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Thranduil Oropherion Redux

If you have any good ones (or bad ones) post them here.

2/12/2009 #1
hixto

What if you have one good one and one bad one? ;-)

2/12/2009 #2
Thranduil Oropherion Redux

Always a wise-guy. -__-

Post as many of either kind as you wish -- one per post.

2/12/2009 #3
Thranduil Oropherion Redux

Okay, so there is this chap who's traveling in the deepest darkest jungles of outer Borneo or something. One day, he's at the head of his train of porters when an odd-looking bird flies overhead and drops a huge dump right into his hair.

He expresses disgust and rushes to wash it off only to have his guide tell him, "No, Bwana, that was a Foo bird! Our traditions say that if you wash off the droppings of the Foo bird you will die!"

The other natives concur with this and provide stories of how they've seen men die after cleaning off the Foo guano, so the young man reluctantly leaves it in place. He fifnishes his expedition. He goes home to America and time passes -- all the while he's got this nasty stuff in his hair.

Nevertheless, he made some money from the exotic plants he brought back from his expedition being made into expensive medicine, so he manages to attract a girlfriend. One thing leads to another and they get engaged. On the night before the wedding she tells him, "Honey, now that we're getting married, I want you to wash off that bird poo. It stinks, and I'm sure it's just a silly native superstition. In fact, if you don't, the wedding is off."

So, to make his fiancee happy, the guy showers it off . . . and falls dead on the bathroom floor with a heart attack.

The moral of this story: When the Foo shits, wear it!

2/12/2009 . Edited 2/12/2009 #4
hixto

I've never heard it told quite that way before. lol But it's a classic.

How about the one where Roy Rogers orders a pair of expensive cowboy boots. When they arrive, he's so proud of them he puts them on immediately then rides out to the set in the desert where they are shooting his latest oater.

As he's riding along, a cougar leaps out from behind a rock, causing his horse to bolt and throw him. Panicked, he throws his boots at the cougar, that begins chewing them to bits. While the cougar is busy Roy runs away, and a Grip who was also on his way to the set picks Roy up in his jeep. When the shaken actor tells him what happened they drive away quickly. A few days later, one of the other actors on the set is bragging about a hunting trip he had taken with a guide the night before and how the guide had shot a large cougar. He shows them the picture they took of the beast, and the Grip looks at it and says,

"Pardon me, Roy. Is that the cat that ate your new shoes?"

2/12/2009 #5
Thranduil Oropherion Redux

ROFL!!!

Okay -- how many of you got that one? Raise your hands.

2/12/2009 #6
Thranduil Oropherion Redux

Okay -- here's another . . .

A fellow who owns a stable comes out one morning to find that the barnswallows have built nests in his horses' manes during the night. He proceeds to shoo the birds out and spends hours combing out the knots so his steeds look nice.

Next morning, the same thing. This time, the guy chases them away and sprays bird repellant all around. But to no avail. The nests are back the following morning, with the birdies sitting there and chirping away. And the next morning, and the one after that, no matter what this poor fellow does to try and discourage them. After two weeks, he's damn sick of combing out the horses every morning.

His farrier comes to do the shoeing, notices and says, "Try sprinkling Brewers yeast on the manes and tails tonight and see if that works."

The guy does that and sure enough -- no problem the following day. The barn swallows are back nesting in the rafters where they belong. Next time he sees the farrier, he asks, "How did you know?"

The man replies, "It's simple: yeast is yeast and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet!"

2/12/2009 #7
hixto

ROFL!

Ok, you managed to find one I've never heard before.

Here's one for Aislynn.

When the Japanese were ready to unveil their new car, they suddenly realized they hadn't named it. With only fifteen minutes before the press conference they didn't know what to do. One of the executives suggested they call the Germans. "They have been naming cars for years. They will know what to do."

So a call is placed to the CEO of Mercedes-Benz and the Japanese executive says, "We need a name for a new car we're unveling and we thought you could help."

"I think I can come up with something," the CEO says. "When do you need it?"

"The press conference is in ten minutes. Can you give us the name in five?"

And the shocked CEO blurts out "Dat sun?"

2/12/2009 . Edited 2/12/2009 #8
Thranduil Oropherion Redux

And yet another classic:

Anthropologists have discovered a remote island in the Pacific where the natives are incredibly regular. When asked by researchers about the reason for this admirable colonic health, the Chief replied, "Every day we use a suppository made of rolled up palm leaves."

"Does that work?" the anthropologists queried.

"Oh, indeed!" was the reply. "With fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

2/13/2009 #9
EmpyrealFantasy

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

*cues the wuah wuahs*

2/13/2009 #10
hixto

I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

It's funny because it's true. *wipes tear*

2/13/2009 #11
Thranduil Oropherion Redux

This utterly tasteless offering is more of a Spoonerism than a true pun, but . . .

Question: What is the difference between an epileptic Iowa corn-farmer and a prostitute with dysentery?

Answer: The farmer shucks between fits.

2/14/2009 #12
Jebbykins

A man was going through security at the LAX airport, when the alarm started to beep madly. They pulled the man aside, and asked him to remove the long trenchcoat he wore. The man protested, but at the security's insistence, he eventually took it off.

The guards began to inspect the coat for any metals, and the wand began to beep wildly when it reached a sewn up pocket on the inside. Opening the pocket with a knife, security discovered a pencil, a ruler, and a protractor, all fitting with deadly blades. The man was arrested for attempted terrorism, and was interrogated.

The police discovered the man was a member of an organization called Al-Gebra, a terrorist group who travel the world, spreading fear using their Weapons of Math Instruction.

2/14/2009 #13
Aislynn Crowdaughter

of an organization called Al-Gebra, a terrorist group who travel the world, spreading fear using their Weapons of Math Instruction.

'*snort* good one! I always knew math professors knew how to terrorize! XD

2/17/2009 . Edited 2/17/2009 #14
Thranduil Oropherion Redux

That one made me laugh my ass off. It's also a hard one to top. I am awaiting inspiration. LOL

2/17/2009 #15
White Eyebrow

forgot where I heard these, but they're pretty low:

A young aspiring lawyer (and a republican) walks into a bar. He asks,

"Is this where I take the exam?"

Next to him is a guy carrying a salamander on his shoulder. He says to the bartender, "Vodka Martini for me and..." (pointing to the lizard) "and a pitcher of beer for Tiny here."

"Why do you call him Tiny?" asked the bar man.

"Because he's my newt."

---

Here's a freebie, (not a pun) because this GOP lackey rubbed me the wrong way today:

How many republicans does it take to wallpaper a room?

It depends on how thinly you slice them.

4/7/2009 . Edited 4/7/2009 #16
Thranduil Oropherion Redux

"Because he's my newt."

ROFLMAO!!!!!

4/7/2009 #17
hixto

A penguin is out driving when his car breaks down. He takes it in to a mechanic and the guy says he needs to look it over and tells the penguin to come back in an hour, so the penguin waddles over to the bar across the street and orders a beer. Not having hands to lift the glass, he sticks his beak in the glass and drinks it. After a couple of beers, he decides to waddle back over to the garage and see how things are coming along with his car. He enters the garage and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic says, "Looks like you blew a seal." To which the penguin replies, "No, no, it's just a little beer foam."

4/7/2009 #18
Thranduil Oropherion Redux

I love this joke!

4/8/2009 #19
EmpyrealFantasy

So, my English teacher just found out that he needs to have surgery to get part of his colon removed.

Imagine that: an English teacher with a semicolon.

*cue wah-wahs*

4/20/2009 #20
Thranduil Oropherion Redux

*rimshot*

lololol

4/20/2009 #21
White Eyebrow

I betcha he doesn't have the guts to do that again. :p

4/20/2009 #22
Jebbykins

I can't stomach another bad joke...

5/25/2009 #23
EmpyrealFantasy

Oh come on, admit it, you're gagging for it. XD

*TACKLES JEBBY*

5/25/2009 #24
Thranduil Oropherion Redux

*TACKLES JEBBY*

*Tackles Katie and plants big kiss*

5/26/2009 #25
EmpyrealFantasy

Ray of Sunshine: My Randy-luv! *kisses happily, then locks the door to keep the kiddies out* XD

How are you, my heart?

5/26/2009 #26
Thranduil Oropherion Redux

I'm quite well, my dear. I just stepped out for a bit to burn a brushpile. It's flaming away merrily.

I looked for you this weekend, with no success. :(

5/26/2009 #27
EmpyrealFantasy

I had a very full weekend. I'm sorry I didn't get to talk to you. I was sick as a dog and I had no less than three birthdays to go to anyway, yardwork to do, and two essays to write.

In short, I was running myself ragged. Oh, I also had a new video game. :P That made things worse.

What have you been up to?

5/26/2009 #28
Thranduil Oropherion Redux

What have you been up to?

Same as you, my love. Yardwork mostly, but I'm creeping along on my WIP a few hundred words at a time.

5/26/2009 #29
White Eyebrow

I had this girlfriend who liked dressing up as a clown before making out; We eventually broke up because I thought she tasted funny.

7/2/2009 #30
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