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Thranduil Oropherion Redux

Absolutely!

7/2/2009 #31
Thranduil Oropherion Redux

"Oh, how cute!"

Unless Little Mister Happy is wearing a costume or something. LOL

7/2/2009 #32
White Eyebrow

"Oh, how cute!"

Meh, I wouldn't be offended.

7/2/2009 #33
Thranduil Oropherion Redux

Ole and Lena was at the kitchen table for the usual morning cup of coffee and listening to a weather report coming from the radio.

"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. All vehicles should be parked on the odd-numbered side of the streets today to facilitate snowplows," the radio voice declared.

"Oh, gosh, OK," said Ole, getting up, bundling up and heading outside to dutifully put his car on the odd-numbered side of the street.

Two days later, Ole and Lena were at morning coffee when the radio voice said:

"There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your vehicles on the even-numbered side of the streets."

Ole got up from his coffee as before. He bundled up, shuffled off, and put his car on the even-numbered side of the street.

A few days later, the couple was at the table when the radio voice declared:

"There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the ..." Just then, the power went out.

"Park it where?" Ole asked in the dark, "What should I do?"

"Aw, to heck with them, Ole," Lena said, "Don't worry about it today. Just leave the car in the garage."

7/5/2009 #34
ShedragonXXL

Pet loverĀ“s manifesto

Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.

Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.

It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, and then go smell the other dogs' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

7/7/2009 #35
Aislynn Crowdaughter

ROTFL!

I liked especially these two:

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

Ouch! Poor CD's...

And:

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

There is absolutely no way and cat or dog will ever learn that, though (or admit they did).

7/7/2009 #36
Thranduil Oropherion Redux

Continuing the animal theme . . .

Dear Cat Owner,

Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG

7/9/2009 #37
Thranduil Oropherion Redux

In keeping with our Yooper discussion . . .

Some of you may recall the State quarters that the US Mint issued a few years back. It turns out they had to withdraw the Michigan U.P. quarter from circulation because the duct tape adhesive used to secure the two dimes to the nickel was gumming up the parking meters.

11/23/2009 #38
Aislynn Crowdaughter

This one is for Virtuella and the other moms around here, courtesy of a good friend of mine. :)

Mother's Dictionary:

http://forum.fanfiction.net/topic/46354/14617991/1/#20775929

Enjoy! ^^

12/10/2009 . Edited 12/10/2009 #39
Aislynn Crowdaughter

And since the Link did not work, I post the whole thing here, courtesy of Shedragon:

Mother Dictionary

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at it.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

12/11/2009 #40
Virtuella

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Hahaha, very true.

A woman sends her husband to the corner shop:

"Get a loaf of bread, please, and if they have eggs, bring a dozen."

After a while, the man comes back with twelve loaves of bread.

"Why on earth did you buy so much bread?" asks the woman.

"They had eggs."

4/24/2010 #41
White Eyebrow

(An oldie but a goodie...sorta:)

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

Judge: "Proceed."

Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"

Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

10/11/2010 #42
Thranduil Oropherion Redux

Bumping, becase a friend just sent me a funny one:

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck, you betcha!"

1/15/2011 #43
Hamfast Gamgee

My mother's sister walked into the room and started spinning around. I said 'Oh, my giddy Aunt!'

1/20/2011 #44
Aislynn Crowdaughter

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck, you betcha!"

*snort* bravery by technical failure. Good one! ;P

1/20/2011 #45
militaryhistory

The South is bounded by four rivers: The Mississippi, the Ohio, the Potomac, and the St. Johns.

1/20/2011 #46
Reader's Corner

Did you hear about the defacement of Mr. Skinner's tombstone? asked Mr. Brown a few days after the funeral of that eminent captain of industry. No, what was it? inquired his neighbor curiously. Someone added the word 'friends' to the epitaph. What was the epitaph? 'He did his best.'

3/5/2011 #47
Thranduil Oropherion Redux

And on this day, I present a Lena & Ole joke that is good for the last time:

Dear Friends: I have some very sad news out of Fargo this morning to share with everyone. To those in the rest of the country and world, I must report the tragic news that Ole was shot. He was up by the Canadian border on his 4-wheeler cutting some trees when some rangers looking for terrorists spotted him. According to the news reports, the rangers shouted to him over a loudspeaker, "WHO ARE YOU? AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Ole shouted back, "OLE.... BEEN LOGGIN'!" Ole is survived by his wife Lena and his good friend Sven.

5/2/2011 #48
Hamfast Gamgee

I fear to say that Kermit the Frog has been arrested by Police. Apparently he had hundreds of pictures of Miss Piggy in compromising positions on his computer. :( A Police spokesman said, 'This is the worst case of Frogspawn that I have ever known!'

8/9/2011 #49
Virtuella

Antonia just caught me out.

"Mami, will you remember me in a week?"

"Of course."

"In a year?"

"Antonia, I will always remember you, how could I ever forget you?"

Pleased smile, then, "Knock , knock."

"Who's there?"

"Ha, you've forgotten me already!"

8/11/2011 #50
Thranduil Oropherion Redux

A seasonal joke, one day late:

A Jewish woman is asked by her Gentile neighbor over for dinner that night but she has to ask to postpone. "It's Rosh Hoshana tonight."

"Oh," says the neighbor, "is that the holiday where you light the Menorrah?"

"No, that's Chanukkah."

"Is it the one where you serve Seder and ask the questions?"

"No, that's Passover. Rosh Hoshana is the one where we blow the Shofar."

"That's what I love about you people," says the neighbor. "You're so good to your help!"

9/29/2011 . Edited 9/29/2011 #51
Virtuella

Oh. Took me a while to work that one out.

9/29/2011 #52
Thranduil Oropherion Redux

Don't feel bad. It took me a few beats to get it too, the first time I read it.

9/29/2011 #53
Virtuella

My excuse is that I know what the Shofar is and therefore just thought, well, of course, the Shofar.

Did I ever tell you the one with the two Scots who walk past a bakery shop? Says the one, "Is that a cheesecake or a meringue?" Says the other, "No, no, you're right, it is a cheesecake."

9/29/2011 #54
OldStoneface

I assume you have heard about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He lay awake all night pondering the existence of dog.

10/2/2011 #55
Hamfast Gamgee

Why do anarchists drink herbal tea?

12/12/2011 #56
Hamfast Gamgee

(in the abscence of a straight man) because all proper tea is theft!

2/12/2012 #57
White Eyebrow

May the fourth be with you.

5/4/2012 #58
Thranduil Oropherion Redux

And may we all get a fifth!

5/4/2012 #59
Thranduil Oropherion Redux

Apropos of a post in another thread, here is a joke that dates back to the Wilbur Mills scandal, in which he crashed drunk into the Mall reflecting pool with a stripper in his car:

The wife of a very high-ranking senator on a sensitive committee opens her door to find two secret service men. "Ma'am, we have som good news for you and some bad news. Which would you like first?"

She asks for the good news and they reply, "Your husband has just crashed his car into the Mall reflecting pool. His blood alcohol was 2.0 and there was an exotic dancer in the passenger seat. Fortunately, we were able to convince the press that your husband was rushing to your side after you broke both legs in a fall, that the drinking was the result of his distress over your condition, and the young lady was a family friend along to give him emotional support."

"My god," she says, "I think you made a mistake and gave me the bad news first. What could possible be worse than that?"

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but we're here to break your legs."

10/16/2012 #60
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