oh dear... I really hope that your dog is all right. Give him a hug and a kiss from me! *is a doggie-lover*

Thanks, and I will. :)

I’ve also been down the road with a sick dog.It sucks.Really really sucks.Just do what you can.The more you talk about it, the less it eventually hurts, so keep talking.

I'm just hoping he's going to be okay. :/ We're going on holiday soon, and I'm just worried that something will happen to him while I'm on holiday.

8/1/2009 #615
Teh Trickster

But... is there anyone you know you can trust to leave your dog with? Anything could happen, but if it's someone responsible, then there is less of a likelihood that something bad could happen to your dog.

8/1/2009 #616
Anarane Faelivrin

But... is there anyone you know you can trust to leave your dog with? Anything could happen, but if it's someone responsible, then there is less of a likelihood that something bad could happen to your dog.

We're leaving it with my Mum's friend's sons. They took good care of him last year, so I'm okay with that. It's just now he's sick, I'm worried. :/

8/1/2009 #617
Teh Trickster

Oh... well... I'll keep your dog in my prayers then. *nodnod*

8/1/2009 #618
Anarane Faelivrin

Thanks. :) -hugs-

8/1/2009 #619
Yellowfur

(-really whiny post but I don't care-)

I wanna see my troupe again! Hanging out at home with my brother or parents isn't ALWAYS bad, but when I get really unhappy with them, all I want is to just be in my little lighting booth or watching the others perform at some competition.

And I really really miss the seniors from last year!!! Now they're all really getting ready to go off to college and they're all happy about it, and I'm not like, raining on their parade or anything, but it just really depresses me to know that I'm probably never seeing some of those awesome people again.

8/3/2009 #620
MyNameIsBen

I really wish I could afford an emergancy room visit.

My heart is killing me.

I can't sleep, because laying down makes it hurt so much more, so I just have to sit here, and hope it lightens up.

I'm not sad, but I wish this would just stop.

8/3/2009 #621
mutemockingjay

Ben, my love, are you awake? Can you talk?

I went to my therapist today and she said my eating habits and anxieties/issues about food are borderline anorexic. DDDDDDD8

8/3/2009 #622
Qzil

I am weepy and think I'm fat and I don't know why. Thing is, I only usually feel like that at home. But that's usually when I get yelled at/go clothes shopping.

I think it's because my grandmother was trying to get me to buy clothes at Wal-Mart the last two times we went.

8/3/2009 #623
Yellowfur

Time for some more whining. I'm really sorry that I'm ignoring other people's posts, because usually I want to try to offer some sort of comforting word, but I just need to rant right now.

So like, everyone in my family and stuff cares so much more about my brother and what he does because I guess he's like a mental-health-wise-fuck-up and also a genius or something... and all he has to do to get all the attention is go to see our relatives and like, spout of some stupid piece of dazzling genius, and it's like "OHMYGOD LET'S ALL LOOK AT HIM N' STUFF, HE'S IN COLLEGE? WHOA!" And it feels like the ONLY thing that I have going for me that makes people even look my way these days is the fact that I'm in drama club and into theater and stuff. Like, that's all I can do to make people interested in me anymore around family and family friends and stuff.

And NOW he wants to take a course in theater history or something next year

And I just feel like he's taking away the only thing I have even going for me anymore.

And then my friend said she'd talk to me to help me fix my problems, but right when I spilled my heart over to her, and she RANDOMLY LOGGED OFF. That shit always happens to me. I hate how like no one even cares anymore.

8/4/2009 #624
Miss Alliana Gray

I. Fucking. Miss. Him. Again. -HEADDESK SO HARD I BLEED-

...Not fucking fair. I'm crying so much. -sigh-

8/7/2009 #625
MyNameIsBen

I don't like my brother.

8/9/2009 #626
Teh Trickster

Damn, everytime I'm around my cousins, I feel so inadequate. All of them are high flyers entering university with impeccable grades, and me? I'm just clugging around doing my diploma (which I should have completed by now if I hadn't wasted my time at another school) with a miniscule chance of entering university with my grades. I don't want to see or visit my relatives for a long time.

8/10/2009 #627
ms.illegality

School.

That's all I'm gonna say. x.x

8/11/2009 #628
pippermint

Yeah, same. =/ I'm a little excited to finally be getting out, but...-sigh- There's still SAT and SAT subject tests and this stupid online class and summer reading and extended essay and finding a new community service site and CAS and scholarships and actual schoolwork and IB exams and college apps and holyshitwhatifIdon'tgetintoagoodschool and ohmygodwhydidn'tIstartthisstuffbeforethelasttwoweeks.

8/11/2009 #629
Qzil

I...David and I, y'know...ended it. Well, he did. I went over his house today and we talked and he tjold me some things and we talked a bit and he said that he felt guilty because he knows that I have feelings for him and he doesn't feel the same way that I do. It's...there's love there, but not the romantically interested type of love. And he said that he felt guilty because he felt like he was taking advantage of me because of the way I felt. And that it just amazed me. And we talked a bit more and he's just..not comfortable with it because he thinks that I have expectations when I don't. And I told him that and he was pretty much all, "Hmm." And we said some more stuff and talked a little, in which my logic and way of thinking kinda mixed us both up a little and then he said he'd think about the shit I said.

And the weird thing is...I don't feel anything. I should be pissed or weepy or a combonation of both. But I don't feel anything, and I can't even make myself feel anything. I mean I feel...bad, a little. But I feel guilty for making him feel guilty and uncomfortable. God, what the hell is wrong with me.

8/11/2009 #630
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