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painted.inkblot

-hugs anyone who's feeling bad because they need it-

7/19/2008 #91
Loz'93

-hugs Jenny and Mem- :(

7/20/2008 #92
pumpkinless

I have the image of my grandma's bone coming out of her skin glued to the inside of my retinas.

7/20/2008 #93
That Reality

...How did she do that?

7/20/2008 #94
pumpkinless

She fell.

7/20/2008 #95
That Reality

Ouch...is she going to be okay?

7/20/2008 #96
pumpkinless

I've no clue. I hope.

7/20/2008 #97
That Reality

-hugs- Me too.

7/20/2008 #98
pumpkinless

Something's wrong with me.

I don't know what, but all day, I've been shaking, and every single time I laugh, it's not because I honestly found something funny, it's out of hysterics. My eyes feel like they're going to start spilling tears whenever I blink, and I can't get over this choking sense of dread that I've had all day. I feel horrible, even though I got at least ten hours of sleep last night, and I'm not showing any other obvious signs of being sick. But...I don't think it's that. I wanted a match earlier to light a candle, and I only half wanted the candle for the smell, because my mother has this amazing vanilla one.

I wanted to burn myself like I was almost doing last night. I find myself sympathizing more and more with some of the darker music I listen to, and, on top of it all, I'm not even sure I feel comfortable posting any of this. I've half a mind to just send this to Jenny or Annie or Ky or Blaire or Jayde or whoever! Hell, I don't even feel comfortable sending this to them. I can't think straight, and then there's the images burned into my brain that won't go away. I keep seeing every horrible thing I've done, and it's almost shoving me back down into this hole that I've been digging without even realising it before now. I so wanted to find my knife earlier when I said I was going to lurk; I comprimised with snapping myself in the mouth with rubber bands.

My step-brother, Mike, hates me, too. He won't even talk to me at all, and even though I don't like him too much, I don't want him to hate me. Then again, I'm just that selfish and conceited. I don't know why he hates me, either. He's hardly said two words to me, and when he DOES act like...well, friendly-er, it's because he has a friend or I'm with my little sister. I don't think I actually did anything to him, besides being shoved into his life, but that wasn't my fault.

-snort- I didn't even begin to scratch the surface. Oh, well. What can you do?

7/20/2008 #99
pumpkinless

'N for the record, don't give me your hugs and don't tell me you're sorry. If you have something to say that doesn't involve saying '-hug- I'm sorry, Rayne!', then go right ahead, but, if not...well, I guess the post-ups wouldn't hurt.

7/20/2008 #100
Ky-lassassin

-sigh- Rayne...I don't know what to say. I'd tell you I'm sorry, but you don't want that. I just...you should know that I love you so much. You're like my sister, and I really don't want anything bad to happen to you. You're such a strong person, and I admire you so much for that. And...please don't hurt yourself. Nothing gets better by doing that. If you ever want to talk, I'm only a PM away. I had to block all the T/Ders from my AIM, but...I'm almost always here. I want to be here for you, Rayne. I love you.

7/20/2008 #101
Silver-hair Angel

....Rayne, all I can say is this-- don't hurt yourself. It'll cause grief for you and grief for the people on this forum and in real life who care about you. You hurt yourself, you hurt them. And I should hope you don't want that.

7/20/2008 #102
Silent Memento

Self-harm ain't the answer, and I don't fucking care how much of a hypocrite I sound like. I've been in a lot of the same places as you, Rayne. Just PM me if you ever feel like talking because I'll always listen.

7/21/2008 #103
Breezeh

I love you, Rayne, I really do. I don't know what to say, but I would feel like the shittiest person in the world if you hurt yourself. Please don't. Just...please.

7/21/2008 #104
Silent Memento

-sigh- Well, I'm just...I don't know. My mom is usually drunk, so I have to drive my siblings to and from places on the days that she is. On the days when my dad is drunk as well, I have to be the only parent. It's just frustrating, because I want to be a kid and enjoy myself, not look after my siblings and my parents as well. It's selfish of me, but I don't want this kind of responsibility. Maybe that's why I've been acting younger here; because I can't do that at my home.

I feel like I'm walking on glass objects that could shatter at an instant on some days. I'm just so worried that I'm going to do or say something unforgivable that will upset a lot of people.

7/21/2008 . Edited 7/21/2008 #105
Qzil

Rayne, I won't say I'm sorry because you asked me not too.

Okay, listen to me. Hurting yourself isn't the answer. I know that sounds stupid coming from me, but it's true. I won't lie. Self-harm does feel good, and it makes you feel better. But, after a while you want to do more then that little bit, and you could dig yourself in deeper then you ever intended.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it won't happen to you. But...please, don't. I know begging doesn't help, and I get annoyed when people beg me, so I won't beg you anymore. But, if you ever need to talk, I'm here. Just letting you know.

The rubber band is good, stick with the rubber band. If you ever need us to listen, we'll be here. But, if you really feel alone, then get help. Trust me, it's the best thing, I wish I'd done just that.

7/21/2008 #106
Lost-Blue-Phantom

Rayne, it's okay to feel like that. Trust me, there are days where I wanted to tear the flesh off of my wrist.

And now, down to the rest of the stuff you said. I wish I could tell you it was a phase, because that's what it was for me. It was a half a year phase, where I just felt so alone, and so betrayed by everyone that I kept everything bottled up. Big mistake on my part. Even if you don't feel comfortable telling someone about this, do it anyway. You'll feel so much better, especially if someone can help you.

Now, onto a note about me: I'm feeling guilty again. Like Ta/D's deletion was all my fault.

7/22/2008 #107
Silent Memento

Bluey, it isn't. Aly was probably going to delete it. She might've felt like she was losing control over a lot of us, so she deleted it to prove that she was in control to the very end.

7/22/2008 . Edited 7/22/2008 #108
Jon Stewart

Rayne...I hope you know that I love you, and I'm telling you right now that self-harm is never, ever worth it. Even if it's just for twenty minutes on the bus with a key, you pay for it again and again...and the short-term solution never solves anything, even if you think it does. If you need to talk, you know I'm here.

7/22/2008 #109
Ciboulette

Rayne, I know I'm just saying the same thing as everyone else, but self-harm isn't going to do anything. I had a friend who was in a terrible sort of relationship with an older guy. Lot's of things went wrong, and she turned to cutting herself. But all that did was make her an unstable, violent person. She threatened to kill a teacher, and was taken away. She now sees a shrink once a day.

Rayne, self-harm is stupid and pointless. All it will do is fuck things up even more. You need to let your feelings out with someone you know and trust. We're always here, but if this is really freaking you out, I suggest seeing a pyschologist.

7/22/2008 #110
Breezeh

Ta/D's deletion was all my fault.

Blaire, it wasn't. You didn't say anything mean to Aly in your letter thread; you weren't trying to be malicious or anything. Aly deleted it because of her own problems, not because of people at the forum.

7/22/2008 #111
pumpkinless

Blaire, you know damn well that it wasn't your fault. Get over it, or I'm trcking you down to smack you. [/idle threat]

7/22/2008 #112
Qzil

I fucking hate people. Why is it that all mothers have to have their kids live up to social ideals? "Oh, no, you can't have Hannah Montana, it's for girls, get the sword!" Or vice-versa. Then there's color. Boys can't have pink. Girls can't have black. I mean, what are they going to do, eat it? It's a frickin' color! "Oh, no, my little boy will just die if he gets a pink toy! He should have something manly!" Then, it's "One dollar for a dart!? How about two for one, since he's a kid and gonna lose?" I mean, if you know he's gonna lose, don't waste your money! Honestly. I think that doctors are putting crack or something into those pills that they give pregnant ladies, because each generation is getting stupider.

New Rant:

Streetlights. We fucking need them. We had to do a turn today, on a moutain road, without lights. It's like they want us to have an accident. I bet it's the insurance companies in line with the road people.

7/24/2008 #113
Silent Memento

Q: -nods- Social ideas suck. I know that.

7/24/2008 #114
Qzil

Kids are fucking stupid brats. I swear, there's something in the drinking water that's effecting a shitload of kids these days.

7/25/2008 #115
Silent Memento

Pink Bitchy Whore favorited me. That's enough to piss me off.

7/25/2008 #116
painted.inkblot

Pink Bitchy Whore favorited me. That's enough to piss me off.She had me favorited a while ago...then she unfavorited me! 8D

7/25/2008 #117
Qzil

I got hit in the head with a dart today at work.

7/25/2008 #118
Ky-lassassin

QQ~ -tackles-

...Come to Chat? Please? I miss you.

7/25/2008 #119
Qzil

-Iz tackled then dragged off to chat-

7/25/2008 #120
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