Lolli S's Candy Shop
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Hey everybody, Sebastian Santiago here or SOS Radio as my penname says, but the site won't let me post in the forums on my own penname for a day, so I'm using my sister's account. I want to start out by saying that is an honor to be here at the forums and on FFN. My baby sister got me into writing and hopefully, I can stay into it.

Some background info: I'm the fifth child in my family and the fourth boy. I have an older sister, Aurora, and my three older brothers; LJ, Mario, and Carlos and of course you all know my baby sister, Lorena aka Lolli-S, author of the Louhearst series. I am currently attending the University of Houston and I hope to someday become a history teacher.

Now, before I start these reviews, I want everyone to know that I mean no harm by any of these comments and that they're just for fun so if I say something about your OC, I really mean no harm, so don't take it to the heart. It's all for fun. I'm actually making fun of the reviewing process since I'm just here to review Louhearst chapters. Trust me, I'm a nice guy! Enjoy! :D

So, I believe this is an OC story where people can submit characters to be in the story. I see this as a two-sided coin. On one side, people can feel like they're actually in the story but on the other side, people might not read a thing until they see their OC and judging by a very small amount of all the reviews I've read, people will annoy the hell out of the author if their OC doesn't show up in every scene. Now, onto the chapter.

Chapter Name: The Bus Station

Characters: Logan, Shane, Rolen, Tinett, Jewel

Pokémon: Mawile (Logan), Delcatty (Jewel)

The first chapter opens up with Logan getting off a bus. Not much happens in this chapter, so that's pretty much the high point of this chapter. Logan calls his sisters on the phone, Coco and Riri. Right off the back, you know that one of their parents is a hippy. I mean Corral, Rielle, and Logan? Of course, it's confirmed that their mother is in fact a hippy. I bet Owen was like "I'm not giving my son a name that's going to get him beat up on the playground! You named the first two!"

Anyway, Coco's the nice twin and Riri's the slightly bitchy one. Logan hangs up and heads to the bathroom. He's a little nervous, but other than that, he's calm. Even his clothes look relatively normal and neither he nor the readers have any idea that in a year, he'll be a total emo. For now, he's just a regular protagonist. We also meet, Mawile, Logan's main Pokémon who is like always on a 24-7 sugar high. And that's pretty much the end of Logan's part.

This next part is when we meet the Soul Snakes for the first time. Before they even speak, you already know that they're douchebags. Why, you may ask? Because they pulled up in a limo which means they're rich and the leader is blond. Rich people and blond people are usually portrayed negatively in fiction anyway, so a rich blond is definitely going to be a total douche especially since this one is pretty much Draco Malfoy in the Pokémon universe. Speaking of the Soul Snakes, lets meet them.

Shane Clarke aka Draco Malfoy – The main guy. He's a total douche with a major since of entitlement, but he does get some of the best lines in the story. If it weren't revealed that he and Logan are related, you'd think he'd be in love with him. I mean, he goes looking for the guy constantly just to mess with him. Actually, the fact that they are related makes it that much more disturbing.

Eddie Rolen aka The Metrosexual – This guy gets more girls than anyone (except Jett of course) but what makes Rolen unique is that he looks like a girl and acts like one too. Girls like him because he can relate to them do to looking like them and he's rich. Being rich automatically makes you desirable.

Cole Tinett aka The Smartest Guy in the Fucking Universe – People think Rietta is the smartest just because she's a robot and can shoot lasers out of her headband, but nope. It's this guy. Why? Because he's fucking with everyone's mind, that's why. He never speaks because he doesn't want you to know what he's thinking. Monsiadem may be trying to take over the world, but Tinett is going to take over the fucking universe! Fuck yeah!

Julie 'Jewel' LaCruz aka Evil Lorena – Latina with a major attitude problem? Check. Green eyes? Check. Rich boyfriend?Check. I think Lorena accidently tapped into her subconscious when she created Jewel. However, there is a difference. Jewel lets Shane walk all over her. That shit don't fly with Lorena. She wears the pants in her relationship with her boyfriend and they never come off…except that one time when they did come off and she got pregnant, but that's another story for another day.

So the Snakes make some jokes about the 'hicks' that they had to ride with on the plane. I don't see why Shane hates them so much. They grow corn and corn is nice!

Final Grade: B+

It's just the first and it was a pretty average introductory chapter, so it gets a B. However, since this is my first review and I'm doing this for my baby sister, I added the plus.

Character of the chapter: Tinett!

Fuck yeah, Tinett! We need someone to hold things down until Jett shows up on the scene!

Final Thoughts:

Couldn't really make fun of this chapter since so little happened, but until Jett arrives on the scene in chapter three, I consider these first two chapters to be AU.

12/31/2010 . Edited 12/31/2010 #1

I'm going to greatly enjoy these :D

12/31/2010 #2

Welcome to Sebastian's Corner and Happy New Year! I won't be able to access my account until later on tonight, so I'm still using Lorena's to give the review. She hasn't pulled the plug on this, so I'm still at it. This chapter is longer, so even though there's no Jett so this is technically not canon anyway, but there are more things for me to make fun of so let us begin.

Chapter Name: The Rivalry Begins

Characters: Logan, Shane, Rolen, Tinett, Jewel, Ethan, Lyra, Emma, Malcolm, Girl Who Got Tripped by Shane

Pokémon: Zangoose (Logan), Seviper (Shane), Gallade (Malcolm)

This chapter begins when Shane and Logan first meet and all you can think of is when Draco Malfoy met Harry Potter. He's friendly towards the main character, but talks shit about everyone else. He even calls Rolen and Tinett "blockheads". Be an ass all you want Shane, but you won't be laughing when Tinett takes over the universe! Fuck yeah!

The bus from the airport arrives and Shane and his crew go to get his Pokémon. Before he leaves, he asks Logan if he has a poison type Pokémon. Yep, that's a gang requirement for the Soul Snakes. Other gangs have tattoos and bandanas, but the Soul Snakes have poison Pokémon.

This is where we first meet Ethan and Lyra. Okay, I'm going to come out and say it. Ethan's a stoner. No guy can always be that hungry without smoking pot and Lyra, Dear God (or Arceus as I'm told to say here). She is definitely not the sharpest tool in the shed and that's being nice (because I really don't want to call her a 'dumb fuck' because that's mean and mean people get rashes).

Shane and Jewel come by and trade insults with Ethan and then, being the ass that he is, Shane trips a girl who's walking by. Logan and Ethan get mad at this, but no one helps her up, so she's probably not that important of a character anyway. All of a sudden Logan's Zangoose and Shane's Seviper come out of their Poké Balls and start going at it.

Now, it's been a while since I've actually played Pokémon, but apparently Zangoose and Seviper are mortal enemies like Logan and Shane. Nice symbolism, Lorena. What gets me is that they apparently can breed with one another. I bet when Zangoose and Seviper breed, they're both drunk and wake up the next morning like WTF x100000000!!!! That's what girls usually say about me whenever they see my face after a night of debauchery. Then they run to the bathroom to throw up and I'd have to guess that it's either the alcohol from the previous night or the fact that they're disgusted by the fact that they even touched me. Probably the latter. The only reason I even have a hot girlfriend now is because she accidently farted during a presentation in class and now everyone thinks she's disgusting. It's not really her fault, though. The entire place was quiet and she was startled by a door slamming shut which caused her to let one loose. It was real quiet for the first few seconds before the entire place erupted in laughter. (Her name is Melanie and they call her 'Smellanie' Ha!) She farts in her sleep too, but I'm not going to let her know until she really pisses me off one day. Anyway, hooray, for me being a last resort! Booyah!

Okay, the most badass thing of the chapter happens next. It's the first appearance of Malcolm Motherfucking Meladeo and already his Gallade is kicking ass like Bruce Lee or Chuck Norris. Gallade beats the shit out of Zangoose and Seviper and Malcolm reveals that he's driving the bus to Louhearst. How badass is that? I don't know one school that lets a student drive a bus for freshmen. I bet Malcolm just took it. He doesn't need permission because he's Malcolm Motherfucking Meladeo, bitches! He's the manliest man at Louhearst (after Jett, of course).

Shane and his crew leave for a minute to get his stuff and Lyra is mad that Logan and Ethan stood up to Shane, despite the fact that he was talking shit about her too. Turns out, Lyra has a crush on Shane. Once again, not the sharpest tool in the shed (I really don't want to say 'dumb fuck' because if I get a rash, I'll look more repulsive than I already do and that's saying a lot, but Lyra's really pushing it).

Side Note: I think Ethan and Lyra were Logan's 'prototype' friends before Lorena thought of Jett. I mean Ethan is definitely a stoner and stoner's are cool. Plus, Ethan still has a pretty big role in the story anyway, but Lyra makes me want to rip my hair out. Jett and Rietta are so much cooler because Jett is a Sex God and Rietta is a robot who can shoot lasers out of her purple headband and lasers fucking awesome! Yeah, I think those are better than a stoner and a dumb fu-I mean, a girl who's not the sharpest tool in the shed.

We also meet Emma for the first time. She's childhood friends with Ethan and Lyra and she's a sweet 'girl-next-door' type of character. No one knows that in a year, her boobs will grow to gargantuan proportions. Like the biggest in the history of Louhearst. It's the corn I tell you. That's the only way something like that can happen during one summer.

Anyway, Shane and his crew come by and say that if Logan and Emma had babies, they'd be 'hippicks' (hippy/hick hybrids) and they'll be able to grow more food on the farms. Hell, I'm down for that. It just means more corn and corn is nice! Plus, the babies would be well fed for the first year or so because of Mommy, if you catch my drift. Oh yeah, I went there! Breastfeeding FTW!

Jewel also says that Logan's mom doesn't shave her legs because she's a dirty hippy. Hey, not all hippies are dirty! Well…I wouldn't know because all the ones I meet are in fact, dirty.

Logan gets ready to fight Shane, but Rolen and Tinett step in front of him. Now, I'm sure Logan can beat the holy hell out of Rolen (or just mess up his manicure and he'll back off), but Tinett is brains AND brawn. He'd beat Logan up by punching him and then by using highly advanced algebraic equations to confuse him, but the equations are really Tinett's blueprints for taking over the universe. Nevertheless, Logan has no choice but to back down and the chapter ends.

Final Grade: B+

Definitely better than the last chapter, but still no Jett. Come on, Lorena, that's how you bring in the big bucks! Oh well, he comes in next chapter anyway.

Character of the chapter: Malcolm Motherfucking Meladeo bitches!

The fact that that badass Gallade kicked ass and the fact that Malcolm stole the school bus gets him here.

Final Thoughts:

Daaaaaaamn! I've been lurking through the site and some of the reviews on some of these stories are harsh as hell! I mean, I'm all for constructive criticism, but what's constructive about "you suck and your mom sucks for having you" damn! There are like kids as young as 13 (and probably some younger ones) and there are people as old as at least 40 from what I'm guessing. If you're a 40 year old with a PHD, do you really get pleasure by flaming the stories of 13 year olds? That makes you sad. I'm going to guess you're some depressed loser whose spouse is banging the neighbor AND the neighbor's spouse and your dog is always crapping on your bed, so you have to take it out on 13 year old kids. Not cool!

Damn, did I just flame the flamers?


1/1/2011 . Edited 1/1/2011 #3
SOS Radio

Hey guys, I'm back and finally able to post under my username! That's good since this chapter is the actual the first canon one. The last two were AU. Anyway, this is chapter three and four of Year One and since it's in two parts, I'll be grading both chapters as one.

Chapter Name: The Arrival I and II

Characters: Logan, Jett, Shane, Ethan, Rolen, Tinett, Jewel, Malcolm, Lexi, Nikki, Eliza, Nina, Jeremy, Kaylee, Dean Horace, Nate, Ty, Brad, Other Minor Characters

Pokémon: Mawile (Logan), Magby (Jett), Togepi (Ethan), Seviper (Shane), Roserade (Rolen), Toxicroak (Tinett), Delcatty (Jewel), Ludicolo (Dean Horace), Gallade (Malcolm), Lopunny (Lexi), Other Minor Pokémon

We begin this chapter with Malcolm telling the freshmen about the classes that they'll have to take. Jewel has fallen asleep and her face just happens to be in Shane's lap. I'm sure things got hot and sexy on that bus ride. Anyway, Shane slides his hand in Jewel's skintight pocket and pulls out a piece of paper. Apparently she was drawing on it back on the plane. I think it might've been a unicorn drawing with rainbows and pretty flowers everywhere. Oh yeah, Rolen's doing his make-up and his other usual metrosexual antics while Tinett is gazing out of the window, thinking of his master plan to take over the universe. Fuck yeah!

Shane balls the paper up and hits Logan in the back of the head. Wow, Shane, I'm sure that crushed his self-esteem. He's going to run home crying because a piece of paper hit him in the head. This is why I don't like the rich manipulative type of bullies. They're just not as threatening as bullies like Duncan Mendoza and Zack Winters. That gang actually beats the shit out of people. Ask Ethan and he'll tell you. Hey, Zack, you may have won the fight but Ethan's going to get the last laugh when he's banging your baby mama! Yeah, I went there!

Logan decides not to beat Shane's ass and the bus arrives at Louhearst.

"Hey man, this is gonna be awesome!"

Who said that? Where did that voice come from? OH MY FUCKING ARCEUS! It's fucking JETT MITCHELL! *fangirl scream* (Yeah, that's right, I said fangirl scream! Wanna do something about it?)

The second that this emerald-eyed Adonis steps down from the bus, he is swarmed by women AND men. They start ripping his clothes off until all he's left wearing is a loincloth making him look like a sexy Tarzan.

He has apparently befriended Logan which will do Logan good in the long run. Why? Because all of Jett's charisma and sexual energy will rub off on Logan. That's why Logan gets so many girls. Nina, Roux, Emma, ZK (Come on she was at Logan's house all summer and no one can withstand her super slut powers. Yeah, ZK's a super hero. She fights crime by with her insatiable libido which means she has sex with the criminals until they're exhausted and then puts them behind bars. Once again Super Slut saves the day!). Oh, and that Sadie Yanes chick from last chapter too. Why do you think she took all of Logan's clothes? She wanted to see him naked. There's no other reason that she was in the men's bathroom. She doesn't give a damn about those concert tickets. She's just praying that some of Jett's manly scent is on the clothes.

So Malcolm goes and meets with his friends, Brad and Ty. They talk about their summers and then we meet Nate Holbrooke. Malcolm and Nate are basically Logan and Shane as seniors. Nate vows that he will defeat Malcolm and Malcolm simply laughs. No one can defeat him (except Jett of course). He's Malcolm Motherfucking Meladeo, bitches!

We also meet Dean Horace and his salsa dancing Ludicolo. They practice salsa dancing everyday so that they can be on Dancing with the Stars.

Anyway, Logan, Jett, and Ethan have a quick spat with Shane, Rolen, and Tinett. Shane tells Ethan that he's gonna screw Lyra (which is a total lie since Shane hates 'hicks' with a burning passion. I think he's allergic to corn. That's too bad because corn is nice!). Ethan tries to go Super Saiyan and attack Shane, but Tinett intervenes and immediately kicks his ass. Damn, Ethan gets his ass kicked every year by a bully, but he's apparently Lorena's favorite character. And why was he trying to go Super Saiyan anyway? The only people who can do that are the Vellas with their mentally fucked up bloodline.

We meet Jeremy Lynche and Kaylee Arnett. They become major characters in Year Two since Jeremy pretty much becomes the new Malcolm Motherfucking Meladeo, but for now they're just tour guides. They show Logan, Jett and Ethan to their rooms. This is where we meet Jett's Magby and Ethan's Togepi. Togepi is sweet like Ethan and Magby is hot like Jett. I think Magby stores some of Jett's hotness to prevent a catastrophic heat wave. Of course, since Magby is the Pokémon version of Jett, Mawile can't resist wrapping her little arms around him.

------------- Onto Part Two -------------

Part two starts off with Logan calling Coco and telling her about his day. She congratulates him, but tells him that he called at a bad time because their mother is doing her nightly yoga routine, so she can't come to the phone. Damn it, Iris, your only son wants to talk to you! Stop being a hippy for five seconds and go to the damn phone! Laurina may be a bitch, but honestly, she's a better mother and she's a total MILF (Although, Iris and Zaria aren't half bad either especially if you have no standards like me. Hell, I'm dating a girl who constantly cuts the cheese). Well, at least Iris is a better mother than Zaria. She never tried to shoot her son.

Logan heads down the hall, but stops when he hears stripper music. It's Sexy Lexi with her Lopunny! Hell, I don't know which one is hotter or where that stripper music is coming from, but I think it's coming from Sexy Lexi's miniskirt. Jett comes out and he automatically recognizes Sexy Lexi. It's his duty as a Sex God to know everything about hot girls. Turns out Jett has an older brother named Jerry who used to go to Louhearst and Sexy Lexi says that Jett reminds her of him. Add that to the fact that we meet the beautiful Cynda in chapter twenty-nine and you'll come to the rightful conclusion that anyone with Jett's genes is destined to be beyond gorgeous. Jett asks Sexy Lexi for her phone number, but she's eighteen and she's worried about going to prison if she does anything with him.

Okay, we're going to pause this review for a second because I'm going to tell you something very important and I hope you remember it:

Jett Mitchell is ABOVE the law

Sexy Lexi really has nothing to worry about. However, she doesn't know that Jett is above the law so she settles for Malcolm. The stripper music plays from her miniskirt as she and Lopunny walk off.

On Shane's side of the story, he and his lackeys have already established themselves as top douchebags at Louhearst. That's impressive considering they've probably only been there for two hours. Shane is an expert in the art of douchebaggery. They run into Nate who is sort of a douchebag, but nowhere near Shane's level. He's also not as rich. The terrible trio tells Nate that he sucks and he'll never beat Malcolm in anything. It's true, but ouch! Shane Clarke is an evil little shit isn't he?

Logan and Jett pass by the second year girls' room and we meet Nikki Murcott and Eliza Curosine. Nikki's doing yoga, bending her limbs into positions that they never should be in (unless you're with Jett) while Eliza is doing sit-ups, her toned abs highly visible. Yeah, this is a pretty hot scene.

The two girls immediately recognize Jett as the younger brother of legendary stud muffin, Jerry Mitchell. Nikki can't even control herself. She runs up and wraps herself around Jett's rock hard bod. Yeah, I bet you're jealous reader! I know I am! She even gives Logan a hug and this is the first instance of Jett's love magic rubbing off on Logan. They've known each other for like three hours tops and already, Logan is being affected by Jett. Eliza has to literally tear Nikki away from Logan and Jett so that the two boys can leave.

"How could it possibly get better?" Jett says.

Of course Arceus hears Jett and at that moment, one of the most badass females in Louhearst walks by. She's smart too because she winks at Logan. She already knows that there will be way too much competition in trying to get Jett, so she's not even bothering. She's going straight for Logan. Since its Jett's duty to know every hot girl in existence, he tells Logan about Nina. Later, Jett, in his infinite wisdom, explains to Logan and Ethan about the stuff they'll be doing on the expedition.

Back on Shane's side he sees a girl in the room next door to Jewel's. This is technically Roux's first appearance, but since she has no lines or description, she's not credited for this chapter. Anyway, the sight of her pisses Shane off so much that his hands begin to bleed. Damn, that's a lot of hate for a fourteen year old boy.

He goes in Jewel's room and orders Tinett to do some manual labor. Tinett doesn't care because being Shane's lackey is only temporary until he finishes his blue prints for universe domination. Fuck yeah!

So, Jewel notices Shane's hands are bleeding and says: "Don't worry, sweetie. Sit down, I'll make everything better…" Things are about to get hot and sexy!

Final Grade: A

This was a pretty hot chapter. So much sexiness in it and not just from Jett. Seriously though, it introduces a lot of characters, but it does it in a pretty good fashion. Of course, just the appearance of Jett will get you a passing grade 80% of the time.

Character of the chapter: Jett Mitchell

Do I even have to explain?

Final Thoughts:

What the fuck is a platypus? It's like a duck with a beaver tail, fur, poisonous claws, and can lay eggs. That's like five creatures thrown together. That's some mad scientist shit for real.

Finaler Thoughts:

That's right, I said 'finaler'. Wanna do something about it? Anyway, if you guys want to leave comments telling me how good I am or telling me how much I suck, feel free to do it on the thread. It's cool.

1/2/2011 #4

Dear Arceus, Sebastian! XD Your reviews are AWESOME! Possibly the funniest ones I've EVER read! :D

1/2/2011 #5

And ZK is a super hero now! xD When will this end?

1/2/2011 #6
SOS Radio

Thanks, Kina! I have fun writing these reviews. I just hope more people check them out later on. Don't let my tone in the reviews throw you off. I'm really a nice guy! xD

Yes, Lorena, ZK is a super hero...The initials on her superhero costume say 'DP'. ZK loves initials!

1/2/2011 #7

DP!? You did not just go there! There are kids on this site! xD

As far as more people checking this out, Ricki is usually the best advertisment person (He comes up with the best phrases). I'll ask him to advertise for you if he gets on.

1/2/2011 #8

I'm not gonna ask about DP. xD My classmates already told me about 69, though, so I might find out sooner or later. XD

1/2/2011 #9
SOS Radio

Wow, your classmates are naughty. xD That must've been an awkward conversation?

Who else likes my avatar?! It goes good with my name, huh?

1/2/2011 #10

It's pretty cool. I used to have lollipops, so yeah, the whole theme avatar thing is cool.

1/2/2011 #11

Dude, they talk about sex during Science class! XD But yeah, it was pretty awkward.

And Lolli, I LOVED your lollipop avatars! :D They were so cute!

1/2/2011 #12

I know! I may go back to them if I find a new one!

1/2/2011 #13

Will Jett be the Character of the Chapter in every chapter he appears in?

1/2/2011 . Edited 1/2/2011 #14
SOS Radio

Nope. The character of the chapter is whoever does the most badass thing in that specific chapter and I try to shift it up. For example, that last chapter that my sister updated, that Sadie girl was definitely the character of the chapter!

1/2/2011 #15

Funny thing, bro, Puff (the poster above you) actually created Sadie so without her, I couldn't of even written that chapter. xD

1/2/2011 #16

Which is why parodies will always rock... :-) I can just tell that I'm going to LOVE reading these.

1/2/2011 #17
SOS Radio

Welcome to SOS Radio in the morning! I'm your host, Sebastian Omar Santiago! Now, most of you are probably at school, but luckily for me, I still have two more weeks to chill. Oh well, you guys will be able to read it when you get home from school. Now, let's begin!

Chapter Name: Classes Begin

Characters: Logan, Jett, Rietta, Shane, Roux, Ethan, Emma, Rolen, Tinett, Jewel, Mari, Lulu, Lyra, Tallow, Jenny, Horace, Crum, Caz, Other minor characters

Pokémon: Mawile (Logan), Magby (Jett), Misdreavus (Rietta), Seviper (Shane), Plusle (Roux), Togepi (Ethan), Ninetales (Emma), Roserade (Rolen), Toxicroak (Tinett), Delcatty (Jewel), Banette (Mari), Jigglypuff (Lulu), Primeape (Logan), Victreebel (Shane), Ludicolo (Dean Horace), Electrode (Shane), Other minor Pokémon

Ah, class. We don't get to see that many actual class chapters in the Louhearst series, so it's always refreshing to be reminded that the kids actually attend class. This is where we first meet Professor Tallow, the History Teacher. He doesn't become a Snape-like asshole until later, but you see hints such as allowing Shane and his crew to come in late. Like Jett, Shane is also above the law, but Jett's above the law because he's beautiful while Shane's above it because he's rich. Shane steps on Logan's shoe on the way to his seat. If he lived in the hood, that shit wouldn't fly. Plenty of gang wars have been started because someone stepped on someone else's kicks.

Anyway, Tallow puts everyone in groups of three and this is Henrietta Mackenzie's first appearance. She's a total bitch, but it's not her fault. You see, Rietta is a robot, and not just any regular old robot. She's an organic/biological android (like Cell from Dragonball Z or something similar), so she can reproduce, urinate, poop, and all that other good stuff. However, she still needs regular oil changes and she has a meter on her arm that she uses to adjust her bitchiness level. Right now she's at a 100 %. Add that to the fact that she needs her oil changed and you'd see why she's so pissy. Oh, and her purple headband shoots lasers. Logan and Jett give her the assignment and she processes the answers using her internal hardrive in about ten seconds. Of course the answers are all right because she's made of like a hundred computers. So, the trio is dismissed.

On the courtyard Jett tells Logan that he hates Rietta. Okay, Rietta, I know you're a robot and you don't understand emotions and all, but there's no excuse for being such a bitch to Jett. You can be one to Logan and all those other lesser beings, but not to Jett. Logan suggests that they try to reprogram Rietta and Jett reluctantly abides. They attempt to begin the reprogramming, but they can't get close enough because Rietta is shooting invisible lasers at them. When they finally disarm her, the two boys notice Jewel, Mari, and Lulu entering the courtyard. Jett calls them Clarke's Angels because one is a brunette, one is a blonde, and one is a redhead like Charlie's Angels. He demands that the girls do the Charlie's Angels pose and of course, they have no choice but to listen. Oh, Jett, you and your hilarious antics. Logan finds this amusing, but Rietta cannot process it because she hasn't been programmed to enjoy anything and later after she's reprogrammed, she can only enjoy things once every ten chapters.

Jett is tired of this shit and is about ready to press Rietta's self-destruct button. Luckily for Rietta, she is saved when Ethan and Lyra come by with Roux. Roux is the series' rockstar and she even ends up in a band called Superego with Jett in Year Two (though it should be renamed Jett and the Jetties, but that's my opinion). Plus, she also gets to make out with Logan in Year Two. Damn, performing with Jett and making out with Logan aka Jett 2.0? Roux is pretty sexy herself, so she's allowed to be in Jett's social circle and make out with Logan. She is one lucky bitch. I'd trade places with her any day!

Crap, did I just write that last sentence down?! Fuck, I did! Damn it, now you guys think I'm gay! Oh, well it's too late now. I wrote it down, so it's permanent. At least now I can trade in my farting girlfriend for that hot stud, Roberto, who winks at me every time I enter the local gym. Eh, who am I kidding? He's just teasing me. Roberto is way out of my league. Too bad, I guess I'll have to stay with Melanie. She's still hot despite her flatulence problems.

Anyway, Shane comes by and calls Emma trailer trash before shoving her out of the way. Wow, Shane, you sure showed that girl whose boss. Also, he's recruited more gang members, but the newest ones are girls. As a matter of fact, over half the Soul Snakes are girls. Guys: Shane, Tinett.Girls: Jewel, Mari, Lulu, Rolen. You need to make it more gender-balanced, Shane.

So Shane says something about Logan and Roux immediately defends her man and tells Shane to fuck off. It gets better because freakin' Rietta comes to Logan's defense as well. I think it's because she realized that by defending Logan, she'd be able to spend more time around him and Jett. That's using that robot brain, Rietta! So, Logan and Shane start a battle with Logan using Primeape and Shane using Victreebel. In a total bitch move, Shane tells Victreebel to use Sleep Powder and Primeape falls asleep.

This is when we meet Professor Jenny. Not only does he have a girl's name for a surname, but he's also super short. Shane totally clowns his ass and for some reason, he decides to take Shane, Logan, Rietta, and Jett to Dean Horace. Way to be an asshole, Jenny. He's just pissed because they can all reach the top shelves in their kitchens back home. He said he had a witness or something that told him that they were starting trouble. Hey, Professor Jenny, fuck you!

Jett says to the crowd: "Alright! Whoever the 'witness' was, is going to get their butt kicked when we get back!"

Every girl and boy in the crowd shits their pants on cue. Jett's pissed and that means that someone's gonna die.

I know who the witness is! Screw whatever my sister told you guys, because I have the true answer. Brace yourselves. The witness is…Luigi. (1) Yes, that Luigi. He is jealous that Mario is friends with Jett and that he has to eat at the kid's table whenever Jett visits the Mushroom Kingdom. He sits in his room and cries himself to sleep while Jett and Mario get drunk and have Princess Peach strip for them. They also play drunken prank calls on Bowser.

Jenny brings them to Dean Horace and Horace is pissed that Jenny interrupted his salsa lessons. He is so pissed that he orders Jenny to go clean Ludicolo's litter box and lets the four kids go free. When they get outside the office, Rietta presses the button on her robotic arm and turns her bitchiness level down from 100% to 50%. This helps her become friendlier and now she's only pissy half of the time. Jett forms the Triple M's and wraps his arms around Logan and Rietta. Both of them have to fight the urge to rips Jett's clothes off. Rietta has an easier time than Logan because she can see through Jett's clothes with her robotic x-ray vision.

Shane bumps into Roux and it turns out that her parents were former Team Rocket grunts who turned good and put Shane's aunt, Zaria Vella in prison. Roux shits herself for the second time that day (she was in the crowd when Jett threatened to kick the witness aka Luigi's ass). Hell, I don't blame her! I'd shit myself too if I knew Zaria's psychotic ass was after my parents.

They all go to Pokémon Language and chill out with their Pokémon and Professor Crum (who I've learned is actually Jenny's half-brother). Then they head to Pre-Archeology where they meet my favorite teacher, Professor McCaslin aka Caz. This is his description:

"He had a weathered-looking face with pale skin, pale brown eyes and wavy gray-brown hair kept in a little ponytail at the back of his neck. However, it wasn't his appearance that surprised the students, but it was his choice of clothing. He was dressed in Bermuda shorts, thickly-strapped sandals, and an old Hawaiian t-shirt with pictures of palm fronds all over it."

He's a freakin' beach hobo and that's awesome! He takes the students to Pewter City Museum and they look at the exhibits and other stuff.

The most badass thing of the chapter happens next. Shane disconnects the security cameras using the electrical waves from his Electrode. Rietta's external camera would've caught him, but it's located on her butt and Electrode's waves screw that up too. Shane then goes over to Lyra aka the dumb fu-I mean the girl who's not the sharpest tool in the shed. He gives her a rock and specifically tells her to give it to Ethan, but only when they get back to Louhearst. She does the deed and it turns out that the rock is a Moon Stone. Shane brings two security guards to Louhearst where he and Rolen accuse Ethan of stealing the Moon Stone. Way to be a dumb fudge, Lyra! I said 'fudge' so I shouldn't get a rash.

Final Grade: A+

This is one of my favorite chapters because it's the birth of the Triple M's, the introduction of awesome characters like Roux, has awesome quotes, and cements Shane as a Manipulative/Magnificent Bastard and one of my favorite characters.

Character of the chapter: Shane Clarke

Yep, I gave it to Shane. He had awesome quotes and the ending proves that he is in fact, a genius. I can see why he got so happy in the latest chapter when he finally surpassed Rietta's GPA. That's impressive considering he had been going up against a robot with an internal supercomputer, so he's obviously been at a disadvantage. That's probably why he hates Rietta so much. He doesn't have robot powers that help him with his work.

Awesome Shane Quotes:

-to Emma: "Out of my way, trailer trash…" *shoves Emma*

-to the Triple M's: "Well it looks like Tallow made Martin's group especially diverse. There's Jett Mitchell the clown, Henrietta Mackenzie the nerd, and of course Logan Martin the hippy."

-to Logan: "Sit around doing yoga and smoking pot?"

-to Logan: "Funny. It looks like we have another clown on board. You'll fit well in the circus, Martin, especially with that hippy mother of yours!"

-to Professor Jenny: "Nothing dwarf, but I could've sworn that my father told me that there was a height requirement to be a professor at Louhearst."

-to Dean Horace: *in a fake sad voice* "Those three provoked me! Martin, Mitchell, and Mackenzie. They were bullying me and I didn't have any other choice! I'm sorry that I broke the rules, Dean Horace, but honestly, it was self-defense. They even threatened my friends and my Pokémon. What would you do?"

-to Roux: "Now you know. That's right, Roux. Zaria Vella is my aunt…"

-to the students about Caz: "Check out the beach hobo!"

-to the security guards: "There he is! Ethan D'Log! He stole the Moon Stone from the museum! I saw him!

Awesome Jett Quotes:

-to Logan about Rietta: "Dude, I hate her…"

-to Logan and Rietta about Jewel, Mari, and Lulu: "Look, its Clarke's Angels!"

-to Logan: "Hey man, I got your back. If this asshole tries anything, I'll be right there…standing between those two hot girls."

-to Logan and Rietta: "Man, this is beautiful! Logan Martin, Rietta Mackenzie, and the hotness that is Jett Mitchell, the three amigos!"

-to Roux: "What's up, Roux? Did Professor Shrimpy Prick get you too?"

-to Professor Crum: "Is this all we ever do in here? If so, this class rocks!"

-to Logan and Rietta: *as he reads the exhibit notes* "Hey guys, check this out. It says that this prehistoric Pokémon, Aerodactyl's preferred method of killing its prey was by tearing through their throats with its serrated, saw-like fangs. Okay, how is that not awesome!?"

Final Thoughts:

Wow, people are actually reading and enjoying these reviews. Hopefully, if I do one a day, I can catch up to Year Two before my sister has her baby.


(1) Way to be a douche, Luigi. Snitching on Jett to Professor Jenny is not cool. Shit, my brothers and sisters overshadow me and you don't see me complaining about it, probably because they'd kick my ass if I said anything. Fuck you, Luigi! Now go to your room and finish your homework while Jett and Mario smoke pot and save the Mushroom Kingdom together.

1/3/2011 . Edited 1/3/2011 #18

Dude, I read half of the review at school. xD The bit about Rolen being a girl...Wow. It was hard to keep down my laughter. xD

Also, the footnote was AWESOME! :D

1/3/2011 #19
Brave Soul RMS

I don't know who you are but you're related to Lolli. That, sir, makes you seven different kinds of awesome. Nine if you count that review right there. It was so awesome, it counted twice. My name's RJ but folks 'round here call me brave. Nice to meet you :D

1/5/2011 #20

...*flyingtackleglomps Brave* Where the hell were you?! XD

1/5/2011 #21
Brave Soul RMS

Blame my awesome cousins with whom I spent Christmas and now blame the 3 tests I have to take this week that are KILLING ME HERE! I really should be doing homework... But I'm taking a break to work on PNG. Gotta say, the more I write Jett, the more I love him. And Lolli! Two new chapters? Merry freakin' Christmas to us! I'll leave my review accordingly.

1/5/2011 #22
SOS Radio

Welcome to SOS Radio in the morning! I'm your host, Sebastian Omar Santiago! Now, I bet most of you were wondering where I was yesterday. Well, I worked a nine hour shift on Tuesday before accidently running over a squirrel on my way home. Apparently, the city doesn't care about cleaning the roadkill off of the street because it's still there! I swore when I went to work yesterday, the corpse was just staring at me. Then when I got home, Melanie was mad at me for being late so she made me dress up in a skimpy French maid outfit and dust the furniture while she sat on the bed eating a bowl of strawberry vanilla ice cream and watching an old Twilight Zone episode. So yeah, that's the reason for no review yesterday. But screw all that because now it is time for the review!

Chapter Name: Friends and Foes

Characters: Logan, Jett, Rietta, Shane, Roux, Ethan, Emma, Rolen, Tinett, Jewel, Mari, Lulu, Lyra, Malcolm, Lexi, Nina, Nate, Brad, Ty, Other minor characters

Pokémon: Mawile (Logan), Magby (Jett), Misdreavus (Rietta), Gallade (Malcolm)

Not much happens in this chapter and there's not really a lot for me to make fun of, but there is a good fight scene. The chapter opens up with Ethan, Roux, Emma, and Lyra trying to explain to the security guards that Shane is full of shit, but Shane's too intelligent and he has people on his side who will claim to be witnesses. The cameras were disconnected, so the security guards have no choice but to believe Shane.

Shane: "Officers take the backwoods trailer trash, Mushroom Hat Girl, Ethan D'Loser, and the Team Rocket offspring out of here!"

Damn, that was like a quadruple burn. Another proof that Shane Clarke gets some of the best lines.

We go over to lunch where Logan, Jett, and Rietta are eating.

Jett says: "So, that's my life goal. To be the first trainer to learn Pay Day. I'll be swimming in cash."

Rietta says: ""Pay Day? Your life goal is to learn Pay Day? You do know that's a move that only Meowth's evolutionary line is capable of learning. If you want money so much why don't you just catch a Meowth or better yet, just get a job."

Jett says: "Do you live to crush dreams?"

YES! I don't know if you guys have noticed it, but Rietta is the biggest dream crusher in the Louhearst series. I mean, I know she can't help being cold and unfeeling because she's a robot, but damn, flowers die when Rietta walks past them. She's such a downer which probably why she really only has Logan and Jett. Damn, Logan was on ecstasy the last chapter (Yeah, my sister told me that half pill that Z.K. gave Logan was indeed ecstasy and mixed in with his Vella insanity, it allowed him to kick the shit out of that Sadie chick. Sadie didn't even take off her clothes at the end of the chapter. They were blown away by Logan's sheer awesomeness. Seriously, Logan was like Super Saiyan 2 Gohan last chapter. Me and my DBZ references), so maybe Rietta needs to get high/drunk to get a better personality program to install in her internal hardrive. She should be like Bender the robot from Futurama. And by the way, if Jett wants to learn Pay Day, he'll learn it. Anything that Jett wants he gets.

Anyway, we meet Mari Summers, the series beach girl/gossiper. During Year One, she was the only good Soul Snake and I wondered why she was with them. She probably was sleeping around with Rolen since he's pretty much an effeminate metrosexual version of Jett. If you're a guy and you sleep with Rolen, it probably makes you feel less gay since Rolen looks like a chick anyway. I'm surprised he's bass in Superego. He seems more likely to play the tambourine or something like that. So Mari explains to them what's going down with Shane and Ethan. I always picture Mari as one as those 'annoying but hot' girls who says 'like' every other word. You don't know whether to snog her or knock her lights out.

Jett says: "This has Clarke written all over it. We've known the guy for less than three days and I can already tell you that he's behind it."

This is because Jett knows all. There's nothing you can hide from Jett. Logan tells them that he saw Shane's Electrode at the museum and Rietta taps her butt to see if she caught anything on her bottom camera. It's just a bunch of static, but using her internal supercomputer, she comes to the conclusion that Shane set Ethan up. Shane enters the courtyard and he and his friends play dumb until he admits it.

Shane says: "Of course I did it. You wanna know why, Martin? Because I can and because I hate Roux. Don't get me wrong, I hate those hicks too, but I especially hate Floressa Roux and now she's gonna learn, if you mess with my family, you pay."

That's Shane for you. He's a dick just he can be one. He's rich and if a rich person tells you to do something, you do it. If they tell you to flush the toilet after they've had explosive diarrhea, then you'd better get your ass in that bathroom and flush and you'd better have a plunger just in case. So, Shane's about to call Rietta a bitch, which is as redundant as calling the sky 'blue' or calling Jett 'hot'. Jett uses 1% of his power and socks Shane right in the face sending him to the ground. Rolen and Tinett jump in causing Logan to jump in which causes Jewel to jump in which causes Rietta to jump in until it's an all-out brawl of the first years.

Malcolm and his crew come and break things up. Nate shows up and suggests that they have a two-on-two battle that Saturday between Logan and Shane. Logan chooses Jett and Shane chooses Rolen.

Lexi and Nina take Logan and Jett back to their room and tend to their wounds. Now, I don't know how that didn't turn into an orgy, but I guess Jett wasn't in the mood. His beautiful face has been slightly blemished by the fight and he's mad as hell. Shit, I'd be pissed too if I were as hot as Jett and had my face messed up.

Lexi even says: "Ugh. Violence never solves anything, Nina, especially when it messes up these cute little faces."

She even gives Logan and Jett a kiss on the forehead before she and Nina walk out of the room. I bet Sexy Lexi's lips taste like strawberries…Anyway, it's time for the boys to head for Nature Class and when they walk out, they are SHOCKED to see Rietta smiling at them. Now, Rietta smiling is such an unnatural phenomenon, that it would destroy the universe if were not for three things:

1. Tinett's machine that he's going to use to take over the universe is countering Rietta's unnatural smile.

2. Jett's hotness. The universe realizes that if it gets destroyed, there will be no more Jett, so it's keeping itself intact. (Too bad that the universe doesn't know that Jett is immortal and invincible and can breathe anywhere.)

3. CORN!

Jett says to Rietta: "You're welcome, but it's weird seeing you smile. I mean all day, you've had the same boring expression on your face and now you're smiling. It does make you look a bit more attractive though."

And that is the start of the Jett/Rietta relationship. Rietta has never received a compliment (she definitely doesn't give them out) and she doesn't know what to do. Had it been any other girl, she would've taken Jett back to her room for some 'fun'. Actually, it's mandatory that if Jett even looks at you, you have to stick your tongue in his mouth immediately. Rietta is semi-exempt because she's a robot and has never known or expressed love. She tells them that she has had to switch rooms with Mari because she would destroy Jewel and Lulu with her laser headband.

Ethan comes up to them with a large bag of chips so he's obviously just smoked some pot. He says: "Dean Horace is awesome! He convinced the guards that we were innocent and he gave me a bag of chips! I heard about what happened. Thank you guys for sticking up for me. Roux and Emma said thanks too. Lyra...well she's still convinced that there's nothing wrong with Clarke. They're all at Nature Studies and I told them I'll meet up with them after I found you three."

So, Ethan, Roux, and Emma are grateful, but of course, Lyra's a dumb fudge and still doesn't see that Shane is a total douche. Way to be a dumb fudge again Lyra! That's why Ethan's going to leave you for, in the words of Lord Jett, "a hot teen MILF" next year! And if Jett calls someone hot, they're hot, even if they've had a kid at like 13 or 14 or whenever Ronnie gave birth to Zack's offspring.

The chapter ends with Logan, Jett, Rietta, and Ethan heading for Nature Studies Class.

Final Grade: B-

Nothing much happened in this chapter and it was going to get a C+, but the fight and Rietta smiling pushed the grade up.

Character of the chapter: Rietta Mackenzie

If Rietta's lips even look like they are about to form a smile, there's a 50% chance that she'll end up as the character of the chapter and if she actually DOES smile, she automatically becomes Character of the chapter.

Final Thoughts:

Lorena told me that she's a way better writer in Year Two and I have to agree. Year One is classic, but the drama comes in Year Two and it's pretty epic. Then again, she wasn't pregnant when she wrote Year One, so maybe it's the baby is the true genius and is communicating through her mother. Lorena won't even tell me about this big surprise that's coming up in the newest chapter. Damn, I wonder what it is…

Oh, and if you guys want to know anything about me, feel free to ask in the thread or send me a PM. Like my sister, I'm pretty open about myself and my life (as you can probably tell from these reviews)

Who Should Get Kicked in the Face this Chapter?: Lyra

I saw this feature on another website that gives reviews like mine and I liked it. Its like an opposite 'character of the chapter' and it lets me express my anger. So yeah, I've given Lyra way too many chances, so yes she should get kicked in the face for not believing her friends over Shane for like the millionth time. But I'm not that cruel. Only a girl should kick her in the face and maybe it should just be sand. I'll let you guys vote.

Vote: Should the new feature be.

A. "Who Should Get Kicked in the Face this Chapter?"

B. "Who Should Get Sand Kicked in their Face in this Chapter?"

You decide!

1/6/2011 . Edited 1/6/2011 #23

Which is why, ultimately, crack and parody will rule the world (one day, one day, one day, one day...). And to top it off, you, your Radio and your parodies are all kinds of awesome, which is...infinitely awesome. XD

Just kick them in their bleeding faces, cleanly and neatly, job done, plus you won't have to get your hands dirty. ^^

1/6/2011 #24

As the admin, I can't post my decision. xD

I'll send you a text...

1/6/2011 #25


1/6/2011 #26
SOS Radio

Looks like it's going to be:

"Who Should Get Kicked In the Face this Chapter?" judging from the votes! XD

1/6/2011 #27

Shouldn't you be at work?

1/6/2011 #28
SOS Radio

Hey don't worry about what I'm doing. I'm putting these reviews up for the good of all mankind!

And yeah, I'm getting ready to go in a second...

1/6/2011 #29

Yay, Rietta got Character of the Chapter~ :D

And I KNEW corn had a use other than being tasty! :D

EDIT: Oh, and Rietta would like to thank you, Sebastian. :3 The seemingly emotionless robot luffles the powers she gets in these parody reviews.

1/6/2011 . Edited 1/6/2011 #30
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