Of Cabbages and Kings
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militaryhistory

You didn't take kindly to the last one...

I didn't so much "not take kindly to it" as I wanted to know what you saw wrong.

12/15/2010 #61
Virtuella

Yes, and then I sent you edits and you never replied.

12/15/2010 #62
militaryhistory

That wasn't so much from "Grrrrrrrrrr, how dare she destroy my MASTERPIECE" as it was "Wow. Why didn't I notice that?" My apologies for not replying.

12/15/2010 #63
Morthoron

Not only is Virtuella the Queen of Fan-fiction, she is also the Grand Duchess of Follow-up. ;P

I finally posted this in the right thread. And now I realize it isn't funny. Double bleah.

12/15/2010 #64
Olorime

Well, Morth

You are not infallible, although you are almost there. Did you know that I painstakingly downloaded all the chapters of your story and converted them into a PDF book so I could read the story on my Nook?

:P

12/15/2010 #65
Virtuella

Ah, okay. I thought you were in the huff.

12/15/2010 #66
Morthoron

In the huff...

Is that Scots for taking a dump?

12/15/2010 #67
Olorime

ewwwww

12/15/2010 #68
Morthoron

I know...some of the things Virtuella says sometimes!

12/15/2010 #69
Virtuella

Is that Scots for taking a dump?

I have no idea what that means. Being in the huff means to be offended and pout. The Germans have a lovely expression for that, it is "beleidigte Leberwurst."

12/15/2010 #70
militaryhistory

It means to expel one's solid waste.

12/15/2010 #71
Thranduil Oropherion Redux

"beleidigte Leberwurst."

Mad enough to spit liverwurst?

12/15/2010 #72
Morthoron

Being in the huff means to be offended and pout.

"In a huff", not "in the huff", m'dear.

12/15/2010 #73
Virtuella

In Scotland you can say either. :P

12/15/2010 #74
Hamfast Gamgee

So, er, who's up for the next review then? Is confuzzled!

12/15/2010 #75
Thranduil Oropherion Redux

Thanks for reminding me, Ham. Because I'm more or less out of my own, I want a review for this story --one of my personal favorites.

12/15/2010 #76
Olorime

I have reviewed it, now take into account that I am not going to give concrit to IgnobleBard, who is my poor, underpaid, underfed Beta reader, so my reviews are of a more "cheeky" nature:

POOR LITTLE SPIDER!

PETA is going to be giving you a call soon for putting arachnids in uncomfortable situations, spider exploitation and having obscene princes and naughty march wardens in close proximity to such innocent creatures.

And what is it with Haldir having a granny's taste? Doilies? Yuck!

All in all a great fiction! :P

Now I want someone to review... Livinlävidä by Russandol, who is one of my favorite authors

http://www.silmarillionwritersguild.org/archive/home/viewstory.php?sid=1040&chapter=1

12/15/2010 . Edited 12/15/2010 #77
Hamfast Gamgee

Ha, ha, very amusing. I have often wondered what they got up to in Valinor in the fourth age and now I know! :) It was probably a good thing that Tulkas didn't get involved as well. Great stoy, keep writing and I will look forward to reading more, Ham!

Have reviewed Lavinlavida, nice tale though I have just realized I am not sure about the title! I would appreciate this tale of mine, an original tale, reviewed about a crisis in the Cold war, please, Ham. It's from fictionpress, but an annoymous review is fine!

The Crisis none knew, a Thriller fanfic - FictionPress.com

12/16/2010 . Edited 12/16/2010 #78
Shinsou808

First of all, fix the title. The last two words should be capitalized as well. The lack of key separations break this story. Put space breaks where the story changes perspective. It gets very hard to follow in the first chapter when it jumps back and forth between scenes. Cliches should also be kept to a minimum and far away from the narrative. I also noticed some run on sentences and words that got through the spellcheck. What gets me the most is the overuse of general, but very vague terms. Give the reader specificity. Instead of military or non-military, use Army/Air Force/Navy/Marine or civilian respectively. The vagueness of planes is especially apparent. For fighters on the US side it was the F-14 Tomcat or the F/A-18 Hornet. For attack, which I think is best suited for what you're trying to set here, it was the A-6 Intruder. All of these were in service at the time. For the Russians, all they had for Naval Aviation at the time were Yak-38's (NATO code name: Forger). As for torpedoes, I'm pretty sure they were air dropped from helicopters or fired from ships. Anti-ship missiles were the ones attached to jets. Plus the use of anti-ship missiles was far more prevalent. Best fit would be the Harpoon missile. For the alert levels, they used DEFCON in a scale of 5 to 1 from lowest to highest respectively. Most US forces during the Cuban Missile Crisis were at DEFCON 3, with Strategic Air Command at DEFCON 2. There were only three times DEFCON 3 was used, during the aforementioned Missile Crisis, during the Yom Kippur War, and 9/11. US ICBM sites were at DEFCON 4 during the Cold War, with everyone else usually at 5. It need not be totally realistic but these will help out a lot.

Reviewed The Crisis none knew. It looks better in paragraphs, trust me. I would appreciate it if someone reviewed Damnatio Memoriae. Some help on British-isms where needed would be nice as well.

12/17/2010 #79
Hamfast Gamgee

Firstly, I like the start. I always appreciate nice, quiet starts. Far too many tales start in the middle of action or a fight or something and I prefer some kind of build up or at least an introduction to the characters as we have here. At first read, I will confess to been a bit confused by what is happening, me not knowing the fandom, but I might give it a second read and things may become clearer. Though I do admit that not everything needs to be explained in the first chapter. This seems to be some kind of alternate reality is it? I'm not sure why you're characters have the codenames of British politicians! Unless it's a joke, ha, ha! The way I feel about politics at the moment I'd quite like to torture all 3 of them myself and this is me speaking as a pacifiest! But enough politics. I did like your barman and overall the tale is warming on me, so keep it up and I'll look forward to reading some more, Ham!

Well as no-one else seems to be playing, it behoves me to continue so I have reviewed the above tale with the funny name! Review shown above. Reasonably good tale, not sure about the politicians names to be honest, but perhaps that will become clearer! Could someone please, please, please, please review my latest Star Wars tale? For anyone that I think is just about everyone that didn't like the prequals I am rewriting them in an attempted style of the original series that George Lucas seems to have forgotten how to do at the moment. But it is getting a bit lost so I would really appreciate feedback, please, please, please, please? Have I said please enough times, well, I'll say it one more anyway, please!

Journey through the Stars

1/17/2011 #80
Virtuella

Review for Journey Through the Stars:

Hi, Ham, looking at this story I am a little at a loss as to what to say. As usual, you have some great ideas, but the execution doesn't quite allow them to shine. First of all, as others have said, it is difficult for a reader to cope with a text that has so many formal errors. Another round of proof-reading and a beta wouldn't come amiss.

I agree with another reviewer that much of this story is confusing. There are sudden changes of scene, of action, of situation that I cannot quite follow.

Then there are word choice issues, for example this one:

"But the Jedi's influence has fallen recently in the Galaxy."

I don't think "influence" and "fallen" goes together. I would say the influence has "decreased" or "waned", even "lessened" would do.

There are superfluous sentences like this one: "Sam gave Jack a job to do." In the next speech, we see this happening, so there was no need to announce it before, that just seems awkward.

Many sentences could do with more attention to style. I'll give you one example of what I mean. You have:

"Jack walked along under the primeval hot sun along a grassy field which contained some wild animals, reptillic creatures were grazing plus a few sheep. On the border were some woods and in the distance Jack could see mountains. Plus if he looked carefully he saw some lakes between the mountains."

When we describe a landscape, the word "contain" seems a little out of place. Containing is what food packets do. You use the word "plus" twice, which also seems an odd word choice for the context. The lakes appear added as an afterthought (and is it even possible to see lakes between distant mountains?), and the mountains and woods are very vague. Isn't a field grassy normally anyway? And what do you mean by "along"? Now here is my suggestion:

"Under a sweltering, primeval sun, Jack made his way across a grassy plain. He took care to keep his distance from the strange reptilian creatures he saw grazing here and there, though he didn't mind the sheep, odd as they seemed in this setting. To the right, the plain was bordered by the looming shape of a [insert suitable type of tree] wood and in the distance Jack could discern grey mountains jutting into the sky. Errant glints of sunshine, like grounded stars, suggested that lakes were hidden among those peaks."

Does that seem like an improvement to you?

I feel it's a shame that your story isn't more polished, because it has great potential. For example, the idea to have the dwarves chapping on the door was really original and amusing. You have very believable, natural dialogue that would be a pleasure to read, but it's often spoiled by jarring punctuation errors. I enjoy your funny asides like his one: "Quite gruesome tales to send an impressionable young child to sleep really!" but they get a bit lost in the general muddle of the action.

My impression is that you have something like a movie playing in your mind and that you write down what you see. Your story (and others of yours that I've read) feels as if it would work well as a movie. The advice I would give you would be to become more aware of the change of medium. A story is told in words, not in pictures. The structure and pacing, the whole style needs to take that into account. For example, in a movie action scene, a lot of things can happen within a very short period of time, and the audience is okay with that because they can see what is going on. To have the same sequence of events in a story, we need to spend a little more time on unfolding the action, so that the readers have a chance to picture them in their minds. A lot of your action scenes simply tell what happens one thing after another. It would be good to flesh out these scenes to give them more life and substance. Also, try to pay attention to the rhythm and sound of your prose. You seem to do this in the dialogue, which by and large flows well, but the rest of the text comes across as choppy and cursory.

I'd like a review for On The Shores Of A Turquoise Lake, please.

1/25/2011 #81
Thranduil Oropherion Redux

And here is my review of Virtuella's story:

You don't see an Ent romance very often. In this tale, the love story is handled very maturely, given the understandable motive that no one wants to be second best. Only when the suitor proves that he wants the heroine for herself rather than as a matter of practicality, does she see his worth.

The story itself is well written, with lush descriptions following a nature theme. There are a few typos and misspellings which would benefit from one more going-over with the editorial fine-tooth comb, but nothing that actually detracts from the enjoyment.

The resolution of the tale was ambiguous to my mind. "I'll linger here and will not come; Because my land is best." The Entwives may have changed in that they no longer wish to impose their will upon nature, but they seem disinclined to leave their comfortable new home. What of the trees of Fangorn Forest? Don't the trees of Middle-earth need their friends and shepherds? What of the Brown Lands that could use some gentle coaxing back to vibrant life? The Ents may be just as reluctant to leave their home.

My hope is for and Entmoot where these questions are discussed by all. At the very least, the Entwives are found, and it will be a much longer walk to pollinate.

I would now like a review for Ships That Pass In the Night.

1/26/2011 #82
Virtuella

Review for Ships That Pass In The Night:

What a very original idea it is to get all those legendary sailors together in an imaginary tavern! I liked the details, like Jason paying with a bit of golden wool. The way the scene is set, parodizing the proverbial dark and stormy night, is also very well done. And, ah, yes, those two really had to meet. Their fate is so similar and yet different. Nice philosophical debate about the rewards of doing good. An amusing and yet thought-provoking story.

I'd like a review for one of my odd-ball stories, either:

Lines (P&P, 1200 words)

or

A Strange Case of Magical Inheritance (Discworld, 2100 words)

or

Lobelia Sackville-Baggins is Dead (LOTR, 6700 words)

1/27/2011 . Edited 1/27/2011 #83
Hamfast Gamgee

Hello, it's me your reviewer that has never read anything by Austen! But again, I don't think that is necessarilly a disadvantage. Though possibly some hardcore Jane Austen fans might well think it scandelous of me that I prefer some short snipits of Austen rather than having to plough through hundreds of pages of the real thing. As for the tale itself, well, I suppose I can sympathize with a young woman growing older. Sometimes I look at my old but not quite so old as it could be, hair and think is that a grey one in the corner? No, it is the light, naturally, but then again when I was 18 I used to look at my face thinking if the spots were too much. You can't win can you! As far as the tale itself it is a well-written sweet story. A bit emotional I suppose. I might slightly agree with one reviewer of yours which said that not much happens, but then again I might very well say the same thing about Jane Austen! :) Anyway, I will look forward to your next tale, Ham!

I have reviewed lines, shown above. I would appreciate any reviews of the Hobbit tale shown below, I have made a huge effort to correct grammer and spelling and to make it readable recently, the basic tale I wrote some time ago, thanks, Ham.

Back to Mirkwood

2/2/2011 . Edited 2/2/2011 #84
Hamfast Gamgee

I know I shouldn't double post in this one, but just in case the wonderful fanfiction admins decide to do something clever, I assume you don't wish to loose this thread!

6/28/2011 #85
Nimbus Llewelyn

Ok, how do I put this kindly... Ham, unless this is a parody, it is kind of rubbish. The style is off, and so is the characterisation. And your OC comes across as a Sue.

My review to Ham.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6791100/1/If_the_White_Council_had_thought_ahead

A fic Virtuella has already very kindly reviewed.

8/16/2011 #86
Olorime

My review of Nimbus's review:

Nimbus, what part of the characterization is off? Why does Ham OC come across as a Sue? What can Ham apply to his story to make it not seem a parody? What part of Concrit don't you understand? The Concrete or the constructive part?

:P

8/16/2011 #87
Nimbus Llewelyn

I don't know, there was just something about it. That and the ease of magic use (there are only 5 known wizards in Middle Earth, 3 of whom make appearances. The only others are Nazgul and sauron.). And I don't think Bilbo would act quite like that (not too differently). Maybe inject a slightly more serious tone? Ham's writing is like the rest of him, laid back and charming in its own way, just not always coherent.

8/16/2011 #88
Olorime

Ahhh, see, that's much better. Now translate it into something constructive, James dear.

"Kind of rubbish," grates and will turn Ham's back into any sort of criticism you may offer.

8/16/2011 #89
Nimbus Llewelyn

Yeah... tact and politeness aren't things I'm particularly good at, even though I try.

8/16/2011 #90
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