The Black Pearl
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We all love them and never seem to get as many as we'd like.

But, have you ever had one of those reviews that just makes you scratch your head?

You know, the ones that go on and on about a character not in your story...

The ones that tell you how much they hate romance, yet they've chosen to read your story clearly defined as a romance...

The ones that are written in so much shorthand and chatspeak you feel like you need an interpreter...

The flames, the wierd comments, the enthusiasm about an update for your one-shot, the irritation with your ship...

We've all had them, and this is the place to put them. Not much else you can do except laugh about them with friends.

Unless you have a better alternative, then please...share!

10/22/2009 #1

Ok, here's an old flame that I had. Never quite understood it, but it's good for a laugh!

"this book sucks only potheads will read it and people with no life they just read and play stupid games. This person i know is this girl named lauren Gonzalez. Her screen name is Kawaiistarbright. Now go and tell her that she needs to get a life.she alos luvs a man named romantic dan aka theladies man aka the ladies dan" 10/22/2009 #2

If the only people who will read your story or 'book' are potheads, then he is a what? He sounds like he might have been on something when he wrote it for how put together the review was.

10/22/2009 #3
Cmdr's Monkey

Haha, he's a troll. I highly doubt he even read the story.

I can solemnly swear that I have never received a bad review, flame, weird review or any of such nonsense. I hardly get reviews to begin with! lol

What I find odd about reviewers is that... they'll review and praise a really bad story and simply ignore a really good one. wtf? Has no one any taste?

10/22/2009 #4
Sinnamon Spider

Oh, I have gotten some doozies over the years...let's see if I can find some.

Jareth should be more than three years older than Sarah. He is clearly not 18 in the movie.

- This was weird because I never even made anything close to a mention of how old he was. I don't remember making any mention about anything to do with three years in the whole fic, in fact. People are strange.

You gonna update or what?

- This was on a story that I specifially mentioned was a one-shot. Not only that, but really; is that any way to ask for more?

Hey! awesome story! I read all kinds of fanfics and i've noticed how you write alot of them :) bye

- You noticed that I write a lot of fanfics. Wow. Could it be because...we're on a fanfiction website? Wait, no, that seems far too obvious...

OK, that was a crappy ending. If you were bored you could've taken off the story instead of just "ok, they all died happily ever after the end."

- Wow! What a great suggestion! I never realized that someone else could have the right way to end my story! What an idiot I was to end it the way I had been planning to end it the whole time! Jeez, am I ever sorry.

I have a digusting mind but this is sick...and who is trapper?

- Hmm. Rated R. Slash. "A steamy shower scene". And all this is present in the summary. And this was one of my first attempts at writing smut - it was pretty tame, all things considered. Also, this person seems to not know who one of the primary characters in the fandom is. Why exactly are you here then?

People are just very, very strange.

10/22/2009 . Edited 10/22/2009 #5

Yep, those were just what I was talking about! They're funny now, though. :)

I like this one:

I really should leave a well written review for this, but I'm tired and I don't feel like it. Sorry.

You couldn't write something nice instead of that? :D

10/23/2009 #6

And the review part of that was?

So far I have nothing funny or overly bad worth sharing so I'll wait a little and see what comes in.

I foud it very annoying once, I updated a chapter on a story that I hadn't for a few months and I got a review from a pen name I didn't recognize about two mintues after I posted. I don't think that would give anyone time to read what I had written, not to mention they had probably never heard of the story before, yet they reviewed the last chapter. I could understand if it was the first, but clearly they didn't read much of it.

10/23/2009 #7

I got this review in June on a story that I completed last December.

WoW! That was awesome! keep it going

Sorry, you're six months late, I'm actually done lol.

10/23/2009 #8

What gets me down is people pick out one line and say they liked that, but they don't actually say the story is good or bad. I mean I know my writing isn't that great because I'm not that good a writer, but at least write something better than


10/23/2009 #9
This is probably the strangest review I've ever gotten: Actually your a little off with your phrases .Yet we who have seen the movie know what you realy meant to say. So keep on writing and we`ll keep on reading. Seeing I`m stuck in this spot for so many hours .I dare say I have no choice. Oh and somebody feed the dog. thanks.
10/23/2009 #10

Random, yet strangely poetic. That's all I can say

10/23/2009 . Edited 10/23/2009 #11

Uh, were they refering to dog in the story? That is really wierd.

10/23/2009 #12

There was no dog in the story. I think it was just someone being random.

10/23/2009 #13

LMAO! (laughing so hard falls out window and dies drowning in ocean) Will: Not again? ** I keep on telling you to stop reading Norrington and Beckett slashes! This happens EVERYTIME and I ALWAYS have to let you live because you're so 'important' in the fanfiction world. Me: Besides I'm madly in love with Jakie? Will: Oh please. (rolls eyes) Me: Ya know what you eunuch? SEND ME BACK OR SO HELP ME I'LL KICK YOUR **! (gets sent back and proceeds by making out with Jack) Yay for twisted minds!

I...I don't get it. Was it supposed to be funny? Because the fic was...not a parody. this author on some forgein substance?

10/23/2009 #14

Wow. What the heck was that? Someone took one too many randomness pills!

10/23/2009 #15

Ha, I didn't even get it until I went back and read it again. I thought that was just part of your post, not the actualy review itself. I couldn't understand why you were having a conversation with yourself... then it clicked in and I had to laugh. Wow, that was some review.

10/23/2009 #16

I vote opium den. This chick was definitely in an opium den.

I couldn't understand why you were having a conversation with yourself...

Nah, I keep my conversations with myself private. ;P

10/23/2009 #17
Ok, so with this one, this is the line in the story. Keep in mind too that this is in the second paragraph of a 30 chapter HP saga. This is the only review from this person too. :D"Lorien awoke. The anxiety from the dream faded as consciousness returned and was replaced by mild curiosity. She didn't have the dream often, but it occurred periodically and without predictability."The review:Not much much to say but when you said "...but it occurred periodically and without predictability." If something happens periodically then wouldn't be predictable? My neighbor periodically yells at his dog too -has for two years, but I have no way of predicting when I'm gonna hear him do it.
10/24/2009 #18

It sounds like they didn't understand what the word 'periodically' means. Did you write something back?

I was just thinking that there a lot of people who read through forums without actually saying anything... what if someone's out there reading this thread right now and they say "hey, I left that review!"

Then again, it might make them see how dumb it sounded.

10/24/2009 #19

If they read this, then they already know my response is pretty much the same as here. :D

'Twas for a Harry Potter story a looonnngg time ago.

Ok, so what about review replies? Most of you know that I do a lot of beta reading and offer a lot of constructive criticism in my reviews. If something could be better, I say why. If I liked something, I say what it was and why. Many of you are here because I reviewed a story and told you to head on over and join our writing challenges.

Most of the time if I review a story, even if it isn't the best, it's because I see potential in the writing.

Occasionally I find a story that's just so bad that I can't help but comment, and even then I usually try not to be too harsh. I do speak my mind though, and if your character is a blatant card-carrying member of the MarySue society, or the president of the cliche characters guild, I'll probably tell you.

We all have typos, yes, but bad grammar and punctuation throughout a story is intolerable, and I will often suggest having someone work with a beta reader for fun and to improve. I even tell them that I find it helpful since I use one.

I told an author of a recent story that her character, who was a 13 year old female pirate named Violetta and carried a katana sword with which she was very skilled, as she went to find a crew and a ship in Tortuga, that her character was screaming Mary Sue, and that her plot was one that she should think through. I let her know that a lot of these OC's appear because an inexperienced author is anxious to post a 'cool' character and don't think about plot.

I also suggested that she work with someone to proof read or beta read, because she had spelling, grammar and punctuation errors throughout, and that it could be a way to improve. My review wasn't sugar-coated, but it was constructive.

I thought I'd share the reply I got with you guys.

I dunno. I've seen Pirates of the Caribbean once. One is a pretty measly number. I was just bored at a sleepover and my Pirates obsessed friend Claira wanted me to write one, so I did. You should probably take it up with her, who's reading over my shoulder right now. So, here's my reply. She's thirteen and that had a pretty good reason. Unusual names are my thing and I'm trying not to be offended about it but millions of people seem to be okay with it, but I somewhat understand the way you feel. Look, I'm going to get back to the puncuation thing in a moment but firstly, I have no clue what a 'Mary Sue' is. Maybe you could tell me or should I look it up? No one's ever mentioned it to me before so, sorry I didn't know. The precise and deadly was referring to something as a little hint on the character she's based on. "[Lightning] is precise and deadly, like Azula"-Iroh. The trusty sword is mainly because she's partially based on me, and I have a katana so I thought it would be fun that she had one too. Please, I beg of you, don't tell me what "most" authors do because I have a good name outside of Millions of people would agree...but I'll just leave you guessing. I'm sorry to offend you, but the corrections thing is really dumb. Look, everyone in this world makes mistakes and I wrote this in five minutes. Maybe I should have looked over it but The Simpsons had just come on. So, sorry that I messed up but I really don't know how that disturbed you that much. So, get some corrections on your nose and if you don't like, don't read. ~MS

Thankfully, the above author did have mercy on us and took the story down, so none of you need be subjected to it. My review was probably longer than her 400 word story, and I get smart-ass remarks back about suggesting she could improve her writing by having someone proof-read or by working with a more experienced author. Oh, and incidentally, I was her ONLY reviewer, despite the fact that she apparently has millions of readers. :)

10/24/2009 #20

I can't tell you how annoying I find that. I mean it's hard to accept concrit at first, so I can sympathize with her, but at the same time, I've experienced your concrit first hand, Nytd, and I can't see how your usual friendly manner could have caused such a responce.

I've beta read for a bunch of people as well, but I had one author, who actually ended up stealing my ideas and examples and putting them in her story without crediting me, or letting me know. (I think Nytd knows who I'm talking about). And I called her out on it, suspended my beta services, and I pretty much never heard from her again. I think she stopped writing for the site even though her profile is still up and her story STILL HAS MY IDEAS IN IT. Oh well, what can you do at this point?

10/24/2009 #21

Oh, and it was blatant theft of your ideas, as I remember, not just a little similarity.

Clearly the creator of Violetta has spent too much time watching the Simpsons and not enough learning grammar or manners.

10/24/2009 #22

I've beta read for a bunch of people as well, but I had one author, who actually ended up stealing my ideas and examples and putting them in her story without crediting me, or letting me know.

Ouch. That is indescribably out of order! I have very little writing that merits being stolen but if that ever happened to me, I would be fuming. When I first joined ffnet I skimmed pages of archive fanfiction to make sure I wasn't using an idea to close to one that had already been done and therein offending someone and not realising it. :P

I can’t think of any weird reviews that I’ve had but a friend of mine once got a review from someone shouting at them, saying that my friend had stolen their idea and written a similar story because, supposedly, they were too chicken to review and tell this person their story was rubbish and had simply endeavoured to write a better story instead. This was news to my friend who had never seen this person in their life or knew of the stories existence. :)

Oh, I’ve remembered an annoying review I got once. It was for a one-shot I did for ST:09 marked ‘gentle Kirk/Spock slash’ and with a bit of a hint of a Spock/Kirk/Uhura triangle. I never write slash but with this one-shot any hints of slash were really all in the readers mind so getting this review kind of upset me a little bit.

Hm. Then the logical conclusion for this incarnation of Uhura is to move on and leave Spock to his true love Kirk. Except, that the Spock in the movie didn't seem to be homosexual. Oh well.

Humph. Do I detect a hint of sarcasm? If you don’t like it – don’t read it! *Mumbles nasty things* :(

10/25/2009 #23

Wow Nytd, that was one very unnapreciated review of yours. Fix your nose? What is that supposed to mean? You once sent me a detailed review on how to improve and I know I didn't bash it in your face. Some people know what to do with those kinds of things. Use the advice given! Some people don't understand what you're trying to do for them so they defend their work and say you're wrong. I've gotten one or two of those.

I once read a song fic (the last one I ever read) with the song Let It Rock by Kevin Rudolf. The plot was basically this: Jack shows up in Tortuga and everyone loves him, there's a dance party, he starts singing, he finds Elizabeth hiding behind a barrel, she jumps out and starts singing with him, to his face, then she walks away and leaves him all sad after they finish dancing to a song made in around 2008.

So I reviewed:

Please take this as constructive criticism and not that I'm trying to sound mean. This story line is not believable. First off, we got no real explanation as to why Elizabeth is even there. She just pops up and they decide they're going to go to a party? They sing lines from a song from the 21st century, then without further words she walks away into Tortuga. Elizabeth does not strike me as a partier... There were some spelling mistakes but that part was mostly okay. I really hope this can be useful to you. There's no point in me reviewing if I don't say the truth :)The reply was:This wasn't supposed to have any plot line or point to it. It was a quick drabble. I'm not the first one that has done a out of character story with Elizabeth and Jack.It was mostly the story line of the song that I was working with. I wrote this as I was listening to the song for the first time. And the only words that are "misspelled" are what I heard and are not be exact to the lyrics.

First she tried to pass it off saying that she's not the first person to have done something like that (two wrongs don't make a right?) then she tells me that I'm wrong, her spelling is fine. Obvioulsy if she wrote the story she would think she spelled things correctly. It's why I was trying to tell her it was wrong.

10/25/2009 #24

But the whole point of fanfiction, besides having fun of course, is to interact with other authors, writers and readers.

I think some of these authors forget that reviews are like what happens when the critics review a movie. They say what works, what doesn't, what they like, what they don't, why and give examples. Reviews are not just a place for everyone to gush over their work with lots of underserved superlatives just because they happened to post something.

If you didn't put any effort into your offering, and you know it, then why be suprised when your feedback isn't glowing?

I once left a review on a story where the author had basically demanded that people review her story, and came off all rude and cocky in her author's note. I was very polite, but explained to her, with many examples, basically why the story and her writing sucked. (I said it much nicer than that!) I also let her know that it was rude to tell people to get off their arses and review, (she didn't do it in a funny cutesy way either) and that likewise, leaving 3 reviews on her own story was very, very uncool.

Yes, she left herself three reviews. Her excuse was that she just wanted to see if it could be done. Why she had to do it 3 times, I'm not sure. She had 5 reviews total, her 3, mine, and another telling her she was a jerk and her writing sucked, but not nearly as politely as I did.

She sent me the rudest and most immature rant I have ever recieved and told me that if I made one more comment on any of her writing that she would review everything I had written and trash it thoroughly.

I told her to go right ahead.

THEN, she PM's me later and wants to know if I can beta read her story and help her figure out most of the plot!

I told her no thank you, I don't beta read for people who threaten to trash my stories, and she denied ever doing it. I still had the PM in my inbox, and I had also shown it to Freedom.

I sent her a snippet of the worst part back, and she left for good.

10/25/2009 #25

Gah! You should have blocked her! Was she actually leaving true reviews for her story or just comments about other reviews, which I've seen done (and it annoys me greatly).

10/26/2009 #26

She was actually leaving reviews for her own story.

"Great story! Update soon!" type things.

I also hate when authors comment on reviews by way of a review.

I also hate when authors "import" reviews from another writing site and post them on the same story here just to beef their numbers and make their feedback look better. This is ffnet. If an ffnet member didn't leave you the review and leave from their account here, then the comments don't belong on the version of the story you have posted here.

10/26/2009 #27

She was actually leaving reviews for her own story.

"Great story! Update soon!" type things.

That made me wince. I thought I would do anything for reviews, but that is below even the likes of me. :)

10/27/2009 #28

So, I had a new experience today. :D

About two weeks ago I left a review for a story that needed some help. I told the author that I constructively suggested that she tidy up the spelling errors in her summary and that also ran rampant in her introductory A/N. I told her many readers might make the assumption that the rest of the story was written the same way, and that it would be worth taking time to fix it. I then said that since her story appeared to be having some issues with grammar and punctuation, that she might want to consider working with a beta reader, and that I had found mine to be very helpful. End of review.

I got a reply from the author, saying thanks for reviewing. End of reply.

Today, like 2 weeks later, another reader, possibly a friend of the author? leaves her a review on her story basically chewing me out. THEN, she copies the review she left and PM's it to me to shove it in my face.

Wednesday-Thursday-Friday, mates?

Until today, I was the only one who had bothered to give this poor reader feedback, and it was a very neutral 'just the facts, ma'am' review. You got issues, here's how to help them...

Maybe it was actually her mother who chewed me out? :D

This reviewer also told me I should go easy on the author because she's only 16. I didn't know how old she was when I reviewed, and quite frankly, I don't give a bilge rat's arse. I'd make the same constructive comments if she were 60, and I know plenty of very young writers, several who sail these waters, who do a bang-up job with their writing.

Why is it that some immature toe-rag (this is my word of the week, btw) gets more upset about the review than the author?

10/27/2009 #29

So, I had a new experience today. :D

Ooh, I love new experiences!

Today, like 2 weeks later, another reader, possibly a friend of the author? leaves her a review on her story basically chewing me out. THEN, she copies the review she left and PM's it to me to shove it in my face.

Oh dear. A very touchy friend or a sock puppet account. Either way, I say we keelhaul 'em.

I know plenty of very young writers, several who sail these waters, who do a bang-up job with their writing.

Aye! Age is no excuse!

Geez, Nytd, you always get the most interesting review replies and such. Does it come with the job of being the most intrepid reviewer? :D

10/27/2009 #30
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